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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be resentful about the dog

132 replies

Mamawingingit1234 · 13/03/2020 21:53

Please don’t rip me to shreds for this.

We got our dog when I was pregnant and decided to be a SAHM.

My asthma which has been manageable my whole adult life has slowly deteriorated over the last few years to the point I’m on a preventer inhaler morning and night. Reliever inhaler still during the day - noticeably more when in the house all day. My eyes have been regularly red and itchy and at time painfully swollen. My asthma nurse thinks I’m allergic, the doctor thinks I’m allergic but my DH doesn’t.

I’m also so fed up of the dog hair EVERYWHERE. I hoover several times a day. And the drool! When pregnant with second I slipped pretty badly on his drool and had to get checked. Now he’s not allowed in any room when there is food because it’s uncontrollable.
DH loves the dog. The kids love the dog. I’m starting to resent the dog. I do 90% of the walking, grooming and cleaning. DHs work involves travel and I didn’t think how difficult it would be going out for walks. We live in the country side, no paved paths. All national speed limit roads and mud tracks. It takes longer to get the kids ready for a walk than they can walk. Can’t get a buggy down the mud track and don’t feel safe to walk on the road with the kids.

DH and I have had several “talks” about the dog and I’m always made to feel like a terrible person for thinking about rehoming him mainly to PIL who LOVE the dog.

Am I a terrible person for feeling resentful? I feel like the dog is more of a priority than me.

But on the other hand I do feel like a shit person for feeling this way.

OP posts:

adaline · 14/03/2020 10:10

He has a good life.

I don't think anyone is disputing his quality of life - but what is yours like? I certainly couldn't cope with my dog in his puppy/teenage years alongside two small children of my own, let alone with the addition of being pregnant and having a husband who works away.

DH and I have no children and I have a job where I can take the dog along with me but he's still a lot of work and very tying. A shared care arrangement with PIL could work - it's no different to sending the dog to doggy daycare. Our in-laws take ours for the day sometimes and he absolutely loves it. They wouldn't have him full-time (too much work) but for a day here or there it's great. He gets a good walk with FIL, taken to the beach when he goes fishing and my MIL makes him toast

Could you maybe discuss them having him 2-3 days during the week so you get some time out? Then when DH is home, he has to do all dog care - feeding, walking, brushing, cleaning up afterwards, vacuuming and everything else that comes along with dog care. That would mean you only have constant care a couple of days a week which might ease the burden slightly?

adaline · 14/03/2020 10:12

Why shouldn't she have another pet? The timing is wrong for this particular pet. Not to say in 10 years she wouldn't be able to cope with one.

Because she has asthma and living in a home with pets you are allergic to is really not a good idea? I have two cats and a dog and my mum is athematic. Before she comes I vacuum everything (carpets and sofa), all the soft furnishings and blankets are washed as are all the floors. She still can only stay an hour or so at a time before her allergies flair up and she starts to sneeze and cough. It's impossible to keep a home free of pet hair when you have pets.

ChickLitLover · 14/03/2020 10:50

Neither are children but thousands cope perfectly well with shared care arrangements, as do many dogs. My sister and her exh share 'custody' of ddogs, it works out perfectly well for all. There's little difference between that and sending a do it doggy day care for example of to kennels for a holiday in fact it's far better as dog will still be with known family

Dogs cope in kennels and doggy day care but many are very stressed out and others are not entirely happy. Owners tell themselves their dogs are happy in kennels or doggy day care to make themselves feel better. They’re looked after, they get their needs met but it doesn’t mean they’re happy.

As for OPs case being better cos PIL are family, she’s now said she doesn’t know if PIL would take the dog. We can all see where this is going.

I’ve had animals that are messed up and have stress due to having previous owners like this. They are products of crap owners who have classed them as disposable, certainly not part of the family. Situations like this and everyone justifying giving a dog away really piss me off and make me angry. Poor dog, let’s hope this dog is a bit luckier with its next owners.

GertrudeCB · 14/03/2020 10:56

Your dh is being a tit.
We have a lab, we love him to bits BUT he is a massive responsibility, needs 2 hour long walks oer day, the hair is HORRENDOUS and he is just so .......large.
We are a 2 adult, kids flown the nest household, 3 youngsters , allergies & nowhere safe to walk ? No way.

motherheroic · 14/03/2020 11:29

@ChickLitLover Yeah you're right, every single dog hates doggy day care 🙄

ChickLitLover · 14/03/2020 13:16

Yeah you're right, every single dog hates doggy day care

I think you have problems with comprehension as that’s not what I said. Maybe try reading it again. 🙄

HavelockVetinari · 14/03/2020 13:27

What @ChateauMargaux said. Your DH is a prick, you're allergic to the dog, please rehome him.

Brefugee · 14/03/2020 13:52

a pet is supposed to enhance your life - get rid.

Original poster

Mamawingingit1234 · 14/03/2020 13:57

@ChickLitLover you are picking but of what I’ve said not the whole story. I never said the PIL have agreed to have him permanently. I said I would like for them to take him as he loves them and them him and visits often so its a familiar environment.
You don’t know where this is going, what a presumptuous thing to say! If he wasn’t loved this would be a no brainer and I’d have rehomed him ages ago without a second thought. He’s walked 2/3 times a day. We go to great lengths to manage his hip dysplasia. He has a lot of love. However I don’t think I’m unreasonable to feel fed up of his needs being met over mine.

OP posts:

LolaSmiles · 14/03/2020 14:14

My sister and her exh share 'custody' of ddogs, it works out perfectly well for all.
There's little difference between that and sending a do it doggy day care for example of to kennels for a holiday in fact it's far better as dog will still be with known family
There is a difference because the dog is sharing their time consistently between the two owners who they have developed a bond with. The consistency matters.

If OP's dog goes to PIL permanently and their family visits and spend some then that's a good arrangement.

If the OP's dog goes to the PIL but is then shuttled back and forth sporadically whenever OP's family are able to (or can be bothered to) walk it and care for it then that's stressful for the dog.

When someone gets a dog, they are making a commitment to be responsible for the animals well-being. Labradors are intelligent, loyal, and need lots of stimulation and affection.

Whilst owning a pet shouldn't be to the detriment to the physical or mental health of the owner, the wants of a part-time flaky dog owning family should not come before the needs of the dog to have stability.

motherheroic · 14/03/2020 14:26

Owners tell themselves their dogs are happy in kennels or doggy day care to make themselves feel better. They’re looked after, they get their needs met but it doesn’t mean they’re happy.

@ChickLitLover You literally just said that dogs don't enjoy it, it's just something their owners say to make themselves feel better. It's right there.

Darbs76 · 14/03/2020 14:32

I love my dog so much that I can’t imagine any situation where I’d rehome him, it would have to be over my dead body. The saying is a dog is for life and it pee’s me off no end how so many end up in rescues or passed from home to home. People need to consider the long term commitment and cost before getting a pet.

Darbs76 · 14/03/2020 14:33

And my dog adores doggy daycare when I’m working, I can see from the millions of photos of him chasing other dogs on long walks in the country, what’s not to like? He goes crazy when she arrives, and happy to be home. Best of both worlds

Celerysam · 14/03/2020 14:39

Invest in the dog you decided to have. You got him, he deserves a good life. People have such a throw away culture. Besides it's good for the children to be outside in fresh air walking. It gives a terrible message to them that you give up on a living breathing creature. You are having a 3rd child so you must feel you are coping ok as you are?

ChickLitLover · 14/03/2020 14:41

However I don’t think I’m unreasonable to feel fed up of his needs being met over mine.

Well, there you go. What he needs is to stay with a family forever. It’s a shame you didn’t think of everyone’s needs before you got him. My opinion is that you should only get animals after careful consideration. My nephew has asthma, suffered as a child but better as a teen. His parents considered getting a dog but realised it may be a problem so arranged for him to spend time with various family and friends who had dogs to see if it made his asthma worse. It did and so they didn’t get a dog. Thank god they didn’t just put their ‘wants’ and ‘needs’ first without checking first. You wanted a dog and instead of making sure it would be ok with your asthma, you just went ahead and got one. Now this poor dog, through no fault of its own, may be got rid of because yet again your wants and needs come first.

ChickLitLover · 14/03/2020 14:47

You literally just said that dogs don't enjoy it, it's just something their owners say to make themselves feel better. It's right there.

I also said just before the bit you quoted:

At no point did I say that no dog is ever happy in daycare. Just that many are very stressed out and others are not entirely happy.

Fieldofgreycorn · 14/03/2020 15:04

Yy but what about your health op?

Fieldofgreycorn · 14/03/2020 15:05

We get the message the dog is well looked after. What about your wellbeing?

Durgasarrow · 14/03/2020 15:06

Your doctor "thinks" you have bad asthma but your husband doesn't "think" you do?
No.
Your doctor has diagnosed you with a serious illness and your husband is ignoring the facts.
You are living in an environment which is making you dangerously sick.
You deserve to be healthy and safe IN YOUR OWN HOME.

Windyatthebeach · 14/03/2020 15:11

Take your dh to the GP with you.
As an asthma sufferer (and dh +ds), we also have dogs but aren't affected by our ddogs. If my dh was putting his love for ddogs above my health he +ddogs would be moving out...

LittleRootie · 14/03/2020 15:27

You don't deserve to be 'ripped to shreds' but I think a very hard stare is in order

People really do need to think much harder before they get a dog, not just have a daydream about how cute it will be to have a dog and a baby and it's all just like in the adverts.

I didn't get a dog til dc were old enough to help look after him, he's a great part of the family. If there had been an issue, such as allergies or the dog not getting enough exercise and attention, I would definitely have looked to rehome no matter what anyone else said.

If all the work is falling on you, you have the last word on this, not your DH

PurpleCrazyHorse · 14/03/2020 16:41

There's lots of valid comments above about what should have happened before you got the dog. Sadly you're in the situation you're in which is (sorry to say) of your and DH's making.

However, your asthma is getting worse and it really is a serious illness that people die from. It needs to be taken seriously by your DH and I therefore think you should rehome your dog based on your deteriorating health alone.

If you have plenty of spare cash, then a cleaner several times a week (to clean the worst affected dog areas) and a twice daily dog walker might improve things? Is a hose down area for the dog outside feasible?

fascinated · 14/03/2020 16:50

I think you should get rid of the dog because you matter more than the dog.

fascinated · 14/03/2020 16:52

Oh for god’s sake, OP is hardly an animal abuser. Things change, people’s needs and circumstances change, people need to react to that. The attitude to dogs in society is becoming ludicrous.

pigsDOfly · 14/03/2020 18:35

At no point has the OP said she's going to dump the dog, or discard it. But the dog is affecting her health and causing what is potentially a life threatening condition to worsen.

People's circumstances change, she's struggling to look after the dog and is getting no help from her husband.

At what point, in the OP's circumstances, would all these people who are implying that the dog's interests should override the OP's health, think it acceptable to rehome a dog?

Utterly ridiculous the way some posters are reacting. Anyone would think she's contemplating shutting the dog in the garden shed for the next six months.

The dog is being well looked after, all its needs are being met but the OP is finding it nearly impossible to continue due to changed circumstances.

She doesn't feel good about it but sometimes life takes over and we just have to accept that we have to change things.

I adore my dog but if my health went and I could no longer walk her or give her the life she needs and deserves I know I would have to consider rehoming her; it would break my heart, and I know it wouldn't be what she would want, but I know it would be the best thing for her in the long run.

Obviously, some posters on here live lives totally untroubled by the sort of things most of us have to contend with.

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