Sally. And my husband's poor memory.

[TooTypical]

He has always been a bit absent-minded and has an ability to focus on one thing while forgetting other things and people. Sometimes it's very trivial - he can't remember what we'd agreed on having for supper, for example and then if it's his night to cook, he wants me to remind him. At other times, he might forget something more significant

This has caused some problems in our relationship particularly since he retired and we ended up going to see a Relate counsellor called Sally.

I think we both liked Sally and found the sessions helpful and I felt glad that we had taken this step. We finished seeing Sally in December

However, at one point, a few weeks back he was talking and saying how one of the bad things about the previous year was reaching a point where we had to go to counselling. I'd said that I felt quite positively about it - and the conversation ended.

But today we were out for a walk and I said, 'You know I was quite disappointed that you felt so negatively about seeing Sally.

At which point he started going, 'Sally? Who's Sally? I don't know anyone called Sally.

And I was going, ''But surely you remember Sally. If you can't remember I am not going to tell you...'

Now he's saying I am 'cruel' for not telling him.

But I do get fed up of the 'wifework' of constantly reminding him of stuff. It's one of the reasons why we saw Sally in the first place....

It could be dyspraxia with regards to how he files memory.
It's frustrating that he relies on you like this.
Suggest he looks up his symptoms and find other ways of adapting his learning and memory techniques rather than rely on you.

This must be some kind of joke. If not, you are incredibly cruel. Yes, you may be fed up of having to remind him of things, but until you are certain there is no underlying cause for his poor memory, you should be a bit more concerned and supportive of him seeking the proper investigations. Poor guy

I’ll be honest, I don’t think you’re worried enough about his memory loss...

He's always been like this. It drives me crazy. Feels like he just can't be arsed to remember stuff if I can to it for him. Sheer laziness.

He sounds like me. And it's absolutely not laziness, nor is it that I can't be arsed. I've been forgetful and absent minded all my life, and I hate it. It scares me sometimes, and I would LOVE to be able to remember things. I love reading, but I don't rember much about anything I've read a week later. My mum is 86 and she can quote whole chunks from books and poems. And she doesn't forget a thing. Sadly she's also not a nice person and doesn;t give a fig about us.

I think I'm a much nicer person. But I'm unlikely to remember anyone's birthday without help, I can rarely remember people's names, and I struggle with faces too.

I wish people could have more empathy. I get that if you have a great memory, it's hard to imagine not having one. But seriously, I would hate to think that people think I'm doing this deliberately.

I hope Sally isn't the counsellor's real name since you've told us who she works for as well.

I used to work for Relate and I can tell you there are probably at least fifty counsellors called Sally throughout the UK. Even if it is her real name the chances of her being identified from this are minute to non-existent. Now if she was called Tallulahbelle...................

My DH is dyslexic and dyspraxic and some conversations are a PITA. Example, yesterday I said to him that a particular road through town is blocked due to an accident. This is the main road through town. I called it by its name - Main Road (not real name). He just looked blank at me and said which road is 'Main Road?'. We've only lived here for 38 years.

Every other conversation is like this, especially if it involves me having to name streets or towns or villages in the locality. I have to describe to him how to get to them, or name someone we know who lives there. Most odd.

My memory is fine but I wouldnt remember who Sally was if the name was mentioned without context and was if I wasn't seeing her anymore, if you'd said sally the counsellor and he didn't know who that was then I would understand.

My mum suddenly throws random names into conversations, and expects me to know who she's talking about because she was talking about them 5 days ago. She once asked "what is the ring was like ???" Still no idea who's ring ??

My memory is rubbish. You WERE cruel. You sound like a right fucking treat.

I get it OP my dad was the same. He effectively outsourced his memory bank to my mum. There's a shitload of stuff that husbands don't have to remember because their wives will do the remembering for them.

Does he have attention deficit disorder? There are online questionnaires he could do.

YAB not only U but also cruel and patronising.

Throwing a name into conversation, without context and then refusing to clarify who you are talking about and promising a ",prize" if your husband managed to connect the dots is emotionally manipulative.

I have a terrible memory, always have done, and so I have developed many strategies to help me remember things, including asking for context when I cant place something being discussed.

You threw the comment out without any context - according to your OP you just made a comment out of nowhere - so it would probably take anyone a minute to place the name Sally into context, never mind someone who you already know has memory issues.

YABVU, really cruel and borderline abusive. Don’t play games with him and don’t treat him like a child.

You need to take a look at your behaviour. You should be ashamed of yourself.

But today we were out for a walk and I said, 'You know I was quite disappointed that you felt so negatively about seeing Sally.
At which point he started going, 'Sally? Who's Sally? I don't know anyone called Sally.
And I was going, ''But surely you remember Sally. If you can't remember I am not going to tell you...'
Now he's saying I am 'cruel' for not telling him.

Yep. That sentence from you, out of context would have me responding the exact same way.

"...seeing Sally" I'd be wracking my brain for a friend called Sally. Not someone I'd had an appointment with

"If you can't remember I am not going to tell you..." would have my brain freeze in a panic, and feel anxious about yet again having a black hole in my memory.

Yes, you were cruel. The more that memory 'holes' lead to other people's exasperation, the worse it gets. Because stress makes it even harder to recall stuff.

What would Sally say about this pettiness?

@TooTypical

Hopefully she’ll tell him over breakfast! 😄

Wow you’re a mean one OP. Clearly something is going on with your DH and you have no compassion.

If you said a first name to me, I'd presume you were talking about a friend or relative. If I have dealings with someone in their professional capacity, I'd call them that. If you asked me when I last saw Olga, I'd wonder what you were talking about. If you asked me when I last saw the dentist, I'd tell you.

Reading this has made me so sad. I am dyspraxic and have a terrible memory, don't remember names, faces, directions, books I've read, plots in films. I get so angry and frustrated with myself and feel really stupid when people say "Don't you remember such-and-such...?". It's not that I don't care, it's not that I haven't tried, (I make myself notes and lists all the time), I simply cannot retain some information.

Luckily I have a wonderful DH, who, I am sure, secretly gets frustrated with me, but who has never, ever, made me feel stupid and who will repeatedly fill in gaps for me without a hint of malice or pettiness. Your poor husband.

Conversations are hard work with someone who refuses to 'run to the net'. If he's pretending not to know who you're talking about, he's being a pain.

My DH does this, and will interrupt me mid-sentence after about three words to say he hasn't got vital information to help him know who/what I'm talking about. Just listen to the whole sentence!

I know he's bad when I find myself mentally rearranging in advance what I need to communicate so the vital bit comes in the first couple of words. If he were a tennis player, he'd stand stock still with his racquet out and expect the other player to aim direct for its centre. I also have to police myself for certain words and phrases that he will pounce on and express disapproval of instead of listening to what's being said. These can change without warning, so it's never an exhaustive list. Me: Would you like a coffee, DH? Him: What do you mean, a coffee? Do you mean a CUP of coffee? If you mean a CUP, say CUP. Just saying 'a coffee' sounds so American. Who have you been listening to? You sound so sloppy. Me: Make your own bloody coffee, then.

I bet OP's DH will make more effort when communicating with his PhD supervisor!

You make me so happy for my DP. Who, when I regularly forget people or words, helps me remember kindly and without fuss.

I had this in my marriage. It's so tiring to be someone else's memory as well as your own. If you know you struggle to remember things, make a note or find a system that works for you, don't just dump it all on someone else and get arsey when they get a bit fed up of it.

I’m not sure OP. I know what you mean about wifework. But I also think that a GP appointment could be useful here.

Looking at the compartmentalisation as you describe it, and the memory loss, and that you say it’s likely to have been there since childhood, and that it’s worse when he’s worried, and that he’s capable of a PhD then I would be wondering about a dissociative disorder.

Thought the same.

This isn’t “wife work.”

There are lots of burdens that women carry, but this doesn’t fit the pattern at all.

This is forgetfulness or absent-mindedness. You are cruel to not add “our counsellor” to the conversation and stop playing mind games.

Sounds very like my FILs early onset vascular dementia. It is so frustrating in the early months before diagnosis. Please be kind, it’s terrifying for him and he isn’t doing it deliberately. Imagine it was uou, you’d want patience and understanding.

Make an appointment with doc. Keep a diary. He will be reluctant to go. If he refuses youll need to go and explain symptoms (diary v helpful here). They can then intervene. My FIL got a home visit at that point where the report pointed out he was wearing three pairs of trousers and two belts. But he got help.