Argument with friend

[Imtootired]

I have or had a friend for a few years. She lives around 45 minutes to one hour drive from me so we mostly talked on the phone or texted. We were there for each other during difficult times and would have great chats. Had a few friends in common so would occasionally do things in a group although I wouldn’t actually see her that often. She does have some issues, like most people do, including myself. Getting wound up about things and stressing and mental health issues. Sometimes it would annoy me a bit when I had so much on my plate to get through everyday and she would complain about having so much to do when at most it was a few errands for herself and some cleaning of her own house which most of the time wouldn’t get done. I didn’t really judge though because everyone has their own stuff. Just mentioning that because it was sometimes quite annoying to hear someone complaining about so much to do and money issues when they were getting almost the same amount of money for doing absolutely nothing. Anyway it was my birthday a while ago and she said she’d come to dinner so that day I messaged twice to check and didn’t get a reply back till afternoon saying sorry she wasn’t coming. I was pretty annoyed because if I had said I would most likely be coming to something I would let someone know as soon as I decided not to. Since then I haven’t been replying to her much which I know is a bit rude but I just didn’t have the energy to get into things with her. There have been many times that she hasn’t replied to me for days in the past when she’s had her own stuff going on, and usually I would always reply to her when I had a free moment. When I had my baby she didn’t visit till he was a month when she could have come earlier if she’d wanted. She didn’t bring a present because she said she was short on money but we went out for lunch to a restaurant and she said I’ll pay for you as a present. That was really nice of her but again from my own point of view I would always bring a little present to a baby from me. It’s not about money at all but thoughtfulness. I would have preferred some small little toy for the baby. Another time my mum was going to be going near her house and for some reason she didn’t get back to my mum to let her know if she could drop in to say hello. It was really rude. Basically everything came to a head today and she was really insisting on knowing what was wrong. I told her my issues in the nicest way I could and she sent me some really horrible messages. I blocked her number because they were upsetting but we are in a group chat on messenger with two other friends so not sure if I should block her there too. Don’t want to cause drama and don’t want to isolate her from others if she’s feeling bad and make them choose sides. Who is being unreasonable? Sorry this is so long

What did you actually say to her when she asked what was your problem? She’s clearly really upset and offended. As are you now.

Your relationship reminds me a bit of a couple of very old friends who want to stay in touch but not meet up. That’s ok with me.

But you are right, this friendship is dead unless you are both willing to apologise, mean it and take on board the points made.

You don't live close enough to her to know exactly how her life is. Just because you think she has nothing to complain about doesn't mean life for her is hunky dory. Everybody has their own issues. Everybody. And while one person's troubles might seem trivial to you, to them they are very very real.

For example, nothing you've outlined about your friend would bother me all that much. But it has bothered you enough to call her out on it. (Ok, your birthday lunch wasn't ideal but other than that I can't see any issue)

Treating the mother rather than the baby is a lovely gesture especially as so many people forget the mother is an individual person and not just the baby's mother. So not only were you expecting a gift from her for your baby, you were expecting a specific type of keepsake gift. How many photo frames, memory books, piggy banks dies one newborn need. And how many 10 year olds treasure these newborn gifts?!

You have no idea really how her life is. You assume your life is harder than hers and she should be a much better friend and more available to you.

I think let this go now. You started it by calling her out on what you deemed to be unacceptable behaviour. She felt attacked and attacked back. You mightn't have liked what you heard, but I doubt she was all the pleased to hear what you thought of her either.

Yes we would talk so much on the phone but rarely meet up and I’ve just been feeling lately that I’d rather invest my energy into people I will actually see and who will follow through when we have plans. After she had asked again for me to please tell her what my problem was I told her I was upset about my birthday and mentioned the other times I felt a bit let down

Did you mention the baby gift?

@Imtootired You are making a lot of presumptions then calling her rude for not living up to those presumptions. Why would she have to lie to someone who rudely invited themselves to her home? Her phone is for her convenience. Not for your mother's or anyone else. She wasn't rude for not responding tonyour mother's self issued invitation

Unblock her number. Blocking seems to be the solution to everything on MN these days, but it the equivalent of stomping off saying "I'm not speaking to you" in the playground. If you want a chance to continue your friendship in the future, communication is the key. Discusses your difference and come to agreement like adults. Or just leave it for a bit without blocking her. You can give someone space without blocking them.

Yes I do know everyone has their own issues and I know her life is really hard at times. I’m actually not trying to be a bitch at all @PeterPanGoesWrong thanks for that. Really constructive. I ended my original post by saying I don’t want it to get nasty and I don’t want to cause drama and isolate her from other friends!

Sounds like you've been investing a lot of energy into this friendship and are feeling resentful due to the judgements YOU have about her and her lifestyle.
It's perfectly fine to pull back from someone you feel is draining your time and energy and quite frankly pissing you off.

Her response tells me that she's an insufferable, selfish, self absorbed twat and you're better off without her in your life.
She wants your attention on her life - but she isn't interested in listening or being there for you.
It's all about her.

Just block her from everywhere.
If it causes issues for her - not your problem.
If anyone asks why you've blocked her, tell them the truth -she was being constantly demanding and needy of your energy but never there for you - and wasn't interested in anything you had to say.

Now that you've turned the 'supply' tap off, she will move onto the others for it - soon they will see it too.

The past few days I haven’t been replying to her because I just didn’t want to get into an argument plus I’m very tired and not feeling the best

So, it's ok for you to not feel the best, not feel up to replying, not want to get into discussion with people, but she must reply to you and your mother because she has nothing better to be doing, and nothing to worry her.

If she's not on top of housework then ignoring someone asking to come visit seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to do.
Sometimes I've avoided people. Sometimes I've ignored a text.
Sometimes I've read a text, meant to reply and then completely forgot.
Sometimes my children have the phone when the text comes through and I don't even see it until days later.

But you assume she was rude. You assume she has nothing to bother her. You assume she makes problems for herself where there are none.

I'm not very surprised she told you a few home truths.

Yes I might unblock it tomorrow but I just don’t want to argue and go over things anymore. People are going on way too much about my mum “inviting herself over”. They know each other and my friend would often talk about being lonely and not knowing people in her area and would sometimes ring my mum out of the blue for a chat. So my mum was definitely not being pushy

It sounds as if you created a laundry list of things you’re upset about and she felt incredibly criticised and retaliated in kind.

When you are upset with someone, it’s best to just deal with one issue and not “get all the relevant information in”. The issue as I see it is that she has left you hanging a few times recently, such as your birthday snd you’re hurt. The rest such as the baby is silly.

Idk if you want to still be friends with her. It sounds as if you’re the one, who needs to apologise if you do. If you respond to the messages she sent negatively, you’ll get the same back but worse.

I don’t want to cause drama and isolate her from other friends!

Why on earth would you do this?

Her friendships with others are none of your business. If you don't want to engage in the group chat YOU should leave it, not block her.

I can see his from your friends point of view.
I have sever anxiety and depression. I want to be social and see my friends. I get excited about going out, get ready and struggle to get over the door step.
My idea of hell is someone dropping at text to 'pop in'
I think you lack the understanding of how she feels mentally, so it is hard to sympathise with her.
But I also do agree it would be hard to be on the other side of the friendship. She should have taken the opportunity to be honest with her feelings but sadly she didnt and went into fight mode.

@Imtootired...Inviting yourself and a couple of children to someone else's home is incredibly pushy

You're getting a lot of unwarranted criticism here OP. I think it's time to call time on this friendship. You're both not getting anything out of it anymore.

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre for a long time she wouldn’t reply to messages for days sometimes if she was busy, got distracted, was overwhelmed with things. I really didn’t mind, sometimes I would be a bit worried and say can you let me know if you’re ok but never messaging over and over and saying I’ll call the police for a welfare check. The only time it really annoyed me was when she didn’t reply to my mum because I would never ignore a friends parents, it’s so disrespectful and rude! I’ve been busy and kind of down about this situation and wanting to avoid it so didn’t reply to her the past few days. And she’s the one saying she’ll call police to check on me. So it’s definitely not that I expect her to always be there for me it’s actually the other way around.

I would be quite put out if someone got upset that I didn't buy their new baby a present. Being pregnant we have been given soo much stuff, I would be really grateful for the lunch over more tat! Maybe she thought she was being kind.

To be honest, your protestations about your complete innocence and her being totally at fault don't wash. One person is very very rarely completely at fault in a disagreement. If you can at least concede a little that you have a part to play (even if it's just that you projected expectations that she wasn't aware of - keepsake gift for the baby for example) then you have a chance of salvaging the friendship.

But maybe you don't want to salvage it, because maybe you think she's completely at fault and you've done all you can to make her see the error of her ways and she has just been ungrateful about it all.

It reads like when you were at school and a friend would go on about everything a friend had ever done wrong, ever!
You are holding onto way too much.
If someone cba replying then why bother texting them let it fade away.
She doesn't by you a present but takes you out for lunch, that nice!

You sound like hard work

@Leaannb I’ve answered this quite a few times that that isn’t what happened. Don’t know what your problem is but if you’re just here to be nasty and cyber bully move on and get a life

I think the both of you have different expectations about this friendship.

And i think you think you are closer than what you are.And unless i knew someones dm i would find it really weird them wanting to drop in.

She probably didnt want your DM to drop in which is why she ignored the message.

My friend occasionally jokes that if she doesn't hear back from me in X amount of days she'll contact the police and check the hospitals.

But it's a joke!!!!

Again, you are pushing expectations on her. Saying you'd expect her to reply to your mum. It's rude not to. She may not have even seen the message. She may have seen it and forgot to reply.

You are determined to paint yourself as the good guy and her the villian.

Leave her blocked. But do not try to involve any of your mutual friends and get them on your side.

If I was her I would block you. You sound needy, grabby and childish

@Imtootired...Im actually not being a bully. Your mother inviting herself to your friend's home was pushy as all fucks. Then you have the nerve,the absolute nerve to get upset with friend because she didn't respond or make up a silly lie in response to your mom's pushiness. You have stated several times your friend has anxiety issues and falls behind on her housework so why would you think its ok for your mother to invite herself to your friend's home? Them getting along and talking doesn't excuse the self issued invitation. Since you are so close and mom is so close you didn't think that would exacerbate her anxiety issues? Whybwould you or your mom add onto to her anxiety issues if you are her friend. You are bleating on about not receiving some crappy gift for your kid even though she treated you to lunch but you refuse to acknowledge that your mom behaved badly. You behaved badly for being so grabby about a gift. Can you honestly not see where your friend is absolitely correct by calling you selfish?