To expect to be completely adored?

[Beesmakehoneydontthey]

My partner of three years and I live together. We have a great relationship in almost every way BUT he is useless at talking about feelings or the future.

If I ask him about a future visit to his parents (who live abroad) I say 'if you want me to come with you' and he will reply 'obviously' (We've been twice), but he never gushes or over-enthuses like I do, about anything. I'm very expressive about almost everything, he says I'm 'impulsive' which he says can be a positive but not always, and he is the opposite.

He is very dependable and solid, but the times when he used to send me messages whilst I was at work (and vice-versa) saying I was amazing and how much he loves me have completely dried up.

Yes he gets me flowers and we cuddle and have sex but he just seems a bit vacant now (that said we stayed up chatting and laughing far too late last night). Sorry this is coming across as a bit self-indulgent but I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders at the moment. He also never compliments me, something I find weird.

This is making me feel insecure and a bit clingy, qualities I don't admire in myself but am prone to , especially if I feel scared he doesn't love me as much. How can I calm down a bit and stop thinking the worst?

I want to be completely loved and adored as I feel I deserve this but am I expecting too much?

You sound needy. You have been together three years you shouldn't need him to be looking at you with puppy dog eyes all the time.
No wonder he is distancing himself - he is finding it all a bit tiresome. Back off and stop romanticising and you will find he is much more receptive.

Tbh I’d find your way of being affectionate very annoying. Everyone is very different when it comes to giving and receiving emotion. It’s possible that you aren’t compatible in this respect. But you could change this. You could either learn to interpret his ways of showing affection better. Or you could work on your emotional issues (thus reducing your overall need for affection). Or you could ask him to be more expressive.

Op, my husband is like that, he doesn’t do over enthusiastic praise, he’s not incredibly expressive. If he says I look nice, or meal I cooked was fine that is high praise indeed from him. He doesn’t do flowers or romance but he’s the best husband a woman could hope for. He loves me Deeply and I am the centre of the universe for him. We’ve been together for 20 years and he has never once let me down or disappointed me in anyway. Quite literally everything he does is for me and our family and to me that’s the most romantic thing in the world.

Romantic gestures and words are just that, gestures and words and can be made or spoke glibly with no real devotion or commitment to underpin them so try to appreciate what you have as it sounds like he’s a good one!

I want to be completely loved and adored as I feel I deserve this but am I expecting too much?

Yes.

This reminds me of the Sistine Chapel thread.

Op time settles a relationship into a routine. Long term Adult relationships healthy ones are generally not full of dramatic and explosive emotions because the emotions develop and become deeper and more mature and solid which negates the need to show them the same. Not every relationship obviously but in general terms.

If he is treating you well and showing you he loves you then does he need to be all singing and dancing like you both live in a Disney musical?

A partner isn’t there to fill your every need. You need to give yourself love too. What you’re expecting sounds claustrophobic.

Is that you, Meghan?

You really sound like hard work. Be careful you don't push him away.

Perchin
😂 😂

percheron even.....

percheron67
is that necessary? The vile online bullying of a woman you don't know is out of order.

Some people just aren't very demonstrative. It doesn't mean they don't feel it - they just don't feel the need to wear their heart on their sleeve.

Sorry OP, but that’s an unhealthy level of neediness in a normally good trusting relationship.

Sounds like you want him to be co-dependent with you and that is doomed to failure.

You need to work on your own self esteem. A partner isn’t a life raft to cling to but someone who is swimming those rough seas alongside you.

you sound very childish in your ideas of love and life.
why do you think you deserve to be loved and adored.
any more than anyone else does.
being over-effusive is often a sign of insincerity.
i would wonder whether you really love this man, or could in an adult way appreciate anyone. do you want a solid partner/or an acolyte to worship at your altar.
i think you need to grow and mature before you can engage in a life partnership. the world does not revolve around you. you have been reading too many mills& Boon type romances. a romance means a fiction, something made up, a story, like the gingerbread house etc.
real houses and their occupants take hard work. life is hard.

were you indulged by your parents, have you ever seen real suffering close up. life is full of it, for all of us, sooner or later.
these are the realities of life.
loving someone does not protect us from that; in a way it adds to it, because we are vulnerable on another front, someone else's welfare is as much of a concern to us as our own.
im sure you are very well meaning, pleasant, friendly and affectionate.
but dont try to change a man who just sounds like a regular bloke.
either you need to change, or change your situation, but beware anyone who purports to adore you; they are often the deranged obsessive types, can be controlling. because its just not a normal healthy dynamic, its unsustainable. its how children play at being grown-ups. good luck.

You sound like really hard work - I couldn't go out with someone so needy.

Relationships change, they develop and grow into something more comfortable and familiar. It doesn't sound like he has done anything wrong here, you are just very demanding and codependent.

It's up to you OP. If you need that in a partner and he isn't meeting your needs, then YANBU to finish it and look for someone else.

But YABU to expect him to behave in a way that isn't in his nature or personality.

I bet a lot of these posters accusing you of being needy, OP, are very needy themselves in their own way..! They just don’t connect with what you want from a partner.

Being stuck in a relationship where you don’t get what you need can grind you down. Of course you can try to talk yourself into pretending you don’t really need what you need but that doesn’t work.

Verbal praise and reassurance is very important to some and that’s ok. I have been with a partner from whom words of love were blood out of a stone (although I knew he adored me, he just withheld it). My DH likes to tell me how he feels. I much prefer him

Love languages is a two way thing. How you express love and what makes you feel loved.

There is nothing wrong with you needing “words of affirmation” to feel loved. It sounds like at one time he did show you love that way but he’s gotten out of the habit.

It sounds like you have a very good relationship but just want more expression from him. Talk to him about it and explain it’s what you need/want to go from very good to amazing relationship.

Don’t demand that he be flowery and hyper expressive the way you are,but that you’d be happy with more frequent texts and comments like he gave in the past.

Make sure the way you express love is also suitable to him. And also take note of how he naturally shows his love; make sure you are recognizing and showing appreciation for those things, too.

(I feel loved when my husband forwards the produce newsletter to me or puts towels out for my bath.)

I think there are two issues here.

1. You don't feel certain of his feelings about your relationship and the future of it - this is a (potentially) big problem, which may be due to his communication style, incompatibility, etc. This is something that, after 3 years, I would want to clear up. Does he see this as forever? If so, are you going to get married? When, roughly? Do you both want children, etc? Those conversations should have been had a long time ago.

1. You are expecting everything to be like it is when you first date someone. This is, at best, unrealistic, and at worst, over-idealising a romantic relationship to the point you will be constantly setting your partner up to fail.

Percheron 😂

Harry still looks at her adoringly

He sounds like my DP. Personally I would struggle with gushing declarations as they feel very false to me. But my DP does hold my hand, bring me cups of tea in bed, helps me in many practical ways and generally looks after me. I also spend a lot of time with his daughter and he is really happy with this. I know he wouldn't do this unless he loved me and felt secure in our relationship. So when I have a wobble, I know it's more to do with my insecurities rather than anything he's doing. Whilst I sometimes doubt myself, I never doubt how much he cares about his child and I know he wouldn't allow that involvement unless he was very serious about me.

I think OP you need to acknowledge the ways in which your partner cares and realise that the rest is down to you being very insecure. But be careful - your neediness could eventually push him away.

Justincase. I take your point but I would point out that you have no idea who my friends and acquaintances are!!

Following on from “languages of love” I think the average man tires of the lovey dovey phase sooner than the average woman. Also sometimes women think “he doesn’t like talking about feelings” when actually the reality is more like “he has no wish to regularly discuss his mood/feelings because he has other stuff he wants to be doing”. Many people prefer to play a song and move on than spend twenty minutes having a heart to heart.

Life isn't a Disney movie. He's spent three years with you, he obviously wants to be in a relationship with you.

Quite frankly you sound exhausting.

If you can’t learn to live with this then I think you might be better ending the relationship and finding someone whose style is more compatible with your own.

He sounds quite normal and typical, you’re not right or wrong, just different. It’s hard to change this sort of behaviour and usually a mistake to try.