To snoop on DH?

[IceQueenie]

Background: married for 28 years (him 52, me 49), 5 DC (4 late teens/ adults, one primary age), no cheating history previously although he hid porn use for over 10 years. Early last year I had some suspicions as he started to get obsessive about losing the tiny amount of weight he was carrying on his belly and getting a six pack so he increased his gym time and started using lots of products on his hair/skin, wearing aftershave to work etc. We talked about it at length, had a few arguments as he insisted I was crazy but ultimately I had nothing to go on. He said he was ‘bored’, also that my weight gain had made me less attractive to him, so we both agreed we’d work on spicing up our relationship and I lost 4 stone but tbh it all feels a bit one sided(mine).

So I’ve noticed now he’s been glued to his phone again, seems very disinterested in family life, comes to bed very late and only instigates ‘intimate relations’ on the odd weekend morning as he wakes up with a hard on and I’m there (or that’s what it feels like). He seems to be entering a mid life crisis of sorts where he has expressed dissatisfaction with how his life has planned out and that others have done better than him.

I have noticed from his google history on our shared iPad, which is linked to our phones, that he is sending lots of texts including one at 2.41am a few weeks ago and then this morning at 6am. That wouldn’t be a relative/friend/work at that time.

We have never kept passwords secret for anything but I have seen in his emails that a few weeks ago he changed his mobile phone bill password as well as his Facebook password.

I want to check his phone bill to see who he’s texting but now can’t. I can only go in and try to access his phone bill by changing the password but would need access to his phone as it will message him to confirm the password change.

The only time I could get his phone is when he is asleep but our floorboards are extremely creaky and I can’t see that I’d be able to creep around his side of the bed and take it off the shelf on his side without waking him up!

So WIBU to try to do this? Any tips on how would be good too!

Don’t say just ask him as I’ve been there done that. Also don’t say, well the trust is gone if you have to do that so end the marriage! Cheating is a dealbreaker for me so it will end if I find out he is but I won’t end it after 28 years unless I know for definite he is.

I also won’t be taken for a mug though and want to protect myself.

AIBU?

Oh I'm really sorry you're going through this. The stress of how to confirm your suspicion is a very heavy weight on your mind.
I say 'confirm' because it looks absolutely certain from here that he doing what you fear.
Get your shit together and prepare for the worst.
I'm sorry xxx

I think the idea of putting his phone on loud is genius

Why don't you turn the volume off on his phone, hide it and then ask him to go to the shop for something. Or hide it just before he has to leave for work so he has to go without his phone leaving you to snoop all day.

For goodness sake, you're a grown up. Just tell him to stop messing you around and be honest about what he's doing.

I had some issues with my partner and onlyfans I also caught him ‘just looking’ on fab swingers🤦🏽‍♀️ I used to lay it on thick all might about how shit I felt then wake him up in the night to go and grab a glass of water and paracetamols or whatever, I’d move paracetamol to a different cupboard to buy myself time and quickly snoop while he was downstairs. Could try that! Looking at what you’ve said tho that’s a lot of red flags, really hoping for your sake this is all innocent!

Why don't you leave your phone downstairs in the furthest room, maybe even put it somewhere obscure like in a wash basket so it's not dead obvious where it is (will buy you time). After your both settled in bed, ask to borrow his phone for the torch so you can nip back down without putting all lights back on to find/grab it so it can charge overnight. On your way down unlock the phone and if an iPhone, double click to see previous loaded apps in order (this is important as he will know he last went on WhatsApp say before handing you the phone so make sure when you go back up, you reload and close Whatsapp) and have a quick look at text message names/Whatsapp convo names.

@DruryLanePenance

What a genius. I have never ever heard this suggested or thought
Of it, and it’s so simple and so perfect!

@Zerofucks1
The problem with this idea is if he takes his phone with him!

I'd say you have 'probable cause', snoop away.

Lots of good suggestions on 'how to'. I'd probably, grab his phone and sprint to the bathroom and lock myself in.

I would leave your phone downstairs then get up at night to go to the loo. Grab his phone as quick as you can and head to the bathroom. If he wakes say sorry mines downstairs really bad tummy so want to look at net. You can move quickly as bad tummy need for urgency. Lock door and make moaning wrenching noises as needed. I promise I’ll lock it.
If he’s innocent and he is annoyed you can be like ‘sorry I will get the bloody hand sanitizer and clean your phone’

I

Wash it not lock it

I'd look at the phone asap. And lock yourself in the loo.if u find anything send it to somewhere or someone where he cant delete it.
It's awful not knowing and I totally get your need to find out one way or the other. It does sound dodgy from what you've said.

Does he ever go to the loo during the night?

All sounds very suspicious!

Does his phone have fingerprint/face recognition? If you know his code you could add your fingerprint/face to buy yourself some time. He can change the code as often as he wants then and you'd still have access.

OP do you both drink? How about a date night under the guise of working harder at your relationship, missing him and just wanting to let out some steam and relax, promises of naughty saucy stuff and a hotel room perhaps and just ply him with drinks and water down yours. When he is out like a light you can go through his phone

If your iPad is linked to the phone and you can see there have been late night communications, I would bring it up and ask him about it. Like who on earth were you texting at 2am on friday. If he says it isn't him then you could ask him for his account password so you can see what other "false" activity there has been so you can raise a dispute with the phone company on his behalf?

I knew what you Going through We are in the same boat here. My story mirrors yours . I know it’s hard to believe after such a long marriage , but be open to that possibility.

He was so attached to the phone , but would leave it unattended when he went in to the bath. That’s my time to look and I found more than I could ever had imagined. Look on what’s app especially and any other gmail accounts he may have .

What will you do if you find nothing suspicious? He will know his password has been changed as he won’t be able to access his account anymore, plus he’ll probably get and email confirmation so you’d have to delete that too (if you can access that account - if not another one you’ll need to break into)

Seems like a lot of trouble for someone you trust and like so little that you’d be willing to do this. Just leave him, he’s either cheating on you or he isn’t, but you clearly have no respect for him. So this isn’t a relationship anymore

Put a tracker on his car

I would ask him outright about it. Tell him you want to see his phone there and then, with him present. That way he has no time to delete anything. If he gets defensive and refuses, I'd say you have your answer. Sorry this is happening to you. 28 years is a long time to spend with someone.

If he backs his phone up regularly there is software that you can use sometimes remotely or just by having it plugged into the computer/laptop. It’s meant for recovering lost information but obviously also works for uncovering secrets.

And by the nature it recovers the deleted stuff too.

Shaving his pubes? Massive red flag. Tell him you've got an std and ask him how to explain it, and insist you see his phone, bank accounts etc or he's out the door. Nothing to hide, he will show you everything. Something to hide, he will minimise and make you out to be paranoid.

Double standards, Mumsnet?

If poster suspected that her DH was snooping on her emails and texts, this would be domestic abuse, controlling behaviour, LTB!