Was I wrong in this argument?

[Robin42]

OH and I have just had a massive argument and I am really upset and crying. He thinks I am wrong. I think he is being horrible.

I have been suffering with my mental health badly for the past few years. I feel really low about my appearance and how I look and feel quite ugly most days. My partner does compliment me and say nice things but not daily or anything like that. Yesterday I wore makeup for the first time in ages and he said a few times how pretty I looked. Perhaps I should have taken this as a compliment, but it just made me sad because it made me feel like "why don't you compliment me without makeup? I'm not good enough without makeup". I said to him is it because I've got make up on? Is that why I look nice? And he said i dunno...yeah. this really hurt my feelings because it makes me feel like well i obviously need make up to look attractive :( I said this to him and he said well why do you wear make up, because you like the way it looks, so why cant I?

All I wanted was some reassurance that I am just as pretty without makeup :(

I felt really upset and I went quiet and I needed some time to ground my emotions. He got annoyed at me for being upset so I said I was going to get ready for bed. I didnt want a confrontation. I just wanted it all to go away.

I went to bed and straight away in the morning he jumps down my throat how I am rude for going to bed and not saying goodnight and for fuck sake all I did was say you were pretty. I just sit there on the sofa with tears rolling down my face and he says that there I go again playing the victim, and that the way I treat him is unacceptable and he isnt having it and that he deserves an apology. I feel so bullied and attacked that I feel too scared to even say what my feelings and emotions are because he is so angry that I feel he would use anything against me. I feel powerless and defeated. I say sorry and he says I dont mean it. I'm really upset and I just feel he doesnt understand me at all. All I wanted was some reassurance and I felt his compliment was a little back handed. We have just moved in together and now I feel like I have made a huge mistake.

I had to go to my old house today to clean it ready for handing the keys back and take some furniture to the skip. He promised to help me but refused to come because I didnt apologise and because I wasmt talking. But I coyldnt talk to him because he was being so hostile. :(

I have messaged him asking him to come and help because I cant carry the furniture on my ow and he said I should have thought about that before being so rude and that he isnt helping. I've asked friends but noone is free at such last minute. I'm sat here crying in my empty old house and with old bookcases and stuff upstairs that I cant carry down :(

I’d say you were in the wrong. How often do you react like this OP? If this is happening a lot I could understand his reaction. It sounds like he’s been pushed the limit of his patience with you.

He complimented you and as a result you gave him the silent treatment and stropped off to bed but still expect him to rock up to do heavy lifting.

Well, yes she did...

It's called being an adult and living up to your obligations. If DP and I had a row but he needed my help the next day I wouldn't withdraw it as a punishment.

OP, these replies must be very difficult for you to read, especially for someone who suffers with anxiety anyway, but please try to heed what people are saying.

Living with anxiety is very very difficult, and lonely, and upsetting, and scary.

Living with someone with anxiety is similar. But add to it that the partner of the anxious person doesn't have a diagnosed condition. They don't get counselling or medication to help them deal with episodes. They are expected (as you now realise) to be there unconditionally. To be a constant support. To know what to say, what not to say, when to say it, when not to say anything. They are the ones quite often at the receiving end of the anxious partner's fears, worries, over reactions, anger, upset. And very often they don't talk to family or friends about it all because they are loyal to their partner.

I understand that living with anxiety isn't easy. But please don't underestimate how difficult it is for the partner of someone living with anxiety.

Your bf is doing his best. But no matter what he said, or if he said nothing, he was going to be wrong.

Why did you put on makeup? Do you think you looked prettier wearing it? Or did you think it made no change to your appearance at all?

You behaved very badly and a tad unhinged. He's an arse for carrying it on and not helping you.

I am sure your OH finds you attractive without makeup. I expect he felt happy for you that you felt able to put makeup on as it's been a while. I think your health issues have made you come to a negative conclusion.

Did you manage to resolve things with the house one way or another? Did you leave the house to move in with him?

If it couldn't be sorted, there's nothing you can do. Just tell the landlord you did your best.

Are you receiving help with your mental health issues? Counselling? Medication?

For what it's worth, though your reaction to a compliment was... not great to say the least, if you have severe depression it's understandable. For him to shout at you for going to bed without saying goodnight and then refuse to help you eve though he knew you needed help is worse behaviour. It can be hard to evaluate the state of a relationship when you are mentally unwell, but it doesn't sound great. Do you think it might be better if you were alone for a while, or do you need support?

I'm in the minority but I tend to think YANBU. You communicated to him that you felt he only thought you looked nice because you had make-up on, and when he agreed you explained that it made you feel bad because it seems like he thinks you need make-up to look attractive.
At this point he could obviously have said 'No, not at all' and defused things.

I think him refusing to come and help you is very mean too. My DP and I have had words sometimes, but would always give practical help like this even if we were otherwise 'not talking' albeit perhaps with bad grace

The poor man can’t win. Do him a favour and separate.

@IntermittentParps if he'd have said 'no you always look nice' she'd have asked why he never says it when she's not wearing make up
There was no right answer

He complimented you and said you look pretty, fair enough most of us look better with makeup on. Because of your mental health not being great, you over processed the compliment, but that's what happens with MH looking for the negatives.

If he'd have said 'no you always look nice' she'd have asked why he never says it when she's not wearing make up
How do we know that?

I feel sorry for your partner. I think you need to seek counselling and work on your issues before this permanently damages your relationship.

I couldn’t deal with it personally, I’d walk!

My DP and I have had words sometimes, but would always give practical help like this even if we were otherwise 'not talking'

If you're regularly indulging in the silent treatment you must have a relationship similar to OP’s and a lot of us don’t think that’s a good way to behave towards your partner so it’s unsurprising you’re defending her.

@intermittentparps by the way she's written her OP. He compliments her, but there's always an issue with the way he's complimented her. She can never just accept the compliment.

Given the help she needed was to clean up and take furniture to the skip as she was moving in with him, they had a fight, it kinda makes sense why he didn't help her. It's all a blessing in disguise really, because she has far too many issues to be in a cohabiting relationship right now, and she NEEDS her old place, and should not take furniture to the skip, because she will be needing it now. She would have been better off storing it at someone else's place, or paying for storage, because she will be without any furniture otherwise. Then living together is clearly a major mistake, so she needs to hold onto her place, and hold onto her furniture.

Last sentence should be *Them living together is etc

Everyone looks better in make up, that's why it's a multi million pound industry.

You were in the wrong, poor bloke no wonder he's fucked off

Oh dear. OP, it was lovely of him to give you a compliment. I’m sure if you said he was handsome dressed up for a night out, for example, would he turn get upset if you didn’t say it when he had just woken up all manky?

Say sorry to him & get some therapy for your self esteem.

Your partner a couple of weeks ago was a woman, is this a new one?

OP, I've been where you are: Allowing my anxiety to irrationally dominate my thoughts and reactions and hurting those around me.

CBT really helped me develop strategies to cope with my anxiety much better, are you receiving any counselling support at the moment.

Your partner a couple of weeks ago was a woman, is this a new one?

I doubt it, given she's just moved in with him/her.

The sex of the partner is irrelevant. She was probably just doing a half arsed job of trying to hide her real identity by changing minor details.

YABU
But it's okay because you can change it with a little help. It's definitely your anxiety talking, I used to be exactly the same. Listen when your partner tells you how he feels, just because you are crying it doesn't make you more upset than him.
My now husband used to say I'm not taking this shit, I told you I think you're beautiful so either take it or don't. I thought it was harsh but actually best thing anyone ever did for me. He helped me pull my self up and believe him and years later it's so much better.
Today is your starting point! Good luck!

just because you are crying it doesn't make you more upset than him.

That’s worth saying twice. DH was conditioned by his batshit mother to then tolerate his ex being extremely manipulative so that every time she cried he was automatically a bastard and in the wrong. I cry at all sorts of things, often happy ones, and it’s taken years of explaining that it’s just how I sometimes things and not his fault.

We’ve got a lot of work to do on his children who are also being brought up on a steady diet of “look what you’ve done, you’ve made me cry, do you want to be bad and make your mummy cry?” from their mother

Water coming out of your eyes doesn’t make your feelings stronger or more valid than someone who doesn’t cry as easily.

I totally get that you have poor self esteem and it is awful - I've been there and it's caused me to pick silly arguments in the past so I'm definitely not here to judge.

But... from an outsiders perspective it sounds as if he couldn't do right for doing wrong here, if he hadn't had said anything about it you would have been upset by that too.

I think in this situation I'd approach him and apologise for taking the compliment and turning it into a massive argument but that your self esteem just makes you turn these things into a negative and that you'd really love to work on this with his support.

Hey OP is this the same OH that you think might be cheating on you? I know the sexes have changed between posts but that may be your issue, did you talk about your trust issues?