Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want bf to (almost) drop everything to comfort me?!!

76 replies

josieie · 14/03/2020 23:08

Newish relationship, been going so well so far and feel a comfort that I've not felt in relationships before, have a lovely generous caring bf (or so I thought) even if he's not the most emotionally expressive.

But I've been really stressed recently with some important professional exams (and related decisions) and it's the last few days before I sit them. Haven't been able to spend a huge amount of time with bf as he works really late and the last time I saw him he had people over spontaneously who he hadn't seen in a while. So naturally I've been craving comfort from him.

Tonight he had plans which he did invite me to but I didn't fancy socialising much today. I've felt really down and distressed today and I told him so. BF asked if I wanted to meet after his plans tonight, around midnight, which i said might be difficult and I wanted him to honour his plans so we/he decided tomorrow might be better. I'm trying to be reasonable regarding his already set plans but really, I want him to drop everything and come and hug me.

Started feeling anxious later and msged to ask if he'd come and stay over at mine instead after he'd finished. He said he'd try but didn't know when things would finish. AIBU to want to scream at him and ask if he really even cares about me when he'd let me feel this distressed and not even try when I've LITERALLY got days left??!!!''

Of course I want him to have fun and de-stress and I'm TRYING to be reasonable but it feels like a kick in the teeth and like I can't rely on him when I need it the MOST. I just want him to care about me, feel like my feelings only matter after all the fun has been had... makes me wonder if I've picked a wrong'un again Sad

OP posts:
AnneOfTeenFables · 14/03/2020 23:12

You are sounding like hard work. There's no 'naturally' about craving comfort and company because you have exams. Lots of people prefer to be left alone so they can focus. You're also changing your mind about wanting to see him or not, and expecting him to jump.
You're stressed. That isn't his fault. Don't make it a relationship problem.

ButtonandPickle19 · 14/03/2020 23:13

You sound a little immature and, as it’s a new relationship, please don’t scream at him over this if you like him.

You told him to go so he’s going. Call some friends for some support or your family.

conduitoffortune · 14/03/2020 23:13

You are being ridiculous and I actually think I would dump you if I was him

tinybluerose · 14/03/2020 23:14

when he'd let me feel this distressed and not even try when I've LITERALLY got days left??!!!

Are you terminally ill?
Or a drama queen?

It is an exam, don't you think that most people have more important things to think about at the moment?

BeeFarseer · 14/03/2020 23:18

Wow.

He has done absolutely nothing wrong. You told him to go, and he has. You are expecting him to be a mind-reader and for him to realise you didn't really mean 'Yes, go and enjoy your night', you meant 'No, don't go and please stay with me'.

Be clear about what you want next time.

Excited101 · 14/03/2020 23:24

I’d be dumping you op, sorry but you need to chill out.

Divebar · 14/03/2020 23:25

You're not sounding the most mature at the moment.... how would you have managed before you met your BF because you need to go ahead and do that.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 14/03/2020 23:31

Yeah, bit much OP.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 14/03/2020 23:33

He asked you to go with him, he offered to meet you after, you turned him down because let's face it, you wanted him to feel guilty and cancel his plans to come running to you.

BluesPurplesLilacs · 14/03/2020 23:36

Yabu, sorry.

You need to develop strategies to manage your anxiety on your own.

There is so much information about strategies to help with managing anxiety out there if you want to look them up.

mnthrowaway202020 · 14/03/2020 23:36

Won’t you be busy revising or catching up on other work though, it’s not like you’ll give him 100% of your undivided attention either if he comes over

He’s not a mind reader, if you’re upset and want him to come over - tell him. You’ve told him to go ahead with his plans instead

RishiSunakFanClub · 14/03/2020 23:37

I would run a mile if I was him - you sound desperately needy. You haven't picked a wrong'un but he may have. Are you actually an adult because you don't sound like one?

MylittleLovebug · 14/03/2020 23:37

Get a grip. He asked you to come with him, you said no, he offered to meet you after and you said no, now you want him to and he hasn't immediately dropped everything and come running and you want to scream at him because you want a cuddle Hmm I'd dump you

FenellaVelour · 14/03/2020 23:38

If you behaved like that towards me, wanting to scream at me for not dropping all my plans because of your anxiety and neediness, I’d be hightailing it out of there faster than you could say drama llama.

Sorry OP, but you really need to calm down.

UnaCorda · 14/03/2020 23:40

So naturally I've been craving comfort from him.

Sorry, but this makes you sound like a small child wanting to be breastfed.

I started a thread recently about someone I was dating who always wanted cuddles. It was a complete turn-off.

Auldspinster · 14/03/2020 23:42

You sound unhinged. I get feeling anxious- I have a severe anxiety disorder which is through the roof right now due to me being in a high risk group, but this is not acceptable behaviour from anyone.

If I was him I'd be running for the hills.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 14/03/2020 23:44

Sorry OP, you're being ridiculous

MissBPotter · 14/03/2020 23:45

In a new relationship being this dependent and requiring of ‘comfort’ is going to be off-putting for many people. I think maybe you should work on your mental health rather than seek relationships where you become highly dependent very quickly. Hope the exams go well op.

Lifeasweknow · 14/03/2020 23:48

I think you need to just take a moment and breathe. I understand you have anxiety and I understand anxiety very well, but you are coming across as needy. You should not be reliant on somebody else to help you manage your anxieties and if you carry on like this, he won't be around long enough for you to rely on him anyway. Give him a text, let him know you're going to try and get some sleep and too have a good night and you'll see him tomorrow. Get yourself in bed. Brush your teeth, wash your face and do some breathing exercises. I always find youtube sleep hypnosis or chilled out music really helps me get a restful sleep.

Original poster
josieie · 14/03/2020 23:49

@Excited101*@conduitoffortune @rishisunak* @mylittle

ouch okay so I haven't actually screamed at him Blush just wanted to!! I posted on mumsnet hoping I'd be shown sense

and boy was I told... Grin

I really hope he doesn't dump me Confused I've sent him a message apologising and hoping he has fun, am trying to make up for my evident immaturity Confused (runs off to pray furiously to the relationship gods)

OP posts:
eaglejulesk · 14/03/2020 23:51

YABU - You sound like hard work and very needy. Honestly it sounds as though you need to grow up a little before you get involved in a relationship. You need to learn to cope by yourself - how do you imagine people without partners get through life? If you don't change your attitude you may soon find out though.

gamerchick · 14/03/2020 23:52

Why is it all about being comforted? What would you do if you weren't with him?

It's a new relationship, you can't put your emotional well being this much on someone new OP. You aren't dying.

Ask him if he fancies doing something after your exams to blow off steam.

Kleptronic · 14/03/2020 23:59

I get a bit beyond with things sometimes myself and so my personal mantra as a self-check for reasonableness is 'nobody's sick, nobody's died' and that brings me back to ok, so what is it that I really am upset about here. So short of the above, burglary, mugging, accident, lost pet, act of god, sacking, hitherto unknown sibling/disease, unexpected eviction or fire, then yes I think YABU.

Original poster
josieie · 14/03/2020 23:59

okay so I've read all your replies which I appreciate so thank you all Smile

I'm feeling much better now anyway and I was hoping nobody would tell to LTB (coz he really is lovely) so feeling mighty embarrassed at the sad needy msgs i sent him Blush

I am going to get some sleep and try and get a grip on my anxiety/stress handling abilities in future and I hope I won't get dumped because of this ... (but will work on it even if I do GrinWink)

OP posts:
MauriceandAlec · 15/03/2020 00:00

You need to work on managing your anxiety without latching onto people in order to even contemplate ever having a healthy relationship. You are at present far too immature and needy for that to happen and I hope for this man's sake he realises it and lets you go. Way OTT reaction and the whole 'craving comfort' and clinginess is the ick.