Was I wrong in this argument?

[Robin42]

OH and I have just had a massive argument and I am really upset and crying. He thinks I am wrong. I think he is being horrible.

I have been suffering with my mental health badly for the past few years. I feel really low about my appearance and how I look and feel quite ugly most days. My partner does compliment me and say nice things but not daily or anything like that. Yesterday I wore makeup for the first time in ages and he said a few times how pretty I looked. Perhaps I should have taken this as a compliment, but it just made me sad because it made me feel like "why don't you compliment me without makeup? I'm not good enough without makeup". I said to him is it because I've got make up on? Is that why I look nice? And he said i dunno...yeah. this really hurt my feelings because it makes me feel like well i obviously need make up to look attractive :( I said this to him and he said well why do you wear make up, because you like the way it looks, so why cant I?

All I wanted was some reassurance that I am just as pretty without makeup :(

I felt really upset and I went quiet and I needed some time to ground my emotions. He got annoyed at me for being upset so I said I was going to get ready for bed. I didnt want a confrontation. I just wanted it all to go away.

I went to bed and straight away in the morning he jumps down my throat how I am rude for going to bed and not saying goodnight and for fuck sake all I did was say you were pretty. I just sit there on the sofa with tears rolling down my face and he says that there I go again playing the victim, and that the way I treat him is unacceptable and he isnt having it and that he deserves an apology. I feel so bullied and attacked that I feel too scared to even say what my feelings and emotions are because he is so angry that I feel he would use anything against me. I feel powerless and defeated. I say sorry and he says I dont mean it. I'm really upset and I just feel he doesnt understand me at all. All I wanted was some reassurance and I felt his compliment was a little back handed. We have just moved in together and now I feel like I have made a huge mistake.

I had to go to my old house today to clean it ready for handing the keys back and take some furniture to the skip. He promised to help me but refused to come because I didnt apologise and because I wasmt talking. But I coyldnt talk to him because he was being so hostile. :(

I have messaged him asking him to come and help because I cant carry the furniture on my ow and he said I should have thought about that before being so rude and that he isnt helping. I've asked friends but noone is free at such last minute. I'm sat here crying in my empty old house and with old bookcases and stuff upstairs that I cant carry down :(

At this point he could obviously have said 'No, not at all' and defused things It was a compliment there was no need for OP to overreact or him to defuse the situation. He'll think carefully about the next compliment he makes, this is when relationships get abusive when you need to think before you speak for fear of upsetting your partner.

This thread is confusing. Is your partner he or she? Is the older thread a past relationship.

@pieceofmaria

I doubt it, given she's just moved in with him/her.

Ah shit sorry, I probably wrote this in a really clumsy way - I was asking because the advice would be very different if a new partner versus long term one.

That's only because I think a long term one may have been on the receiving end of no win questions for a long time and just had enough, whereas a new one might not.

I had missed they were moving in together and just thought OP was moving.

Either way I think that OP is asking an awful lot from a partner by asking no win questions and leaning so heavily on anyone else to keep her anxiety at bay.

I think it would be wise for OP to seek some counselling and be single for a while before embarking on another relationship.

I put YANBU for the way he verbally attacked you later.

The bit about him saying you looked pretty, although I've been there, that would be yabu. I think you need to tell him allof this a lot more.

I think you put him in an unwinnable situation where whatever he said was wrong.

However I picked YANBU because I think you struggle with anxiety and he’s let you down and blamed you for him not helping.

You sound a bit childish to me. So what if you look prettier with make up. Most people do. But we don't sit crying about it. He sounds patient to me, and long suffering.

Take a look at the news. The world is in the grip of a pandemic, thousands dying. You are worried that your lipstick has made you look more attractive.

YABU and it does sound like you’re being a drama queen and playing the victim OP. He was trying to say a nice thing and you’re saying he made you feel powerless and bullied??