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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband obsessed with being social media influenced

146 replies

Samantha23765 · 13/03/2020 10:18

What do I do?

I am the main breadwinner. I have a 8 week old baby and worked my arse of last year so that I could take 9 months off with baby and not rush back (like I did with our first child). Plan was hubby would be able to pick up much more work whilst I looked after both children so that I can have this extended time off work.

However, he has not made any effort to find more work (he is a personal trainer and has about 5 hours work A WEEK!) Instead he is obsessed with becoming a social influencer. This involves looking at videos and pictures and buying video equipment and talking about it all the time. He has barely posted anything yet.

I am soooo disappointed, hurt, frustrated. I don't know what to do or say. I'm just fed up with him being in the house all the time looking at Tiktok and YouTube. I just want him to go to work and provide for us. He is upset with me for not sharing his enthusiasm and supporting him. I don't know what to do. I haven't said much to him because I want him to be happy, and I don't want to rock the boat (our relationship isn't great at the moment).

Any advise would be greatly received.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 13/03/2020 18:53

Round of applause he does some diy-so does everyone else

does he realise theres thousands trying to be an influncer and only a handful make a living out of it-hes delusional

Bluntness100 · 13/03/2020 19:04

You’re both playing games, he doesn’t wish to work, he wants you to pay for him to have a leisurely life. He doesn’t want to tell you this so is pretending he’s doing something about it . You know that’s what he wants, and are pretending it’s not, and that he’s not just coming up with bullshit reasons not to work, while you continue to keep him.

Either keep playing the pretend game, it’s not going to change or be honest with each other.

Bluntness100 · 13/03/2020 19:06

He doesn’t want to be an influencer. It’s too much like hard work. He’s just pretending, that’s why he’s not posted anything yet.

CuppaZa · 13/03/2020 19:08

Is he a fucking teenager? He needs to grow up and help provide for his family

crispysausagerolls · 13/03/2020 19:33

He is taking 8week old to nursery rather than looking after her himself?! He’s not fucking working what a waste of money and totally mental

NurseButtercup · 13/03/2020 20:14

It takes years to make decent £££ on social media, show him this:

PapayaCoconut · 13/03/2020 20:32

"Influencer" is not a job you can get, it's just something that glamorous, usually very wealthy people with extremely good looks can make more money from. FFS.

Thebeachismyhappyplace · 14/03/2020 06:53

Hi OP, I run a small marketing agency and solopreneurs seeking to be influencers is a bit of a trend. But... sadly... it's the wrong way round. You need the fans before you can build relationships and influence them - and finding brands to work with won't put money in your bank until you have thousands of followers. I worry for new businesses that it puts stars in front of eyes and is shifting the emphasis away from all that a business has to do to be viable/profitable:

A good product or service that people want or need
Research and understanding of target audience and how they behave
Means of being found
Actual customers buying from you
Reviews to help other customers
Business systems, admin, etc
Content to keep customers engaged with you and to help new customers find you

PR comes before marketing, marketing includes all the different places you can be discovered eg web, social, local press, seo, local seo, email, back links, listings. And if all this sounds like jargon to him he should have paid someone to do it for him while he did his actual dream job... and found some flippin' clients 😁

And you need to have the content before you can influence. Video yes, but blogs, memes, interviews, images.... all styled carefully around your brand guidelines... Marketing on social media is hard.... and it rarely accounts for a large chunk of website traffic... and yet it can take so much time and effort. And lull businesses into false security that they are working hard, being productive and building a business.

There are a ton of resources out there for him

origympersonaltrainercourses.co.uk/blog/personal-trainer-marketing-strategies

www.totalcoaching.com/blog/21-tips-for-promoting-your-personal-training-business/

www.ptacademy.edu.au/marketing-ideas-for-personal-trainers/

And he could find Adam Drew PT on Facebook, or look for someone local to him who has very obviously invested in a FB academy style of marketing programme and ramped up posting volume and style. I hope he is getting back some of the ££££ he invested as daily content like this takes a lot of effort,

Best of luck OP sounds like you need to shatter his dreams... and tell him influencing is not as fun as it sounds and he needs to understand the rules about sponsorship, gifting etc or he will piss a bunch of people off...

Tellmetruth4 · 14/03/2020 07:32

Sorry he just sounds lazy. SM is hard work. The top people are working constantly. He doesn’t have the drive for it.

Stop avoiding rocking the boat. You need to sink this shit Titanic style with his workshy arse expecting you and your young kids to freeze because he wants money to pretend to be an influencer.

Riojasmoothy · 14/03/2020 07:39

You don't say much because you want him to be happy? Where is his concern for your happiness?
He sounds like a self-absorbed teenager.
As for putting a child in nursery so he can browse the internet?
There would definitely be an ultimatum from me - work or leave.

Mummadeeze · 14/03/2020 07:43

My partner is similar. We have been together 15 years. In that time he has taken hundreds of courses and spent hours trying to carve out various careers. Eg he wanted to be a sound engineer (got the qualifications but never tried to get work), a videographer (done loads of free videos for people but no paid work), a DJ (this actually came to something but as soon as he got regular work he decided he would rather do something else), a stuntman (took fencing lessons but obviously nothing came of it), a PowerPoint presentation expert (spent hours making a PowerPoint portfolio but never got any paid work), a graphic designer (made original prints but never sold any), a music producer (has made hours and hours of music but releases it all on the web for free), an architectural plan designer (did a course). I could actually go on but have lost track of some of the ideas. At first I was supportive as I have an interesting and fulfilling career and wanted him to have the same but I have really lost patience over the years and lost respect in him as I have supported our family with little help for years and years. He isn’t lazy because he spends hours trying to become something but I think he enjoys the learning process but not the actual jobs themselves. I sympathise and hope your situation improves. I know my partner thinks I am unsupportive but he is a total narcissist because clearly I have been ridiculously supportive by sticking with him for so long despite how disappointing he has been as a partner!

Double3xposure · 14/03/2020 10:12

@Mummadeeze

That’s awful! Why are you still with him ?

TheDogsMother · 14/03/2020 10:16

@Mummadeeze I had one of those. Not any more !

Mummadeeze · 14/03/2020 10:19

A fair question. And a bit too complicated to explain here, I don’t want to derail the thread. There are multiple other issues involved including our DD. I will separate though for sure at the right time. It is my long term plan.

contrary13 · 14/03/2020 10:21

A girl my daughter (24) was at school with, is an influencer - and has been since she was 17 or 18. She's pretty (so photogenic), and starves herself to maintain the "look" which people want to see online (ie, slim). She gets a lot of free clothes, sure - and I think she's been on free holidays to places where she can pose on the beach in a bikini... but she's not happy. I don't think many of the influencers are, actually, because having to post at least once a day to maintain your "following" must be exhausting. It's probably like taking exams, every single day of your life... constant stress ("do I look good in this?!", "will people like my post and start to follow me?!") and misery, usually for precious little reward (just more exams the next day).

One thing they do tend to be, though, OP, is young, ie, under 25 when they start. And a good 95% of their audience are probably younger than they are. So you might need to point that out to your husband. It won't bring him happiness and riches untold, I'm afraid - just a bucketload of stress, loss of a happy family life, debt, and probably, MH issues.

My daughter's friend barely sees her family, and has admitted to her old friends, who're starting to settle down and have babies, that she's terrified of getting pregnant because "it'd destroy my look and I'll lose followers". How is that a healthy way to live life and influence others into doing likewise? Every time my daughter shows me an instagram post of hers, all I see, behind her mask of make-up, is an unhappy young woman. There's no sincerity to her smiles, and whilst she might have an enviable life and "look"... she's unable to close the door after work and say "no more until tomorrow morning", because she constantly has to think up new ideas, new ways to photograph herself in stunning locations and barely there bikinis. What happens to her when her followers move onto someone else, as she ages? She's never worked, because influencing is her full-time occupation. I don't actually think (although I might be wrong) that she has any qualifications above GCSE level, so would only be able to find low-paying employment. Sure, influencing seems great... but everything must come to a natural end - and then what?

(Disclaimer, I have an IG account, which my son set up as a joke - my posts are all about my very photogenic dog, and old knobbly trees that I find on our walks. The occasional cat creeps in, from time to time, but usually only when they're zoned out on catnip. I have 15 followers. Most of those are teenagers trying to build their own following up so that they can say "I'm popular, I have X amount of followers on IG!". I follow one person. My teenage son. And that's only because it irritates him...)

PerkyPomPoms · 14/03/2020 10:21

This man needs to step up - can’t he go work for a gym and earn a proper wage?

SilverySurfer · 14/03/2020 11:40

I think the whole social media influencing thing is pretty infantile, and he sounds pathetic and lazy. Tell him to grow the fuck up and kick his backside out the door to find a job.

makingmammaries · 14/03/2020 18:23

Did he ever have a proper job, OP? What made you choose this man?

OnUp · 14/03/2020 20:18

@calllaaalllaaammma
Same here, exactly similar to your post.
except mine was an 'entrepreneur' with expensive tastes....yet he made fk all money. Lots of ideas but wasnt able to execute any by himself.
I was his human support (absolute mug) which he refused to see the value of until we split. I dont miss him. Which I'd ended it earlier. Cant believe he didnt understand the reason he could act out his dream job fantasty was because i was the bread winner, he could have free time to network because he wasnt worryibg about bills and when he waa out i was doing all the childcare. He just took took took.
Jokes on him, he sleeps on his cousins sofa for the past two years and still makes no money. He just cant be self sufficient. He's approaching 40 and has never had to earn enough to ever even pay rent.

@Samantha23765
Refer him to Dragon's den, most of them work full time while trying to establish their businesses.

TorkTorkBam · 14/03/2020 20:31

Good PTs are usually all about "no excuses".

Take control of the money. If he's pushy on the heating you can sure as hell be pushy about income. He can work in a gym for an hourly wage while he's building up his social media influence can't he?

Shoxfordian · 14/03/2020 21:33

He's a waste of space
Divorce him

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