Husband obsessed with being social media influenced

[Samantha23765]

What do I do?

I am the main breadwinner. I have a 8 week old baby and worked my arse of last year so that I could take 9 months off with baby and not rush back (like I did with our first child). Plan was hubby would be able to pick up much more work whilst I looked after both children so that I can have this extended time off work.

However, he has not made any effort to find more work (he is a personal trainer and has about 5 hours work A WEEK!) Instead he is obsessed with becoming a social influencer. This involves looking at videos and pictures and buying video equipment and talking about it all the time. He has barely posted anything yet.

I am soooo disappointed, hurt, frustrated. I don't know what to do or say. I'm just fed up with him being in the house all the time looking at Tiktok and YouTube. I just want him to go to work and provide for us. He is upset with me for not sharing his enthusiasm and supporting him. I don't know what to do. I haven't said much to him because I want him to be happy, and I don't want to rock the boat (our relationship isn't great at the moment).

Any advise would be greatly received.

Oh god how embarrassing. How have you not told him to get a fucking grip (and some more clients!)

What a deluded knob. The only thing you can do if if he doesn't want to work is go back to work earlier and let him be a SAHD. At least he will be pulling his weight then.

As others have said if he was doing social media as a way to earn money and provide for his family he would be working on the side while he tried to do it. He obviously isn't motivated by wanting to provide he is doing it for the adoration and because he is lazy and sees this as easy.

At some stage you need to accept that you’ve harried a selfish prat.

Tell him he's going to get fat from all the sitting about and planning and then no one will want to see him on video or as a personal trainer.

Please do what LightDrizzle recommended:

"Start an Instagram account called Sam@lifeasthewifeofawouldbeinfluencer
Post about your life with two small children and an absent husband including the grind and mundanity, also post about his latest activity 'DH - 6 hrs on Tiktok and bought a new tripod!'
I bet you get more followers."

We'd all follow you and like your posts

And really, who is going to influenced but some one so demotivated?
Sorry OP that you having to put up with such a rubbish situation.

Why would you even think of bringing a second child into this situation. Hes unlikely to change. He sounds like a total waste and you should have been well aware of this as it was probably happening all along.

I have a friend who is an influencer, she’s been doing it for 5+ years and has a good following and is known locally for it. It helps that she is very photogenic as are her kids so they’ve been models for some fashion chains. She gets a bit of free stuff but she doesn’t actually get much in cash, she mostly does it because she enjoys it and she’s got an outgoing personality.

Quite frankly unless your DH looks like a young Brad Pitt and is extremely outgoing and people warm to him instantly he’s probably not going to standout and will be forever frustrated.

Tell him to get a job that brings some cash in and he can keep it up as a hobby.

Lightdrizzle has it. Create your own social media accounts taking the piss out of him.

Also, if he won't get a proper job, leave. It's not your job to subside his (deluded) pipe dreams.

I have just been complaining about my DH but he works night and day to provide for us. I feel a bit guilty now.

No I'm sorry this can't go on.
My ex did this - not the social influencing - but thinking he could just work or not work whenever he wanted and having no idea what being a responsible husband and father means.
In the end I lost ALL respect for him and that was that. I wish it hadn't taken 20 years.
Dump this fool so you can still have a good life. He isn't worth shit if this is what he thinks of his wife and children.
You only do what you want when you have nobody else to care for not when you are married with two children.
Show him this thread and let him know we all think he is a dick.
He has totally unrealistic expectations, there are millions of other people trying to do this and only the very best achieve it. And usually only for a few years.

My friends husband has done this for the entirety of their marriage, and through both her pregnancies. He runs his own "business" and paid himself the grand wage last year, after expenses, of £400 to the family home etc. I don't know why some men think they can be entitled to do whatever they like, with potential to massively affect the family unit?

Advice? Accept that he is a lazy, deluded fantasist who will never change. Then it's your choice - get rid or accept that you will be carrying his worthless, non-productive arse for the rest of your life

This this this!!

Tell him to watch Gary Vee. He is very clear about doing a job to pay the bills until it takes off. He is very persuasive and compelling.

My ex was like that only he wanted to be a musician & songwriter. It ended up with me working and him at home with the children. He never took any responsibility for our finances & I did most of the housework etc etc.
It ended badly, we split up when my son was 10, I wish I'd left earlier as I felt like I was looking after a stroppy teenager in the end,.

It sounds like you'll end up supporting this guy. There is no thought of your sacrifices for the family by working hard or the stresses of bearing two children- some men do just see women as 'support humans' to be used by them.

Thanks so much for everyone's comments. It's actually really upset me because I feel like such a mug.

Since we met 11 years ago we've had a joint account. We share all money and I never even look at the account I just leave all that to him.

He also sees everything I spend money on and often comments on it. Our house is freezing because he doesn't like the central heating on because it's so expensive. He is quite controlling really but not to the point where it's really bad.

To be fair he does help in the house a lot. He does most of the washing and takes our daughter to nursery every morning and gets her ready. He also does DIY projects in the house.

I think he has been feeling quite down about himself over the past couple of years. Which is why I try not to challenge him when he comes up with ideas.

What was the plan for him to contribute to his family’s expenses once you knew you were pregnant? How much had he been contributing up to then.

If the answer is “about five hours a week being a personal trainer. I supplied all the rest of the money” you need to get shot of this infantile tosser asap.

Good god, what a knob end. Sorry op that’s not very helpful.
It sounds as if your dh is not so much the influencer, but more the influenced.

Lady, you need to open a new bank account in your sole name asap. “He’s quite controlling”. This is pretty likely to get worse. They invariably bloody-well do. How dare he keep your home cold while he spends family money on his fucking hobby which will never bring a single penny into your home!

I’m really quite angry on your behalf. Please, protect yourself and your babies

This is probably so common and so sad. I know a few social media influencers A very famous ones too (because of where I live) and they have one thing in common: they were wealthy before they started.

They didn’t have to work to support themselves. They could afford all the house stuff and clothes that were “aspirational”.

It’s a job for privileged people.

Depressingly, it never appears that way when you watch them on your phone.

If he wants to do it, he’ll have to make it a sideline while he works full time. But is your life “aspirational” enough to make people tune in anyway? If you don’t have all the stuff and gear (marble countertops, amazing clothes), people won’t be interested.

Depressing, I know.

He needs to live in the real world rather than dreaming about being sm famous.

Personally I’d kick his arse out and find someone who didn’t make me cringe.

How do family/friends react to his life goals?

The plan was for him to get more personal training business. I didn't realise how little he was working until I went to apply for my daughters childcare last year (which we couldnt get because he was earning too little ironically!) I actually just challenged him after reading all your comments. He's had 9 months to build up his client base. His argument is that he's tried everything but it's not working and he's hoping to get more clients via social media hence this new focus. But I know him and he'll procrastinate and 'research' loads and probably nothing will come of it. I also don't think he's done anything to find more clients.

I have known what he's like for a long time, but I just pretended it's ok. Usually I'm so busy working/surviving myself that I don't want to face anything negative.

There is no reason at all why he can't work the equivalent of 3 or 4 days a week (which would bring in enough to help out) and use some of the rest of the time to focus on his hobby because that's what it is.

His hobby may one day allow him to make a job out of it but until then he needs actual work.

How many actors or musicians do you hear of who worked alongside their creative stuff until the "made it" it was only then that they could give up other work.

Personally if I was in your circumstances I'd be saying that unless we become equal partners and providers quickly then Were done.
It would be different if you had made the decision together that he was staying at home be the main childcare/household provider but it sounds like he hasn't picked up any of the slack on that side so really your like a single parent but with an extra adult to look after!

Eurgh come on OP, he's an arsehole. The co teollingbehvaiour and monitoring your finances is abusive, he is presumably just keeping his eye on the prize as regards what he clearly views as free money that he could benefit from but you are spending instead. I woul not have anyone looking at MY finances or telling me when the heating goes on in my own bloody hosus for christ's sake. Why is he lord and master of your life OP? It beggars beliefe when he is busy fancying around without a proper job.

Re: the influence thing- I'm cringing for him. He's just a lazy idiot who thinks all the gear and no idea = earning millions of pounds because he is so wonderful everyone would want to see and listen to him. I don't know how he could possibly be attractive to you whilst going on like this. Are you paying for this equipment? It's not going to happen OP and if hes serious he needs to start doing it in his own time alongside work UNTIL it pays off, like everyone else.

Lastly OP please drop these notions he is quote a good partner for 'helping' in the house. He isn't 'helping'. If he does any chores or looks after his OWN DC then he is simply doing that which he is responsible for as an adult in their own home and a parent, that is called parenting. We do not need to congratulate men for managing to do a few bits round the house. Raise your standards if you think otherwise, it's misogyny at work.

He’s had nine months to build up his client base and has achieved fuck-all. Now, he needs to do this influencer crap in his spare time WHILE HE GETS A BLOODY FULL-TIME JOB!

It sounds like you could manage pretty-well being a single parent. At least then you wouldn’t be subsidising his purchases or buying his food.

Please, I beg you, consider getting rid. He’s a lazy parasite

Don’t feel like a mug, these things creep and it’s the frog in a pot of water on a stove phenomenon.

He may feel a lot better with the structure that more client contact hours brings if he feels “a bit down about himself”.
Having a joint account but funded from monthly standing orders from your own accounts into which your earnings and any benefits go, might clarify matters for him. All household and child related costs to be funded from the joint account. Work out your monthly expenses and work backwards from that. Obviously this doesn't work so well while you are on maternity leave, but there has clearly been a historical imbalance that he’s been able to ignore.
Quite how he had the audacity to query your expenditure is beyond me.
Is he close to his parents? Do they have any idea of the situation? It really isn’t normal.