To snoop on DH?

[IceQueenie]

Background: married for 28 years (him 52, me 49), 5 DC (4 late teens/ adults, one primary age), no cheating history previously although he hid porn use for over 10 years. Early last year I had some suspicions as he started to get obsessive about losing the tiny amount of weight he was carrying on his belly and getting a six pack so he increased his gym time and started using lots of products on his hair/skin, wearing aftershave to work etc. We talked about it at length, had a few arguments as he insisted I was crazy but ultimately I had nothing to go on. He said he was ‘bored’, also that my weight gain had made me less attractive to him, so we both agreed we’d work on spicing up our relationship and I lost 4 stone but tbh it all feels a bit one sided(mine).

So I’ve noticed now he’s been glued to his phone again, seems very disinterested in family life, comes to bed very late and only instigates ‘intimate relations’ on the odd weekend morning as he wakes up with a hard on and I’m there (or that’s what it feels like). He seems to be entering a mid life crisis of sorts where he has expressed dissatisfaction with how his life has planned out and that others have done better than him.

I have noticed from his google history on our shared iPad, which is linked to our phones, that he is sending lots of texts including one at 2.41am a few weeks ago and then this morning at 6am. That wouldn’t be a relative/friend/work at that time.

We have never kept passwords secret for anything but I have seen in his emails that a few weeks ago he changed his mobile phone bill password as well as his Facebook password.

I want to check his phone bill to see who he’s texting but now can’t. I can only go in and try to access his phone bill by changing the password but would need access to his phone as it will message him to confirm the password change.

The only time I could get his phone is when he is asleep but our floorboards are extremely creaky and I can’t see that I’d be able to creep around his side of the bed and take it off the shelf on his side without waking him up!

So WIBU to try to do this? Any tips on how would be good too!

Don’t say just ask him as I’ve been there done that. Also don’t say, well the trust is gone if you have to do that so end the marriage! Cheating is a dealbreaker for me so it will end if I find out he is but I won’t end it after 28 years unless I know for definite he is.

I also won’t be taken for a mug though and want to protect myself.

AIBU?

YANBU snoop away I would

It sounds really really dodgy alright, he's probably changed the passcode on his phone too though if he's changed everything else. that's probably the first one he would have done tbf

It does sound suspicious tbh and it really bugs me when people say just ask him, like they are going to tell the truth fgs

I would absolutely snoop if I had suspicions

I dont think you're being unreasonable as it's a lot of signs at once, not just one thing. You could insist on him showing you his phone but only if you're sure you would leave if he didnt. Or try and watch him to see if you can see the passcode (no doubt he will have put one on / changed it if he has changed everything else). You could also ask to borrow his phone to make a quick call or Google something when you're out and yours has 'run out of battery'

Phone passcode has not changed. I ‘borrowed’ it last night but in front of him. Can’t do that to try to access his phone bill.

Phone passcode has not changed. I ‘borrowed’ it last night but in front of him. Can’t do that to try to access his phone bill.

Well if you're going to do it, do it sooner rather than later because if he is hiding something he probably shit himself when you took his phone and he probably will change it (if he is up to no good that is, he may not be)

I don't trust myself to give advice, but I hope it works out for you.

Do phone bills tell you anything, though? He could be using WhatsApp.

Where was he when he sent a text in the middle of the night? How did you know about it?

Do phone bills tell you anything, though? He could be using WhatsApp.

She said it was a text message, they show the phone number that texts were sent to on my phone bill anyway

Just creep round to his side of the bed and if he wakens just say his phone was lighting up and it disturbed you.

I would knock him out with valium, take the phone and use his unconscious thumb print to unlock :)

I did as had same suspicions as you, he wasn’t having an affair but was messaging numerous women, I’d taken photos of everything and emailed all to myself for about a year before I confronted him now getting divorced! He couldn’t see what the problem was!

Have you both got phone contracts together? Like on the same account? If so say that you wanted to check you haven’t gone over on your usage etc as you left your data running and a tab open while out and didn’t notice ... if he says ‘I’ll check’ ‘say ah no it’s no problem I’ll have a look and I can look at how much I’m using a month then aswell’ or something like that

Is there a window on his side of the room? Or a chest of drawers or something you could be going to if he woke up

From the history, he’s been staying up til the early hours which I had no idea about. Which makes it much more difficult to get his phone as I’d have to keep myself awake!

Totally fair enough to snoop in this situation. I had a look at my ex's emails which I could get access to (couldn't get access to his phone very easily) and found just a few emails there to the OW. Not many but enough to be 100% sure what he was doing! I'm sure they mostly texted but had sent the odd email - I could see he was baffled when I showed them to him as he couldn't even remember emailing her really.

Or anything else you could check from the shared ipad - Facebook? Any imessages that might be saved to his icloud? I'd go through it with a fine tooth comb.

Or anything else you could check from the shared ipad - Facebook? Any imessages that might be saved to his icloud? I'd go through it with a fine tooth comb.

Oh yeah, sometimes ipads will keep people logged in to FB

I'd spike his tea with a sleeping tablet and take the opportunity to go through everything.

@LurkerFinallyPosts nice and professional

If you can and and you feel you need to OP then go ahead. If you don’t find anything what then? Obviously if your do then dealbreaker as you said.

It does all sound rather suspicious, and he's playing on your trust up to a point, that you won't go snooping. Men are incredibly dumb in these scenarios! Although most women on Mumsnet are fully aware of mens devious ways 🙄 I don't think men have twigged just how on the ball women are now. (Wish I'd have had Mumsnet twenty years ago, not necessarily to catch my ex out but to help me through the fallout afterwards). So, even though it's proving tricky for you OP, the opportunity will arise, sooner or later.

Does he always take it to the bathroom with him?

It doesn't sound good to be honest. I would be checking the phone too.

@SkaLaLand

That's criminal!!

Spiking someone. Good god op. DONT do that. Good lord

Turn his phone text message and app settings on loud for all notifications, just before bed. Then when it goes off in the night, act as if it woke you up, ask who it was etc, and to see the messages. See how he reacts and don't take no for an answer.

I don’t know any of his work colleagues as he commutes an hour away (could be someone at work if there is someone). Only mentions male work colleagues so was surprised to learn a few months ago that there are quite a few women in the office who he has never mentioned. Occasionally late home home due to traffic or finishing work but not often enough to be a routine.

Can’t be someone from the gym as me and 3 of the DC are all members and DC see him there after work or he’ll join them/come with me.

He’s very cagey about money too. We have separate accounts. I’d love to go through his bank and credit card statements too (all online). I’d need to get his cards out of his wallet though and that would take some time to go through. He’s quite welcome to go through mine at any time of course and my phone bill.

Phone accounts are separate unfortunately.

I do have some Valium from a trapped nerve a few years ago. Just checked it’s still in date . He’d need quite a bit though to knock him out and I couldn’t live with myself if I overdosed him. Pretty sure he’d notice. Nice idea though!

En-suite in on his side of the room but the shelf where he keeps his phone is raised above his side of the bed so I’d have to hover over him and he normally faces that direction, that’s the problem .

I know if I ask him to show me himself, he’ll refuse and say I’m paranoid and maybe I am but I think there’s enough red flags going on to be?

Also is shaving pubes really an affair red flag? Read it on a thread on here. Do many men do it in his age range?