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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sally. And my husband's poor memory.

98 replies

TooTypical · 15/03/2020 16:25

He has always been a bit absent-minded and has an ability to focus on one thing while forgetting other things and people. Sometimes it's very trivial - he can't remember what we'd agreed on having for supper, for example and then if it's his night to cook, he wants me to remind him. At other times, he might forget something more significant

This has caused some problems in our relationship particularly since he retired and we ended up going to see a Relate counsellor called Sally.

I think we both liked Sally and found the sessions helpful and I felt glad that we had taken this step. We finished seeing Sally in December

However, at one point, a few weeks back he was talking and saying how one of the bad things about the previous year was reaching a point where we had to go to counselling. I'd said that I felt quite positively about it - and the conversation ended.

But today we were out for a walk and I said, 'You know I was quite disappointed that you felt so negatively about seeing Sally.

At which point he started going, 'Sally? Who's Sally? I don't know anyone called Sally.

And I was going, ''But surely you remember Sally. If you can't remember I am not going to tell you...'

Now he's saying I am 'cruel' for not telling him.

But I do get fed up of the 'wifework' of constantly reminding him of stuff. It's one of the reasons why we saw Sally in the first place....

OP posts:

Ortega · 15/03/2020 17:11

What the fuck?

A prize?

LaCherriesJubilee · 15/03/2020 17:15

I probably wouldn't remember the name of a counsellor I last saw four months ago either...

lemonsandlimes123 · 15/03/2020 17:17

You sound incredibly cruel and unkind. He obviously has remembered the counselling in and of itself as he brought it up in conversation but couldn't recall the detail of her name. He has a poor memory and you have decided to use this against him rather than support him or show any concern at all. It makes you sound rather unpleasant. Also you don't understand what wifework is.

slashlover · 15/03/2020 17:17

It just slows the rhythm of conversation, when you have to keep stopping and explaining. Sometimes it's irritating - at other times it does distress me.

Surely saying ''But surely you remember Sally. If you can't remember I am not going to tell you...' takes longer to say than "the counsellor"?

Shannith · 15/03/2020 17:18

You sound... not nasty, but getting that way out of frustration.

What did Sally suggest you do to improve the relationship and are you acting on what Sally suggested?

Homebird8 · 15/03/2020 17:20

Looking at the compartmentalisation as you describe it, and the memory loss, and that you say it’s likely to have been there since childhood, and that it’s worse when he’s worried, and that he’s capable of a PhD then I would be wondering about a dissociative disorder.

DPotter · 15/03/2020 17:21

My DP has been like this for years - in fact probably since I meet him nearly 40 years ago. Literally would forget his head if it wasn't screwed on. Also has absolutely no system finding lost things. It's a standing joke that there is no way I'll spot his dementia as he's always been like this.

It took me ages, used to try and find lost things for him, now I just leave him to find his own stuff

WhatTiggersDoBest · 15/03/2020 17:21

I hope Sally isn't the counsellor's real name since you've told us who she works for as well.

JigsawsAreInPieces · 15/03/2020 17:23

I promised him a prize if he could remember by supper time

Really?

BidieIn · 15/03/2020 17:25

I can understand this. Ex would forget mid way through a conversation who someone was and it was because he wasn't really concentrating on what we were discussing. His mind was elsewhere. It's very dispiriting.
Current DP forgets people and things but I reckon it's more age related.

Ortega · 15/03/2020 17:25

I cant remember the name of counsellor from last year.

If someone mentioned her name is passing, I would not have a clue what they were talking about.

If they then starting trying to play games with mr instead of just answering, I would probably tell them to piss off.

If you had just told him, the conversation could have continued.

Tistheseason17 · 15/03/2020 17:25

I don't think you sound very sympathetic to your poor husband who is likely stressed and suffering. I appreciate it may be frustrating but not telling him who Sally is, is actually quite cruel.

adaline · 15/03/2020 17:27

Surely you could have just said "you know, Sally, our counsellor" and continued on with the conversation?

Thinkingabout1t · 15/03/2020 17:28

OP, my DH does this and it worried me at first, then I accepted it's just part of growing older. It can be quite funny when he's telling someone an anecdote and i'm filling in the names and places. Women in my experience are better then men at remembering names and personal things, and yes I suppose it is a bit of wifework. I would get him to the GP if his memory seemed to be noticeably deteriorating.

But why does it bother you so much? You know his mind works like that, compartmentalising, smart enough to be accepted for a PhD but not sure what he's meant to be cooking. There must be more to your discontentment than just his memory? That doesn't seem very annoying in itself.

Are you focusing on that rather than on something more serious because the more serious issue would be too painful? Or are you irritated by feeling he's getting old and doddery? Sounds as if you need to talk about it more, maybe with Sally.

Josette77 · 15/03/2020 17:29

You are cruel. Telling him would have helped the flow more than being rude.

Chillyourbeans · 15/03/2020 17:33

I don't think you sound cruel or unkind, I think you sound frustrated and exhausted. I suspect you've carried the burden of being your husband's memory bank for your entire married life and you find it draining. My husband has dyspraxia and a feature of it is appalling short term memory so for the last 25 years I've performed the role of Wifey the Amazing Memory Woman. I love him and I understand it's not his fault but by God, sometimes it's knackering.

LumaLou · 15/03/2020 17:34

It’s not unreasonable to be frustrated, but it does appear that you are becoming cruel. You have recognised that this is out with his control. You say that he is ‘wired’ to compartmentalise, so why taunt him?

It’s not ‘wifework’ to take into account that your husband may require some context or a reminder. It’s part of being in a partnership.

I’ve a terrible memory and DP helps me out.

OscarWildesCat · 15/03/2020 17:35

OP I think I'd be concerned this was part of a bigger picture. I'm afraid offering him a prize, whether said in jest or not, is very patronising and unsympathetic. I'd be seeking the help of a medical professional if I were you .

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 15/03/2020 17:36

I get it OP. I refuse to act as the external memory bank for the family. I have been known to tell people not to outsource their thinking to me.

I have enough of my own stuff to remember.

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 15/03/2020 17:37

My dc (young adults) and I have working memories at the low end of normal. We will forget the beginning of a sentence before the speaker has reached the end. We are otherwise quite clever (well, the DC are), but nothing works without taking notes or restructuring the conversation.
Very often we do not find the word we want and have to make do with a word from the correct semantic field.

LittleLittleLittle · 15/03/2020 17:39

I meet so many people that I frequently don't remember names so I find your behaviour cruel particularly as you stated a name with no context.

Elladisenchanted · 15/03/2020 17:52

I have ADHD and this is something I do (forget names/dates/places/appointments) despite having managed to get a degree. I find I have to work really hard trying to find lots of links to the thing I'm trying to remember (usually names and places) to hit on something that will trigger the memory. It's usually pretty upsetting and frustrating for me and I frequently feel like an idiot.
I'd find what you said to your husband quite upsetting tbh if it had been said to me. It's not deliberately forgetting or trying to land the burden of memory on you. If he's otherwise quite a nice fellow I'd say you are being a bit unreasonable and unfair to be honest. It's not wifework really it's supporting him in the areas he's not so great at.

StrangeLookingParasite · 15/03/2020 17:55

for the last 25 years I've performed the role of Wifey the Amazing Memory Woman. I love him and I understand it's not his fault but by God, sometimes it's knackering.

Yep. Mine has no trouble remembering some things, but I'm the central memory bank for anything house related.

TealWater · 15/03/2020 17:57

A prize? Really? You are treating him like a child! Your behaviour is insulting and abusive. It takes 1.5 seconds to say 'the counsellor' or
2 secs to say 'the Relate counsellor'. So he had to spend all day thinking of something you could have told him in 1.5 seconds? You sound very emotionally abusive. If this was a male doing this to his wife, we'd be telling them to LTB. It seems like you could do with a fair bit of counselling for yourself on your own to discover why you act so abusive towards your spouse and enjoy this power trip.

TealWater · 15/03/2020 18:02

If you know he has memory issues, is it too much for you to simply say "You know I was quite disappointed that you felt so negatively about seeing Sally the counsellor ".

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