I hate affection, is this weird as a mum

[Uedea]

Does anyone else have issues with dealing with emotions n affection. I get so frustrated when my husband or daughter are overly affectionate with me. This has defo heightened going into my 8th month of 2nd pregnancy. Ive always been awkard like that but recently i cant stand it and just feel angry about it. I feel like it kinda comes from my childhood but i dont know how to deal with it because my husband is constantly begging for it, and my 2.5 yr old is just like him in that way. Like i cant understand why its hard to understand i like my own space lol? Am i crazy

Well said #LagunaBubbles

Laguna Im honestly happy for you i was a cleaner before i went on mat leave

@CSIblonde

You sound like my Mum. She was a bundle of simmering, wound up anger re her childhood. She was adopted & never bonded with her adoptive mother. Their relationship was very toxic & competitive. The sad thing is I was never given any affection & it was a vicious circle.

The more I tried the more she backed off. I now have terrible trust issues & self esteem issues, tho I'm very affectionate. Please try to address it, with Counselling, as the effect of no affection is incalculable.

I did child development & child psychology as part of my teaching degree so I know just how much it will affect your children. Children whose emotional & physical needs for affection are ignored can end up with a myriad of issues around trust, love, mental health, relationships, self esteem etc.

As I say to friends, if the one person who is supposed to love you unconditionally doesn't, you feel you must be the most vile, terrible, unlovable being in the world. That's an awful burden for a child to carry.

Excellent post! ^

@Uedea Listen to the poster I quoted, and the others dishing out excellent advice and common sense. You may not like to hear the truth, but telling people 'LOL SHUT UP!' is not cool. Don't post on here if you only want people to post who say the things you want to hear!

Teacher here and I agree with Summercat.

Thanks @mrsmuddlepies

You guys are too much. Im not neglecting my child because i dont love affection. I find it weird when my friends want to hug when we meet and then say good bye even if i just saw them last week. I probably need locking up huh? Its not a hatred to my daughter

75% unresonable, fantastic, what all your advice then since i said i do give affection?

Don't make any decisions based on how you feel at 8 months pregnant. I'm the mildest and easiest going normally, but I remember trying to throw a vacuum cleaner across the room in anger at that stage. If you are still feeling like this a few months down the line, counselling might be a good shout.

In the meantime, I suggest you book into a hotel for a night or two and get some serious alone time while you still can. Not joking.

Please explain more clearly what you mean. It just sounds like you don’t like affection from anyone. I appreciate that you adore your partner and child but it seems that you would rather that they kept their physical distance even though you love them dearly. You don’t like physical contact with friends either.
Do you think that you might have sensory issues?
Maybe Asperger’s?

No-one has said its a hatred towards your daughter have they? And I didn't say you were neglecting her either. I said lack of affection on childhood can cause emotional damage.

Not sure why you felt the need to post Laguna Im honestly happy for you i was a cleaner before i went on mat leave other than to be sarcastic really, since I don't need you to be happy for me. If you don't want to listen that's fine. No skin off my nose. At least I can help people in real life that have issues, that's enough for me.

Im blessed that i dont have sensory issues. Its not a disorder that i have. Some people love to share their whole lives, some people are private. Others have very needy personalities, and then again there are poeple who just get on with thier own problems. And in this case i am not an overly affectionate person where obviously most of you are. I feel like its not that complicated but maybe if youre not that way inclined you cant fathom the concept of needing space, just like a cant fathom the concept of constant showing n recieving of too much affection. With my friends or fam if i havnt seen you in a while i would be the first to pounce, but why everytime we meet lol
I really should sleep, so i have enough energy to shower my sweet daughter with affection untill she gets annoyed at me, like she does with her dad. Though im sure she will love him for it later on

Amberleighmouse, getting away is a good idea, but the fear of going into early labour is keeping me from travelling anywhere further than 10 mins. i think the heightened frustration is down to prgnancy horomones for sure

You're not alone, I hate it too, I hate hugs, I hate being touched, but I know exactly where it comes from and that was my very lonely miserable and abused childhood. When I was 17 an adult gave me a hug, I cried, she couldn't understand why, it was the first time in my life I had ever been given a hug.

Years later I went on to have my own children I made sure they were loved, they had hugs, got to sit on my lap to read books, were tucked up in bed every night, thankfully they haven't grown up to be like me.

My children have grown up, moved out I'm now a nana giving my GD hugs, it gets easier but I love love love living alone and the best thing I ever did was get a dog lol

OP you don't need to go more than 10 mins away. Send your partner and child if need be, and you stay home. He'd be contactable day and night. Or -less good - camp out in your bedroom while your partner takes sole charge of the toddler for a few hours & overnight. The point is, give yourself a good breathing space. Then you'll be much better able to cope with your toddler needing to cuddle more than once a day.

Dimplestoad foot , Im sorry to hear that. Most of who we are stems for our childhood for sure. My daughter gets 2 books EVERY night i tuck her in and sometimes kiss her good night. she knows i love her. I love that you love living alone. I hope when im a gradma i do! If not, ill be getting pets for sure

I guess im just super misunderstood on here lol. Thats why plain text is the worst. Its not that even struggle to give her a hug more than once a day. I dont even know. I think a week of my husband being off work and me just not getting a minute to breathe without being constantly needed is got to me
My regret my op aahhhhhhhhh. I just needed to vent

As long as my daughter senses im in the house im not getting a break hahaha

Child protection will pick up on this eventually. This is abusive.

For sure

Sometimes kiss her goodnight? Even if you are not affectionate surely you can bring yourself to kiss her last thing at night, every night, not just sometimes. Oh and don’t get a dog you have no idea how needy and craving of affection and attention they can be, it will drive you insane.

You sometimes kiss her good night? A toddler? Please for the sake of your daughter ramp up the spontaneous affection you show her. A hug when she finishes her dinner, stroking her face when she's upset. It's really important for her development and a huge part of how she knows she's loved. You clearly love your daughter but the most important thing is not that you know this but that you show it so that she knows it.

All young children have touch and affection as a key love language- it doesn't matter if you're showing her love in other ways, without adding affection she will not understand she is loved by you. And that's so sad- both for you and her as you're clearly a good mother.

And you say your husband is too much with his affection. He's probably trying to overcompensate for your physical coldness towards your daughter. Much better to give a young child too much affection than too little.

Oh just to add. I get it. I used to be worse than you...I would never hug anyone or hold hands with my husband etc. But when I had children I knew this had to change- I had read the love languages child edition and had read enough research about the impact of the lack of affection on young children to know that ensuring my child's emotional development and security was more important than my discomfort. And guess what, the biggest surprise was now I really enjoy giving and receiving affection with my children. And it's helped me be a more affectionate and tactile person generally with friends, family and my husband.

Worth reading this article for an intro to the children's love languages book: www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/advice/love-languages-of-children/ Your daughter definitely appears to have affection as a love language so it's all the more important to meet those needs for her. The article gives good examples of how you can show affection to her.

Your husband sounds like he doesn't respect your boundaries, and that's a problem, but I still don't know what you mean by 'overly affectionate' with your daughter. Do you kiss her daily? Hug? Cuddle her? Touch her hands and face? She needs that kind of connection from you. Are you unable to give that?

I think it depends to be honest. My mother isn't very physically affectionate but she is affectionate in other ways.

Like she let me sleep in her bed until I was way too old. When I have an issue with something she'll help me problem solve until it's fixed. Whenever she does a shop she always does a mini top up for me. When I was moving out she ferried my furniture trip by trip in her car because the moving van was too expensive (and then again when I moved back home.)

Things like that.

I haven't felt hard done by personally, she just prefers acts of service Vs constant physical touch (except when she is goading me into play fighting so she can practise her self defense skills.)