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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect to be completely adored?

102 replies

Beesmakehoneydontthey · 11/03/2020 10:38

My partner of three years and I live together. We have a great relationship in almost every way BUT he is useless at talking about feelings or the future.

If I ask him about a future visit to his parents (who live abroad) I say 'if you want me to come with you' and he will reply 'obviously' (We've been twice), but he never gushes or over-enthuses like I do, about anything. I'm very expressive about almost everything, he says I'm 'impulsive' which he says can be a positive but not always, and he is the opposite.

He is very dependable and solid, but the times when he used to send me messages whilst I was at work (and vice-versa) saying I was amazing and how much he loves me have completely dried up.

Yes he gets me flowers and we cuddle and have sex but he just seems a bit vacant now (that said we stayed up chatting and laughing far too late last night). Sorry this is coming across as a bit self-indulgent but I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders at the moment. He also never compliments me, something I find weird.

This is making me feel insecure and a bit clingy, qualities I don't admire in myself but am prone to , especially if I feel scared he doesn't love me as much. How can I calm down a bit and stop thinking the worst?

I want to be completely loved and adored as I feel I deserve this but am I expecting too much?

OP posts:

JigsawsAreInPieces · 11/03/2020 10:42

You can't live your life in a permanent honeymoon phase.

Bartlet · 11/03/2020 10:42

Well you don’t seem very compatible. You appear awfully needy (possibly due to other stuff going on in your life which you mention). He appears to be more of a deeds rather than words type guy.

You can’t change him and you don’t seem to like the person that he is. Can you see much of a future?

Sunflowersok · 11/03/2020 10:42

I think the buzz of most relationships dry up after some time but it’s reminding yourself that you need to pick up the effort when it does.

Have you spoke to him over how it makes you feel?

monkey1978 · 11/03/2020 10:43

Do you completely love and adore him and show him that?
I can see what you mean as how he acts has changed but you should know by his actions he loves and adores you not just by his words.

Sirzy · 11/03/2020 10:46

It sounds like your stuck in the honeymoon phase.

I would struggle much more with your overbearing ness than his more laid back approach personally

KonTikki · 11/03/2020 10:51

He gives you flowers !!!
How else can he possibly Express his feelings for you ??

Umberta · 11/03/2020 10:53

Look up what Love Languages are. Not everyone expresses their love in words or fluffy gifts.

Pukkatea · 11/03/2020 10:53

You're sounding very dramatic about a completely normal sounding dynamic.

LauraKsWhiteCoat · 11/03/2020 10:55

Tell him how you feel.

It sounds like you have a great, normal relationship but he's maybe not quite as good at showing his feelings as you are. Tell him you need to know you're loved. And do the same for him - lead by example.

DruryLanePenance · 11/03/2020 10:55

Expect more than this. Even if it takes longer to find. It is worth it!!

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/03/2020 10:59

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders at the moment. Why? And is he supportive?

I don’t think three years in means the honeymoon is over, if you’re with the right person. You’re clearly very different and need to communicate and/or understand each other better. Look up the 5 languages of love, it’s very useful.

Thekindyoufindinasecondhand · 11/03/2020 11:06

Life isn't a Disney movie (unfortunately). Some men show their love differently than the way we think it should be displayed.

I've had exes who were overbearing and constantly ramming it down my throat how much they 'loved me' then never showing it. One who never said he loved me, but showed it in other ways. My DH does a bit of both, tells me sometimes and displays it regularly.

The honeymoon phase is a real thing, it comes down do if you are still happy when that fades. It should be replaced with a deep and meaningful connection that perhaps replaces the fantastically romantic adoring phase of the first 2/3 years.

IckyIsAFuckingStupidWord · 11/03/2020 11:07

I want to be completely loved and adored as I feel I deserve this

Thesearmsofmine · 11/03/2020 11:11

Relationships change over time and people are different.
Personally I couldn’t stand to have someone constantly constantly gushing over me, it sounds like hard work.

Dozer · 11/03/2020 11:14

What do you mean “loved” and “adored”?

If you would like him to do certain things, tell him! Bring up the future and express your thoughts and feelings about that, and see if he agrees.

Worth reflecting on how much of this is the early days being long gone, and how much it’s about how he now treats you / you treat each other.

It may be that your expectations are unrealistic, or that he’s no longer that into you.

Dozer · 11/03/2020 11:15

Lots of people don’t “gush” or send sloppy texts but express love and care in other ways.

lilyheather1 · 11/03/2020 11:20

My husband and I still send multiple "I love you" texts a day but we're both equally as affectionate and forthcoming with our feelings. We've been together a long time and I still get butterflies when he comes home from work, but that's because we both work at making each other feel wanted and needed. You say you want that from him but how much are you providing it yourself? It may be that perhaps the qualities you look for aren't his "love language" and that's ok, as long as you're happy that this could be your new dyanimc. Otherwise you will need to have a very open and fank discussion with him.

GreenOlivesinGin · 11/03/2020 11:20

It sounds a bit like my DH and me! Different people have different ways of experiencing and showing love and affection. The way he feels and shows love is not the way you expect or need to receive it - and possibly vice versa? If you can understand and accept that he is showing you love in his own way, you can maybe start feeling more secure and satisfied in your relationship. I did - it did take some time but it was worth it, now I am so happy and content in my relationship. Or, maybe this is not enough for you and you need your relationship to be a particular way in order to be happy, even if it means it won't be with your DP.

pallasathena · 11/03/2020 11:25

You have a rather childlike view of life OP which comes across as very needy and seriously immature.
Instead of focusing on what you 'think', you don't have, start focusing on what you really do have. And you appear to have a lovely man in your life who loves and respects you.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 11/03/2020 11:26

Oh my God I would be horrified to be with someone who was all lovey dovey all the time. I know people who get so turned off by all this that the relationship failed. A good relationship is more about a partnership in life than mutual adoration, pass the sickbag

strawberrylipgloss · 11/03/2020 11:27

Google "7 languages of live"

People show their love in different ways.
Some people like receiving gifts.
Others like being told they are loved.
Others like their partner to do thoughtful stuff.

You are not unreasonable to see compliments as proof of his love and him not telling you how much he adores you isn't necessarily because he doesn't love you. It sounds like he shows love by doing stuff (flowers, cuddles etc)

In an ideaL world you'd both show love in the way that the other likes but maybe he doesn't realise that you'd rather verbal affirmations than actions?

PineappleDanish · 11/03/2020 11:32

he never gushes or over-enthuses like I do,

He's not like you. You can't make him like you. He is probably posting somewhere on Dadsnet about his needy partner. The whole needing to be adored and worshipped thing is really odd, and a bit teenagey. Relationships which really work are about a lot more than that.

mummymog · 11/03/2020 11:32

Have you looked up the love languages? The idea is that we each express love in different ways, I'm guessing yours are words and qualify time.

Your OH seems to be more touch? (At a blind guess). Look it up anyway, maybe it'll help you to see he does love you he just shows it differently?

CruCru · 11/03/2020 11:33

This is an interesting thread. The idea of going out with someone who feels that they deserve to be completely loved and adored makes me feel rather claustrophobic. However, this may just be me.

In your first paragraph, you've said that your partner is useless at talking about feelings or the future. I wonder if this has made you insecure, particularly if you are about 30ish and at a point where you'd expect to be thinking about getting married and having children.

Perhaps it's time for a matter of fact conversation about what his (and your) expectations are. By this, I mean where you expect to be in three year's time, rather than that you expect him to text you to say how marvellous you are.

adaline · 11/03/2020 11:34

You sound very needy. My DH used to send me romantic texts at work but we didn't live together then and only saw each other once or twice. week. Now we live together I'd wonder what he'd been smoking if e started doing it again

I wonder - do you make him feel loved and adored? Do you send him gushing messages at work everyday?

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