Sally. And my husband's poor memory.

[TooTypical]

He has always been a bit absent-minded and has an ability to focus on one thing while forgetting other things and people. Sometimes it's very trivial - he can't remember what we'd agreed on having for supper, for example and then if it's his night to cook, he wants me to remind him. At other times, he might forget something more significant

This has caused some problems in our relationship particularly since he retired and we ended up going to see a Relate counsellor called Sally.

I think we both liked Sally and found the sessions helpful and I felt glad that we had taken this step. We finished seeing Sally in December

However, at one point, a few weeks back he was talking and saying how one of the bad things about the previous year was reaching a point where we had to go to counselling. I'd said that I felt quite positively about it - and the conversation ended.

But today we were out for a walk and I said, 'You know I was quite disappointed that you felt so negatively about seeing Sally.

At which point he started going, 'Sally? Who's Sally? I don't know anyone called Sally.

And I was going, ''But surely you remember Sally. If you can't remember I am not going to tell you...'

Now he's saying I am 'cruel' for not telling him.

But I do get fed up of the 'wifework' of constantly reminding him of stuff. It's one of the reasons why we saw Sally in the first place....

But today we were out for a walk and I said, 'You know I was quite disappointed that you felt so negatively about seeing Sally.

Sally from the Coop? Sally from the pub?
He may not have realised who you meant. You may have thought well of her as Sally, to him she may simply have been the woman at relate.

A fucking prize OP? You sound like a patronising arsehole. If my DH offered me a prize, I'd be fucking livid. I have memory issues related to a long term illness and this would just piss me off and not help the situation at all.

I'd want a GP opinion on his memory issues, it could be the tip of the iceberg. Compartmentalisation issues? You mean similar to dissociative identity disorder (previously called multiple personality disorder)?

You don't sound very kind. When my DH had memory issues, turns out he had two brain tumours. In all seriousness I would want peace of mind that his memory issues aren't related to some illness.

It is not "wifework" to be helpful to someone who has a memory problem. You say you are retired. As time goes on either of you may develop a problem which requires the other one to be patient. You say this was one of the reasons you went to relate. That makes you sound a bit intense. You also attribute motives to him that could be massively incorrect ( can't be bothered, lazy). Cut him some slack and lighten up.

I'm crap at remembering people's names. I would be "Sally???" too....

Actually, I think it is slightly weird to be thinking about someone like a counsellor on first name terms. But maybe that is just me.

Is one of the reasons you ended up in counselling due to your controlling personality?

I agree oakmaiden. I couldn't put my finger on what I thought was odd but that is it. Overfamiliar. Most people would say , "the relate counsellor".

@Areyoufree and @Homebird8
What would be included in the description ‘disassociation disorders’?

I’m recognising DH here.

Sorry, ‘ dissociative ’

DD is dyspraxic and has elements of ADHD. DH is exactly like your husband - referred to DSis as “your sister” for literally years of our relationship, when I challenged him couldn’t remember her name. This was after we were living together and he’d met her several times. My best friend was “your chum”. But he insists DD’s diagnosis gives him no pause for thought because there is nothing neurologically different about him at all 🤨

www.nhs.uk/conditions/dissociative-disorders/

Like everything, there's a big spectrum with it. I liken my case to being like a computer connected to several hard drives, each with a different version of the same operating system installed. Every time you turn the computer on, you're not sure which version will boot up. Some of the data is shared between all hard drives, but some is retained locally. So, I can have a conversation with someone one day, and not remember it the next, because I am a slightly different version of me. Same with some childhood stuff - it's not always accessible. In addition, I can feel very out of touch with the world - nothing seems real, and I struggle to believe that other people are really here. Oh, I can walk to the same shop many times, but then if I try to go again when I am stressed or emotional, I can't find it.

That’s really interesting. Thank you. And thank you for sharing your experiences.

It just slows the rhythm of conversation, when you have to keep stopping and explaining.

How much of a delay would it have caused for you to say the words "the counsellor". Calling her Sally makes it quite personal. Like she's a friend. So if he has memory issues, and if you are aware of this then you must know he could get confused thinking you were talking about a friend. His brain is wired differently to yours. He processes things differently. Good for you offering him "a prize" of he figured it out. (Christ!) But he didn't figure it out just to "win" a bullshit, patronising prize. He figured it out because he was allowed the space and time to think about it.

I think what he said was sweet. That it was a low point for him that his marriage had deteriorated to a point where you had to go to counselling. That's a fair enough thing to say. But you twisted it. And then further humiliated him by offering him a treat. Like you're training a puppy.

Maybe it's time to look to yourself and your actions, OP. I don't doubt living with your husband is frustrating. But your own behaviour is less than exemplary.

However, at one point, a few weeks back he was talking and saying how one of the bad things about the previous year was reaching a point where we had to go to counselling. I'd said that I felt quite positively about it - and the conversation ended.

But today we were out for a walk and I said, 'You know I was quite disappointed that you felt so negatively about seeing Sally.

A FEW WEEKS AGO he brought something up (and didn't mention Sally by name). YESTERDAY you tried to continue a conversation from a few weeks ago and mentioned someone you met in a professional capacity as if she was a neighbour or friend.

You haven't asked the question but
you are being completely unreasonable.

areyoufree Are you a health professional? I have to take issue with the claims you're making.

My memory is exactly like this, I’m constantly forgetting conversations even if I’ve just had them. Mines to do with bipolar disorder chatty mind.

It’s frustrating and embarrassing and I’m constantly apologising for it.

My partner is very patient with me. If he ever acted the way you did and didn’t disclose the information of who he was talking about just because I couldn’t remember without a prompt I’d feel extremely upset and disrespected over it.

I get your frustration Op but that’s not the way to deal with it

I have been to one Relate counselor and three therapists for at least 5 months each. Some much more. I couldn't tell you a single one of their names.

Your husband's forgetfulness does sound frustrating but the specific Sally scenario isn't that unusual I don't think.

I find this hard to deal with because I feel I have the opposite problem - I can remember names, small events, tiny details of a conversation, the way someone’s face looked when I mentioned something, even the make and model of someone’s car I’ve met once, I’ve always been this way and I always thought it was normal , but dealing with people who don’t have this type of memory frustrates me sometimes. I now don’t mind repeating myself with DP because I know he won’t remember the exact details of an anecdote or name of someone or whatever. He has more of a visual/creative memory.

@GreyishDays @Areyoufree has given a good description of their experience. I don’t experience this myself but see it closely on a day to day basis. There’s lots of good info if you google and a broad range of issues and diagnoses associated with dissociation. Lack of memory for periods of time when other things are clearly remembered can be a feature of mos me of them.

Dissociative disorders are not what came to mind for me. I was thinking more along the lines of a semantic dementia or primary progressive aphasia.

Your relationship sounds really in a bad place. You display very little compassion for him at all.

I'm autistic and I suspect you would find me equally as frustrating. I have an excellent memory and focus for certain things, others, as if it never happened.

We don't all think alike, even if you're both completely 'normal'. And if you can't live with the way he is then perhaps you shouldn't be with him anymore.

I don’t blame you for being frustrated. My mother is similar, and has been as far back as I can remember, and it is frustrating to have to run both sides of a conversation.