Was I wrong in this argument?

[Robin42]

OH and I have just had a massive argument and I am really upset and crying. He thinks I am wrong. I think he is being horrible.

I have been suffering with my mental health badly for the past few years. I feel really low about my appearance and how I look and feel quite ugly most days. My partner does compliment me and say nice things but not daily or anything like that. Yesterday I wore makeup for the first time in ages and he said a few times how pretty I looked. Perhaps I should have taken this as a compliment, but it just made me sad because it made me feel like "why don't you compliment me without makeup? I'm not good enough without makeup". I said to him is it because I've got make up on? Is that why I look nice? And he said i dunno...yeah. this really hurt my feelings because it makes me feel like well i obviously need make up to look attractive :( I said this to him and he said well why do you wear make up, because you like the way it looks, so why cant I?

All I wanted was some reassurance that I am just as pretty without makeup :(

I felt really upset and I went quiet and I needed some time to ground my emotions. He got annoyed at me for being upset so I said I was going to get ready for bed. I didnt want a confrontation. I just wanted it all to go away.

I went to bed and straight away in the morning he jumps down my throat how I am rude for going to bed and not saying goodnight and for fuck sake all I did was say you were pretty. I just sit there on the sofa with tears rolling down my face and he says that there I go again playing the victim, and that the way I treat him is unacceptable and he isnt having it and that he deserves an apology. I feel so bullied and attacked that I feel too scared to even say what my feelings and emotions are because he is so angry that I feel he would use anything against me. I feel powerless and defeated. I say sorry and he says I dont mean it. I'm really upset and I just feel he doesnt understand me at all. All I wanted was some reassurance and I felt his compliment was a little back handed. We have just moved in together and now I feel like I have made a huge mistake.

I had to go to my old house today to clean it ready for handing the keys back and take some furniture to the skip. He promised to help me but refused to come because I didnt apologise and because I wasmt talking. But I coyldnt talk to him because he was being so hostile. :(

I have messaged him asking him to come and help because I cant carry the furniture on my ow and he said I should have thought about that before being so rude and that he isnt helping. I've asked friends but noone is free at such last minute. I'm sat here crying in my empty old house and with old bookcases and stuff upstairs that I cant carry down :(

Yes I'm sorry. I understand how debilitating it is to feel anxious and insecure however, objectively he gave you a compliment, you twisted it bizarrely to turn it into an insult then went into a massive sulk about it,

Please get some sort of support for your mental health and try to build other strategies for dealing with your insecurity because otherwise it could end up driving you apart for good.

Try not to look to others for affirmation. You'll only end up feeling let down

You were unkind to him.
Whether you are pretty or not doesn’t matter at all. You have someone who loves you for who you are. When was the last time you told him how handsome he was?
Try to be less egocentric and consider how your behaviour escalated the argument which is a storm in a teacup. Are you ready for a committed relationship if you think whether you are pretty is key to your self esteem?

You sound incredibly young. Do you exercise? That might help you build more self confidence and certainly helps with mood.
List the things you like about yourself and pin it to your fridge. Read it daily and build on those.
Learn something new. Learning is fantastic for developing self esteem. Do an online GCSE, learn to knit, learn French, learn tennis, learn bread making - anything really.
Take the idea that prettiness is related to your worth and dump it fairly quickly.

Have you changed partners in last month? The one month ago was a she.

Im not surprised he left you to it today, you way over reacted... would you rather he said nothing after going to the effort of putting on makeup to enhance how you look? Poor guy probably would have been in the shit either way

He gave you a compliment on how you looked (not what you did) and you couldn't handle it because he was saying in other words that you looked better/ different/ more striking. Come on... If he was at fault, he wouldn't have said "you look pretty", he'd have said "you've made an effort".

Ah sorry OP YABU. He complimented you and you made him feel like shit. I wouldn’t expect him to try anymore - can you blame him? Can’t do right for doing wrong.

If my husband has his hair cut or shaves or wears a new top, I'd tell him how nice he looked. If it put him on a downer because I hadn't said that beforehand, and then spiralled into crying then stropping off to bed because nothing I said was the right answer, then yeah I'd be pissed off and disinclined to be helpful unless he'd apologised for being like that. I get how it feels when you're in a negative frame of mind but the fact that you still think he was in the wrong and are playing up the tragic aspect (tears, can't carry furniture etc) makes you seem like very hard work, which will way more off-putting than any aspect of physical appearance.

You were in the wrong. What's he meant to do? Just never say anything about how you look inside you get offended that he didnt say it when you edte in your jammies with your hair in a bun?

Sometimes we look better if we were something, do something with our hair, smile more or whatever. Is he bit supposed to notice those moments when you look particularly good? He wouldn't be with you if he didnt think you were attractive. He's picked you. He likes how you look. He needs to be allowed to notice when touge made an effort, especially since he compliments you on normal occasions too.

It sounds like he is trying to make you feel god and you're just throwing it back in his face, picking a fight, treating him badly and then sitting with tears rolling down your face when he fights back. No wonder he's angry.

You dont sound ready for a relationship. You need to have time with yourself and get some help for your mental health

I’ve got to say I do think YABU. I don’t know anyone who looks better without makeup - the whole point is that it improves your skin, lashes, lips etc, otherwise we’d not bother with it. The compliment is based on fact. You are bringing your own insecurities into this and punishing him for giving you a compliment just because you want to look as notably pretty without it as with it. None of us do! I think the crying etc must have left him utterly baffled and probably a bit annoyed. I have clinically diagnosed anxiety too so I’m not unsympathetic that you have it, but I think you need to recognise that crying about getting compliments for looking nice in makeup is really not something you can expect your partner to understand.

Oh dear. You guys are going to have find a way to handle conflict or you will both be really miserable.

Maybe you could try starting now? Apologise - because, yes you were in the wrong, but also ask him if he could put it aside as you do need his help.

Don’t be sulky and tearful, but try to be conciliatory and positive about your new life together.

"I say sorry and he says I dont mean it."

I couldn't tell if this related to this incident or if it's a more general thing, but it sounds from this later section that there's a pattern of behaviour here that isn't healthy for either of you and you're right that moving in has been a mistake. Can you have that conversation and get some space? It sounds like you both need it.

In the nicest possible way I think you have overreacted Andy i can understand why he would be annoyed

I can understand why he is annoyed but surely he can't expect you to be able to move heavy furniture etc? How does he think it's going to get done?

I just feel he doesnt understand me at all

That'll be mutual. You're both upset. Calm down a bit and then try to talk so that you can understand each other, rather than trying to focus on finding out who is 'wrong'. You both are, and neither of you are, depending on nuances. Try to understand his feelings, and I'm sure he'll try to understand yours too.

Poor guy is damned if he does and damned is he doesn’t. I suffer with my mental health too, but you did have a go at him for something that he was paying you a compliment on.

"How does he think it's going to get done?"

Presumably he doesn't care.

YABU for sure.

You put the makeup on because presumably you think you look nicer with it on.

If he hadn't mentioned it at all, I'm sure he would have been wrong for that too.

I don't think you are being unreasonable but maybe he was just enjoying seeing you take a pride in your appearance. that does not mean he does not think you are attractive without make up

You might want to rethink moving in together. I mean, if you're going to fight like this over trivia, and he's going to withdraw help for important things if you're fighting, then you really haven't got a hope in hell of things working.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3830704-AIBU-to-be-upset-by-these-white-lies

I commented on a thread of yours recently and adding them both together I think you do need some proper support. This plus the white lies issues sounds stressful for you with your mental health and also for your partner.

If he said you looked nice in some PJ bottoms, a baggy t shirt, hair not done and mo make up, it's likely that you would be annoyed because you would feel its wasnt true.

The only way for him to even nearly do the right thing is never compliment you. But the eventually that will make you feel shit.

Why did you put make up on? Was it to perk yourself up? So you looked a little more put together?

There has to be a reason and it seems almost like you were setting him up to fail. If he did notice and compliment, he is wrong. If he notices and doesnt compliment, he must not like how you look. He if he didnt notice, he doesnt pay attention to you.

There was no way you werent going to be pissed off with him.

I'm afraid I agree with a lot of the other posters - he said something nice and you interpreted it with the most negative connotations (which reveals a pretty low opinion of him, if you think about it). Then you blamed him for not being able to defend himself effectively against your accusations and went to bed without any attempt to resolve the dispute or listen to his side any further.

It sounds like he is frustrated, and I can imagine why if a simple compliment led to this level of hostility. He may have reacted badly, but it is unrealistic to expect him to be responsible for your self-esteem and to carry on as usualy in the face of your apparent determination to paint him in a negative light. It sounds like you might need a bit more support with your issues to bring your relationship back onto an even keel and allow everyday interactions such as this to be taken at face value rather than overanalysed and picked apart.

If this is true (given the change of sex in your partner in the last couple of months), then yes - YABU. I think you probably need to text him/her and apologise, then seek some professional help with your self-confidence.

He gave you a compliment and in return you made him feel shit.

Yep. You want him to compliment you (daily...seriously?) but when he does, he gets this.
I hope you're getting help for your mental health, because this relationship isn't going to stand a chance if this is what you do.