I hate affection, is this weird as a mum

[Uedea]

Does anyone else have issues with dealing with emotions n affection. I get so frustrated when my husband or daughter are overly affectionate with me. This has defo heightened going into my 8th month of 2nd pregnancy. Ive always been awkard like that but recently i cant stand it and just feel angry about it. I feel like it kinda comes from my childhood but i dont know how to deal with it because my husband is constantly begging for it, and my 2.5 yr old is just like him in that way. Like i cant understand why its hard to understand i like my own space lol? Am i crazy

Well, this is a nice thread

OP, YANBU.

There is an absolutely enormous space between being pregnant, tired, with sensitive nipples and being pawed at by a man, and having a child grow up with emotional neglect. I’m quite angry on behalf of the OP that she is being accused of that.

Life with children is and should be tactile. They should be hugged, kissed, sat on laps etc. That’s all fine. There is still nothing wrong whatsoever with gently diverting their affections elsewhere when it gets too much.

And why do some posters have to make everything about them?

Incidentally, OP, my dad was very loving and tactile.

It never bothered me but recently my brother (a bit drunk!) told me he’d hated being hugged and kissed by him. Which is sad, because they had a good relationship but my brother obviously didn’t know how to articulate that he didn’t like my dads physical affection.

Boundaries are a good thing to give children.

showing affection is not exclusively about physical touching. The OP has said that she kisses her DD and tells her she loves her. And there is a world away from preferring not to be pawed at and actively shunning a needy child, which the OP has not said that she does. And at 8 months pregnant I'm not surprised that she feels the way she does.

OP, I'm not the kind of person that likes hugs from friends etc.. either. I'm not a huggy person and it makes me cringe to be hugged or kissed when I see my friends after a week apart etc.. I am generally quite affectionate in my relationship with DH and like to kiss him and hug him, though occasionally I don't and he's ok with that.

My kids - I adore hugging them, holding them, telling them I love them more than anything else in the world. I simply cannot imagine not wanting to give them the biggest hugs and have them snuggle into me. I am led by them - one is more 'huggy' than the other and needs more cuddles. But they both need hugs when they need them, and want them and I love nothing more than cherishing my two gorgeous little people.

I think if you find it hard to hug your duaghter, or respond to her needs for a cuddle, that could lead to a few issues down the line for her. I know you love your daughter and dh, so might be wise to get some professional support to ensure you are able to respond appropriately to your daughters needs

One of my SILs only ever let her kids get close to her if they were very, very ill. She never wanted kids. Only got them to keep her husband and she has let the kids know that. She is an idiot.

Well without details of exactly what the affection you give is, and what you consider too much...we can’t really judge can we?
I don’t think YABU to need your own space, but “SOMETIMES kiss her good night” is VERY concerning!

What a sad thread, I love hugging my son, I love it when he's playing on his ipad next to me in bed and he puts his feet on me. I just love being touched by him. My husbands mum never hugged him or was affectionate in that way. It did effect him. He constantly tries to please her all the time, and always fails. He's in his 40s. It will never change, he will always feel like he's let her down and is always looking for reassurance of her love. Thankfully he's not learnt from her and we always have cuddle watching the TV etc and hes always cuddling our son.

Just to add, yes you can get too much of a good thing though. And sometimes you do need to go off on your own to read in bed or something. But normal day to day affection is lovely.

I think some of the comments are so unfair OP. I’m like you, I would consider myself affectionate but personal space is important to me too. I kiss my DD, cuddle her, hold her hand, tickle her back, comfort her whenever she needs it, never begrudgingly, yet all of which is constant enough in itself. Then add in a husband, who also wants the same level of physical affection and more, you end up feeling like you’re just being passed from one to the other in the end. The affection I give then feels like it becomes meaningless. By the end of a day I feel like there’s nothing more of me I can possibly give.

I just try to draw the line somewhere. With my husband I just express that he’s a grown man who doesn’t need to compete with a 3 year old for my affection. I’ll show him plenty of my love and attention but constantly blocking my path for a cuddle, smacking my bum every time I walk past or trying to dry hump me whilst I’m doing the washing up is a flat no.

Same with my DD, playing with my hair whilst I’m just trying to sip a drink, clinging onto my legs and kissing them whilst I do the washing up or using me as a human climbing frame whilst I dry my hair or standing with me whilst I have a bath even though my DH is downstairs because I’ve dared to do something for myself for ten minutes is all not necessary for me to respond to with my physical attention because she wants it right at that moment.

They are in no way starved of physical affection so in asking for any more from you I think is unreasonable and if you’re a person who needs your space, I think it’s damaging to your own sense of worth. I can’t see how you’re meant to love any level of physical affection you’re not prepared to give, who wants or needs that kind of attention anyway?

You need to give us examples of how much affection you show and what you think is too much, then you'll be able to get good advice. At the moment you're really sure you are right and honestly none of us can tell if you are or not.

I never really understand posts like this. Just tell them. Give your 2 year old a few brief cuddles every day and explain you don't want to cuddle all the time as your body is very sensitive and it doesn't like the feeling but this doesn't mean you don't love them. You can;t handle cuddles so you show love ot them by (mention whatever you do that shows love on your terms.)
And genuinely consider PP's suggestion that the family should get a dog if two out of three of you want someone to cuddle all day long. Get a gentle breed that enjoys a lot of physical attention. My autistic son is a hugger. I love cuddles but his non-stop need for them is too much even for me. Luckily we have a cat that adores cuddling with him and they do it for hours every day. At night he has giant soft toys - as big as he is - to cuddle and that helps him too.

You still haven’t explained what you mean.

For example, your DP “pawing” you and seeking frequent verbal reassurance of your love for him are NOT actually “affection”.

Yet again what is clearly a DH issue gets derailed.

The issue is your DH and obviously he didn’t used to annoy you in this way otherwise you wouldn’t have chosen to have two children with him.

You need to calmly sit him down and tell him that you love him, that he hasn’t been replaced by the children, but that at the moment you don’t want to be touched. This is because you are pregnant rather than because you don’t love him.

Also not good if your DH is physically “bundling”/mithering your small DC to the point where this irritates them. That’s not affection either.

My daughter gets 2 books EVERY night i tuck her in and sometimes kiss her good night.

This is really sad.

You've still not explained what you mean by overly affectionate either. What is that to you?

Child protection will pick up on this eventually. This is abusive.

@SoleBizzz Do you actual think that social services (I’m assuming that’s what you mean by ‘child protection’) are going to turn up because the children have one parent who isn’t overly tactile?

OP, it's not clear to me whether you mean affection or physical contact. If the latter, you just need to be clear with your DH about boundaries, and very careful to make sure you show your DD love in other ways, including explicitly telling her you love her.
If the former, I agree that counselling would be a good idea, to understand where this comes from and how you can overcome it for your DD's sake without damaging yourself.

Child protection! Get a grip!

OP you need a serious chat with your husband about boundaries and a night off on your own before the baby comes.

Sometimes kiss her goodnight?
How very very sad, poor little girl 😔

You sometimes kiss her goodnight????? That is really sad.

CSIblonde minus the adoption, I could have have wrote your post word for word!

You’re not talking about affection, are you? You’re talking about physical displays of it. It’s very sad for everyone if you don’t want to cuddle the people you love, especially your children.

People are being so ridiculous. When my gran was growing up the thinking was that your children should know you love them but you shouldn't kiss and hug them or they'd be spoiled. My gran and all her sisters turned out totally normal. So did my mum and she was brought up a similar way.
I guess she continued this as I don't remember her ever kissing me or hugging me much. I'd get a hug when she came home and I'd sit on her lap on the bus but that was it. If I was all over her she'd explain about personal space and tell me to stop it. I still knew I was loved, was well cared for and I'm not traumatised by the lack of cuddling We have a good relationship.
I know things are different now and I don't plant to be this way with my own kids but it's completely OTT to suggest the OP is abusive or needs therapy.
Some people just don't like being touched too much.
Do you all really think that in the past, when women had 10+ children and a house to run with few labour saving devices, that all the children got cuddled and given individual attention?

OP just ignore the posters on here they love to scream everything is abuse and your child will have emotional issues and will need therapy 🙄. Your child is loved and is well cared for and gets a lot of attention from her dad and yourself you are entitled to some space. Children need to know about personal space when they are in school so she will have to learn.

You sound similar to my mother.

Five children, countless pets.

'We don't do touching'. I have not one memory of being kissed, cuddled or shown affection. Quite a few of being hit and pushed away, though. And lots of being told that people who hold babies or kiss their children are weird.

She would talk about seeing people hugging or kissing their children, never mind friends, with bemused entertainment and criticism about how strange and twisted they were. I think these days, she'd use the phrase 'inappropriate' - with all the insinuations that entails.

You might wonder why she had five children. Well, she liked babies. Apparently because they go to sleep and you can put them in a cot. I think she saw the conception as being a necessary evil to achieve her little toy for a year/the point at which (as she said) they started answering back and wanting stuff off you - and the inconvenience of children being the price she had to pay to get her toy. For me, the animals were my source of touch. Probably why she got them, so she wasn't bothered by me wanting such weird things as a hug.

Every single one of her children was emotionally fucked up by her refusal to touch other than when hitting them. For me, it took until I was 16 to find somebody who wanted to touch me - had there been somebody who wanted to do that earlier, I would have willingly let them do anything to me in exchange for that physical sensation.

Your child is wanting your touch more precisely because she craves it. Because you deprive her of it. Because you are physically, and for her, emotionally, unavailable. And it sounds as though her father is trying to compensate for your coldness, but he can't. Because she wants it from you as well.

My mother was also convinced that she was a great mother. A natural at it, apparently.

So despite the PPs saying you are normal and it won't affect your children at all because hey, there's somebody else there to compensate for what you refuse to give them, I disagree. It is neglectful. It is abusive. And it will have longlasting effects upon your children.