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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not attend DF's wedding to OW?

125 replies

mothtoaflame · 10/03/2020 12:43

Huge backstory which I won't go in to unless absolutely necessary but...if your 65 year old Dad decided to marry the OW, despite having made your disapproval of the relationship quite clear, would you attend the wedding?

Age gap relationship with soon to be 'trophy wife', siblings and my inheritance unprotected. Everyone else on board except me. Don't know what to do....

OP posts:
Iwalkinmyclothing · 10/03/2020 15:00

Of course I wouldn't fucking attend; or if I did it would be to remind everyone that they were a pair of cheating cunts. My father would know this so would not invite me, which would make life much easier.

I'm sure there are many people who would think I was being an awful daughter and should go along and smile sweetly as I watched my dad marry the person he'd cheated on my mum with. But, uh, no, not in a million years. Inheritance and age gaps would be irrelevant.

LunchBoxPolice · 10/03/2020 15:05

No dad, your wife who is a year older than me can do that for you oh that must be so weird Shock

Sugarplumfairy65 · 10/03/2020 15:06

@RickOShay
Her father could live another 25 happy years with his wife. No one knows what the new wife is bringing to the relationship.
The point is, that money his her father's to spend how he likes. It has nothing to do with her how her father and his wife arrange their finances. Once they marry, their finances will be joint it will be her money too.
When I married for the second time, (both have adult children) we both sold our previous family homes and bought one together in joint names, put some money in joint savings and are spending the rest as we think fit.
When one of us dies, whatever is left will go to the other with the house left in trust to be sold and the money split between them equally when the second one dies. One of us had significantly more assets than the other but as soon as we married, it became ours. It never was our children's inheritance and they are all happy with that because they are not grabby cows!

Anuta77 · 10/03/2020 15:09

You love your mom, but it doesn't mean that your father was happy in the relationship. It's a very hard situation, but your father is human and probably he had a bad judgement. Yes, he should have separated before being with someone else. But if his relationship lasts after 5 years, it must be that he's happy? And I say this as someone whose father also married the OW. My mom was very upset, but I knew that their relationship wasn't working, so I understood my dad and tried to get on with the woman. She wasn't very pleasant ( I guess she was feeling bad herself), but that's another story.
So, if you love your dad, talk to him about your feelings. You can be upset, but still love him. Maybe if you can find it in yourself to forgive (maybe with a help of therapist), being present there for your dad would be a good idea.
There's a good book about why people could possibly cheat, I think it's called "Why good people have affairs", it might help a bit.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 10/03/2020 15:10

@RickOShay
Its your fathers fault. If he didn't want to share his money with your stepmother, he shouldn't have married her. What do you mean by fleeced? Did she get half of the marital assets when they divorced? That she would have been entitled to because they were MARRIED!

Jaxhog · 10/03/2020 15:15

I don't get why people always seem to blame the OW not the man? I wouldn't go because HE messed up his marriage and family. I certainly wouldn't go for HIS sake!!

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 10/03/2020 15:18

You don’t have an inheritance as your father is still alive.
He is only 65 so could live another 40 years before anyone inherits anything.

Go or don’t how to his wedding but his money should not factor into your reasoning.

IntergalacticSuperstar · 10/03/2020 15:23

Don't go if you don't want to go. But don't make it about money.

TealWater · 10/03/2020 15:53

No, I would not go, because I would be falsely witnessing and supporting something I didn't support or approve of, and it would be a betrayal of my mother's pain and heartache for me to go and smile and be all happy family.

Only way I would go is this; if I intended to make sort of drunk (or even sober) speech kind of like Sandra Bullock's character Gwen did in 28 Days about her sister (sans stealing the limo, crashing into a house and landing in rehab for 28 days) and tell everyone in the room that 'the man they are praising is an adulterer who cheated on my mother with this side piece in front of you and you all deserve to know and acknowledge the truth' kind of thing.

Sassanacs · 10/03/2020 15:57

Fuck no I wouldn't go

Vanhi · 10/03/2020 16:00

I don't get why people always seem to blame the OW not the man? I wouldn't go because HE messed up his marriage and family. I certainly wouldn't go for HIS sake!!

For me, it's not so much about who is to blame. It's more that whilst I would hope to continue some kind of relationship with my dad, because he is my dad, I would have no connection with any OW.

olivehater · 10/03/2020 16:02

I wasn’t invited to my fathers trophy wife’s wedding anyway but I have refused to meet her. I don’t see him anymore. She is not much older than me and Russian. I have kissed any chance of any inheritance goodbye but to be honest I think she will bleed him dry anyway. He is already paying for her sons private education in the uk. I went to the local comp. I would rather write it off than expose my children to anymore of his toxic behaviour. It is quite a relief now I have finally let go.

Sparkletastic · 10/03/2020 16:02

What do you think your DM would have wanted you to do?

johnwayneisbigleggy · 10/03/2020 16:08

So you were an adult when your parents split? This sounds as if it's about money to me.

Cheeseandwin5 · 10/03/2020 16:12

You are obviously very angry about what happened to your DM, but you need to separate that. You may think you know the ins and outs of their marriage but there could have been all sorts of reasons that led to the breakdown of their relationship.
You can choose whether to go to the wedding or not, to think you have the right to tell your father how he should lead his life and decide who is guilty and who is not, but dont blame anyone else for the repercussions, and that your DF chooses to give his money to those who love and supported him

MadamePewter · 10/03/2020 16:58

I wouldn’t go, it would be far too painful. It doesn’t mean you have to be at daggers dream with him forever, just that the day is something you don’t feel able to attend due to all that’s happened. Don’t feel guilty either, this has come about because of his actions.

NailsNeedDoing · 10/03/2020 17:12

Without knowing more details, I couldn’t tell you whether I’d go to the wedding or not. I don’t think any situation involving a couple splitting up is going to be as black and white as you have made it sound in your op.

Plus, your Dads money is not your inheritance! I would be so ashamed of my adult children if they ever referred to something that belonged to me as their inheritance while I was still alive, and it would make me significantly less inclined to leave it to them. Your dads money is probably better off being left to someone that respects him and makes him happy instead of people that are grabby, unsupportive and judgemental over his life.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 10/03/2020 17:17

No I wouldn’t go. I don’t tend to go o second weddings though without the complications of it being an affair partner.

The inheritance thing I don’t feel forms part of it though as it’s his money an no one is owed an inheritance.

londonschool · 10/03/2020 17:26

Nope. I was in the same situation and neither my brother nor me attended the wedding. He has his "new" life now and I hardly ever see him. Not a loss, she can take care of him when he's old.

Devlesko · 10/03/2020 17:29

I wouldn't go as probably couldn't contain myself.
It will be the end of your inheritance, but that sounds likely anyway.

flirtygirl · 10/03/2020 17:41

So many people spouting that the op not going will end the relationship. I doubt it as the op does not need to go to a one day event to have a relationship with her father in the future, should she want one, that is.

I would not go as it's disloyal to the wronged party. If I was the wronged party I may forgive but I would not forgive that level of disloyalty.

And who cares if they are happy for years to come when that happiness came out of lies, cheating and deceit? It is not that hard to end one relationship before starting another, that's what good people do. Not this bullshit that good people have affairs, no they don't, as if they do then they were not good people to begin with.

An affair, is lying, cheating and being deceitful and I don't think those are good character traits, so why do people excuse affairs. It bullshit.

I would not go, I may want a relationship later on, I may not.

The op mentioned the inheritance as not being protected and that is a concern as people who care about their children should protect them on remarriage. Lots have seized on thu
Is to mean that the op is money grabby. She does not sound money grabbing at all but parents should seek to protect their children on remarriage and the ones who don't are slack.

RunningKatie · 10/03/2020 17:43

I went and regret it.
I never hear from them now, ironically after they didn't attend my wedding because I wouldn't have a top table as my parents couldn't be relied upon to be civil Hmm

Original poster
mothtoaflame · 10/03/2020 19:41

Thanks everyone, it's interesting to hear views.

Actually I believe discussing financial matters amongst family members to be in the interests of everyone and as a mother I intend to make sure my son is adequately provided for during my life and death and feel strongly about knowing that he shan't have future money worries. My mother took the same steps before she died for which I am very grateful but I have seen many other friends and families divided over finances and missing/dated Wills which could have been avoided through discussion.

For those that rightly argue affairs are two sided, yes they are. They are also incredibly hurtful emotionally and morally wrong and I empathise with all respondees who have experienced the wrong side of this.

I do intend to have an ongoing relationship with DF irrespective of whether I attend the wedding or not, but have no intention of becoming a blended family. I can still love my Dad whilst thinking he's deluded if he believes she'll stick around to care for him in 20 years.

OP posts:
LellyMcKelly · 10/03/2020 20:00

I would think about the kind of relationship I want with them going forward. Do you want to continue to have a relationship with your father? Do you want your children to have a relationship with their grandfather? This woman is going to be in your life if you do. She’s here and she’s not going anywhere, regardless of whether you disapprove of her or not. It would be make for a happier life for everyone, including you, if you were able to forgive your father and make peace with the situation, but I appreciate that might be difficult. I would probably talk to them and explain how you feel, and take it from there. Getting angry or refusing to go to the wedding will make absolutely no difference to the fact that they’re getting married.

Glassmami · 10/03/2020 20:28

No I wouldn't but my father didn't even invite me to his wedding 🤣

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