To snoop on DH?

[IceQueenie]

Background: married for 28 years (him 52, me 49), 5 DC (4 late teens/ adults, one primary age), no cheating history previously although he hid porn use for over 10 years. Early last year I had some suspicions as he started to get obsessive about losing the tiny amount of weight he was carrying on his belly and getting a six pack so he increased his gym time and started using lots of products on his hair/skin, wearing aftershave to work etc. We talked about it at length, had a few arguments as he insisted I was crazy but ultimately I had nothing to go on. He said he was ‘bored’, also that my weight gain had made me less attractive to him, so we both agreed we’d work on spicing up our relationship and I lost 4 stone but tbh it all feels a bit one sided(mine).

So I’ve noticed now he’s been glued to his phone again, seems very disinterested in family life, comes to bed very late and only instigates ‘intimate relations’ on the odd weekend morning as he wakes up with a hard on and I’m there (or that’s what it feels like). He seems to be entering a mid life crisis of sorts where he has expressed dissatisfaction with how his life has planned out and that others have done better than him.

I have noticed from his google history on our shared iPad, which is linked to our phones, that he is sending lots of texts including one at 2.41am a few weeks ago and then this morning at 6am. That wouldn’t be a relative/friend/work at that time.

We have never kept passwords secret for anything but I have seen in his emails that a few weeks ago he changed his mobile phone bill password as well as his Facebook password.

I want to check his phone bill to see who he’s texting but now can’t. I can only go in and try to access his phone bill by changing the password but would need access to his phone as it will message him to confirm the password change.

The only time I could get his phone is when he is asleep but our floorboards are extremely creaky and I can’t see that I’d be able to creep around his side of the bed and take it off the shelf on his side without waking him up!

So WIBU to try to do this? Any tips on how would be good too!

Don’t say just ask him as I’ve been there done that. Also don’t say, well the trust is gone if you have to do that so end the marriage! Cheating is a dealbreaker for me so it will end if I find out he is but I won’t end it after 28 years unless I know for definite he is.

I also won’t be taken for a mug though and want to protect myself.

AIBU?

If my partner didn't trust me to the extent he had to snoop it would be over. If my partner said he had an STD he would be out the door before I had the chance to show him my phone, minimize and call him paranoid.

For goodness sake, you're a grown up. Just tell him to stop messing you around and be honest about what he's doing.

You've never been cheated on before, have you?

@outnumberedmummy @crispysausagerolls

These are definitely red flags, truly sorry, as hard as it is, take a breath stay calm, and do all you can to protect yourself and your children.

Shaving his pubes? Massive red flag. Tell him you've got an std and ask him how to explain it, and insist you see his phone, bank accounts etc or he's out the door. Nothing to hide, he will show you everything. Something to hide, he will minimise and make you out to be paranoid

Are you mentally ill? Just suppose he's NOT cheating. Now OP has to explain how she caught an STD!

Get him pass out drunk. He won't wake when you go on his side of the bed then. Alternatively leave something of yours on his side of the bed and get up much earlier than he does, or combination of both.

Just as an update I’ve managed to get into his Facebook as it will still open on the iPad! Nothing fishy in his friends list but I see on messenger he had blocked a woman (not from the UK) a few days ago which is very odd as I’ve never known him block anyone. She’s not a Facebook friend of his. From her profile she looks normal and like she has DC. If she was spamming him I’d have thought he would have mentioned it.

He also has the secret conversations setting on in messenger. From what I read he must have activated it as it’s not a default. Is it possible he could have a secret conversation with someone not on his friends list?

I also found today that he’d searched for a dating app via google play last year. It’s called idates. Nothing further showing in his history but I would be naive not to assume he downloaded the app I suppose which then wouldn’t show up on google history. I expect he’ll just say he was having a joke with his workmates as it would have been when he was at work.

I shall be getting hold of his phone over the weekend but it’s looking likely that I need to get my ducks in a row and about time too as I think I’ve known in my gut for a while but haven’t been ready to deal with it until now. Only want something concrete so I know the DC’s lives aren’t going to be affected just for suspicion.

My empathies for those who have been through this sorry mess too.

If you get onto his phone.... and if you find out he's on an app eg tinder or fab swingers, set up a fake profile so you can monitor him. See if he contacts you or vice versa.

He Def sounds like he's up to something

I'm afraid this is very familiar, I personally regret not snooping more when I first suspected, if you can afford it I would pay a professional to check him out, I should have had my exH followed, I wouldn't hesitate if I was in that position again.

What is the pube shaving about? When exH and I split I was suspicious and searched his stuff. I found razors hidden in his work bag (he used an electric shaver for his face). My beautician said it's because men shave their pubes to look bigger (he'd never done this when we were together), is this right?

I am disgusted at the suggestions of drugging him or getting him drunk. A man would (rightly) be utterly vilified if he did either of those to a woman in order to search her phone. Disgusting double standard.

It's fairly obvious OP. I hope you find proof to put your mind at rest.

I have read through all the comments some are hilarious and I’m hoping only happen on tv shows. You have been with this man for a long time if you say “I saw that you sent a text early hours of the morning on such and such day what was that about? I don’t mean to be paranoid but it has been playing on my mind a lot and I’m worried” if your dh is entirely innocent he will say something along the lines of “i don’t know shall we look? Then look together through his phone then find send text and it was “Harold” from work who’s going through some issues right now or whoever else innocent it was for whatever reason. If you are met with I dunno and sullenness there’s obviously something to hide. If the answer is why are you being so paranoid etc then he is doing the dirty. Personally my reaction to my partner if he said that would be if I knew what it was instantly get the message up on my phone to show then explain the lateness. If I didn’t I would say what time and day and we will check to put your mind at rest. Unless it’s a constant paranoia issue after that many years it should be quite easy to put his wife’s mind at rest take all of 5 minutes and help improve your relationship you can tell him that as well if he can’t show you a couple of text messages and take 5 minutes of his time to help his own wife feel better then what’s the point in the relationship? I know he could lie etc when you ask him but you could add is there any chance I could see the message myself because otherwise it’s just going to keep in my mind and drive me nuts. Fingers crossed for you op.

The shaving stuff is definitely a big Hello moment . Could you put a tracker on his phone ? He wouldn’t even know. So sorry to hear your turmoil. The phone is your best lead than any private detective will be . He probably will have other email accounts as well . I know all to well the need to get your evidence . Even when you get the evidence you will still be conflicted after such a long time together . Good luck and look after yourself x

I'm sorry OP. He is up to somthing.

If you still think he will deny and gaslight.... I would do what a PP has said(if you find a dating app he is active on) and make a profile contacting him, to see if he replies.

Years ago my friends mum did this with her partner(they were not living together though) she suspected he was cheating, she found him on an app, made a fake profile, she carried it on for weeks, planning meet ups with him then cancelling at the last minute... Having lots of conversations with him, even getting herself another sim card and cheap phone when he asked to come off the app to text message......

Then one day she printed out all of their chats, the pictures he'd sent, put them in an envelope with the cheap phone and gave it to him as he was leaving to go home that night ... Telling him she had some difficult things she'd wanted to get off her chest but prefered to write it down.

She asked him to wait til he got home to read it(knowing full well he would open it as soon as he got into his car outside)

5 minutes later he was banging on the door calling her devious and all sorts of names. Funny that 🙄

Honestly, I think he sounds like a complete jerk regardless of whether he's cheating or not. He doesn't sound very involved in the the marriage, he puts you down because of your weight, seems to put in less effort than you do and he's making you feel bad about yourself without caring about it.

I think you deserve better!

Of course she deserves better. No one is disputing that.
She also wants to know exactly what's going on which is fair enough.
Good luck op, keep digging.

I didn't say anyone was disputing that.
I wanted to add that part because the advice I would give in regards to the cheating would basically be a repeat of what a lot of people have said already. Not many people have mentioned how poorly he's treating her regardless of the cheating.

Sorry to hear this OP. It absolutely sounds like something is up, increased personal grooming and phone nonsense are big red flags. Without solid proof you can't make a decision, he might only be doing stuff online as in creating profiles/sexting/sending pics for attention etc...still not cool at all but I think you are going to have to get some real evidence. I would absolutely snoop. There is a way you can search keywords throughout your whole phone, it will identify all instances in apps/online searches. This is good if you do manage to get hold of the phone and need to be quick. You might need to Google how to as I'm not sure how to do on iPhone. It's shit but better to know rather than bury your head. All the best x

@Qwerty543

You are actually quite right. I take back my advice about getting him drunk to look through his phone.

I have been in an abusive relationship and continuously gaslit and upon closer inspection of my reasoning- I would feel.violated if someone knowingly did that to me.

Hands up, I am completely wrong to have suggested it

Tell him you've got an std

In a thread full of stupid shit this one takes the biscuit

"I've got an std!"
"Don't let the door hit you on the way out then you dirty little bugger"

Would be how that conversation went in our house

i go through phases of wanting to look a bit better, trying to lose weight, getting hair cut etc - it's never because of someone else.

genital grooming though? that's only for one reason, surely?
and if he's not recently ramped up his interest in you, i think that says quite a lot.

and are dick pics really that common on OLD?
i though that was just like a bit of a joke thing?
do women ask for them? or is it just a ridiculous male ego thing?

suggestive photos in some sexy calvin kleins, i could sort of understand - bit cheeky, hint of something naughtier

but just a shot of your wang? yuk. no thanks.

I would probably email the woman he blocked....

Sad update, sorry OP.

Erm we usually don't ask for them! 😂

I wouldn't be requesting passwords or asking to borrow his phone now that you've managed to snoop a little. As you said, you're suspicious enough to start getting ducks in a row.

I would bide my time, carry on as usual, carry on with ducks and keep snooping when you can for something concrete.

Good luck

Whatever outcome you decide ,this is a good article to read to bring another perspective . I’m not advocating not getting divorce but it’s a big decision that you I should not rush into

It sounds like he is already on the prowl and it’s causing you to have reason .

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