AIBU - Still buying stuff for daughter at University

[Virgo28]

I'll try to give all details to save questions so please bear with me. DD and her BF both 1st year students at uni one on south coast and one up north so the only time they see each other is when they are home but still text etc each other. Me and DP have been to see daughter twice, once in November and again end of February and both times I have taken up a bag of goodies for her, stuff like biscuits, sweets, basically stuff that I have seen when shopping that I thought she might like as a treat or maybe an essential that she has mentioned she needs. She works hard, is getting good grades and also has a part time job between her studies as her student maintenance loan only just covers her rent. The girls had been talking and DD mentioned the weekend we visited and told BF the stuff we had done (tourist stuff) and the bits I had taken up to her. BF must of told her mum and the next day BF's mum is knocking on my door basically demanding I stop enabling and spoiling my DD because apparently I should be allowing my DD to be an adult and not interfer as it's not helping her learn "life lessons" I also should not be visiting her as this doesn't help her either. Who is being unreasonable here? It honestly didn't cross my mind, it was just a few bits and a day out exploring where she is because we'd never been there before DD started there. It's about 4 hours each way so we drove up Saturday morning, spent the afternoon and early evening together, stayed at hotel that night, took her to breakfast the following morning and then left lunchtime to come home.

The whole house looked forward to these boxes

My shared house did not excitedly anticipate my great aunt’s cling film care packages (although she did sometimes include a packet of those long, thin Vogue cigarettes).

Ok, lots of questions so I'll try and answer.
We are a close family and DD asks us to visit so we plan in advance with her. We are going next month but will only see her for lunch/dinner because she has a new job and will have to work so we will do some tourist stuff and she will meet us when she can. The reason I posted originally was because even though I didn't think I was doing anything abnormal, DD is our first child at uni and not a close one either so we are still learning the ways of university life.

My grandad used to send a £20 note in a letter

Lots of comments reassuring you you are not out of line.
My Mum did the same for me at Uni, little luxuries too which I loved & the day to day stuff that took the stress of financially) (toilet rolls back in the day! Of the irony!)
I'm 45 now & when they come over to stay with us (they don't live in UK) they will go & buy all sorts of lovely food & wine! We tell them not to as they are our guests but they won't listen.
My eldest is almost 20 & I pick up bits & pieces for him when I'm shopping without thinking anything of it. He's always appreciative.
If you are financially in a position to do so, then I'm sure the majority of DC's would be delighted

My parents never did anything like that for me, but I certainly will for my two. I envied the ones who had parents that did!

If your dd's maintenance loan only just covers her rent I assume thats down to your income and you are meant to top it up anyway. Whether that is in cash or goods is up to you and your dd.

I've asked my daughter whether she wants me to pay her hall fees or to give her a set amount into her bank account each month or each term to live off. Either way she will get the equivalent of the value of the maximum loan.

Maybe BF has realised the help your dd gets and is annoyed they aren't getting the same from their parents and has complained!

In the mists of time when I was at uni, my parents would bring treats if they visited and at the end of the holidays mum would do a supermarket shop with me. I would also take tins from their cupboard too.

The parents of my housemate would bake lots of cake for her to bring back which she always kindly shared. V normal for parents to do this if finances allow.

Everyone I knew at uni had parents who did this. Even if I'd stomped my feet and told my mum I was an adult and could look after myself she would still bring me sweets/meat/a bottle of nicer (£8) wine as I was drinking Londis' finest £3 wine haha.

Your daughter is lucky to have you and you're not enabling her, just treating her. I'm sure if she lived at home you'd occasionally take her to dinner/breakfast and buy her treats.

Bf mum is batshit

I have just sent my adult daughter a care package. I thought this was fairly normal. She is the one who is far too involved and not letting her son grow up.

Back when I was in halls my mum decided to pack in running a corner shop and so my flat got a huge box of tinned goods, soup, tinned veg etc. Another flatmates parents were farmers and they used to send a huge sack of potatoes for communal use.

I worked away (work experience) for a year at 18 & whenever my DM came up she'd either bring me treats or take me food shopping or both!

Didn't stop me growing up!

Oh god, the competitive hard arse parenting.

You sound like a very nice and normal parent, OP, and I'm sure your DD appreciates your gifts and visits.

I’m 51 and my mum still brings me treats when she comes to visit. When I was a student my parents flew over a few times a year to meet up and I went home at Christmas and Easter. My dad came to collect my stuff at the end of the year and they dropped me back at the beginning of the next one. Sometimes they’d send me a cheque or £20 for a night out - that was always a real treat. I fully hope to do that with my kids. Your daughters BF mother is batshit and it’s none of her business anyway.

It has got absolutely bog all to do with BF's Mum and I'd have told her to fuck the fuck off.

Just carry on with whatever makes you and DD happy.

My friend's Nan used to send me 'emergency food parcels' whenever my friend came to stay (usually whatever she wanted rid of out of her cupboards but that's by the by). I thought it was incredibly sweet and thankfully ate it all.

Pray this relationship doesn't lead to marriage. Poor BF.

Well doesn't she sound lovely...not

Why wouldn't someone help their child out. Myself and hubs aren't flush but we're always helping DD1 in little ways. When she was at university it was a bag of shopping here and there, little treats of chocolate for her and her flatmate. Now she works hard in a zero hour job to rent her little flat 30 miles away whilst waiting to find out if she's been accepted onto a master's degree in September. Her job is in our home city so she stays with us when she has a run of shifts together as they are 12 hour shifts and she works 40-60 hour weeks. Admittedly she buys her own food here and pays us no rent, but we still buy her the odd things here and there, drop her back at her flat etc, take her, her flatmate and flatmates dog treats when we visit. We will continue to do this if she goes back to Uni and do the same for DS when he starts uni in September although he has absolutely no expectations that we will do the same for him, we will do the same when DD2 goes to uni in 2 years time.

If you are close to her BF I'd send her a little parcel now and again to let her know that you are thinking about her, I will be doing that for DS best friend when she goes to Uni in September.

We're broke most months but our children will always come first whatever.

Ignore her.

I'm another mum to a uni DS & I always send him back with a bag of food, including a few homemade frozen meals, . I send the odd parcel as well and we like visiting his uni city for an overnight stay and of course take him out to for nice meals etc.

And my own mum (87!) still gives me frequent treats and 'pocket money' .

That woman is batshit!
I would absolutely do this for my DD. (and will now send postcards as mentioned by a PP, What a lovely idea!)

I'm 40 and (on the rare occasion) my Dad visits he brings me my favourites from his local bakery and DP has to fight him off when it comes to bill paying time!

I'm all for kids learning to be independent but that doesn't mean no treats from parents after they turn 18.

You’re not doing anything abnormal at all! You’re doing what most loving, caring, normal parents who can afford to do it, do. You carry on!

BF’s mother is absolutely fucking batshit &=WAY out of line telling you how to act with YOUR daughter. Whatbthe actual fuck doescshe think it has to do with her ?!?! I hope her DS isn’t like her with your DD - I’d be having that conversation with DD!

@comefromaway - after rent she has £25 left from maintenance loan. Once this first year is over her and 3 friends will be renting a house together which works out a lot cheaper than staying in university accommodation. We have offered in the past to give her money etc to help out but she is determined to be as financially independent as possible but knows we are there if she needs anything. We are trying to respect this but as a mum, as much as we're proud of her for it, It's hard not to worry.

You are so far from away from being unreasonable. Tell BF’s mum to mind her own!

My parents never did anything like this for me when I was at uni, and my uni was only about 1.5hour drive away. A lot of my parents did things like this or would even send little boxes of goodies every once in a while and I was always incredibly jealous and felt a little “unloved “ 😂😂 I think this sounds lovely and not “too much” at all and I’m someone who is has strong opinions on independence and not relying too much on mum and dad. But still think this is a lovely gesture !!

@Shimy - best friend not boyfriend

We are lucky. At the moment dd pays £130 per week including breakfast and evening meal. Next year she will be in a private s/c hall for £119 per week. She was hoping for a house share but things have fallen through.

I do the same for my son and his wife. If I feel like it I order groceries for them to pick up, or if they mention they want something (recently a vacuum) in passing and I have the money I buy it and send it to them. When I visit I pay for groceries, cook for them, take them to dinner, top off their cleaning supplies. Whatever I can do to help them and spoil them a little bit because they live over 6 hours away.
I can't imagine a parent doing anything different, as long as they have the means to do so.