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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

20 years ago. Was this abuse or just children experimenting?

82 replies

Ncsecond · 12/03/2020 16:34

AIBU - for traffic (and because I don’t know where to put it)

I’m 30 year old female, and for some reason I keep having a niggling feeling that I should tell someone about what used to happen.

Myself and my siblings used to spend the odd weekend night with my grandparents. Up until we were teenagers I imagine. My gps also used to look after our two cousins. The oldest girl cousin who would have been about 12/13/14 (5 years older than me) used to always wait until no one was around and ask me to get under the duvet with her and kiss me properly, like tongues and grinding on me. She used to touch me and I remember finding it very strange but weirdly (and I think this is where it seems like abuse to me) I have shame and embarrassment that I enjoyed it as it was our little secret. I think it was because she was the oldest and coolest and I wanted her attention. I would have been around 7. I distinctively remember my sister who was younger occasionally catching us under the sheets and us denying anything. I wonder if I asked my sister now; she would remember it?
She is estranged from her parents now (not really sure why) we have always just been told “it’s because she’s difficult and doesn’t want to know us” but whenever I go to my gps and they bring her up I get a horrible feeling and it’s got worse. This must have been 20 years ago now, but I wonder whether I should tell someone?
I’ve obviously got on with my life and it’s not bothered me massively, just now i’m an adult and have children of my own i’m starting to question it more. Was she being abused herself? Was she just experimenting? I have no idea why she doesn’t speak to any of her family now and I just hope to god it’s nothing to do with her childhood.
I guess what i’m asking Aibu, is if I should reach out and ask her? Or do I just let it go and try and forget?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ncsecond · 12/03/2020 16:43

Sorry
Yabu - move on, let it go and don’t say anything
YANBU - let someone know

OP posts:
Thekindyoufindinasecondhand · 12/03/2020 16:43

Didn't click either of the options as feel neither is really applicable.
You were being abused, you were very young and it sounds as if you were forced into this situation. The fact you say you enjoyed it on some level can be synonymous with abuse and the confusion it brings, physical feelings blending in with admiration for an older, more 'powerful' person end up being very confusing and can make the abused child very confused and tend to be one of the reasons they never come forward about what they experienced.
If you were to establish contact what would you want to say? Would it be to talk about this situation or something else?

I would seek therapy for this, on the surface you have to said it doesn't bother you massively, but you have felt the need to post this and I'm sure have feelings of confusion that you may not even realise have an impact on things.

Original poster
Ncsecond · 12/03/2020 17:01

Thank you for the reply. The thing that obviously is bothering me is that I have never told a single soul and on the whole I tell my husband everything so it would be strange for me to mention it now. I know my feelings are uneasy and it was abuse as I even to this day I have never spoken to her and get chills when I think about it. What worries me is if this had happened to any of my younger siblings or to her and that’s why she’s kept her disntance from her whole family all these years.

OP posts:
ChelseaCat · 12/03/2020 17:12

I had a very very similar experience at the same age and with a similar age gap, although with a male cousin. I’ve never done anything about it or told anyone either.

I find it an extremely confusing situation, even now

Thekindyoufindinasecondhand · 12/03/2020 17:16

OP it feels strange to mention it now as you've locked this secret away for a long time, but time isn't a healer for everything, it's clear you are feeling a lot of confusion. I would say to contact a therapist who specialises in childhood trauma or abuse first before you attempt to make any contact with siblings regarding what happened. This will help you to gain some clarity on how you feel and what happened and the next steps to take.

Original poster
Ncsecond · 12/03/2020 17:18

@ChelseaCat this is what I feared, maybe this sort of thing was happening to my siblings and we all felt the same way, as if we were the weird ones and we’re almost leading the cousin on. If I ever said anything I have a feeling I would be the one made to look stupid and I have no urge to bring it up to the cousin (not that I have ever spoken to her as an adult) as I have embarrassment that maybe she thought I was the one doing it to her or that it was some sort of insest we both wanted (I know that sounds ridiculous) if that makes sense)

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 12/03/2020 17:18

If you did tell someone, what would you be hoping to happen?
Police, arrests, court case?

Original poster
Ncsecond · 12/03/2020 17:20

@Thekindyoufindinasecondhand I think you are right. Maybe there are underlying emotions I still need to deal with. It’s come up because I was looking through photos with my gps this weekend and they KEPT asking me if I have spoken to her recently (she is their first grandchild and never really understood why she grew up and disowned everyone)

OP posts:
Original poster
Ncsecond · 12/03/2020 17:21

@Oliversmumsarmy that’s why i’m here I guess. I just want it to be acknowledged. I don’t hate her. I actually feel like she must have been copying this behavior and THAT is what I would like to uncover. Could have been that she was abused by a family
Member?

OP posts:
Leaannb · 12/03/2020 17:25

@Ncsecond I wonder who abused your cousin?

londonrach · 12/03/2020 18:06

Your poor cousin. Who abused her. Its not normal play so your cousin was abused and she abused you. How you feel about it now. The only thing my cousins did wrong with us was show us the silence of the lambs at age 5 and 7...gave my dsis and i nightmares for months. Who had access to your cousin.

opticaldelusion · 12/03/2020 18:14

Woah. We don't know the cousin was abused. That kind of behaviour isn't unusual and you can't expect a 12 year old to be cognisant of an age gap and how that creates a power dynamic. As far as we know she was just exploring her nascent sexuality with a family member she felt comfortable with. It's not uncommon FFS.

OP, if you can't rest about this then seek some proper, trained counselling. All you'll get on mumsnet is hysteria and shrieking about CHILD ABUSE.

UYScuti · 12/03/2020 18:17

My guess is that she was abused herself, I dont think it comes into the 'children experimenting' category because this is an older child taking advantage of the 'kudos' that they have in the eyes of a younger child

UYScuti · 12/03/2020 18:18

just exploring her nascent sexuality with a family member
just? wtf :(

UYScuti · 12/03/2020 18:19

and you really think a 12 year old doesnt understand that they are taking advantage of the younger child??

Original poster
Ncsecond · 12/03/2020 18:19

@londonrach this is where it becomes a little outing (but maybe that’s what I deep down want) when she left school she got a BF and settled down in the same town but completely stopped speaking to her whole family, her b and s and her mum and step dad. She didn’t answer calls and this caused a massive strain with my gp who practically raised her (she would have stayed with them almost every day as her parents ran a shop in the town and so always needed childcare. We were all led to believe that she was the “bad one” she used to accept Chequers from my gps but never answer her phone and would never answer the door. This is why it’s so upsetting even now for my grandad especially Who will always ask us young ones on “the Facebook” if we have heard from her. I just went on her page - we aren’t friends on there but see that she still lives in the local area but completely no contact. I have always been made to feel like she was a black sheep and because of what I remember her doing to me I thought it was for the best to avoid her. I think I’ve had a light bulb moment that maybe there was more to it? Could her mum (my mums sister), have known and taken the abusers side for example? I don’t know what to do. If anything

OP posts:
Sparklingplasters · 12/03/2020 18:22

My Dsis did same to me and I always wondered if she had been abused. I also feel guilt and shame. My dsis is emotionally unstable so Im scared to ask.

Try talking therapy?

babba2014 · 12/03/2020 18:23

It's not always that they were abused themselves. This is really really common. Unfortunately I know many who have gone through this and they come from all backgrounds.
What I've learnt from it is that no matter how innocent anyone seems, children do need to be supervised and not left alone. And I mean by parents as even older cousins can't be trusted. Not that they are untrustworthy or horrible people but they may have watched something on TV, heard something and then want to experiment. They don't really know how bad it is because they don't have the concept of abuse etc until later on in life.
Now people will say you can't watch your kids all the time and it's impossible but I can tell you even in a house full of close guests, the children may be sitting on the stairs talking about the most explicit things as young as 4. I can't explain where each child learnt what they did from, they weren't all abused but many have seen late night TV. It could be any reason though.
I personally would not bring it up but I would make sure my own children are protected and educated about it when the time is right.

AngelicaKauffman · 12/03/2020 18:24

OP, I'm sorry for what happened to you. Yes it was abuse.

I get that a lot of people who abuse were themselves abused, but as far as I know, it is nowhere near 100%. Nowhere near.

Your poor cousin. Who abused her. Its not normal play so your cousin was abused

You have anything to back that up?

dottiedodah · 12/03/2020 18:27

It certainly seems likely your cousin was being abused .However you have no actual way of knowing .I wonder why your GPs are asking you about her now .I would certainly seek the help of a therapist experienced in these issues first though .The reason you get chills when you think about it ,is because its a dark secret and you have kept it to yourself all these years .The fact your cousin is NC with the family seems strange too .

Original poster
Ncsecond · 12/03/2020 18:30

@dottiedodah they have always asked. I think it’s just, for the first time I’ve thought to delve deeper into my own emotions about why on this occasion it particularly got to me.

OP posts:
londonrach · 12/03/2020 18:31

Op..its up to you. You were abused but sounds especially with update she was too! Please be careful but what do you want to do about this. Its hard xxx

GrolliffetheDragon · 12/03/2020 18:31

@AngelicaKauffman I remember reading somewhere that is much more likely in the case of children abusing other children that they were abused themselves.

annamie · 12/03/2020 18:32

I can’t believe 38% think you should keep quiet. OP, you were abused from the age of 7 by a teenager. Her reasons for abusing you are not more important than you. What do YOU want to do?

It’s equally possible she wasn’t abused.

Original poster
Ncsecond · 12/03/2020 18:33

@babba2014 thank you for this. I want to put it down to just experimentation that she didn’t understand. I will seek some therapy as it’s making me question a lot about how I am. I have two children both very small. No cousins and no chance of me leaving them anywhere for a while, but it’s made me nervous that lots of people on this thread have had similar experiences

OP posts:
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