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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend is being unreasonable?

110 replies

Wannabemummy25 · 12/03/2020 21:59

Kind of a long story short, have been close friends for years and this friend was my maid of honour at my wedding, I was hers and our DHs are best friends. I have had a dog for 2 years and they have had a cat for 4 years. For the last 5 years we have lived about 5 hours drive from each other and we would take it in turns once a month for who would do the drive to visit each other. Since we have had our dog we have been able to take him with us when we go to stay with them in the hope our dog and their cat will become friends. We have since moved to live within an hour of our friends meaning we can visit much more easily. However, the friends have suddenly decided that our dog scares their cat and they can't have that so if we want to visit we can't bring our dog anymore. Don't get me wrong, I totally get this and if someone brought their pet to my house and scared my dog I would feel the same. Our dog has never our near their cat btw. He is always on a lead in their house and just so happens to bark excitedly as the cat comes downstairs to go out of her cat flap. The friends say that the cat gets so scared that she hides under the bed as soon as she smells our dog... I'm kind of thinking that this is an excuse as our dog stayed with us at theirs loads as a puppy, so I am sort of thinking that now he is much bigger they just don't want him in the house which is fine, each to their own!
However, we are now in a position where we can't visit our friends unless we put our dog in kennels. This is quite costly for the weekend and to be honest I don't want to because in the same way as our dog stresses their cat, going into kennels really stresses our dog out and I would never do it unless I really had to in an emergency! He is a pampered dog and doesn't like it!

So we have made endless suggestions about meeting up half way, going on a country walk and a pub lunch, them staying with us etc but all met with radio silence. Both of them are off work this weekend (which is a bit rare for all 4 of us to be off at the same weekend) and have invited us to stay with them. They only asked us yesterday and only my DH is going because one of us has to stay here with our dog. Am I being unreasonable to think either why couldn't they have come here or meet up halfway?!
They live next door to friends who frequently look after their cat. We on the other hand don't know anyone who could look after our dog! We just moved to this area and the only people we know are these friends who live an hour away. I feel like they're not being very considerate of our situation despite us making suggestions to meet up half way or them come to us. When both my DH and I explained that one of us would have to stay at home with the dog this weekend we were met with "oh never mind then we will see you a different time". I certainly agree with their choice about not allowing our dog at their house and that's not the part I think they're BU about, it's just they don't seem to want to compromise! Or am I being unreasonable and should just pay £60 for my dog to stay in a kennel with some strangers he doesn't know and him coming back stressed to death?!

OP posts:
pinksquash13 · 12/03/2020 22:03

I don't know. I think it's unreasonable of them not to meet you half way. I can see both sides.

PlanDeRaccordement · 12/03/2020 22:04

Send the dog to doggy day care. Or get a neighbour to take the dog for a day.
Or stop being friends.

I love my friends but would not want their dog(s) in my home. It’s unreasonable to expect to take your dog with you when you visit. You chose to get a dog and this is your responsibility.

JKScot4 · 12/03/2020 22:07

You only live an hour away? Why do you need to stay for a weekend?
Just have a day out or whatever and go home.
Is it only on MN that any distance beyond a few miles requires stops, overnight stays?
My eldest DD lives 50miles away and I’ll meet her after work for dinner then drive home.

idontlike789 · 12/03/2020 22:16

The cat is frightened and stressed by the dog , sorry but I'd be the same and as much as I love dogs It would stress my cat out so I would also say no to the dog in my house .

Igotthemheavyboobs · 12/03/2020 22:26

I would never have allowed this to begin with tbh so it was nice of her to accommodate for a while. My cats come first and I would never allow dogs here.

I would meet you half way if you were only an hour away though so Yanbu for that bit.

singtanana · 12/03/2020 22:30

Seems a shame they won’t meet half way. But if you do want to go, could you go for a few hours and have someone come in to walk your dog so they’re not alone the whole time? Cheaper than kennels.

SuburbanFraggle · 12/03/2020 22:32

Some people commute an hour each way daily. Nothing stopping you from having an afternoon together.

You seem to not believe that their cat might have tolerated a puppy but will not deal with a grown dog. Your dog is not welcome at their house. Deal with it.

If they are your friends you need to communicate honestly. "We are all free this weekend, are you up to a few hours together?"

Maybe they can't afford the petrol to come to you. Maybe they can't afford pub meals and outings. Maybe they feel like by hosting they are doing their bit and that's what they can afford.

Cherrysoup · 12/03/2020 22:35

I’d never allow friends to bring a dog if I had cats. It’s far too high an expectation. If the cat is stressed, why on earth would you take the dog, particularly when you only live an hour away? I just don’t understand.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 12/03/2020 22:35

I hate posting negatively, I've been trying not to in general but think you are being extremely unreasonable and rather entitled here.

It's not normal to expect to take your dog with you everywhere socially unless its an assistance dog and your friends are very clearly signalling enough is enough, and are content to not see you if you can't do as other dog owners do and have time away from your pet. It doesn't seem like a healthy approach

Very sorry if this seems harsh, Thanksbut I would have declined from the beginning and its obvious they regret not doing so.

Stompythedinosaur · 12/03/2020 22:37

One of you often needing to stay behind with the dog is one of the sacrifices you make when you become a dog owner, I'm afraid. I've done this many times.

Maybe try Borrow My Doggy or look for a reliable pet sitter?

It isn't really fair for them not to split the travel, but as they aren't you have to decide whether it's worth the palavar of going up there or not.

MiddleClassProblem · 12/03/2020 22:39

Firstly, why kennels and not a dog sitter, home boarding or house sitter? Check with your local fb group for recommendations.

Secondly, an hour away, why does anyone have to stay?

A weekend with a couple once a month sounds like a lot anyway.

They are BU for not meeting halfway but maybe they both want to drink?

Seems odd so last minute too especially with them knowing you’d need dog care.

Verfremdungseffekt · 12/03/2020 22:40

What @PlanDeRaccordement said.

Ruby8719 · 12/03/2020 22:42

@Wannabemummy25 FYI the cat doesn’t know that the dog is only barking cause it’s excited the cat had come through the catflap. You know that - the cat doesn’t.

Cats are very territorial and their behaviours can change with age so it’s not unreasonable for them to suggest your dog scares their cat.

urinetroubleagain · 12/03/2020 22:44

Sounds like the humored the dog when you had a long distance friendship.
But you live so much closer now, therefore they feel like match making between dog and cat has had its day.
If a poster says my friend keeps bringing her dog even though it scares my cat, people would pile in with suggestions of just say no. If you want your friendship to survive find alternative arrangements for the dog.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 12/03/2020 22:46

I don't understand many of the previous comments. OP has tried to meet them for the day and she's tried to invite them to hers, she's not trying to take her dog to their house.

I understand them not wanting the dog there but not meeting in the middle to hang out is inexplicable. I'm amazed your DH is still going as I think they've been rude.

Verfremdungseffekt · 12/03/2020 22:48

Honestly, maybe they’re realising this works better as a more geographically-distant friendship?

sauvignonblancplz · 12/03/2020 22:51

Is it that your friends have made the effort to come to you and are now agitated that you aren’t making the same effort as before ?
This would annoy me too. So it’s ok for the other two to give up their whole weekend and come to your but you won’t do the same.
I think you need to wise up find something for the dog and make the effort for your friends.

Original poster
Wannabemummy25 · 12/03/2020 22:51

There are too many people saying this to tag but I want to make it clear that I totally understand my friends reasons for not allowing my dog in her house and I 100% do not feel like I am entitled to take my dog to hers. I totally understand that I have responsibility for my dog and as I said in my OP I have just moved to live within an hour and I don't know any neighbours to ask to look after my dog (who is my responsibility).
What I object to is that I have made several suggestions about going for a few hours given that our dog can be left for 6 hours I think it is reasonable for us to visit for an afternoon. So I agree with what a lot of you are saying about afternoons as I have suggested it already. I have suggested they come here, we meet half way and get an oh never mind. Maybe I am unreasonable and that's why I can't understand but to me it seems like they're being selfish by not compromising. Having discussed with it my DH this eve we have come to the conclusion that they aren't dog people and the reason they are probably turning down invites to our house is because they don't like our dog.

OP posts:
Umberellaellaella · 12/03/2020 22:52

Cant you take the dog for a long walk treats and a play then get ready and both go over for a few hours and then both drive back home - dog will be tired and sleeping and you both get to go out, I wouldn't just one go and stay that's madness.

Palavah · 12/03/2020 22:52

When you have met halfway have you been taking the dog? Maybe it's them, not their cat, that doesn't like your dog?

Original poster
Wannabemummy25 · 12/03/2020 22:56

Thanks for all of the responses, I do totally understand where everyone is coming from and I can imagine how a cat would feel as they don't know some crazy excited dog wagging their tail is friendly and not about to bite their head off! I just feel that they're making us do the compromising "put your dog in daycare, pay for a dog Walker so you can visit us..." seems very one sided to me!

OP posts:
Original poster
Wannabemummy25 · 12/03/2020 22:57

I think because it's an after work thing that wouldn't work. We have previously suggested that for a saturday a few weeks ago but the plan got cancelled because something came up. I am happy to do that at weekends :-)

OP posts:
Chouxalacreme · 12/03/2020 22:58

Is this doggy pfb?

sauvignonblancplz · 12/03/2020 22:59

????
The dog shouldn’t even be part of the occasion.
You don’t come as a package Confused
It’s a dog.
My friend brings her dog every time she comes to my house , he jumps everywhere , runs round the house , he really annoys me. I have animals too but I just find it so so so rude. It’s absolutely not necessary.
How do you go to a wedding? You’re making this an issue when it’s not.

Original poster
Wannabemummy25 · 12/03/2020 22:59

@palavah this is what I am bringing to think tbh because all of the meet up halfway plans have involved us bringing the dog for a long country walk together...weirdly they proudly told us how they had visited other friends with the same breed of dog but much older and how their other friends dog just fell fast asleep on their knee unlike our dog who wants to play!

OP posts: