Argument with friend

[Imtootired]

I have or had a friend for a few years. She lives around 45 minutes to one hour drive from me so we mostly talked on the phone or texted. We were there for each other during difficult times and would have great chats. Had a few friends in common so would occasionally do things in a group although I wouldn’t actually see her that often. She does have some issues, like most people do, including myself. Getting wound up about things and stressing and mental health issues. Sometimes it would annoy me a bit when I had so much on my plate to get through everyday and she would complain about having so much to do when at most it was a few errands for herself and some cleaning of her own house which most of the time wouldn’t get done. I didn’t really judge though because everyone has their own stuff. Just mentioning that because it was sometimes quite annoying to hear someone complaining about so much to do and money issues when they were getting almost the same amount of money for doing absolutely nothing. Anyway it was my birthday a while ago and she said she’d come to dinner so that day I messaged twice to check and didn’t get a reply back till afternoon saying sorry she wasn’t coming. I was pretty annoyed because if I had said I would most likely be coming to something I would let someone know as soon as I decided not to. Since then I haven’t been replying to her much which I know is a bit rude but I just didn’t have the energy to get into things with her. There have been many times that she hasn’t replied to me for days in the past when she’s had her own stuff going on, and usually I would always reply to her when I had a free moment. When I had my baby she didn’t visit till he was a month when she could have come earlier if she’d wanted. She didn’t bring a present because she said she was short on money but we went out for lunch to a restaurant and she said I’ll pay for you as a present. That was really nice of her but again from my own point of view I would always bring a little present to a baby from me. It’s not about money at all but thoughtfulness. I would have preferred some small little toy for the baby. Another time my mum was going to be going near her house and for some reason she didn’t get back to my mum to let her know if she could drop in to say hello. It was really rude. Basically everything came to a head today and she was really insisting on knowing what was wrong. I told her my issues in the nicest way I could and she sent me some really horrible messages. I blocked her number because they were upsetting but we are in a group chat on messenger with two other friends so not sure if I should block her there too. Don’t want to cause drama and don’t want to isolate her from others if she’s feeling bad and make them choose sides. Who is being unreasonable? Sorry this is so long

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre I’ve already said I won’t do that I’m not trying to be nasty. And I’ve already said many times that she would be the one to call my mum and also often said she wished she lived closer so she could see people more. All my mum did was send a message saying she would be in the area and would she like a visit!!!! A simple no thanks it’s not a good time would have been fine. Why can’t you read what I’ve written? I already acknowledged that we have different expectations in one of my first comments

She didn’t bring a present because she said she was short on money but we went out for lunch to a restaurant and she said I’ll pay for you as a present. That was really nice of her but again from my own point of view I would always bring a little present to a baby from me. It’s not about money at all but thoughtfulness. I would have preferred some small little toy for the baby. Another time my mum was going to be going near her house and for some reason she didn’t get back to my mum to let her know if she could drop in to say hello. It was really rude

You sound batshit. The lunch was the gift! It’s thoughtful and it’s nice - very ungrateful of you. And she probably didn’t want your mother to pop in and felt awkward so didn’t reply. Christ.

@Leaannb please actually read my above comment about what actually happened with my mum. So you’re saying don’t offer to see anyone with anxiety in case it freaks them out? This is really ridiculous

No it’s not first baby but it’s just nice to have a special toy or outfit from friends or family

Wut? 🤪🙄😆

Op i think what she is saying is its fine for your mum to offer to see her but with plenty of notice at a mutually convenient time and location. She possibly just didnt see the message or maybe she sawit and felt a bit panicked or awkward. You are essentially getting annoyed with her for either not having seen the message in time or just not handling a situation the same way you would, neither is fair.

Ok most people have said I was being unreasonable re baby gift. That wasn’t my main problem with her at all. I’m just seeing it from my own perspective that I’m happy when a close friend has a baby and would definitely have got something. Not everyone is like that so I guess that’s fair enough. My main problem was that I was always there for her if she needed to talk or anything even when I was busy. On her birthday I was busy and tired around that time but still came. It was starting to feel like she was only being my friend when it was convenient for her

I understand that she was probably having mental health issues when the thing with my mum happened but a lot of people feel that was but force ourselves to do basic things to be polite like sending one text message

When you are not well mentally , the littlest thing/task seems like an enormous mountain to climb, even getting out of bed of a morning. Reading through the lines your friend seems poorly . I think you should have been more understanding OP although with a new baby l can see how you would be hard pushed yourself. If you want to be friends again can you contact her and say let's be friends it was all so silly. The lunch thing seems an obvious one to me, she couldn't get up enough spirit to buy the baby a present but when you were together she could pay for the meal because she didn't have to think about what to get , wrapping it , a card etc . I can see it clearly but l appreciate why you wouldn't necessarily see it too. You have a new baby and everything else pales into insignificance as it should

@mrsmadevans thanks for the reply I think you’re right about her struggling. And I’m probably more sensitive and tired lately looking after my baby. I think this is just a combination of both our issues and differing expectations and I probably haven’t dealt with it in the best way

I think the big mistake you are after making is that you answered her question by giving a list of (relatively) minor issues.

If you were going to go through or point out some issues that she had let you down on then you should have had some really good and obvious issues or called her to discuss or even just said very little. It has now reversed back on you and you cant apologise as she has now called you much worse and it could be perceived as a reaction to her reaction.

The only issue I think was valid was her lack of notice ref the birthday and without knowing her, there could have been a genuine reason with that also.

I dont know if you should respond at all - you could go back saying that you thought that ye were good friends and that is why the events had upset you but that her subsequent reaction was unwarranted. And maybe leave it (and the friendship) at that. On the group chat just treat her like any non friend in a group chat - dont leave it but dont make a personal effort with her.

Yes to be honest I’m really over the whole thing at this point. My main things going forward were trying to not leave her feeling too bad about it. In the group chat it’s only the four of us so I might just explain to my friend what happened and not reply in the chat. I really don’t want a huge drama. @wheretonow123 yes I agree I shouldn’t have mentioned the other issues in my message to her. In my mind they just all build up to her being a bit uncaring towards me.
This might sound bad but the relationship was getting quite draining for me. Sometimes she would talk for so long about herself for 10 minutes + with me barely saying a word so I would just do my shopping online listening to her on speakerphone. She’s not always like that but sometimes it would just get far too much for me

@Imtootired
I understand what you are saying.

Your mum meant well offering to see her.

I understand what you mean about the tiny present - it shows forethought and you were hurt that she didn't bother thinking of this before she saw you. Paying for lunch shows that it wasn't because of finances that she didn't get the baby a present - it seems like she just didn't bother. That was hurtful for you.

As to what her problems are - well we don't know. But we do know that you feel let down and disappointed and possibly even a little depressed.

I hope you feel better about it all soon. Forget your friend's behaviour - it sounds like she is all caught up with her own problems at the moment. Enjoy your lovely new baby.

@sayanara thank you for the message that is how I’m feeling. My baby was a month old by then and she could have easily picked something up when she was food shopping just to show she was happy for us. Yes I’ll just try to move on from it. I hate the thought of her being upset about things but there was some underlying issues so it’s probably best for both of us if we take a break for the time being.

wheretonow123 Sun 15-Mar-20 16:17:21
I think the big mistake you are -after- making is that you answered her question by giving a list of (relatively) minor issues.
..............
I agree, you've put that very well (apart from the 'after' but assume that's an error you meant to correct:-)).

I'm sure it will blow over though, friends do fall out sometimes and then fall back in.

I'mtootired: I’m probably more sensitive and tired lately looking after my baby.
....
I think so too.

I'm unclear now what the problem was

You've accepted that it's ok to take you to lunch
You've accepted that it was ok for your friends not to be in a position to host.

So what's left

@forrestgreen I do understand why she might have done those things but to be honest they hurt my feelings. It was never about not hosting it was the rudeness and flakiness. And the present, she probably didn’t realise how I would feel as others have said they would be fine with that. Still to me it seemed really thoughtless and lazy. Anyway I’m not going to dwell on this and give it any more energy

Do you think her talking about herself for 10 minutes whilst you ignore her and her problems and do online shopping paints you as the best friend?

It was sometimes quite annoying to hear someone complaining about so much to do and money issues when they were getting almost the same amount of money for doing absolutely nothing

Do you even like this person, because that statement is full of resentment towards her. I think this friendship has just run it's course and time for you both to move on.

Even with you having the benefit of being able to paint this story in your favour, you are still coming across badly. When other posters have challenged you, you have contradicted yourself and it's hard to understand what your problem actually is. When she gets in touch with you, you can't be arsed with her because her problems bore you. When she doesn't reply, that's a problem too. When you can't be arsed with her you blank her messages, but when she doesn't reply to you, that's a problem. Now that you've told her off you seem to be hinting at bigger dramas to come which include her being isolated from mutual friends. It's as if you are pondering how bad her punishment should be. You sound like a really shit, annoying mate.

I think unless there is a really good reason, not replying to a text message is really rude. So she was rude to your mum, and you have been very rude to her in return. It takes 10 seconds for goodness sake.

The other stuff is peripheral - no gift but she took you out for a meal? I would much have preferred a meal treat than a stuffed toy gift.

Maybe your friendship has just come to an end. No need for nastiness, just apologise for not clearing the air sooner and leave it there.

I’m sure it doesn’t @crispysausagerolls but this wasn’t even about her serious problems it was the first time I’d talked to her after I’d been really sick and she was talking for 10 minutes non stop about a time she was in hospital years ago and what the nurses and food were like. I was listening but literally didn’t have time to get one word or comment in.
@chucklebuckles yes you’re right that statement is quite full of resentment and I don’t like being like that. Like I said I understand that everyone has their own problems and her issues were big for her but during the time I was pregnant I was working and studying and trying to buy all the things I needed before the baby came she was complaining a lot about just cleaning her own house with absolutely nothing else to do. And complaining about money while going on holiday and online shopping a lot. I usually don’t compare my life to others but at that time it was quite grating

I honesty can't see what she has done that is so bad.

I mean she paid for you to have lunch as a present but you're pissed off she didn't buy the baby a present.

How ungrateful and petty. I'd not give a friend like that the time of day ever again

Yeah you’re not painting yourself well here op, your behaviour isn’t good. I think most people can see her point.

Seems that you didn't raise any of these issues with her when they happened, but just kept score behind the scenes and then lashed out later - even if you were right, that is a sure-fire way to make someone feel bad.

I think you've going to have to let this one go, OP. Next time you have an issue, raise it at the time as a single item. Don't make other friends 'choose sides' either, it's got nothing to do with them!

I do think she should have let you know earlier on your birthday - that's a genuine issue.

OP I don’t understand why you’re getting such a hard time on this thread - seems to be a lot of people with severe anxiety replying?

Not turning up to someone’s birthday and not letting them know in advance is rude and very inconsiderate. Visiting a new baby without even a token gift is rude. Not replying to someone’s message about visiting is rude.

Doesn’t sound like she’s all that good friend, OP - all take and no give. No need to be dramatic about it; just stop replying to her messages. After all she doesn’t seem to think that’s a rude behaviour anyway, so she can hardly complain!