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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To snoop on DH?

100 replies

IceQueenie · 11/03/2020 16:37

Background: married for 28 years (him 52, me 49), 5 DC (4 late teens/ adults, one primary age), no cheating history previously although he hid porn use for over 10 years. Early last year I had some suspicions as he started to get obsessive about losing the tiny amount of weight he was carrying on his belly and getting a six pack so he increased his gym time and started using lots of products on his hair/skin, wearing aftershave to work etc. We talked about it at length, had a few arguments as he insisted I was crazy but ultimately I had nothing to go on. He said he was ‘bored’, also that my weight gain had made me less attractive to him, so we both agreed we’d work on spicing up our relationship and I lost 4 stone but tbh it all feels a bit one sided(mine).

So I’ve noticed now he’s been glued to his phone again, seems very disinterested in family life, comes to bed very late and only instigates ‘intimate relations’ on the odd weekend morning as he wakes up with a hard on and I’m there (or that’s what it feels like). He seems to be entering a mid life crisis of sorts where he has expressed dissatisfaction with how his life has planned out and that others have done better than him.

I have noticed from his google history on our shared iPad, which is linked to our phones, that he is sending lots of texts including one at 2.41am a few weeks ago and then this morning at 6am. That wouldn’t be a relative/friend/work at that time.

We have never kept passwords secret for anything but I have seen in his emails that a few weeks ago he changed his mobile phone bill password as well as his Facebook password.

I want to check his phone bill to see who he’s texting but now can’t. I can only go in and try to access his phone bill by changing the password but would need access to his phone as it will message him to confirm the password change.

The only time I could get his phone is when he is asleep but our floorboards are extremely creaky and I can’t see that I’d be able to creep around his side of the bed and take it off the shelf on his side without waking him up!

So WIBU to try to do this? Any tips on how would be good too!

Don’t say just ask him as I’ve been there done that. Also don’t say, well the trust is gone if you have to do that so end the marriage! Cheating is a dealbreaker for me so it will end if I find out he is but I won’t end it after 28 years unless I know for definite he is.

I also won’t be taken for a mug though and want to protect myself.

AIBU?

OP posts:
EngagedAgain · 11/03/2020 17:44

Drury, good idea!

GiveHerHellFromUs · 11/03/2020 17:46

If he refuses and tells you you're paranoid tell him to prove it. Better than snooping behind his back.

Redda · 11/03/2020 18:07

You need to borrow his phone for longer, can you let your phone battery die then get up at 2am pretending to feel sick (mention feeling a bit grotty before you go to bed to make it sound even more plausible) then borrow his phone to 'keep your mind off the nausea' and go lock yourself in the bathroom for as long as necessary - you may actually throw up if you find anything incriminating and I'm sure you're feeling pretty ill right now, so not exactly a lie

arethereanyleftatall · 11/03/2020 18:21

I'll share something with you you might not want to hear. I became single 6 months ago, and a short while after got on tinder. I'm a regular on it now, and know the ins and outs. I am amazed at the amount of men who appear at approx 10pm at night (I've figured wife gone to bed time), flirt and possibly sext outrageously for a night, then have disappeared by the morning. I presume they do their stuff, then delete their account, and start again with someone else the next night. It's scarily easy to do. The first time I did it, I was flabbergasted that within 5 minutes of downloading the app I was chatting to some stranger.

Oxo01 · 11/03/2020 18:49

Can you not follow him when he says he's going out and you think he's meeting someone ? Or do you think it's just texting each other at moment ?
If you can see the number he's calling or calling him you can do some detective work.

OhLook · 11/03/2020 18:53

I hate to say it, but is there any need for proof? What else could this possibly be?

Lifeisabeach09 · 11/03/2020 18:55

Red flags galore.
Does he sleep deeper with booze? Can you get him drunk whilst you stay sober?

dontgobaconmyheart · 11/03/2020 18:58

Sounds pretty blatant OP, he's not shaving his pubes etc (vom) for you is he. I would find a way to snoop, wait till he's asleep and go lock yourself in the bathroom or take the car out and look. Surely if he is up all night texting you can catch him out doing it- very obviously nobody texts friends or colleagues in the early hours

OhLook · 11/03/2020 19:01

Why does she need to snoop though? He's obviously cheating. Really, blatantly obviously.

You don't need evidence, it's not a court of law. You know he's cheating on you. Just tell him it's over.

GertrudeCB · 11/03/2020 19:04

Does he take the phone with him when he showers?

arethereanyleftatall · 11/03/2020 19:10

Oh god, just read about the shaved pubes. Lots of men feel the need to share photos of their cocks on tinder.

lowlandLucky · 11/03/2020 19:16

He maybe cheating or he could be using online gambling sites

mimimonster123 · 11/03/2020 19:20

Turn his phone text message and app settings on loud for all notifications, just before bed. Then when it goes off in the night, act as if it woke you up, ask who it was etc, and to see the messages. See how he reacts and don't take no for an answer.

THIS
deffo do this

Newnameforeverypost · 11/03/2020 19:21

[Blush] i thought @SkaLaLand 's spiking him with sleeping tablets was genious!

Notimeforaname · 11/03/2020 19:33

Yep, the shaving of the pubes (eugh) obviously isn't for you

As a PP has said, many men share dick pics on apps and sites, my guess is that's what he's doing.

It's fairly unlikely he is physically cheating on you with someone(yet) as he doesn't have a routine of going out.... but come on, the txting at all hours of the night, the password changes, the pubes.. 😩
He's obviously bored with his life and has lost all respect for you and his kids.
Sorry OP

RainbowBrite11 · 11/03/2020 19:40

Hi Op,
I don't know how you do it but if he's got an iPhone can you change the settings on it so his messages go on both the shared iPad and his phone?? When I got a new iPhone for some reason my text went on my iPad too. If you share the same iTunes account/ cloud.

allyouneedis · 11/03/2020 19:56

If he has nothing to hide then he’ll show you, paranoid or not.

SkaLaLand · 11/03/2020 20:23

To be clear, as it seems my tone was lost. I was being sarcastic.

Op, you KNOW something is wrong.

What would happen do you think if you just told him that you know what's been going on and see what he says?

Mamalifeee · 11/03/2020 20:26

Actually what @RainbowBrite11 said! Just create a excuse that you need to relog in on the iPad etc and need to use his phone or something along those line and then have messages coming through the iPad but turn of notifications while he’s home then if he stays up while your in bed take it to bed and have a look what’s going on

DuploTower · 11/03/2020 20:32

You could just have an affair yourself OP

Notimeforaname · 11/03/2020 20:36

You could just have an affair yourself
Hmm
Brilliant that'll sort it.

DuploTower · 11/03/2020 20:37

Why not?

If you would want to that is.

Neverender · 11/03/2020 20:42

I'd ask for the password to, "Try and reduce your bills..." go on about money supermarket or some such or something you've heard on this morning - they're so arrogant he won't even notice

jay55 · 11/03/2020 20:47

You don't trust him. So what do you want, confirmation you're right or confirmation you're paranoid?
It sounds like the relationship isn't working for you whether he's cheating or not.

SparklesAllOver · 11/03/2020 20:50

Talk to him, being together that long will mean you know him well enough whether he tells the truth or not.

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