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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

20 years ago. Was this abuse or just children experimenting?

82 replies

Ncsecond · 12/03/2020 16:34

AIBU - for traffic (and because I don’t know where to put it)

I’m 30 year old female, and for some reason I keep having a niggling feeling that I should tell someone about what used to happen.

Myself and my siblings used to spend the odd weekend night with my grandparents. Up until we were teenagers I imagine. My gps also used to look after our two cousins. The oldest girl cousin who would have been about 12/13/14 (5 years older than me) used to always wait until no one was around and ask me to get under the duvet with her and kiss me properly, like tongues and grinding on me. She used to touch me and I remember finding it very strange but weirdly (and I think this is where it seems like abuse to me) I have shame and embarrassment that I enjoyed it as it was our little secret. I think it was because she was the oldest and coolest and I wanted her attention. I would have been around 7. I distinctively remember my sister who was younger occasionally catching us under the sheets and us denying anything. I wonder if I asked my sister now; she would remember it?
She is estranged from her parents now (not really sure why) we have always just been told “it’s because she’s difficult and doesn’t want to know us” but whenever I go to my gps and they bring her up I get a horrible feeling and it’s got worse. This must have been 20 years ago now, but I wonder whether I should tell someone?
I’ve obviously got on with my life and it’s not bothered me massively, just now i’m an adult and have children of my own i’m starting to question it more. Was she being abused herself? Was she just experimenting? I have no idea why she doesn’t speak to any of her family now and I just hope to god it’s nothing to do with her childhood.
I guess what i’m asking Aibu, is if I should reach out and ask her? Or do I just let it go and try and forget?

OP posts:

Original poster

Ncsecond · 12/03/2020 19:42

@annamie this is what is blowing my mind. I had convinced myself that I was older (around 7-10) but with now knowing the age gap and processing it I MUST have been on the younger side. When do we start to remember childhood events properly?

OP posts:

Original poster

Ncsecond · 12/03/2020 19:44

Also. If anyone could tell me, what’s talking therapy? What would I search to find someone?

OP posts:

5sugarsPlease · 12/03/2020 19:45

@Ncsecond It could be because of this, but I don't want you to dwell on that idea, and let it taint your whole childhood, I had a very traumatic one in other areas too, which could also be aiding my memory I guess to remove most of all. I think in general traumatic memories will always be more powerful to us.

I think all we can do is learn from the mistakes/carelessness of our elders and just not trust anyone I don't even trust my brother or BIL around my daughter, because its just hard too given what we know.

fizzandchips · 12/03/2020 19:52

OP
I can’t answer if your cousin was being abused herself. What I hear from you is a need for your experience to be believed and validated. You mention that you would usually tell your husband everything and by not sharing this with him it’s an additional burden.
See the photos, your GF asking about cousin on FB, Harvey Weinstein trial...any/all of these things are valid enough reason to share with him what you shared with us. He can support you and validate what happened to you and that might elevate some of the (misplaced) feelings of guilt and shame and you have. If not your husband, then telling someone else in RL might be a first step. Take care of yourself.
You are heard.

UYScuti · 12/03/2020 19:54

I think this is a case of a sexually mature person predating upon a prepubescent child?

Original poster

Ncsecond · 12/03/2020 19:57

I’m just trying to get my head around the ages. There is definitely 6 and a half years between us in age. I know for a fact I was in primary school and that she was not close to finishing big school as she was still being left with gps on the weekend (surely if she was 15-16 her mum would have just left her at home rather than being babysat with a load of primary school kids) which means she must have been at most 14 making me no older than 8.

OP posts:

Branleuse · 12/03/2020 20:04

its abusive, although it would be seen as child on child, so I dont think youd get anywhere if trying to prosecute, but that doesnt mean it didnt affect you and that you dont need to talk it through.

Friendsofmine · 12/03/2020 20:14

I wonder what outcome you would be hoping for in telling someone? It would depend on your desired outcome as to who you told.

A therapist would help you explore this.

The age gap adds to the confusion I imagine and I suspect she had no idea (because how could you at 13) of the damage being done from what she did.

Friendsofmine · 12/03/2020 20:14

She wasn't sexually mature. She was below the age of consent herself.

5sugarsPlease · 12/03/2020 20:23

@Friendsofmine I think the OP wants to just be heard, and the relief of it not being hidden anymore and to feel validated that this did happen. That's what I think a therapist as you said, will help her explore this and emotionally move on.

ihatethecold · 12/03/2020 20:24

Hi Op,

There is a charity called Choices that support and provide counselling for people that have been SA in childhood.

UYScuti · 12/03/2020 20:27

I suspect she had no idea (because how could you at 13) of the damage being done from what she did
Are you saying that a teenager doesnt know that it is wrong to sexually molest a young child?

TinyGirl1 · 12/03/2020 20:30

I think you need to try out therapy. There may be parts of your adult personality that are a result of what happened to you. You won't realise until someone trained can help you explore. I know someone who became hypersexual as a result of similar childhood abuse and they blamed themselves for being this way. But the truth was that abuse from various sources made them this way.
The reactions are not always clear to ourselves .

Confusionball · 12/03/2020 20:31

Sorry to hear this OP. I’ve recently started seeing a therapist as I was abused as a child too. I always thought it wasn’t a big deal and put it in a ‘box’. I’m now suffering from severe depression and am realising it’s all related to the abuse. It’s very hard to accept its trauma and how bad it was - I think somehow saying it wasn’t that bad means I could deal with it. But things have come to a head and I can’t now function. It’s definitely worth thinking about seeing a therapist to work through the trauma and working out how you want to move forward. I’m reading an excellent book by Beverley Engel called The Right to Innocence - it takes you though the effects of abuse and what you might feel and how could think about dealing with it. You could look at that first before deciding on next steps? I think it’s available free online to download if you’re interested

Reginabambina · 12/03/2020 20:37

@opticaldelusion an NT 12 year old would understand that that was wrong, even if they would be 100% aware of why. By 14 she should have been well aware that it was abuse.

@OP you aren’t alone. Something very similar happened to a friend of mine at that age. She told us but as far as I am aware no one ever informed any adults because we just didn’t know that we should have. It’s not something you should be embarrassed about talking about if that is what you want.

KnackeredHag · 12/03/2020 20:48

OP your post has jolted a memory from my own childhood of a similar situation but with the older son of a family friend. I'm trying to look at it from a neutral point of view, I want to say to you to confide in someone, even if a therapist, but equally I know I should heed my own advice. I don't think I can.

Original poster

Ncsecond · 12/03/2020 20:58

I’m reading everything and want to say thank you. As some posters have said... I think I needed some validation and someone to understand it. I stand by what I said in the first post about me being able to just carry on with life but I am slowly realizing that it’s more serious. Whats making
Me scared is that SO many of us have had similar things happen to us. I mean what the actual f*. I come from a lovely family, no reason to ever think this could have happened to someone like me. I bet if you sat down a thousand people there would be endless events similar. I just want to say, that I have an amazing marriage and close family and will not let this beat me. I’ve decided i’m going to tell my mum. After I asked about the age gap randomly I know she will ask “why” eventually. And i’m now at an age where I think she will believe me.

OP posts:

5sugarsPlease · 12/03/2020 21:03

@Ncsecond

Im happy to hear that you are going to tell your mum, and I wish you the best of luck

ZoniSouslaLune · 12/03/2020 22:14

I'll also recommend that you go for therapy, to have someone to talk it through with who's trained in understanding it. Having a listening ear can be amazing.

What happened wasn't "normal," and you didn't cause it.

I wish you the best.

Lilyamna · 12/03/2020 22:17

Good luck telling your mum

Lifeisabeach09 · 12/03/2020 23:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lifeisabeach09 · 12/03/2020 23:53

In other words, how you feel about what happened is really crucial.

Fursona · 13/03/2020 04:01

I don't think you need to be concerned with not being able to remember most of your childhood, repressed memories due to abuse/trauma is generally believed to not be a thing these days.

As we get older, we lose a lot of our older memories because there is no reason to keep them, plus, the less you think about them, the less vivid they become.

Unfortunately it does seem like you were abused to me (you didn't give consent - not that you could in the eyes of the law). However, I don't believe you'd have any case in regards to prosecution. I was sexually abused by my "dad" up until I was 15 years old (the age where I finally spoke up about it AND also found out that he wasn't my biological father). I went to the police and the case was dropped because there wasn't any "proof". With it being 20 years ago, you'll find it very difficult to prove, sadly.

I do recommend seeing a therapist though, speak to your GP and ask for a therapist, they can put you in contact with one. My GP did this recently when I was having PTSD about the things I had to do, and have done to me.

I really hope you find a way to deal with this, it's sad to see how many people go through similar experiences :(

ihatethecold · 13/03/2020 07:04

I don't think you need to be concerned with not being able to remember most of your childhood, repressed memories due to abuse/trauma is generally believed to not be a thing these days

This is incorrect.

Disassociation happens when the brain can’t cope with the memories so they are repressed and buried deep to enable a person to function.

Fursona · 13/03/2020 12:28

"Disassociation happens when the brain can’t cope with the memories so they are repressed and buried deep to enable a person to function."

Several doctors I've seen have told me how rare memory repression is and I'm inclined to believe them. The topic of "Repressed Memories" is so controversial and experts seem unable to come to a conclusion.
Personally, I believe we all forget the vast majority of our childhoods at some point or another. Especially since it's proven that our memories are incredibly unreliable.

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