To ask what you did with your explosive child?

[Heygirlheyboy]

Currently reading the book, just starting but would really appreciate other people's what works for their similar DC. I have one extremely cooperative easy DC so it's not a general parenting thing tho I do wonder if there's an element of learned behaviour in it as destructive, behaviour often gets a reaction. He has been given a lot of empathy and understanding as well as tougher love. Consequences and punishment mean absolutely nothing in terms of changing or improving the behaviour and simply breed more resentment in the short term in an already difficult situation. In school he is overall very very well behaved but the teacher can see the restrainrr steam coming out of his ears at times over perceived slights ie he can't stand being corrected and seems unable to see his own role ie his behaviour led to it. I am drained tonight after a partiiclarly horribel episode out of nowhere that blew up in seconds. For.now I have decided to attempt to remove the oxygen by not discussing afterwards and just gave a curt good night..He is 7 gets a lot of one on one with.both parents and I would say I have a incredibly close relautonship with him but I am fed up at what seems like incredibly disrespectful behaviour. Anyone with similar I would love your dos and donts for what works and doesnt.
Posted in chat but no response and would really love an ear.

Anyone?

Have you.tried reading some old threads from Sen Children? Explosive Child is recommended reading for many of us. Empathy is good , I also.found reducing demands and sometimes words themselves, helpful. Sensory overload is also a possibility. Certain words and phrases also triggered ds, he hated some of my stock.phrases such as "that is inappropriate". 7 is.a tricky age. Fresh air and free play is helpful. Daydreaming activities rather than tasks or goals (frustrating) team games were terribly triggering Avoid till older

Are there any triggers?
My one who can be explosive at home is very shy so hardly talks at school. All the drama is saved for me! It doesn't come out like that but over the years I've noticed that as a pattern. So if there has been an issue at school, even just a minor friendship one then it can cause a problem at home.
The outbursts have lessened over the years. Partly the child growing up I think and partly me being more pro active in stopping it getting to that stage.
I have found that in that state the best thing for mine was to have some time out to calm down and then sort out what was going on, including giving any punishment or rectifying the situation. In the explosion stage they can't hear you at all so it's fruitless.

He is very competitive!! Thank you for reply and everything you've said I'm aiming at. We don't get enough time outside, I will need to push this and it's something that's been on my mind. He does not have any diagnosis. I've been doing empathy since day one. Two and three were easier than this though, he wasn't a bother.

Thank you. Time out wouldfor be fought and result in prolonging the exploration I think. You're right re can't hear. What did you do to stop explosions before they happened. Relieved to hear it improved. Exhausted and so downhearted.

My DC isn't particularly explosive (he's only 2yo), but didn't want to read and run. It sounds tough and very exhausting. Any SN assessment?

Consequences and punishment mean absolutely nothing in terms of changing or improving the behaviour

Have you tried rewarding good behaviour rather than punishing bad behaviour? Some children definitely respond more to the idea of a full star chart than the threat of the naughty chair. If he was working to get 20 stars a week for a trip to the park/swimming pool/football/cinema/bowling or whatever he enjoys, would this be more motivating than being punished throughout the week?

No because he'd see a non star as a punishment iyswim and he'd always want rewards for things. Cm tried rewards and it became a negative, there is a lot of research that backs this up. Teacher does group reward and again it's a big negative for him, whether he's on the winning team or not, he hates the measurement of it.

I remember his preschool teacher, who wasn't very in tune with him gave him a sticker if no mention of poo all morning (there was a lot of toilet humour in the group at the time!) He gained a sticker abd two seconds later saud poo poo poo... she took the sticker off him.

Unfortunately no advice but in exactly the same boat with my 7 year old DS so am watching with interest. Keep hoping he'll grow out of it but it's been ongoing since he was about 2 so I'm not holding my breath!

Thanks for joining serendipity.

My ds was very dyslexic and had illegible writing. I was determined to avoid homework pressure, and refused to stress about it and he tended to quite enjoy homework as a result of me letting him dictate or muddle through. He is doing A levels now self motivated. There was a time when he would have screaming tantrums v.impatient etc 7-11. Asd.strategies helped us once he has diagnosis but tbh those strategies can help NT kids too. As you say consequences dont work with meltdowns and escalate. Distraction or better still prevention and planning work best. So screaming rage at cancelled trip can be forwarned by reminding child in.advance that trip could be cancelled because of illness or transport eg. You build in the possibility of having to adapt, to conquer black and white thinking.

I would read the whole book and do what they suggest, I like Ross Greene a lot. I've also started some of the Hand in Hand Parenting techniques and they seem to be helping.

Thank you, yes I do that, try to predict disappointment or frustration... I don't want to shelter hin from these ups and downs. Upset and tears I could deal with but aggression and verbal abuse out of nowhere hard to take. He's over it after a while and I'm still seething and sad.

I will nanbread thank you.

My DS was explosive as a primary school aged child, wouldn't bother if he was punished or incentivised either. We eventually found out that he was being bullied at school and he didn't want to lose face by talking about it at home. We ended up having to move him to a different school in the Autumn term of year 6 and it was like he became a different child overnight, he was much happier and calmer, and didn't get into any bother in his new school either.

That's terrible, I'm glad you got to the root of it. He has friends but no one really close, he did when younger but we moved before primary :( No Sen and in top 5 percent eng and maths)

My 10 yo tends to explode at bedtime, it's definitely worse when he is tired. I stick to routine as much as possible, we have 30 minute warning of bedtime, ten 10 minute, then three chapters of his book read together and lights out. Usually if he creates a fuss it's at bedtime. I just calmly tell him he can carry on and lose his story, or stop performing and have the story.
Then I leave the room. He mostly gets ready for bed then apologises and asks for his story. Which he gets.
I tried threats, punishments etc, but it became a battle of wills.
It's not perfect, but it's the best way I've found.

At 7, I took my explosive child to the GP, and by his 9th birthday he had diagnoses of dyslexia, dyspraxia and ASD. We get phases of moods, and there is a termly cycle. He's under the weather at the moment and had a humdinger of a blowout this evening. His normally sunny and placid sibling hasn't been vastly better either and neither has protested about an unusually early night!

Access to tech gives me greatest leverage. The default is a morning and evening tech allowence. Morning has to be earned by surviving the potential flashpoint of getting dressed, including critically, the dreaded socks. Tech is reduced for poor behaviour and increases can be awarded for helpful chores.

General grumpiness tends to result in chill out time in his room. It's phrased as his safe space/ quiet time rather than time out. I will talk to him when he's ready (there's no point before that!) Sometimes he'll just want my quiet presence if he's just tired and grouchy.

He needs quiet time after a day of battling, coping and masking through school. He struggles with any extension to the school day, but can handle out of school clubs after a buffer of quiet, food and drink. Hunger is a big trigger too. He needs warnings about transitions.

7 is an age when flashpoints often show up. With DS1, the extra jump of work and booster sessions building to SATS showed that up! DS2 seems to be feeling tiredness more than last year too even though his routines haven't changed.

My middle child (11) has meltdowns, frustration, anger etc. But, not at school. He's very repetitive if something's on his mind, good or bad. Best thing, stay calm and keep things simple. Quiet downtime looking at match attacks or whatever, until the steam has settled. The book you mention is good, certainly altered my way of thinking and my approach. Good luck, take it day by day.

Are you certain there is no SEN? I have two explosive DS. Eldest is 7 and begining diagnosis process. He reads at high school level. This isn't always in indicator of SEN. Youngest has a stutter and is selectively mute. It was only when youngest started school and flourished compared to his brother, we kind of realised our eldest needed support.

Choose your battles first of all I would say. Sometimes it's not worth the hastle.
Tiredness, hunger and over stimulation are definite triggers and you should take steps to actively avoid them reaching the 'Gremlin' stage with all of them.
After school and when they get home from the childminder is the danger time for us. Eldest needs to go and be on his own for half an hour on his own. Just to decompress. It's really best to just let them relax and unwind after school. It is a lot for them to reign it in all day.
Do things like homework etc first thing in the morning on weekends. Everyone (me included) has more energy and is more relaxed then for that.

I'd also recommend looking at your DC behaviour to look for patterns in their meltdowns. With my eldest, he doesn't adapt well to change, so we have to manage changes to routine etc. My youngest's behaviour is a way of trying to control situations he can't. It's usually meltdowns about getting ready for school or going somewhere he doesn't want to with him. Just going to the supermarket with him is a bloody effort.

I feel like a terrible parent writing this out. But my kids are exhausting. I also work full-time and probably have some undiagnosed issues myself (have a lot of similar traits to DS1). It's hard. But they are worth it and I love them to bits.

If you can find something stimulating yet regulating other than tech you will be forever grateful as tech can be quite addictive and cause rows when you try and limit it. We were lucky because ipads and mobile phones didnt really exist. Ds drug of choice was formula 1 racing, cars, lego and listening to music on cd like matilda, high school musical, tchaikowsky swanlake and nutcracker or muse. Dancing and singing or making car noises. Swimming also good. Dressing up and pretending. Listening to endless stories read aloud (horrendous haddock, adapted classics).read vehicle/train books to himself I.think found this soothing. Hated being interrupted or hurried and unable to do what was asked (ie get ready orget dressed) which we prempted by simplifying instructions so no please put tour shoes on we are going to be late it became
Sit on step. Here are your shoes. Lots of basic routine prompts and few random requests or explanations. Lots of jokes to smooth or frame more boring activities. And expectations of untidy unhelpful responses...I think the school day is like an exhausting day at work for them and they have no.energy left to be polite

We watched a lot of family.films and tv, and I think ds also found that quite regulating to watch with us rather than by himself, and chat with us about.story etc. Two siblings.

One of my children is a bit like this. Generally a good pleasant child but very very emotional, in particular he feels other people’s emotions very keenly and seems to struggle to distinguish between this and his own emotions. We found that giving him the language skills to vocalise and rationalise what is going on has really helped. We lead by example by telling him how he is making us feel and encouraging him to do the same. Once he’s calmed down enough we have a conversation about how our own feelings aren’t important enough to justify ruining our relationships with other people by behaving that way and pointing out how much better he is getting at managing his emotions, pointing out all the things he did well, telling him that if he keeps at it he’ll be in control the vast majority of the time etc. He’s gone from daily emotional explosions at age 3 to about once a month now six. We’re still working on teaching him to remove himself from the situation (he does that annoying thing where he follows you from room to room whining/yelling and it’s impossible to get away from him once it’s started).

I was exactly the same as a child and while I am still bothered a lot by other people’s emotions, and I still have a hell of a temper, I am generally very very good at hiding all of this. I slip up maybe four times a year (and when it does it’s momentary and doesn’t tend to go beyond intense blushing and maybe a snarky comment if I really loose it). Unfortunately some people are just very over emotional, we just have to learn to control it.

My explosive child is now 23 - I definitely found seeing his behaviour as a development delay in the areas of dealing with frustration & change (IIR correctly) helped me stay calmer. At 7, he used to be ready to explode by the time school was over, after the stresses of holding it in all day. He was well behaved at school. I sometimes had his backpack chucked at me when he came out the doors. Imagine the faces of the judgemental parents...sigh. I'd catch, cover up the behaviour, and give him a snack.

1. We set a timer for computer use as anything over 20 minutes was a nightmare for him to move to another activity.
2. We had him make a list of have to do & want to do items so he had something to look at when he couldn't think of anything but the activity we'd just made him stop.

3.* Before an event, we'd review what could happen, and discuss ways to deal with each eventuality. Preparation was key. No surprises, or at least control for as many as possible.

1. We taught him to recognize what he felt like before he completely lost it, and to use STOP (stop now and plan) - deep breaths, count to ten, think. We practised this when he wasn't stressed so it would be easier to find when he needed it.
2. I made sure he ate regularly
3. We avoided playing family board games
4. We had time out on the stairs with a thinking book (all the kids - got this from Supernanny). They'd sit and write in the book about what had happened and how it could have been better handled. I found the books recently and they've been enjoying reading them .
5. Interestingly, he was (and still is) highly competitive. Would stress about class groups being rewarded, player rewards at sports camps etc. It was great academically as he was totally self motivated to do well. He chose to do a solo competitive sport for 17 years and made great achievements, dealing well with competition stresses. No meltdowns when he was in control. He did do fairly well with sticker rewards - eg a sticker for each swim lesson, and a reward for every 20 stickers. He can swim without sinking and even does it voluntarily.

• I had a absolutely epic parental failure when we decided to surprise the kids AT THE AIRPORT with a trip to Disneyland when he was about 7. Massive flat out tantrum because he was going to miss PE, then took off running at top speed through the crowds. I tackled him at the entrance doors. I'm sure people are still talking about it. We caught the initial parts on video as we were filming to get the (delighted) reactions. Took about half an hour to calm down and I wasn't sure they'd let us on the plane. A few years later he told me he thought he would now be able to handle a similar surprise. I told him no, not now or ever again

Have you read Raising Your Spirited Child? There's some crossover between the two theories and some helpful management ideas.

Don't listen to anyone say it's parenting, though you can make it easier for both of you by learning some management strategies. My other 2 were not like him - they've had other issues. It's part of his personality, and in a way, all the early work we did together has helped him have a strong set of tools for dealing with various issues.

Sorry this is so long but wanted to let you know you're not alone.

This is so very helpful thank you all - my ds very similar.

While absolutely wonderful in many ways as he approaches 10 and the meltdowns get louder and I get more tired it's very inspiring to read thank you