To think my friend is being unreasonable?

[Wannabemummy25]

Kind of a long story short, have been close friends for years and this friend was my maid of honour at my wedding, I was hers and our DHs are best friends. I have had a dog for 2 years and they have had a cat for 4 years. For the last 5 years we have lived about 5 hours drive from each other and we would take it in turns once a month for who would do the drive to visit each other. Since we have had our dog we have been able to take him with us when we go to stay with them in the hope our dog and their cat will become friends. We have since moved to live within an hour of our friends meaning we can visit much more easily. However, the friends have suddenly decided that our dog scares their cat and they can't have that so if we want to visit we can't bring our dog anymore. Don't get me wrong, I totally get this and if someone brought their pet to my house and scared my dog I would feel the same. Our dog has never our near their cat btw. He is always on a lead in their house and just so happens to bark excitedly as the cat comes downstairs to go out of her cat flap. The friends say that the cat gets so scared that she hides under the bed as soon as she smells our dog... I'm kind of thinking that this is an excuse as our dog stayed with us at theirs loads as a puppy, so I am sort of thinking that now he is much bigger they just don't want him in the house which is fine, each to their own!
However, we are now in a position where we can't visit our friends unless we put our dog in kennels. This is quite costly for the weekend and to be honest I don't want to because in the same way as our dog stresses their cat, going into kennels really stresses our dog out and I would never do it unless I really had to in an emergency! He is a pampered dog and doesn't like it!

So we have made endless suggestions about meeting up half way, going on a country walk and a pub lunch, them staying with us etc but all met with radio silence. Both of them are off work this weekend (which is a bit rare for all 4 of us to be off at the same weekend) and have invited us to stay with them. They only asked us yesterday and only my DH is going because one of us has to stay here with our dog. Am I being unreasonable to think either why couldn't they have come here or meet up halfway?!
They live next door to friends who frequently look after their cat. We on the other hand don't know anyone who could look after our dog! We just moved to this area and the only people we know are these friends who live an hour away. I feel like they're not being very considerate of our situation despite us making suggestions to meet up half way or them come to us. When both my DH and I explained that one of us would have to stay at home with the dog this weekend we were met with "oh never mind then we will see you a different time". I certainly agree with their choice about not allowing our dog at their house and that's not the part I think they're BU about, it's just they don't seem to want to compromise! Or am I being unreasonable and should just pay £60 for my dog to stay in a kennel with some strangers he doesn't know and him coming back stressed to death?!

Is your dog boisterous and annoying? Do you talk to it in a baby voice?
Maybe they just want to hang out with their mates (you) and not their dog.

Al thus bs about a dog. Seek help ffs

But surely it’s occurred to you before now that they don’t like your dog, and don’t want to be around him at your house, have him in theirs, or to meet in a dog-friendly pub and go for a country walk with the dog? It seems plain enough to me. If they’re ok with a quiet older dog of the same breed, is yours badly-behaved or requires all of your attention?

Maybe they just aren’t as keen on these frequent get-togethers as you are. People do change, and want to move on.

Sorry but it sounds like they dislike your dog. They don’t want you bring it to theirs (fair enough), they don’t want to come to you and if you met half way for a pub lunch/walk then I’m guessing you’d bring the dog. Maybe he’s badly behaved or smelly and they don’t feel comfortable raising this with you. Or they’re just really, really not dog people.

X posted with you.

weirdly they proudly told us how they had visited other friends with the same breed of dog but much older and how their other friends dog just fell fast asleep on their knee unlike our dog who wants to play

This sounds like a hint that they think your dog is badly behaved. Not saying that yours is- maybe he is, maybe he’s not and they don’t know anything about dog behaviour, I have no idea. But it does explain your friends’ behaviour.

After your updates, I’d be rethinking the friendship; they want everything their way, it’s overnight at their home or nothing.
Maybe the dog is an excuse to cool the friendship, as they seem unwilling to do any of your suggestions.

I honestly am beginning to think all of the comments about them not liking the dog is totally fair and as someone has pointed out wondering why I haven't seen this before. It honestly never occurred to me because they have never said anything until now about the cat and have always seemed fine with our dog. He is a medium dog and is very excitable but he is well trained and has completed all of his training certificates (I am a responsible dog owner) but I get dogs arent everyones cup of tea. I should also add that my DH is allergic to their cat and has to take antihistamines every time we go but they always tell us to keep our bedroom door open at night so the cat can get in and sleep on the bed as thats where the cat sleeps....so what I am learning is that people (me included) are precious about their pets!

seems very one sided to me!

Well yes! That's exactly what it is! Because its your dog, not their dog, so it would never be two sided! and its whereabouts and its care needs are sod all to do with them.

You really need to reset your whole outlook on this

Don't read too much into it, I'm sure your friend is telling the truth.
There are people who will come to your home, take dog out for a walk maybe twice in a day, feed and water. Doesn't cost the earth. Have a look and see if there is anyone near you and ask your vet, they usually have details like that. We used to do that with our cats but of course they didn't need to be walked, just fed.

I just want to add, cats are terrified of dogs unless they've been brought up with them. I remember someone coming round to ours with his dog, a nice dog, and we had kittens and mother cat who was very young. They all ran into the kitchen and jumped at the glass door trying to get out, they were so frightened - and the dog had done nothing except arrive.

I think the reason they won’t compromise is that they probably believe everything you suggests will still focus around your dog.

Meet them half way - they will think you will bring the dog
Come to your house - the focus will be on the dog

It does sound like they are not dog people and as one myself I would have not allowed you to bring your dog in the first place and wouldn’t want meet ups to include the dog.

Maybe reassure them that any meet up will be humans only and they may be more open to compromising

A stressed cat misbehaves, damages furniture, pees and poos where it shouldn’t. A lot of work is created.
If the dog is stressing out the cat, it can’t visit anymore.

Thanks for all of the sensible suggestions. Having talked to DH he is going to chat to them tomorrow because I don't want this to come between us. I am guilty of being overly precious about my dog but I would hate to think I'm not being empathetic of another's feelings so I will go with the suggestions and at least look into people in the area for walking etc, should the need arise in the future. The reason I said one sided is that, we arent the only ones with animals and every compromise I've had to meet up gets met with no. They have a cat and don't seem to be willing to spend money on their animal so that they can visit us. Making me think they're either struggling for money as one person suggested and/or they don't like the dog! So will just do as others suggested as ask them to meet up half way but without the dog and see what reception I get to that.

Your DH sleeps with a cat in the room despite being allergic?

Why?

Go there this time- without the dog for an afternoon.
Balls in their court for next time.
If they don't want to come, then have a chat

It is strange they expect the cat to sleep with you when you stay, when they don’t like your dog around

However I don’t get what’s wrong with you going over for an afternoon without the dog

They sound selfish and this is one sided

Well I sympathise a bit but honestly what this boils down to is that dog owners, ok not all but a lot just do not grasp that others don't like dogs. This whole saga revolves round the dog. Who wants to play aka jump up, lick, bark, nip and stick its nose up your arse and dominate the day. I suspect your friends are yearning for the friendship in pre dog days.

But your DH is also free to say he can’t come over, he’s allergic to the cat and doesn’t want it on his bed at night. It’s not as though by having put up with this, he ‘earns’ the right to bring your dog everywhere.

See also long recent thread by an OP going on a first date with a man who blithely informed her he was bringing his dog after they’d already made the date. She liked dogs but thought he was rude to have presumed rather than asked, but hundreds of self-proclaimed dog-lovers on the thread could not see why anyone wouldn’t be delighted Fido the lurcher was coming along as third wheel, and thought that anyone who had an issue with him not asking first was Not a Dog Lover and thus a Bad Person..

Personally I’d leave it.

If it turns out they do want to keep up the friendship, that’s soon enough to have a chat about how to do it in a way that everybody is happy with and nobody with a cat allergy is being expected to sleep with a bloody cat! 😗 That’s pretty outrageous in my book.

I don't understand what it is with dog owners who over-pamper their dogs and then complain they can't leave them. Leave out a big container of dry food and a big container of water, there is no reason why you can't be gone for the entire day and/or stay over night and go back first thing in the morning, especially as it is only an hour away. It's doable. Where I am people leave their dogs all day - don't either of you work full time?

It's a dog. It should be left home, it doesn't need to go anywhere. And of course it's one-sided. Your friend doesn't drag their cat around everywhere they go, unlike you with your dog. How can the compromises not be one-sided, when you're the one causing the issues? When we had dogs, they stayed at home. Leaving them for an overnight stay at friends was fine because we left enough food and water out. Leave the dog at home where it belongs. You are one hour away! You could manage one overnight stay. It's not like you live 10 hours away.

Very wierd to expect you to share a bed with their cat.

Leaving them for an overnight stay at friends was fine because we left enough food and water out.

Animals have needs beyond food and water. I don't think this is an ok way to treat a dog.

Friend is BU for expecting you to let their cat sleep on your bed! No way I would be having that, especially if DH is allergic, not on. They are also BU for not attempting to compromise, sounds like you are trying your best . I suspect they don't like your dog, it probably jumps up/ slobbers/barks/ smells or all four. BTW I generally like dogs and cats but often not ones owned by people who are 'precious' about them as they are invariably badly behaved and unpleasant to be around.