To ask what you did with your explosive child?

[Heygirlheyboy]

Currently reading the book, just starting but would really appreciate other people's what works for their similar DC. I have one extremely cooperative easy DC so it's not a general parenting thing tho I do wonder if there's an element of learned behaviour in it as destructive, behaviour often gets a reaction. He has been given a lot of empathy and understanding as well as tougher love. Consequences and punishment mean absolutely nothing in terms of changing or improving the behaviour and simply breed more resentment in the short term in an already difficult situation. In school he is overall very very well behaved but the teacher can see the restrainrr steam coming out of his ears at times over perceived slights ie he can't stand being corrected and seems unable to see his own role ie his behaviour led to it. I am drained tonight after a partiiclarly horribel episode out of nowhere that blew up in seconds. For.now I have decided to attempt to remove the oxygen by not discussing afterwards and just gave a curt good night..He is 7 gets a lot of one on one with.both parents and I would say I have a incredibly close relautonship with him but I am fed up at what seems like incredibly disrespectful behaviour. Anyone with similar I would love your dos and donts for what works and doesnt.
Posted in chat but no response and would really love an ear.

I haven't read all the responses so apologies if duplicating! I posted something similar on here recently albeit for my child who is a bit younger. But the things that have worked for us - the use of 1,2,3 from magic 123 (though now he knows he has 2 extra chances! Grr!), managing diet and he also reacts better to emotions and pleasing people so if I know I'm heading into a tricky situation, I start with the 'if I can have a lovely little boy helping me with the shopping (or whatever), I am going to be so happy, my smile is going to reach my ears' or equally corny phrase!! And the most difficult part - patience, patience, patience to make sure I'm being consistent. I feel like I hit rock bottom where I think we were fueling each others behaviour so I dug deep - carved out bits of time for myself where I could that gave me some breathing space - just missing the odd bedtime helped me be able to tackle it more refreshed the next day! Hope that helps amd good luck!

I know it’s tough but I’m too on the learning curve. I have 5 dc, older 3 are 22,18,17. I never had any problems at all. Dc (4) has just been diagnosed with autism. Now I’m not suggesting your dc is autistic, but I’m learning all about triggers, management of outbursts etc. I’ve tried lots of things but the things which are working are, avoidance of certain triggers, ie going to a shop. My ds often gets stressed, demands unreasonably, and gets angry. So now I avoid taking him.
I never reprimand him as such. I sort of remain really calm, and simplify everything. Let him get cross but stay close by and say ‘ I’m here if you need help’ throwing breaks, hitting can hurt love. Don’t lecture, shout if you can help it. I found by talking calmly, he hears me far more quickly and clearly than if I raise my voice. If he wants to be alone, let him, but reassure him you’re close by when he’s ready.
I know it sounds easy or obvious, but it’s actually quite tricky sometimes, especially if other family members dive in with their input. It can overwhelm an already upset child and make them feel worse. If you’re usually close to him, it’s probably better if you deal with him on the majority of occasions.
Just try and praise even the smallest of good behaviour, ie sitting quietly, or taking a turn etc.
Your ds probably feels jyst as bad at being the ‘naughty, angry’ child as you do parenting him when he’s upset.
He’s still at a good age to have a cool reward chart. Maybe aim for something really good, ie special day out, new game etc, but with smaller treats along the way to keep him motivated, ie sweets, stickers.
Keep the chart positive, so no bad markers.
Hang in there. It can be really tough, but as long as you’ve covered all other bases, ie worries, SN, etc your ds will be great.

It’s a good book - getting my dc to come up with a solution with me to trigger points helped us. Of course it helps to have a range of gold solutions to discuss.

Routine helps reduce daily demands - put effort into having a solid routine and consistent standards.

Mine are under assessment for SN.

Thanks again for replies. Finished the book last night, glad to see I've been doing a lot right, tho it felt like letting him away with it. Unfortunately I know very well that my dh is a plan A person... this definitely escalated and ramps things up, which is a bit maddening. I've just calmed a total explosion which was avoidable. He is to read book, p preferably tonight!

Just checking in. I've now read both Explosive Child and Siblings without Rivalry. I've spotted some triggers and have upped letting him feel heard, acknowledging feelings and having some fun together. Things have improved and there was one explosion since last Monday. Time off has been a plus rather than a minus, so far! He can try to control but has reacted much better to the nos, when they come. Fingers crossed!

That sounds positive, OP! Fingers crossed it continues.

Yes.... I hope so! Dh still reading book and still making plenty of plan A comments, often in anger. It's as if he'll have to reset himself.

The rigidity part wouldn't have dawned on me before, but there is an element of that to his upset eg if plans or hopes change.

Do you feel he’s calmer at home without the extra stress of school? That’s also information, if so.

A short sharp spank on the bum every time he is disobedient, naughty etc. Be consistent. And explain why he is getting a spank.

Yes lentenwonder I do... he's not missing the rewards and punishments etc. He's really one who needs connection to learn what's OK and what's not..

Thankfully, in Ireland, it's illegal to hit a child, not that I would have considered it anyway.

Good joke, @eyesolated. You're funny.

twat

this is an old thread but you could be describing my 7 yo DS. Academically doing well, competitive about everything (although not particularly sporty to back it up), struggles to regulate his emotions, low frustration tolerance and adaptability. But also can be the sweetest child loves cuddles and being close. Did you look at ASD in the end?

the explosions are so difficult and can affect the whole day. It’s starting to impact at school and other activities too now. I’m trying to plan b but he’ll lose it in the moment and sometimes I think he gets embarrassed or feels shame about his reaction which almost makes him worse. If I ignore him follows me goading hitting etc. if I try and help I get the same.

Hi there.. No I didn't look into ASD. What I would say I did was employed some of the Explosive Child strategies which were similar to my instinct and my approach up to then anyway. I also continued to stay really close to him and build on our relationship while keeping boundaries v firm and making it clear the adults were in charge.

Two years after this post he had an awful year in school, didn't get on well socially and his teacher wasn't the teacher for him, shall we say. During that year he was v upset at times, mood was v low and he did some play therapy for 12 weeks.

Last year was 10x times better and this year has been 100x times better again. The friends who weren't bothered with him now think the world of him and he of them, real proper friendships, his teacher reports him to be incredibly respectful and hard working and he is doing v v well in sports - which I'd say has been a huge boost for him. He's also had v nurturing and disciplined coaches and great friendships within those teams when things weren't good in school. He's almost 13 now and we are as close as can be. I wish you all the best and will help if I can at all.

Controversial but I sought a diagnosis for him. My gut feeling was that something was causing this explosive behaviour, it was almost like he was bi-polar.
After nearly 9 months of assessments, school observations and statements from us and school, he was diagnosed with ASD when he was 11. The peadiatrician likened him to a glass that is nearly full, any little thing tips him over the edge and causes him to explode. 3 years old, his diagnosis has helped him and us hugely. He all know what can cause him to explode, it’s almost like a constant source of anxiety for him and the explosions are when it gets too much.

@mrsconradfisher I’ve never really considered that it could be some form of ND. I’ve always blamed myself splitting with his dad and trauma from that. The glass analogy is very him.

@Heygirlheyboy sorry to hear he had a tough time but lovely that he’s doing better. He sounds so very similar to my DS so hopefully he will finds his way too as he’s finding school and friends quite tricky at the moment.

thank you both for taking the time to reply.

BTW he can still be inclined to blow up but much much less and really when a situation is genuinely hard going. I am v mindful that I have to still work on that tho rare. I want to send him out into the world knowing what's ok and what's not! We have really navigated through quite a bit and I'm so glad to see a happy, confident boy now who still wants chats and hugs with his mum.

I hadn’t either but after seeing that his explosions was destroying his friendships, the sport that he loved and our family I knew I needed to get another opinion. He was always “hard work”, but what I put down to him being a difficult toddler, then finding it tough through Covid couldn’t really be explained away by the time he got to 11. The explosions weren’t getting bigger and more extreme. We paid privately but it was an NHS peadiatrician.