Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend is being unreasonable?

110 replies

Wannabemummy25 · 12/03/2020 21:59

Kind of a long story short, have been close friends for years and this friend was my maid of honour at my wedding, I was hers and our DHs are best friends. I have had a dog for 2 years and they have had a cat for 4 years. For the last 5 years we have lived about 5 hours drive from each other and we would take it in turns once a month for who would do the drive to visit each other. Since we have had our dog we have been able to take him with us when we go to stay with them in the hope our dog and their cat will become friends. We have since moved to live within an hour of our friends meaning we can visit much more easily. However, the friends have suddenly decided that our dog scares their cat and they can't have that so if we want to visit we can't bring our dog anymore. Don't get me wrong, I totally get this and if someone brought their pet to my house and scared my dog I would feel the same. Our dog has never our near their cat btw. He is always on a lead in their house and just so happens to bark excitedly as the cat comes downstairs to go out of her cat flap. The friends say that the cat gets so scared that she hides under the bed as soon as she smells our dog... I'm kind of thinking that this is an excuse as our dog stayed with us at theirs loads as a puppy, so I am sort of thinking that now he is much bigger they just don't want him in the house which is fine, each to their own!
However, we are now in a position where we can't visit our friends unless we put our dog in kennels. This is quite costly for the weekend and to be honest I don't want to because in the same way as our dog stresses their cat, going into kennels really stresses our dog out and I would never do it unless I really had to in an emergency! He is a pampered dog and doesn't like it!

So we have made endless suggestions about meeting up half way, going on a country walk and a pub lunch, them staying with us etc but all met with radio silence. Both of them are off work this weekend (which is a bit rare for all 4 of us to be off at the same weekend) and have invited us to stay with them. They only asked us yesterday and only my DH is going because one of us has to stay here with our dog. Am I being unreasonable to think either why couldn't they have come here or meet up halfway?!
They live next door to friends who frequently look after their cat. We on the other hand don't know anyone who could look after our dog! We just moved to this area and the only people we know are these friends who live an hour away. I feel like they're not being very considerate of our situation despite us making suggestions to meet up half way or them come to us. When both my DH and I explained that one of us would have to stay at home with the dog this weekend we were met with "oh never mind then we will see you a different time". I certainly agree with their choice about not allowing our dog at their house and that's not the part I think they're BU about, it's just they don't seem to want to compromise! Or am I being unreasonable and should just pay £60 for my dog to stay in a kennel with some strangers he doesn't know and him coming back stressed to death?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Wannabemummy25 · 13/03/2020 11:41

@underfall I get this isn't everyones cup of tea but after dog gets over the initial excitement of going into a new house (when we did used to take him) he is kept on his lead at my feet and curls up on his blanket at my feet and goes to sleep whilst we play the games...general chit chat. Before we got the dog and we would do this and their cat would sit on one of their knees whilst we played games but obviously couldn't do that when our dog was there.

OP posts:
underfall · 13/03/2020 11:49

OP - Sorry but I don’t get the impression it’s primarily about pets. It sounds to me like they don’t want to be your chums. I think you should leave them alone.

vhs95 · 13/03/2020 11:54

I agree that it sounds as tho they want to cool the friendship. You have tried to meet up with them half way (minus dog) but they won't even discuss it. Perhaps now you are closer they are panicking and want to keep a bit of distance. I would be tempted to leave future contact to them and see what they come up with.

Original poster
Wannabemummy25 · 13/03/2020 11:57

@underfall that's quite sad considering we have been friends for 15 years +! I don't know what I've or we have done to offend them but have noticed they have seemingly made new friends since we got the dog (probably coincidence) and always seem to be too busy with these new friends to do stuff with us! So maybe that's right and I'll stop suggesting we meet up and see if they start suggesting things. If not, I guess I have my answer!

OP posts:
underfall · 13/03/2020 12:02

”I'll stop suggesting we meet up and see if they start suggesting things. If not, I guess I have my answer!”

That sounds like a good plan. And look around for friends nearby. Good luck!

dreamingbohemian · 13/03/2020 12:16

ever since we got our dog they haven't suggested anything and we are the ones always making plans, or at least trying to with them

🙄

Seriously OP put 2 and 2 together here. They don't want to spend time with your dog!

You may think it's sad they don't, but I think it's sad when pets become more important than friendships. Have a dog walker come by a couple times on a weekend, it would be fine.

Horsefeather · 13/03/2020 12:17

that's quite sad considering we have been friends for 15 years +! I don't know what I've or we have done to offend them

You don't have to have done anything to 'offend' them people just grow out of people, and not all friendships last forever. Sometimes changes in circumstance mean you realise how little you have in common with someone I just moved countries and for the first time in 25 years live quite close to an old schoolfriend. We've maintained a cordial friendship based on annual meetings, but I can already tell it's not going to work seeing one another on a more frequent basis. Our lives have gone in very different directions.

airbags · 13/03/2020 12:24

Your dog always being in attendance is the problem. I've had numerous dogs over my adult life and have always trained them to be able to be left for 5-6 hours (not daily - maybe once a week at most). Even as a dog lover I wouldn't always want my friends dog with us.... an overnighter, a pub lunch, a walk. Stop prioritising the dog, visit your friends but come back in time so your dog is OK.

AryaStarkWolf · 13/03/2020 12:29

I don't understand why you need to stay overnight if you live that close?

lilyheather1 · 13/03/2020 12:35

I LOVE my dogs beyond belief but when DH and I visit our best friends for lots of drinks, beer pong and general drinking game silliness, we get out dog sitter in. I love them to death, but similar to how parents sometimes need a night away from the kids to let loose, sometimes we enjoy a night away for fun and a lie in!

Horsefeather · 13/03/2020 12:47

I don't understand why you need to stay overnight if you live that close?

The OP said it was because someone wouldn't be able to drink if they didn't stay over.

incognitomum · 13/03/2020 12:52

How much is a taxi?

I do agree with leaving the ball in their court now. See if they make any effort. It happens. You'll make new friends. Or get another dog 😉🐕

Isthistrueor · 13/03/2020 12:54

They always had an issue with the dog but tolerated it because you lived five hours away. Now you only live an hour away they feel able to tell you to leave the dog at home when you visit. You don’t need to stay over, they only live an hour away now.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 13/03/2020 12:59

Is the problem that you don't want to leave the dog over night? I wouldn't leave my dog in kennels over night, he's more important to me than going to stay with friends. If it's just for the day, I would walk him, get a dog walker in for during the day, even if it needs to be twice, and take him out when I got home.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 13/03/2020 13:00

Leave out a big container of dry food and a big container of water, there is no reason why you can't be gone for the entire day and/or stay over night and go back first thing in the morning, especially as it is only an hour away. It's doable.

Well my dog won't eat dry food so......

Also, where is the dog supposed to go to the toilet while in the house alone for an entire day and night?

Dozer · 13/03/2020 13:05

The friendship sounds like it was v intense in terms of time commitment/costs when you lived many hours away.

I would suggest some dates for meeting up halfway, them visiting you or you visiting then for a few hours. If they continue to decline would assume that for whatever reason they no longer want to spend much time with you.

Oilyoilyoilgob · 13/03/2020 13:07

I’ve had to stop meeting a friend because of her dog 😬 every time we met for lunch, she brought the dog (I love animals but....) the dog was extremely needy, constant whining and barking at other dogs. Couldn’t sit still. Friend constantly talking to and babying the dog. I felt like a spare wheel on a date 🤣

Despite my suggestions of just meeting ‘us two’ so we could have a proper catch up, the answer was a resounding no from my friend. She worked from home so it’s not like the dog was bored all day, we were 90mins max for lunch.

I love animals, but when I’m taking the time to see a friend I want to catch up properly, not dote over a dog!

QueenofallIsee · 13/03/2020 13:12

Yeah OP, you have had the penny drop now I think - the thing that has changed your friendship is your dog. They don’t want to spend time with it or you when the dog is with you. It sounds as though they gave it a try when you first had him but have concluded that they don’t want the dog around/in their house/with you guys on days out. I am not a dog person and always having to do dog friendly things with a animal that I am not interested in would piss me off I think.

See them minus the dog or let the friendship drift

Original poster
Wannabemummy25 · 13/03/2020 13:39

I'm sat here laughing to myself having just had the penny drop when I considered something I had forgotten to post in my OP. Both of us are going on holiday at the same time to the same destination later in the year, by total chance I must add. We have had ours booked since last year and when we told them they said oh we are going there too at the same time (again we didnt know this when we booked and as it is a foreign holiday my mum is looking after dog for the week we are away as she is house sitting too). So we said oh we could meet up for dinner whilst we are both there, didn't suggest getting joint accommodation or anything, just meeting up at a restaurant in Spain together...this was met by a "we will let you know", anyway spoke to them last week and we they have changed their holiday to the week after and go out the day we come back so all in all I'm inclined to think it isn't just about the dog!!

OP posts:
TealWater · 13/03/2020 13:47

Wow. I suppose our local vet (who has won awards), ourselves, and many, many families I know are 'neglectful' then. Hmm Most people's dogs here are outside hence no need to be stuck indoors. Honestly I am shaking my head in disbelief at the nonsense I am reading here. They are dogs. They aren't babies. I honestly don't know anyone who hasn't left out food in the yard for their dog (with a kennel house/shelter). I am truly stunned at how people think someone needs to be home 24/7 with a dog that can cope in their own back yard.

NeedSomeSupport · 13/03/2020 13:47

You can do better OP

Shit so called friends.

dottiedodah · 13/03/2020 13:49

Surely you can go for a few hours? Someone has to be designated driver I get that ,but surely better than being left at home with Pooch! My dog is very good , but my friends cats dont like her (Surely thats normal anyway! ) What about if you left home at say 12 ,got there at One ,had the afternoon /lunch together and came home around 6 or 7 ? Not ideal but give doggy a good walk and leave water out for him .We are lucky that our friend will always dogsit ,but best made plans and all that meant we had to leave her for about 6 hours ,as my DH birthday was planned as a day out in London .And friends company needed him to work due to a problem cropping up unexpectedly .She was fine ,fast asleep .pleased to see him and get her Supper !

TerryScottsBridge · 13/03/2020 14:02

The OP said it was because someone wouldn't be able to drink if they didn't stay over.

In which case there's a bigger problem if someone can't handle an evening with friends without the support of alcohol.

underfall · 13/03/2020 14:09

”they have changed their holiday to the week after and go out the day we come back so all in all I'm inclined to think it isn't just about the dog!!”

Indeed. Well done for remembering that. Smile

As others have mentioned, people often do drift away from earlier friends, especially if they don’t live in the same community. It’s not unusual at all.

Do you walk your dog in a local dog-watching spot? Good way to meet other dog-owners, some of whom might become friends.

incognitomum · 13/03/2020 14:15

Oh dear. Yes they're trying to dump you.

I wouldn't even bother with them now tbh.