Argument with friend

[Imtootired]

I have or had a friend for a few years. She lives around 45 minutes to one hour drive from me so we mostly talked on the phone or texted. We were there for each other during difficult times and would have great chats. Had a few friends in common so would occasionally do things in a group although I wouldn’t actually see her that often. She does have some issues, like most people do, including myself. Getting wound up about things and stressing and mental health issues. Sometimes it would annoy me a bit when I had so much on my plate to get through everyday and she would complain about having so much to do when at most it was a few errands for herself and some cleaning of her own house which most of the time wouldn’t get done. I didn’t really judge though because everyone has their own stuff. Just mentioning that because it was sometimes quite annoying to hear someone complaining about so much to do and money issues when they were getting almost the same amount of money for doing absolutely nothing. Anyway it was my birthday a while ago and she said she’d come to dinner so that day I messaged twice to check and didn’t get a reply back till afternoon saying sorry she wasn’t coming. I was pretty annoyed because if I had said I would most likely be coming to something I would let someone know as soon as I decided not to. Since then I haven’t been replying to her much which I know is a bit rude but I just didn’t have the energy to get into things with her. There have been many times that she hasn’t replied to me for days in the past when she’s had her own stuff going on, and usually I would always reply to her when I had a free moment. When I had my baby she didn’t visit till he was a month when she could have come earlier if she’d wanted. She didn’t bring a present because she said she was short on money but we went out for lunch to a restaurant and she said I’ll pay for you as a present. That was really nice of her but again from my own point of view I would always bring a little present to a baby from me. It’s not about money at all but thoughtfulness. I would have preferred some small little toy for the baby. Another time my mum was going to be going near her house and for some reason she didn’t get back to my mum to let her know if she could drop in to say hello. It was really rude. Basically everything came to a head today and she was really insisting on knowing what was wrong. I told her my issues in the nicest way I could and she sent me some really horrible messages. I blocked her number because they were upsetting but we are in a group chat on messenger with two other friends so not sure if I should block her there too. Don’t want to cause drama and don’t want to isolate her from others if she’s feeling bad and make them choose sides. Who is being unreasonable? Sorry this is so long

How old are you? I got tired just reading your post

I understand how you feel, also how it all came to a head. I would unblock her and chat as normal, on the group chat. Life's too short to fall out over silly stuff. I suspect her mental health, makes cleaning and welcoming/arranging a visit difficult (due to anxiety).

@ConkerGame agree totally.
Over the top criticism from some posters

I have kind of exact expectations from friendships so I understand where you are coming from. Especially with your birthday.

But with the baby present? I thought the thing was to buy a present for the first baby, but not the subsequent ones? I've only bought a gift for first babies, and only received them for the first. And by your 2nd etc you normally have everything you need anyway, so it's all clutter and tat that takes up space. Many families with more than one child have more stuffed toys and other toys than the kids could ever use. And unless it is a really precious keepsake such as an expensive name bracelet or something (that is only given by family, anyway), lets be honest; NO one keeps their ratty old gifts from when they were a baby. NO ONE. That's even if they are still all in one piece and recognisable and not damaged/lost.

A stuffed toy costs what? 5 dollars? Dinner at a restaurant would be 5 times, even 10 to 15 times that when you consider drinks/dessert. I would much more value my friend rewarding me for going through childbirth and all that, with a lovely expensive lunch at a restaurant, than another tatty, ratty old stuffed toy that I'll just need to throw out. It seems your friend decided to do something nice for you as the mother ie as the one who went through 9 months plus childbirth, something just for YOU only. That is sweet and wonderful, and I think I can safely say I speak for all us women and mothers when I say most of us would prefer a treat for ourselves, than some more ratty rubbish the baby doesn't need. I'd be falling over myself in gratitude and thankfulness towards her! I don't like the term 'push present', but it's us mums who should be treated after 9 months +hell, not the baby!!

What I can’t work out is why you think it’s disrespectful to ignore your mum but not you? If you are usually fine with a lack of response from messages it is unfair of you to suddenly expect a different response from your friend without telling her you have moved the goal posts.
You seem to expect her to think, feel, act in line with your ways of doing things with an almost point blank refusal to consider any other way of acting.

I think your unfairly getting a hard time on this thread op.

While I agree nothing shes done sounds that bad I can see how an accumulation of loads of little things have just built up and really annoyed you.

It's hard having mental health problems but people seem to forget (or ignore) that it's also hard to be close to someone who has mental health problems. It can be draining, particularly if your going through a hard time yourself. It's ok to put yourself first and step away from people who bring you down.

It does sound like the friendship has run its course. Personally I would try to have one last conversation just to smooth things over and hopefully 'break up' with no hard feelings. Maybe even send an email apologising for upsetting her but you feel the friendship has run its course and you wish her well etc.

She’s done nothing wrong!

You sounds exhausting. Sorry!

As for your mum - I get on fine with my friends’ mums but that’s just a bit weird to me.

I really think you’re the problem.

A few years ago I fell out/broke contact with someone that had been a close friend.

Something happened. I can't remember what (relatively minor) like I couldn't do something she wants me to or similar.

....but it was the fact that she the in "...and last month you did xyz, 4 months ago you did ...., you never do x, you always do y".

I never knew about any of her "issues" with me. she had been storing them all up. It felt like she was talking to a boyfriend or something with all her grudges - way too intense.

I said if the problem we have today was the problem I would do what I could to work it out but it sounds like you have lots of problems over a long time (with me) so I give up - and I threw in the towel on that friendship.

issues you had should have been mentioned at the time so they could be dealt with not stored up. If they weren't worth mentioning at the time then they should have been forgiven.

Although if my friend had had a baby and I took her out for lunch (at my expense) and she had a sulk that she should have had a present I would think she was pretty crazy.

Set this poor woman free, just end the friendship

Honestly I don't bring gifts for new babies abd I'm certainly not going to prioritise driving for an hour to see it. I think paying for lunch is a lovely gesture. She sounds nice and you sound quite needy.

Listen to your post. You say things aren't important but they obviously are. You are trying to fool yourself and us into thinking you really like this friend when I fact you are very hurt and angry. Just say that because you sound very passive aggressive and childish.
Grow up. This is an adult relationship. You are expecting from everyone yet what are you bringing except a churlish demanding intensity. Come on now. Focus in important things not gifts and nonsense. Share your new baby with the peope you love rather than set tests for them to fail.