To ask how the hell do I get my year 7 son to do his homework

[littleblackdress04]

It’s literally driving me INSANE! He’ll do every single thing possible not to do it 😫 He just can’t seem to sit down and concentrate (and there are no additional needs) - and then we have a total meltdown as he leaves it too late.

We have a homework board in his room with deadlines, we help him too. He’s just been crying and shouting & refusing to do it.

Aibu to ask for your tips? It ends up with me losing it out of frustration. He works hard in school but homework is like pulling teeth - it’s so painful 😫

I think if he’s getting that upset about it then there’s definitely something going on. Secondary can be a big step up from primary, and can be when milder additional needs become obvious. I wouldn’t expect a typical 11/12 year old to be screaming / crying over homework. I mean it could just be bad behaviour (in which case I’d let him face the consequences at school) but it could be some kind of executive function issue. I know my ds with dyslexia finds organising his own time and working independently a real struggle. And I know some young boys would do anything to avoid admitting that they’re struggling.

FishCanFly -he's only 7

Yr 7 is 11/12 first year secondary - depending on the primary attended may be first experience of getting consistent homework or subject homework. I'd say this year is the time you want good homework patterns formed.

I have had temper at this age from mine usually becuase they are struggling and very anxious - often they'ev needed to calm down before they could accept help - but it was never regularly.

oh, then it's different story. 11 is old enough to do homework independently. But if they haven't got the habit and skill formed - tough luck.

Sounds a little like procrastination behaviour. Is there an underlying reason why he kicks off about it do you think? Do you think he sees homework as a huge chore and also something where he may fail or be shown up as not good in a given subject? If so Could you try and re-frame it as a safe space to practice new skills, get better at the subjects, focus on learning rather “proving” Himself or risking being found wanting etc. Carol Dweck’s Mindset book and all the classroom learning resources that have been produced to accompany this method of teaching might help if this is a relevant issue.

Actions have consequences.
If he is regularly not doing homework the school will sanction him.
Encourage as much as you can, introduce homework hour. Outside of that if he doesn’t do it. He deals with the consequences.

Withdraw privileges. You must have ways of getting him to listen besides this issue.

So lots posters think it's okay to a let a 11/12yr old in the first year of secondary school not do homework, get detentions and fall behind as that'll teach them?
What about the long term of going to uni or getting a job you'll end up regretting as much as them.
In first year of secondary they are still children and need support from parents.

So lots posters think it's okay to a let a 11/12yr old in the first year of secondary school not do homework, get detentions and fall behind as that'll teach them?

I'm baffled by this mindset too.

My parents used to use the 'No TV/Playstation/Internet until all homework is done' rule. I'll be using the same for my DDs. Worked a treat in our family.

Secondary school kids should be able to crack on with homework themselves and if it isn’t done, they can deal with the consequences (perhaps detention for example). He has to learn to stand on his own two feet now.

For those saying Y7 children shouldn't have face consequences and parents should make sure they do their homework, where do you draw the line?
Will you expect them to take responsibility in Y8 or when they're 16? 18?
Y7 is the ideal time for them to take responsibility for their actions or lack of actions.
Most children get homework in primary school so by secondary school they should be able to work independently.

Secondary school kids should be able to crack on with homework themselves and if it isn’t done, they can deal with the consequences (perhaps detention for example). He has to learn to stand on his own two feet now.

So you'd happily stand by, watch them waste a valuable education, and potentially end up in a lifetime of minimum wage jobs just because you think they should stand on their own two feet?

I hate the whole "let them make mistakes and face the consequences" philosophy. We're parents, we're supposed to do the best for our children, not sit idly by whilst they potentially damage their future.

And the above is why we have some many children who think that nothing is ever their fault and why they can't cope when they leave home.

I would actually be really mean and tell his teachers he doesn't do it and the agony of it and suggest you not reminding and pushing him and get detention!

I helped DS1 all the way through Y7, because he just couldn't/wouldn't get on with his his homework. He is a great procrastinator (like his dad) and unfortunately most homework research requires them to be online. I would therefore sit in his room whilst he did it, and help him out. Sometimes he just had no clue where to start, so I'd help break things down. I have to be patient (which doesn't come naturally when he's whingeing and whining about how he can't do it when if he just stopped that nonsense and got on with it, it would be done). I didn't do it for him, but I was there to nudge him in the right direction.

He is now in Y8 and I've pulled back considerably but I still monitor. He has a homework whiteboard which he has to write everything down on, with dates. I make him update it once a week, and I also check his homework diary once a week because he misses things. I don't sit with him any more for written homework, and I don't check it unless he asks me because thats not my job (and I probably wouln't know the answers anyway) but I do check the board and make sure its been done. Some nights I won't make ask him to do any (for instance football training nights) And I do help him with French and German because he only learns his vocab when I'm sitting with him asking him the questions.

I know a lot of parents don't get involved as much as I do, but I want him to learn how to learn without doing it for him. I help him plan revision too.

It's a bit much to expect them to go from
Y6 - reading, spellings, the odd set work once a week
To
Y7 - 30-60mins of work per lesson, roughly three pieces of homework per night including research, word counts, etc.

Don't bother. There are numerous studies showing that homework at primary level has zero impact on attainment. Reading is recommended and useful though especially to foster a love of books and learning. Make sure the content is enjoyable and at his level.

If he faces natural consequences at school then let him deal with it. Alternatively you could enquire about him opting out and spend your time enjoying time together, outside getting fresh air and exercise and reading or playing games. All of which will benefit him far more.

Don't bother. There are numerous studies showing that homework at primary level has zero impact on attainment. Reading is recommended

Reading this thread is recommended.

He is Year seven. Not primary.

I used to have this with ds, a 40 minute battle for homework that took him 5 minutes to finish.
Just by chance, this year he goes one day a week to his dad's office after school while I take his sister elsewhere, and he does his homework there, then when he is done he can play a videogame or something.
I think the combination of set-time, not many other things to do, and being in a public-ish setting where he doesn't "dare" have a tantrum has worked well.

homework club at school at d's school if you fail to do 4 homework's in a term you have to attend homework club.

Touché Bernadette

You're right, I thought he was 7, oops.

At that age follow the excellent advice on this thread

Have you asked him why he isn't doing it? It could be too hard, too much work, distractions, too boring, or doesn't see the point? He's easily old enough to explain what the problem is.

If he's becoming hysterical faced with the tasks, are you sure there isn't an underlying special need?

So you'd happily stand by, watch them waste a valuable education, and potentially end up in a lifetime of minimum wage jobs just because you think they should stand on their own two feet?

For the typical NT child, the embarrassment of not having done the homework is enough to get them to do it in future. The child is in y7 so if he learns that he might as well get it over and done with, he's not going to be a persistent homework refuser.

Having seen the homework assignments that my child gets, they are not always good quality work that will help deepen their knowledge. A maths worksheet practicing the new topic learned in class is useful but some teachers set homework with no value at all. On top of this, due to heavy workloads if the homework is marked it's peer marked and there's no follow up on why someone got a low score or if the person's friend marked the work so artificially inflated the score. (I'm not blaming the teachers here, I'm downplaying the importance of a lot of homework set by my kids)
Schools are under pressure to set homework as parents see it as a sign of a good school (especially at primary level)

Very easy. You don’t. Leave it entirely up to him & tell him that. Let him get into trouble for not doing it.

He needs to know that there are consequences for not doing it, and all the time you make sure he does you get majorly stressed out and there won’t be any downside for him. Turn the responsibility over to him & good luck! Xx

we had this with DS1. i think it's often a maturity thing (it definitely was for him)

he was horrendous for tears, tantrums, pleading on his knees he couldn't do it, all through yr 7, and most of yr 8.

he just couldn't be bothered really, because most of the time when he actually got over himself, he could do it in minutes.

we were always consistent, and he always had to do it (even if it wasn't always his best work - which he then got called out on by teachers at parents evening, with us there).

now he's in yr9, and in the last 4 months he's really turned a corner. i think it's dawned on him that he'll properly be on the GCSE treadmill in a few months, and he needs to stop fucking about.

in the same timeframe, he's become much more mature and aware outside schoolwork (eg, his responsibility to his football team, what he needs to do to maintain meaningful friendships, and his attitude to the wider family).

lots of other boys in his year are still like he was in yr 7 in terms of attitude.

it might just be a timing thing.