20 years ago. Was this abuse or just children experimenting?

[Ncsecond]

AIBU - for traffic (and because I don’t know where to put it)

I’m 30 year old female, and for some reason I keep having a niggling feeling that I should tell someone about what used to happen.

Myself and my siblings used to spend the odd weekend night with my grandparents. Up until we were teenagers I imagine. My gps also used to look after our two cousins. The oldest girl cousin who would have been about 12/13/14 (5 years older than me) used to always wait until no one was around and ask me to get under the duvet with her and kiss me properly, like tongues and grinding on me. She used to touch me and I remember finding it very strange but weirdly (and I think this is where it seems like abuse to me) I have shame and embarrassment that I enjoyed it as it was our little secret. I think it was because she was the oldest and coolest and I wanted her attention. I would have been around 7. I distinctively remember my sister who was younger occasionally catching us under the sheets and us denying anything. I wonder if I asked my sister now; she would remember it?
She is estranged from her parents now (not really sure why) we have always just been told “it’s because she’s difficult and doesn’t want to know us” but whenever I go to my gps and they bring her up I get a horrible feeling and it’s got worse. This must have been 20 years ago now, but I wonder whether I should tell someone?
I’ve obviously got on with my life and it’s not bothered me massively, just now i’m an adult and have children of my own i’m starting to question it more. Was she being abused herself? Was she just experimenting? I have no idea why she doesn’t speak to any of her family now and I just hope to god it’s nothing to do with her childhood.
I guess what i’m asking Aibu, is if I should reach out and ask her? Or do I just let it go and try and forget?

I’m so disgusted about this

But from the age of 10-12 me and my best friend used to grind on each other! Like we would play a game where one of us was the man and we would “have sex”.

Like wtf. Who does that?! It’s never been discussed between us.

A girl of 12/ 13 / 14 doing that to a much younger child is abuse. She knew what she was doing by targeting a much younger child and grooming you.

You have every right to take this further, I wouldn't assume she'd been subject to abuse either. Kids of that age know right from wrong,she knew exactly what she was doing by targeting such a young child

if you take this matter further would it not lead to the blame being levelled at the adults who should have been responsible for the children concerned?
If you tell your mum her instinct may be to dismiss and minimise this because she won't want to be blamed for not properly safeguarding you?

Repression and recovery of memories isn't rare at all.

This is very troubling, I can't imagine how you are feeling OP but I really hope you get the answers and closure you are looking for

How are you feeling OP? Have you decided to tell your mum? Hope you’re doing ok. It sounds like I come from a similar background to you - supposedly good middle class background, professional career, kids in private school etc but it still happened to me. I told my mum aged 18 and she believed me but anyone looking in would probably have thought I was attention seeking as our lives looked great from the outside and not the stereotypical abusive household.

If you’re still thinking about telling, pls think about how you will feel with different outcomes - I’ve discovered that many people are not believed or are asked to brush it under the carpet which can make you feel worse. Good luck with whatever you decide is the right thing for you

It is abuse and likely she was abused but didn't understand it at that point.

The earlier children are taught about abuse of all kinds, the better as it will protect them more. It should also mean that older children who have been abused don't go on to abuse because they understand what happened to them was abuse.