Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Argument with friend

86 replies

Imtootired · 15/03/2020 14:45

I have or had a friend for a few years. She lives around 45 minutes to one hour drive from me so we mostly talked on the phone or texted. We were there for each other during difficult times and would have great chats. Had a few friends in common so would occasionally do things in a group although I wouldn’t actually see her that often. She does have some issues, like most people do, including myself. Getting wound up about things and stressing and mental health issues. Sometimes it would annoy me a bit when I had so much on my plate to get through everyday and she would complain about having so much to do when at most it was a few errands for herself and some cleaning of her own house which most of the time wouldn’t get done. I didn’t really judge though because everyone has their own stuff. Just mentioning that because it was sometimes quite annoying to hear someone complaining about so much to do and money issues when they were getting almost the same amount of money for doing absolutely nothing. Anyway it was my birthday a while ago and she said she’d come to dinner so that day I messaged twice to check and didn’t get a reply back till afternoon saying sorry she wasn’t coming. I was pretty annoyed because if I had said I would most likely be coming to something I would let someone know as soon as I decided not to. Since then I haven’t been replying to her much which I know is a bit rude but I just didn’t have the energy to get into things with her. There have been many times that she hasn’t replied to me for days in the past when she’s had her own stuff going on, and usually I would always reply to her when I had a free moment. When I had my baby she didn’t visit till he was a month when she could have come earlier if she’d wanted. She didn’t bring a present because she said she was short on money but we went out for lunch to a restaurant and she said I’ll pay for you as a present. That was really nice of her but again from my own point of view I would always bring a little present to a baby from me. It’s not about money at all but thoughtfulness. I would have preferred some small little toy for the baby. Another time my mum was going to be going near her house and for some reason she didn’t get back to my mum to let her know if she could drop in to say hello. It was really rude. Basically everything came to a head today and she was really insisting on knowing what was wrong. I told her my issues in the nicest way I could and she sent me some really horrible messages. I blocked her number because they were upsetting but we are in a group chat on messenger with two other friends so not sure if I should block her there too. Don’t want to cause drama and don’t want to isolate her from others if she’s feeling bad and make them choose sides. Who is being unreasonable? Sorry this is so long

OP posts:
Jumpjumpjumper · 15/03/2020 14:48

Maybe it's the way you've written it, but you come across worse.

ShirleyPhallus · 15/03/2020 14:52

She sounds like a bit of a crap friend but you just have different expectations.

For example, I would think it quite thoughtful that a friend left it a month before visiting a new baby, knowing how much I’d want to get in a routine, get to know the baby with my partner, introduce her to the family etc etc. And I’d rather have someone pay for my lunch / dinner as a gift rather than yet another thing for a tiny baby that they’ll grow out of quickly.

Would be interesting also to hear her point of view on some of this, especially if she does have mental health issues. Sounds like you’ve just grown apart. No excuse for horrible messages to you though.

Imtootired · 15/03/2020 14:52

Yes I don’t think I wrote it very well I was just trying to get all relevant information in. Well she seems to think I’m completely selfish and crazy for being annoyed about these things. I don’t know

OP posts:
Imtootired · 15/03/2020 14:56

Yes it’s definitely different expectations. I don’t mind that she left it a month although if a very close friend of mine was happy for me to come see a new baby sooner I definitely would. I mentioned the month part because she definitely had time to buy something. If I’m going to something where I should bring a gift I will always bring one even if I have to stops at the shops on the way with my kids. Yes I’m sure she’s got her own side of the story and I do feel bad about the whole situation

OP posts:
99RedRaccoons · 15/03/2020 14:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Imtootired · 15/03/2020 15:00

Saying I’m selfish and crazy and will have zero friends left and it’s no wonder I don’t have a proper relationship

OP posts:
Figgygal · 15/03/2020 15:00

I don’t see the issue re: the post baby visit and not bringing gift myself actually I’d have appreciated a free lunch more Confused

Leaannb · 15/03/2020 15:00

YABU and definitely more than grabby.

Imtootired · 15/03/2020 15:01

After hearing stuff like that, that’s so personal and mean I doubt we can be friends again

OP posts:
Leaannb · 15/03/2020 15:01

@Imtootired I can see her point

Leaannb · 15/03/2020 15:02

@Imtootired Why was your mom being so rude to invite herself over....

Imtootired · 15/03/2020 15:03

Ok fair enough, I posted so I could get other people’s perspectives. For those saying I’m grabby it’s really not about money it’s that it’s nice for a baby to have something from people that they keep and will have sentimental value. And to do with my birthday it was not even letting me know till the last minute

OP posts:
Crinkle77 · 15/03/2020 15:06

Sorry but I'm with your friend.

Imtootired · 15/03/2020 15:06

She wasn’t at all! My friend doesn’t have many friends where she lives and is always talking about being isolated and lonely. We have kids the same age so my mum was messaging to say could they come in for a cup of tea on there way somewhere else so the kids could have a play and they could have a catch up. She could have easily said she was out or busy and my mum would have been 100% fine with that but she just didn’t even reply.

OP posts:
Leaannb · 15/03/2020 15:08

@Imtootired your expectations are unreasonable. The chances of your baby keeping a gift for ever and ever is unrealistic. Its weird you don't think your mother inviting herself to her house isn't weird?

DontTouchTheMoustache · 15/03/2020 15:10

When you have mental health issues the simplest tasks like cleaning and going out can be very overwhelming so its unfair to be annoyed at her for thinking she has a lot to do, just because you think her life is easy it doesnt mean it is.
Same goes for not replying to messages for days, i do this when my mental health is bad, i cant face a lot of things.
Your mum inviting herself over comes accross pushy and id have made an excuse as well especially if my house needed a tidy.
Your baby present grabbiness is frankly ridiculous.
Honestly you come accross terribly here, your friend hasnt done anything wrong and the messages saying you are selfish may not be far off the mark.

Josette77 · 15/03/2020 15:11

I think you are being way too picky. Your friend seems pretty ok.

Imtootired · 15/03/2020 15:11

No because they get on well and it was mostly for the kids to see each other. It would have been extremely easy for her to make an excuse if she didn’t want to but I would guess it was when she had her own stuff going on.

OP posts:
DontTouchTheMoustache · 15/03/2020 15:12

How do you know she even saw the message or wasnt too busy to reply. The world doesn't revolve around you amd your mum you have far too high expectations

Josette77 · 15/03/2020 15:12

Is your friend possibly right about you being selfish? Have these issues come up before for you?

AntMansVan · 15/03/2020 15:13

Babies don't need "things". It's just tat/clutter, unless it's something very useful. Is it your first baby? I must admit I'd have preferred being taken for lunch more than being given a pointless toy or jumper they'll wear once.

It sounds like you just have very different expectations of a friendship. Is she close to your mum? How long have you known each other?

What if she didn't want your mum to visit her? Do they usually see each other without you?

I'm struggling a bit to see what the issue is.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 15/03/2020 15:15

Apologies if i am coming across a bit unkind OP, not my intention but reading my messages back they seem rude.
But again with the birthday thing i get bad social anxiety and sometimes its worse than others, its possible she was having some last minute issues and wasnt able to let you know sooner.

Imtootired · 15/03/2020 15:15

I wouldn’t mind at all if she didn’t want my mum to come around it was that she just didn’t respond to messages for days. The past few days I haven’t been replying to her because I just didn’t want to get into an argument plus I’m very tired and not feeling the best, and she sent me a message today saying reply in 30 minutes or I’m calling the police for a welfare check! When she could have checked with someone else that knows me that I’m fine!

OP posts:
Lynda07 · 15/03/2020 15:17

Give it a bit of time and then extend the hand of friendship again; she can choose to take it up or ignore.

These are tense times for many of us and what may seem like a big issue to one is not so for another. We all have a moan to friends.

Life will go on.

Imtootired · 15/03/2020 15:18

No it’s not first baby but it’s just nice to have a special toy or outfit from friends or family. I’m sure if she was in a good frame of mind she would have been happy to see my mum but she does sometime have issues with anxiety and drinking and gets very overwhelmed keeping her house under control. It’s not that she didn’t want to see my mum it was just really rude not to make up a little white lie if she didn’t

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread