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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I hate affection, is this weird as a mum

83 replies

Uedea · 14/03/2020 22:56

Does anyone else have issues with dealing with emotions n affection. I get so frustrated when my husband or daughter are overly affectionate with me. This has defo heightened going into my 8th month of 2nd pregnancy. Ive always been awkard like that but recently i cant stand it and just feel angry about it. I feel like it kinda comes from my childhood but i dont know how to deal with it because my husband is constantly begging for it, and my 2.5 yr old is just like him in that way. Like i cant understand why its hard to understand i like my own space lol? Am i crazy

OP posts:
MaomiMak · 14/03/2020 22:58

Nah you just want your body to be your own

Its bloody annoying being pawed by a kid all day.

Notimeforaname · 14/03/2020 23:01

Some people are just less affectionate than others.

More than likely come from your childhood and how u were raised.
I guess this is just you.
You're not crazy.

Dozer · 14/03/2020 23:02

What do you mean by “overly affectionate”?

CodenameVillanelle · 14/03/2020 23:06

You need to sort this out for your children. They can't grow up feeling that their mum shuns intimacy with them.

CSIblonde · 14/03/2020 23:08

You sound like my Mum. She was a bundle of simmering, wound up anger re her childhood. She was adopted & never bonded with her adoptive mother. Their relationship was very toxic & competitive. The sad thing is I was never given any affection & it was a vicious circle. The more I tried the more she backed off. I now have terrible trust issues & self esteem issues, tho I'm very affectionate. Please try to address it, with Counselling, as the effect of no affection is incalculable. I did child development & child psychology as part of my teaching degree so I know just how much it will affect your children. Children whose emotional & physical needs for affection are ignored can end up with a myriad of issues around trust, love, mental health, relationships, self esteem etc. As I say to friends, if the one person who is supposed to love you unconditionally doesn't, you feel you must be the most vile, terrible, unlovable being in the world. That's an awful burden for a child to carry.

Excited101 · 14/03/2020 23:13

Children need affection, you need to sort yourself out if you’re not able to give it. No one is saying you have to put up with being pawed at or grabbed constantly but it doesn’t sound like it’s that much...?

midgwit · 14/03/2020 23:30

You don't understand why your 2.5 year old can't understand you need your own space? Really?

It sounds like you need some kind of therapy to overcome this. Kids need affection.

Divebar · 14/03/2020 23:34

You're talking about your 2 year old like theyre a nuisance for wanting affection from their mum. I feel very very sad for them. What is it you're not able to do ? Hugs & kisses? I feel you should address this in counselling before you give birth to your baby.

Winterwoollies · 14/03/2020 23:34

I’m like you. I can’t stand being smothered or pawed or overly touched. But people who are naturally affectionate all seem to think we’re psychopaths. We’re not, we just don’t like being touched by other people all damn day.

Sparklesocks · 14/03/2020 23:58

I think it’s completely fair enough if you’re not a naturally touchy-feely person and feel uncomfortable by affection/physical contact - but it’s a different story for your kids. 2.5 is so little and your DD just wants cuddles from her mum. She doesn’t understand the nuances of personal boundaries and space, she just wants her mum. I know it can be annoying when they’re pawing at you and it’s not something you need to do all day, but kids need affection from their parents and it’s your job as her mum to meet her needs. You need to work to push your feelings aside so she doesn’t grow up feeling like her mum won’t hug her.

Chesntoots · 14/03/2020 23:58

I'm the same. Can't stand it. Can't bear "snuggling up on the settee" either. If you want something to pat and pet get a dog or a bloody teddy bear. I'm not here to satisfy your need for attention/cuddles/affection. I'm actually a very loving person, just not "touching". Dont even get me started on fucking feathery stroking...

Uedea · 15/03/2020 00:01

Over affection guys, As in overly affectionate for those people i triggered. I know how to kiss my child, i probably do need counselling but not for that
Winter woolies, Its definitely being pawed at that i cant cope with.
My husband encourages my daughter to do it. I tell him constantly to give me space. Im not talking just here and there, he is always forcing himself (not sexually) on me. How do i deal with this literally all day every day . Especially as my nipples are SOOO senstive atm so even my own arm brushing against my chest makes me cringe. Im just not an overly affectionate person, 8 months preggo super horomonal and emotional and just not affectionate as a person (not that i cant show affection)

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 15/03/2020 00:03

Nobody is ‘triggered’ by your OP Hmm

Chesntoots · 15/03/2020 00:03

I should add that I haven't got kids though. It's one of the reasons I haven't. Require too much attention! My family are all like this though, on both sides so it's not odd for me. If I see people in real life or on tv and the family is all together cuddled up on the settee it makes me feel all claustrophobic.

On second thoughts, maybe I am odd!!

Uedea · 15/03/2020 00:04

Chesntoots

Thats literally me omg 😭😂 im very loving.. just dont touch me more than once a day

OP posts:
Shinyletsbebadguys · 15/03/2020 00:10

Theres a difference between physical affection and love. I think a lot of mums struggle with the constant touching and that is fair enough, especially when you are pregnant and your body doesnt feel like your own.

I tell my DC I love them all the time and most of the time am totally up for cuddles but there does come a point in the day where I struggle in the evening when I am tired I get " touched out" and I know a lot of other mums feel the same.

I make sure I hug and kiss them before bed but there is almost always an hour where I need to go and do something else, clean the kitchen tidy a bedroom whatever because I simply need a break.

I've always wondered if my ds1 whi has sensory issues gets it from me, because in this same period I cant bear loud sharp noises (I'm onto a loser there with two boys 7 and 4 !!!).

You aren't wierd , alot of parents I know struggle with the constant touching. I dont love my DC any less but now after 7 years I have learnt to just take time away. And be ok with that. I teach my DC about bodily autonomy and it's ok to have some for myself.

It's wrong if your dh to encourage your DC to override that. Exdh understood It a bit more because he saw it first hand when DC were babies but I've explained it to DP and he gets it now and will step in and distract DC if it's been a constant touching.

Really not ok for dh not to listen to you if you are explaining it (and if you haven't you need to explain to him)

You really are not wierd , maybe counselling will help if you can trace the route of your frustration. It's a wide statement you have made though , just because I need some time where im not being touched I dont describe myself as not affectionate, quite the opposite im very affectionate the rest if the time and I dont consider it a major flaw that I need my own body back, surely that a basic rule of being human? Why is it different being a mum?

LagunaBubbles · 15/03/2020 00:11

Over affection guys, As in overly affectionate for those people i triggered.

No-one is triggered. They are just feeling very sorry for a toddler and an unborn who's going to grow up with a Mum who has issues showing them affection that's all. You should have gone for help before having children as this can really affect children's emotional growth and development.

rocketmen · 15/03/2020 00:22

Sensory issues don't make somebody a bad mother, ffs. Husband should not be pushing kids to bother mum all day - why can't he offer cuddles and affection if he thinks they need them? She said she's capable of showing her kids affection and sensory issues are no joke.

Uedea · 15/03/2020 00:22

I think my op came across more harsh than it sounded to me. I can give affection but im not an affectionate person. Im not touchy feely at all. Unless its like theres a reason. You know. And its not an anger towards my daughter. My husband is verrryyyy touchy feely, needs to always be told i love him ect. Its something i feel like i have to endure every day but i feel like this frustartion is even more beacuse im preg and nipples so sensitive. But generally before kids n husband it isnt in my nature to be affectionate. . I dunno, i just need a way to cope with it because my husband doesnt seem to get the message and encourages my daughter to do it, not intentionally but bacuse thats what he likes.
Again for people saying i need to be affectionate beacuse that what my daughter needs, im not starving her of love.

OP posts:
rocketmen · 15/03/2020 00:23

They are just feeling very sorry for a toddler and an unborn who's going to grow up with a Mum who has issues showing them affection that's all

This is concern trolling and a hyperbole.

Uedea · 15/03/2020 00:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

peakygal · 15/03/2020 00:29

Try get this sorted for your children's sake at least..My DH was never shown any type of affection by his mother as a child or even adult. She never had it either from her mother. My DH passed away 4 years ago and I know he was convinced she hated him despite her telling him so many times that wasn't the case. Really messed his head up

Uedea · 15/03/2020 00:29

The irony is my daughter doesnt love my husbands affection beacuse even she thinks its too much so thats why she comes to me, and get triple the affection. I have to tell him to calm down with her too. But she loves to smother me with it. I actually know im a fantastic mum, so overly negative comments dont mean much.
Does anyone have any practical advice please thanks x

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 15/03/2020 00:29

Don't post if you don't like what others have to say. I'm a Nurse Therapist treating adults and I listen day in day out to the damage parents have caused their children. Including emotional neglect and having issues showing affection.

mrsmuddlepies · 15/03/2020 00:31

#Uedea, you have posted in the AIBU section and then you police the thread by telling a poster to shut up for making a valid and reasoned point.

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