To expect to be completely adored?

[Beesmakehoneydontthey]

My partner of three years and I live together. We have a great relationship in almost every way BUT he is useless at talking about feelings or the future.

If I ask him about a future visit to his parents (who live abroad) I say 'if you want me to come with you' and he will reply 'obviously' (We've been twice), but he never gushes or over-enthuses like I do, about anything. I'm very expressive about almost everything, he says I'm 'impulsive' which he says can be a positive but not always, and he is the opposite.

He is very dependable and solid, but the times when he used to send me messages whilst I was at work (and vice-versa) saying I was amazing and how much he loves me have completely dried up.

Yes he gets me flowers and we cuddle and have sex but he just seems a bit vacant now (that said we stayed up chatting and laughing far too late last night). Sorry this is coming across as a bit self-indulgent but I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders at the moment. He also never compliments me, something I find weird.

This is making me feel insecure and a bit clingy, qualities I don't admire in myself but am prone to , especially if I feel scared he doesn't love me as much. How can I calm down a bit and stop thinking the worst?

I want to be completely loved and adored as I feel I deserve this but am I expecting too much?

The problem here is that the OP can be just needy.
Or it can be that her DP has distanced himself or is incapable of true intimacy.
I am living with someone who doesnt/cant do intimacy. Its really hard work and will destroy your self esteem/make yourself doubt.

I am finding it hard to see from her post if this is one or the other.

Btw, I think @Beesmakehoneydontthey YANBU

I d think that, in a good relationhsip, even after the honeymoon phase, you should feel loved and cherish. This will not come out as flowers and constant love you. But you should be feeling loved by your partner.
If you dont, then there is an issue.

I take your point but I would point out that you have no idea who my friends and acquaintances are!!

Anyone who actually WAS 'friends' with the DoS wouldn't dream of coming out with this 'you don't know who I am' bollocks.

You might just be incompatible. I can be a bit like you have described. Luckily my dh sometimes wanders to me - and sometimes tells me I'm being ridiculous. Just have a chat about it.

Panders not wanders!! Ffs.

I think that people thinking like this is why a lot of relationships end.

The honeymoon period ends eventually but the relationship should settle into a nice comfortable thing.

Of course you still have to fancy each other and enjoy spending time together etc, but, for example, I love that my husband can go to a food shop and pick something that I'll love even if I've never even thought about trying it before. In fact, thinking about it now, all of my favourite foods are things he's told me to try.

It's about knowing someone inside out and loving them faults and all.

It's the little things like that, if that makes sense. Grand gestures can be fun, but they're nothing if there's nothing to back it up.

This is an interesting thread. The idea of going out with someone who feels that they deserve to be completely loved and adored makes me feel rather claustrophobic. However, this may just be me.
Nope, me as well. I prefer humans over gods ;)

I think that’s just a language thing. The OP admits she speaks in flourishing terms.

I’d be really annoyed by being brought coffee or tea in bed. Like as annoyed as many of you say you would be by being told periodically that you are amazing. I would feel completely smothered!

But my DH sends me text messages telling me I’m great at least a few times a week. I do the same with him. Neither of us is a gushy mooshy over-lovey insincere person.

To say she should leave and find a new person over this is wayyyyy over the top. I wonder if the people saying that are equally as unwilling to consider meeting the simple needs of their own partners.

What you describe sounds like a good, solid relationship.
Life isn't a romcom and tbh an entire life spent Adoring and Being Adored sounds exhausting . You have a good thing.

In my many years of observing mine and other people's relationships, about 9 times out of 10, the men who have been gushing and full of adoration and having big displays of affection, and buying huge presents, and whipping the woman off on surprise romantic weekends have been horribly jealous types, often abusive in some other way, and frequently unfaithful.

I'd take a quiet reliable but unexpressive type any day over one of them.

Actions not words!

My DH is also not a gushy, let's talk about feelings kind of guy. I found it hard to get used to at the beginning but we're 10 years together and he has proven his love time after time with actions and unwavering support. That's the real stuff. Anyone can say anything, but can they show you?? It sounds like you have a good'un so please try and change your mindset!

Is that you Liz Jones....?

I was thinking Samatha Brick. Remember her?

I'm basically the same as your partner. I can't do sentimental. I loved my late husband deeply, and thank goodness, he knew it. But it wasn't due to me telling him he was adored, or that he was wonderful and handsome and sexy. And if I had a partner like you I'd feel suffocated.

I showed my love in other ways, and he recognised those ways for what they were. If you can't do that, and you're reliant on the showering of compliments and sentimental words, then you're in the wrong partnership.

If a man came on here expecting his w to gush over him ever day or to be completely adored , he would be accused as being controlling and rightly so, for some reason, SOME people are agreeing with you or calling you needy.
You are being controlling, you want his entire life to revolve around your needs. You feel your unrealistic expectations should be met at all times by your DH. The things is I don't see you doing anything for him at all.
You sounds like an absolute horror show and I honestly think the fact that he has stayed for you so long shows how much he loves you. Saying that I am pretty sure most would have had their patience run very low by now

You sound incredibly needy. This is real life, not one of those Channel 5 rom-coms that are on in the afternoon. This way to the grip shop -->

Adored?!?!?!
In what way??

Send him this song:

OP, did you post this on MN by mistake, surely you know it’s full of joyless women who don’t want or need to be loved and if anyone shows them the slightest hint of romance or love, they will throw up or combust.

Back to the real world, OP, you sound totally normal, it’s wonderful to be loved and to be in a loving, romantic relationship. My DH and I tell each other we love each other every day, and we mean it. My DH also tells me he adores me regularly. I have been in relationships where I haven’t felt as loved as I should have, and to be with someone who is as loving, if not more than me, makes me very, very happy.

And to @sonjadog’s comment Why would anyone "completely love and adore" you? You are not a puppy or a doll to be doted on this is a prime example of what I mean, do you know how bitter you sound

Read five languages of love.

Well on the plus side, I have to totally Admire your self love. I’m not sure I’ve ever met anyone who has said they want to be completely loved and adored because they deserve it.

However on the flip side, if my husband said this to me I’d cringe myself inside out.

It does sound like your quite needy and what you actually mean is you want constant affection, validation. I think many people would be uncomfortable with that level of neediness. I’m sorry.

Boss. Yes to the loving relationship being normal. Not sure the needing to be adored is.....

He sounds pretty normal OP.

How exhausting. I think you are very needy and unrealistic in your expectations. I'm assuming you're very young.

Sounds like you’re expecting some sort of fake Disney romance that lasts for all of eternity. This change is inevitable in relationships, the honeymoon period is rather fleeting and tbh it’s not real love. Real love is harder, grittier and messier.