Sally. And my husband's poor memory.

[TooTypical]

He has always been a bit absent-minded and has an ability to focus on one thing while forgetting other things and people. Sometimes it's very trivial - he can't remember what we'd agreed on having for supper, for example and then if it's his night to cook, he wants me to remind him. At other times, he might forget something more significant

This has caused some problems in our relationship particularly since he retired and we ended up going to see a Relate counsellor called Sally.

I think we both liked Sally and found the sessions helpful and I felt glad that we had taken this step. We finished seeing Sally in December

However, at one point, a few weeks back he was talking and saying how one of the bad things about the previous year was reaching a point where we had to go to counselling. I'd said that I felt quite positively about it - and the conversation ended.

But today we were out for a walk and I said, 'You know I was quite disappointed that you felt so negatively about seeing Sally.

At which point he started going, 'Sally? Who's Sally? I don't know anyone called Sally.

And I was going, ''But surely you remember Sally. If you can't remember I am not going to tell you...'

Now he's saying I am 'cruel' for not telling him.

But I do get fed up of the 'wifework' of constantly reminding him of stuff. It's one of the reasons why we saw Sally in the first place....

I'd be more concerned about your husbands poor memory, you honestly think hes doing it on purpose? Take him to a doctor.

Is his forgetfulness a news thing or has been like this all the time you have known him?

My dad was like this it used to irritate my mum, turns out it was early dementia

And I was going, ''But surely you remember Sally. If you can't remember I am not going to tell you...'

Why? Maybe if you had said, ”our counsellor, Sally” he would have remembered. I have a poor memory on occasion and can be totally blank until I get the right hint or reminder and it's horrible if people won't help.

If I thought he had dementia, or some other form of illness, then I would do as you suggest. I think it is more to do with some form of compartmentalisation which was quite deeply wired into him in the course of childhood.

When he makes an effort in our relationship, he is more mindful - but at other times it's more as I have described above.

I suspect that he is quite worried about Coronavirus - as we all are - and that means he's not functioning terribly well.

This may sound dramatic, but has he seen a gp for an assessment ? Maybe he is just very absent minded but if it seems to be worsening it might be worthwhile.

I wouldn’t be rhino g his memory is linked to not trying in your relationship, what you’ve said seems more than absent mindedness.
I think a GP visit is in need.

it’s a shame that until sally you were never happy and needed so much more

*thinking
don’t know where rhino came from 🤣

If he's compartmentalising, then as others have said, give a degree of context for him to work from.

I'd be more concerned about your husbands poor memory, you honestly think hes doing it on purpose? Take him to a doctor.

I agree with this ^^

How old is your husband?
DH started having memory problems. After many investigations and a CT scan they discovered that he had had a silent stroke, which has caused some permanent brain damage, and this is the reason he can't remember stuff.

@Dylaninthemovies1 he'll start thinking he's Ian Brown if she plays that one lol

You sound cruel.
I can’t believe how blasé you are about his memory issues

Oh I'll probably tell him who Sally was at supper.

It just slows the rhythm of conversation, when you have to keep stopping and explaining. Sometimes it's irritating - at other times it does distress me.

Because the counselling was both recent and significant. I think if it happened in other bits of his life, losing necessary objects, driving errors I'd suggest having some tests.

But he has just been accepted to do a Ph.D.....

My husband is exactly the same. Nothing wrong medically he just doesn't store information well. I don't help him to remember either. I make him think and figure it out.

I’m afraid I immediately thought dementia too, speaking from sad experience. He needs to see a doctor. Getting annoyed with him isn’t going to help

I said YABU just because I think it was a bit petty not to say "the counsellor", many ppl don't remember names. However, I know it can be frustrating constantly feeling like to have to remind/nag in order for someone to do something. I have that and I do understand how soul destroying it is remembering everything for others.

Don’t be so petty.

Why didn't you prompt him?

I think he should see his GP, though. I do think you're in a cycle of thinking he's doing it on purpose, though, but from here it doesn't sound like it.

Even if you think it isn't dementia, you ought to encourage him to be assessed for his memory problems. It isn't fair on him to be in the dark.

I don't think he has dementia based on this. I know people like this. But you know that if they'd read one book by a random author and heard it mentioned they'd be perfectly capable of pricking their ears up and knowing all about it. So aggravating. He obviously doesn't want to think about what Sally said.

My husband is exactly like this. Although I suspect he's a bit younger.

He's always been like this. It drives me crazy. Feels like he just can't be arsed to remember stuff if I can to it for him. Sheer laziness.

I feel your pain.

But when you said oh I'll probably tell him who Sadly was over dinner I have to admit I chuckled. He won't give a damn who she is and you will be offended that he still doesn't see why he should have remembered and it will roll on...

Short term memory loss is a sign of dementia so he should get himself checked out. My Dad had early onset Alzheimer's, and it was the more recent things he forgot first.

Update. He has now remembered who Sally is. (I promised him a prize if he could remember by supper time.)