Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend is being unreasonable?

110 replies

Wannabemummy25 · 12/03/2020 21:59

Kind of a long story short, have been close friends for years and this friend was my maid of honour at my wedding, I was hers and our DHs are best friends. I have had a dog for 2 years and they have had a cat for 4 years. For the last 5 years we have lived about 5 hours drive from each other and we would take it in turns once a month for who would do the drive to visit each other. Since we have had our dog we have been able to take him with us when we go to stay with them in the hope our dog and their cat will become friends. We have since moved to live within an hour of our friends meaning we can visit much more easily. However, the friends have suddenly decided that our dog scares their cat and they can't have that so if we want to visit we can't bring our dog anymore. Don't get me wrong, I totally get this and if someone brought their pet to my house and scared my dog I would feel the same. Our dog has never our near their cat btw. He is always on a lead in their house and just so happens to bark excitedly as the cat comes downstairs to go out of her cat flap. The friends say that the cat gets so scared that she hides under the bed as soon as she smells our dog... I'm kind of thinking that this is an excuse as our dog stayed with us at theirs loads as a puppy, so I am sort of thinking that now he is much bigger they just don't want him in the house which is fine, each to their own!
However, we are now in a position where we can't visit our friends unless we put our dog in kennels. This is quite costly for the weekend and to be honest I don't want to because in the same way as our dog stresses their cat, going into kennels really stresses our dog out and I would never do it unless I really had to in an emergency! He is a pampered dog and doesn't like it!

So we have made endless suggestions about meeting up half way, going on a country walk and a pub lunch, them staying with us etc but all met with radio silence. Both of them are off work this weekend (which is a bit rare for all 4 of us to be off at the same weekend) and have invited us to stay with them. They only asked us yesterday and only my DH is going because one of us has to stay here with our dog. Am I being unreasonable to think either why couldn't they have come here or meet up halfway?!
They live next door to friends who frequently look after their cat. We on the other hand don't know anyone who could look after our dog! We just moved to this area and the only people we know are these friends who live an hour away. I feel like they're not being very considerate of our situation despite us making suggestions to meet up half way or them come to us. When both my DH and I explained that one of us would have to stay at home with the dog this weekend we were met with "oh never mind then we will see you a different time". I certainly agree with their choice about not allowing our dog at their house and that's not the part I think they're BU about, it's just they don't seem to want to compromise! Or am I being unreasonable and should just pay £60 for my dog to stay in a kennel with some strangers he doesn't know and him coming back stressed to death?!

OP posts:
TealWater · 12/03/2020 23:50

I hadn't read your update of Thu 12-Mar-20 23:14:03 when I responded. That is not fair of them then if they are putting your DH out and not making any compromises. Has your DH explained that he is allergic and doesn't want the cat on the bed with him? Or asked to sleep in another room/lounge room as it isn't suitable for the cat to be on the bed with him?

TealWater · 12/03/2020 23:55

@Stompythedinosaur What other needs to they have? If left in the yard with shelter they can do their business. If in the house, a window ajar for fresh air and newspapers/pads down for toileting. It is a dog. It can go without human interaction for 24 hours. It's what everyone else I know does. Not sure why it's bad.

lazyarse123 · 13/03/2020 00:13

Why are some pp just focussing on the dog visiting? Op has said more than once that she completely understands them not wanting the dog in their house. Jesus. If they really don't like the dog why don't they just say. If I were you op I wouldn't bother compromising and I definitely wouldn't spend the weekend alone, unless you like that idea.

HarrietThePi · 13/03/2020 00:21

I don't understand why the dog would need to go in kennels if you only live an hour away now. Can't you just go to visit them for a few hours and then come back home? Dogs can be left at home alone for a few hours can't they?

Merryweather80 · 13/03/2020 01:56

What do you do with the dog when you are at work for presumably 7/8+ hours?
Get a pet sitter sat night and sun morning. It won't cost as much as the kennels and as the dog is at home it's less stressful for the dog. Your friends want to see you not the dog or for you to be distracted by the dog running about wanting attention and to play.

Take some time away from your dog.
What would you do if you had to go into hospital or go away for a work conference/training etc?

SteeperThanHell · 13/03/2020 06:47

Have any of you actually read the OPs first post. She is quite happy to leave the dog at home for a few hours and meet the friends half-way - it’s them who are insisting that it has to be whole weekend (without the dog) or nothing.

It just seems to be an excuse to bash dog owners - even when they are being reasonable.

Rhubarbpeony · 13/03/2020 06:54

YANBU - it sounds like you’ve offered plenty of compromises but they only want to see you on their terms.

onanothertrain · 13/03/2020 07:05

Tealwater the idea that it is fine to leave a dog overnight is ridiculous and probably amounts to neglect.

Ilovemypantry · 13/03/2020 07:56

@TealWater

I wouldn’t even leave my cats alone overnight let alone a dog. Yes, it might have enough food and water but what if it was suddenly unwell while you were not there? I don’t think leaving a dog (or cat for that matter) is responsible pet ownership. If you have pets you make sacrifices for them...always.

Ilovemypantry · 13/03/2020 08:05

@TealWater
Just read your reply further up to @Stompythedinosaur
what other needs do they have?
This confirms my opinion that you shouldn’t be a dog owner at all with that attitude. I can’t believe you would even say that tbh. Dogs should NEVER be left at home overnight and you are not a responsible dog owner if you do.

Ilovemypantry · 13/03/2020 08:14

OP....I think your friends are BVU if they won’t compromise and meet you somewhere half way, that would mean about half an hour’s drive for both of you. You could leave your dog at home for a few hours (if friends really didn’t want you to bring the dog along), make sure dog has a walk before you go and has food and drink left for him, he’ll be fine for a few hours.
The friends are BU to expect you to leave the dog at home overnight and have to pay for a kennel or dog sitter.
I don’t blame you at all (in fact I admire you) for putting the needs of your dog first, as pet owners, that’s what everyone should do. If you don’t want to give up weekends/holidays away, don’t get a pet as it’s not fair on them.

lowlandLucky · 13/03/2020 08:28

I think they are using the dog as an excuse, maybe meeting up once a monthis a bit too much for them and stops them from seeing other friends/family or having time to themselves. Maybe meet ups could be every 3 months ?

crapette · 13/03/2020 08:34

in the hope our dog and their cat will become friends

Sorry, but I couldn't take it seriously after this.

HardWorkShy · 13/03/2020 08:37

The dog is a red herring.

If you've offered to meet them local for lunch/walks/a visit, and they've said no, you've been more than reasonable.

Horsefeather · 13/03/2020 08:45

@SteeperThanHell, she doesn’t say in her OP that the halfway meeting option originally involved leaving the dog at home — in fact, her most recent post suggests that this is a new idea she has yet to suggest to the friends. I think the original ‘meeting halfway’ plan definitely did involve the dog because of the ‘long country walk’ element, which is possibly why the friends weren’t keen..

MrsClatterbuck · 13/03/2020 08:47

YANBU in my opinion. Living an hour away is not very far and to meet half way means only a 30min journey which you have offered. You could meet for lunch and as you have said in your op you can leave the dog for up to 6 hours. How could this be a problem. TBH I would much rather meet up for lunch than have someone to stay and find it really strange that it is on the cards when you live only an hours drive apart. Also knowing your Dh has an allergy to cats who would insist that the cat sleeps on his bed. I have an allergy to cats and no way would it be sleeping on my bed. I would be a total mess with red streaming eyes constantly coughing. My lips or eyes might even swell up. No would not be happening even with antihistamines.

DrManhattan · 13/03/2020 08:55

They just aren't that into you

Original poster
Wannabemummy25 · 13/03/2020 09:02

@DrManhattan this made me chuckle! Maybe it is just friendship growing apart because ever since we got our dog they haven't suggested anything and we are the ones always making plans, or at least trying to with them. Maybe we arent nice people and they don't like us anyone, having a dog has changed us haha!

OP posts:
DrManhattan · 13/03/2020 09:10

It's not about you being nice or not nice people. Things change over time. People change. Just one of those things. If they aren't meeting you half way just take the hint x

underfall · 13/03/2020 09:12

”They just aren't that into you.”

Evidently. 🤣

LannieDuck · 13/03/2020 09:20

Why is your DH still going? It feels like they're pressing you to make all the compromises, while they make none... and you're doing it.

Be clear - you cannot both visit them together because you can't leave your dog along. Your DH cannot stay overnight at their house because he's allergic to their cat. They're welcome to come to your house, or you can meet half way.

If they don't want to do either of those... I would question whether they're really that interested in the friendship.

Palavah · 13/03/2020 09:30

Why on earth is your DH going to sleep over of he's allergic and the cats has to sleep on his bed? That's bizarre of him and rude of them as hosts. I still don't get the overnight thing as an hour away.

Original poster
Wannabemummy25 · 13/03/2020 09:35

The overnight things stems from wanting to have a drink tbh and I think that's where the reluctance to meet halfway comes from because it would mean on 2/4 people could drink, which I don't mind. So by staying over we can all have a few drinks and play boardgames making it more of a social occasion rather than a rushed visit to have lunch. we seem to have more success when it's just the DHs who meet or just me and the friend rather than as two couples. Thinking about it I think they don't want to go for a pub lunch with the dog because it would mean going to a dog friendly pub and maybe that's puts them off their food if they're not dog people

OP posts:
underfall · 13/03/2020 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ginseng1 · 13/03/2020 09:52

It sounds like they not that into you guys am afraid. Not compromising at all & making your dh sleep with the cat??