To expect to be completely adored?

[Beesmakehoneydontthey]

My partner of three years and I live together. We have a great relationship in almost every way BUT he is useless at talking about feelings or the future.

If I ask him about a future visit to his parents (who live abroad) I say 'if you want me to come with you' and he will reply 'obviously' (We've been twice), but he never gushes or over-enthuses like I do, about anything. I'm very expressive about almost everything, he says I'm 'impulsive' which he says can be a positive but not always, and he is the opposite.

He is very dependable and solid, but the times when he used to send me messages whilst I was at work (and vice-versa) saying I was amazing and how much he loves me have completely dried up.

Yes he gets me flowers and we cuddle and have sex but he just seems a bit vacant now (that said we stayed up chatting and laughing far too late last night). Sorry this is coming across as a bit self-indulgent but I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders at the moment. He also never compliments me, something I find weird.

This is making me feel insecure and a bit clingy, qualities I don't admire in myself but am prone to , especially if I feel scared he doesn't love me as much. How can I calm down a bit and stop thinking the worst?

I want to be completely loved and adored as I feel I deserve this but am I expecting too much?

This is an interesting thread. The idea of going out with someone who feels that they deserve to be completely loved and adored makes me feel rather claustrophobic. However, this may just be me.

Definitely not just you! I'd find that really difficult to deal with.

Why would anyone "completely love and adore" you? You are not a puppy or a doll to be doted on. You are a real adult human being with strengths, weaknesses and complexities. Where does this idea of yours come from? Did your parents treat you like you were a special little princess or something like that?

My dh rarely compliments me: we've been together a while! He shows huge love for me by being incredibly considerate, by doing chores that he knows I hate, doing stuff without being nagged (as he should!), organising stuff, constant massive consideration for me. I do the same for him. Love bombing would concern me more.

You sound very needy, OP. Relax, it's not a pleasant thing to demand.

Honeymoon phase does come to an end. I once had a chat with my now husband about how it felt when he didn’t reply to my messages. One day he sent a reply that just said “loving your messages without replying” and that was enough for me. He’d remembered, he cared. He couldn’t always reply as quickly or as effusively as I’d like. We’re different. We talk about the stuff that matters. You stayed up late laughing. That is gold.

The love,adoring and gushing reminds me of one of Phoebe's boyfriends in Friends (was it Alec Baldwin?) who was over the top about everything, including the brake lights on the highway being like a million fairies or something!

You sound a bit incompatible.

If DH kept banging on at me about how loved and adored I was, I’d have him committed. After I’d thrown up.

Some people just really don’t like that level of expressive love! There’s nothing wrong with it, but it’s a pretty fundamental thing, I think. You’re either like that or you’re not!

If you normally gush and over-enthuse, I suspect he may be pushing back against that. Can you wind it down?

In my experience men that tell you they love you 100 times a day who don't want to spend a second apart and make you their entire life are the controlling types who want to own you.
Your relationship on the other hand sounds normal for a long term relationship.

The honeymoon phase is great, the excitement and lust of someone new can be why some people people have affairs because in the beginning you feel besotted with each other until the novelty wears off and then real carries on as it always did and you have a stable long term partner that doesn't suffocate you.

I (frequently) write 'flowers' on the shopping list; more often than not my DH returns without them and a cheeky, "They were completely out of flowers!"
However, he has brought me tea in bed practically every morning for the past 36 years, always takes out the bins and makes sure my car is filled with petrol and roadworthy.
That's love!

' i tell my dh I love him all the time ,and vice versa same with my kids but we don't send each other sloppy messages it's just a quick I love you as I'm going out the door etc was pp,s have said you can't stay in the honey moon phase forever it would be exhausting

@GreenOlivesinGin exactly like our relationship. Me and my OH are completely different in the way we express our love. And that's totally fine!

OP - you sound like you want the honeymoon phase to last for ever. Your OH is like mine, it and it works perfectly for us. In fact, it works MUCH better than when I was with men who were exactly how you wish he was - lots and lots of gifts, words of love, adoring me etc etc. it was really tiring and quite boring... I much prefer my OH the way he is.

I know couples who fake 'force' a permanent honeymoon relationships. it looks painful and fake. Of course some couples are just like that much 99% of the time it's so forced and not real. Life is not a fairytale or Disney movie any most people who look like they have this - I can tell you it's probably fake! As long as your partner DOES love you, supports you then what is the issue? It sounds great to me, he buys you flowers etc?

Get a puppy. They’re always excited when you walk through the door.

Unfortunately human beings won’t always be. But what’s nice about that is that when he does compliment you randomly it feels extra special. My ex was soppy and always had nice things to say but that just annoyed me about him. My current boyfriend is a lot less soppy, to the point of me sometimes feeling a bit like you but then he’ll say something nice out of the blue and I know it’s genuine and it feels more heart felt.

Being adored can become tiresome.

do you want him to lay down his cloak on a puddle for you?

Being adored can become tiresome

@puds11 exactly this. All 3 of my last relationships I had the ground I walked on worshiped. And it was frigging boring! I can't stand the whole super soppy adoring husbands/partners, eurghhhh. There is way more to love than that.

but he never gushes or over-enthuses like I do, about anything.

I would run a mile if a man was gushing, even in the so-called "honey moon period".

If you like being "adored", why not but it sound suffocating. Are you making yourself "adorable" though? You need to be with a certain type of partner if that's what is important to you. Don't blame the poor guy or make his life a misery with drama if he's different.

Don't beg or pester for compliments for example, but you can mention that you do like them and need them. If he thinks you're pretty that day, he should tell you.

Good luck to both of you.

I don't think you sound needy OP.
What's wrong with feeling loved and supported especially at times when you need it the most.
Talk to him, tell him how you feel and if you get the same response as some that on here then you may need to think if he's the one for you, but don't suffer in silence as you will become resentful for him xxx

If you live together, why wouldn't you expect to go with him when he goes abroad on a family visit?

[totally misses point of thread]

Wow! you sound like really hard work.

Relationships don't stay in the honeymoon phase forever. They move on and change into something else.

I am secure in the knowledge that my OH adores me and loves me to the moon and back, but neither of us are 'gushing' about it. In fact frequent gushing would turn me right off!

How have you felt in other relationships? If you have felt like this before it may be a personal issue you need to address, maybe with a counsellor.

If you have felt secure without the gushing in other relationships but not this one, it may be an issue with your compatibility.

It's the little things that matter that show true love,like when I went to the shop.for my dh because he had run out of coffee and milk and it was raining cats and dogs even though I don't drink coffee ,or he always remembers which flavoured sparkling water i like when he goes to Asda or my favourite crisps etc

I sort of understand where you're coming from OP. My DH is very very "northern man". Hes not one to express any feelings (I love watching him with the kids because with them he completely let's go and showers them in love) and he shows me he loves me in very low key ways. I am more fiery and emotional and tell him how I feel a lot more. I can get frustrated with him from time to time but after 15 years together I know he adores me and our life and I also know hes not gonna tell me that often. It's just him and I actually, as much as I think sometimes I'd like him to be more effusive, its suits me. I had a boyfriend before who did gush about how much he loved me and I found it really suffocating.

I think you sound needy and very hard work.

You can have have a great, solid, loving relationship without one of you being put on a pedestal by the other.

In the nicest possible way, get a grip.

or find another partner who will enjoy that kind of relationship. Don't make your current partner's life miserable with drama he doesn't need. Life is too short.

The nicest things my husband does for me are the little things - cups of coffee in the morning, heating up the bathroom for me so I can have. shower when I get home and picking up my favourite crisps without being asked.

That shows me he loves me, knows what I like and wants to do what he can to make my day better before he goes to work.