To ask how the hell do I get my year 7 son to do his homework

[littleblackdress04]

It’s literally driving me INSANE! He’ll do every single thing possible not to do it 😫 He just can’t seem to sit down and concentrate (and there are no additional needs) - and then we have a total meltdown as he leaves it too late.

We have a homework board in his room with deadlines, we help him too. He’s just been crying and shouting & refusing to do it.

Aibu to ask for your tips? It ends up with me losing it out of frustration. He works hard in school but homework is like pulling teeth - it’s so painful 😫

@StomachChurningNails

You set up good habits early on, so that your kids know the boundaries and what is expected of them. You support and encourage, take an interest in their learning, and let them know you value them doing well and that if they need help you can help them. As a parent you provide a quiet, calm place for them to work.

If they after that point blank refuse, you let them take the consequences. It's a learning curve. You also also let the school know you support the hwk but that your DC is struggling and refusing. They may be able to help address any issues at school.

Offer literally nothing else. No tv. No devices. No toys. No evening meal.

It's a short activity. Few evenings of not getting their way they'll realise it's easier to just sit for 30mins and do some sums.

If only it were so simple [sigh]

I can't agree with no food, especially as past a certain point it's counter productive. But we did say no treat foods allowed until complete which meant none of siblings birthday cake... Not even that was enough incentive.

Unfortunately school don't care Shawshanks. It's not even homework as such, it's the work (which I know he can do) that he hasn't competed in lessons. School don't give consequences.

OP, absolutely no experience of this or anything like it.

I had great advice early on from friends.

Homework happened as soon as we arrived home.
It was viewed as the final part of the school day.
Had to be done, quickly, quietly, efficiently.

The rest of the evening started the minute homework was finished.

Because I instigated this the minute they started school, it was never ever an issue.
Very grateful for the advice.

Don’t do supper until after prep is complete. Get rid of chilling/computer games time and set a very clear structured routine. The trick is not to battle every time but to get them used to an everyday routine where learning is prioritised.
Don’t over help. Set time for it to be done every evening and at weekends. Do activities around the set homework to extend and embed. Much easier at year seven than year eleven.

@ StomachChurningNails
I'm confused - so it isn't hwk but work he hasn't finished in class? Who has then told him he needs to finish it at home?

Sorry OP, bit of a frustrated hijack there. No advice except be grateful he's working at school!

Shawshanks joint decision with teacher and us to try to get him to see its better to do the work in class. He literally does nothing, gets up and wanders to the loo for 20+ mins every lesson. Teachers say they don't want to stop him in case he sets himself. Personally I think it's easier for them if he's not there so they let him go. He has come home with unfinished and not started work for all the main subjects this weekend. He says he forgot over half term that he has to do the work they are given in class in class

Please don't just leave it to school to punish. It means huge amounts of extra admin on me recording each missed homework, and no lunch as I need to supervise and chase detentions. I have to be on duty 2 lunches a week. Detentions on my only other day at work (part time like so many mums on here). Please support us by getting them to do their homework at home! I get my DC to do it by not as lowing anything else until if is done. No TV, phone, x box etc. Then I don't nag, just repeat that when homework is done, they are welcome to do all the other stuff.

I get my DC to do it by not as lowing anything else until if is done. No TV, phone, x box etc. Then I don't nag, just repeat that when homework is done, they are welcome to do all the other stuff.

And if they still don't do it, what then?

A few years ago now, but we would make him start as soon as we'd finished our tea on the dining table. Clear plates away, get books out. No time allowed for any distractions. We'd sit at the table with him, either helping him if needed or doing our own thing. Once he'd done it, usually 60-90 minutes, we'd all go our separate ways, him to his room to play on his devices etc. Got into a very good routine, good habits, etc., which lasted a couple of years. Then we started trusting him to sort himself out, which has, by and large, worked out OK.

Options in this house are:

1. Do homework at x time, with help
2. Do homework later, without help
3. Don't do homework and take the consequences

Setting up a regular time with someone else in the extended family to help (i.e. option 1) can break the battle of wills.

Double-check there is no SEN - children can mask their difficulties out of the home then melt-down when the pressure tips them over.

My daughter is in year 7 too and I don’t get involved with her homework. I can see what she’s got as there’s an app but she’s responsible for getting it done on time herself. She’s been doing this since year 6. What would happen if you just gave him the responsibility to get it done and step back? Let him face the consequences for a short while. Email the tutor and explain. But if he doesn’t start doing it then I’d take away technology / privileges etc. He’s a bit old for meltdowns for not doing it. He’s 12 or nearly 12 so he should be starting to take responsibility now for doing it

I feel like schools (or maybe just my daughters school) are too easy on homework not being done.
My daughter hasn't done her math homework all term because I decided to let her face the consequences but there weren't any. Homework doesn't get marked either.
If the school don't care, why would the children? As the school don't insist I never know whether to nag or not.
One thing that worked well (before we realised school didn't care) was to say no after school activities if your homework isn't done.

Hope the homework got sorted OP! It's a nightmare sometimes isn't it?!
My year 7 DS isn't great with homework either but it is getting much better. Is there a school homework app which tells you what needs to be done? Mine needs a bit of help to organise what is best to do first etc though he's much better now at this.
Homework club at school - this has been great for him. To begin with he'd go and not get on but he's now realised if he does it at school it's best for him. He's started to make sure he asks the staff running if he needs help too. Definitely find out about this it's been godsend for us!
If he's really struggling I'd email his form tutor / year head and explain - hopefully they'll come up with some support / mentoring to help him.

If secondary school aged children don't do their homework, school will have sanctions. While I'd have encouraged/reminded a bit when mine were in Y7, I really wouldn't die on this hill, OP.

I take an interest, ask my dc if they've got homework, sometimes suggest it might be a good idea to get it done sooner rather than later if they have plans for later on etc. But if they want to leave it until the last day, I let them. If they don't do it, they will face the consequences at school. Parents I know who firmly take control of their dc's homework in Year 7 end up still having to stand over them brandishing the whip for GCSE and even A Level work. They need to learn to take responsibility.

As a teacher I will talk to parents if their child has persistently failed to hand in homework, but it's the child's responsibility to do it. Them relying on their parents to force them to is not helpful in the long run.

@littleblackdress04 and @StomachChurningNails

What are the reasons both your DC don't want to do the work?

How were they both with primary school? Did they work then? Was there any homework set, any issues/concerns?

@StomachChurningNails I see the behaviour you describe in class by kids that have some sort of barrier to learning, like dyslexia or ADHD. I've also seen similar by a lad whose self-esteem and resilience is so low he can't bear to get anything wrong, so avoids work as much as possible. Has this been looked at?

Dunno. Ds prefers a detention which is only 10 minutes compared to half an hour homework.

Offer literally nothing else. No tv. No devices. No toys. No evening meal.

It's a short activity. Few evenings of not getting their way they'll realise it's easier to just sit for 30mins and do some sums.

Ha ha. If only teenagers were that logical!

I came up with surprisingly elaborate stories in my head as a teenager while sitting at the kitchen table refusing to do my homework. My parents would take all my belongings, give plain toast for tea, stop me seeing friends, shout, smack, etc. I spent lunchtimes in detention and got sent to my head of year. I still did only around 50% of my homework in years 8-10, luckily I pulled it together in time for my GCSEs.

I don't have a solution, because I don't know what caused it. I think it was mainly anxiety/perfectionism (I was diagnosed with GAD in my 20s but think I probably had it earlier too) meaning I would rather do no work than do it badly, but no punishment my parents or school gave me seemed worse than doing my homework.

It sounds like he is procrastinating which is a sign for anxiety. Take him through WHY he keeps putting his homework off. It could be he is worried about getting it wrong or worried about getting in trouble for not doing it which causes him anxiety and so he avoids the feelings of anxiety. If a child has anxiety logical approaches to things don’t always work ie if he is anxious about getting in trouble for not doing it does not mean he will do it to avoid getting in trouble! You need to understand why he is putting things off. My daughter used to avoid packing her school bag each night. We were always searching for things last minute, she was missing buses and she was forgetting homework all because she was packing her bag in the mornings. But she still could not get herself to pack it at night because of her fear she would forget something. Which she ironically sometimes did by packing it in the morning! I talked her through the why she was not packing at night and getting her to vocalise that she was afraid of forgetting something helped with this. Also I found I was saying to her a lot “if you pack your bag at night this forgetting something would not happen” but this just made her feel bad about herself and she avoided things more. it helped when I instead said to her “did you find this morning was stressful? If you did what can you do differently to improve things for tomorrow?
I found that my constant nagging was making things worse for her - I had to put the ownership in her court and get her brain to go through the thought process of what was the right thing to do?
My solution to my son not doing his homework was simple - he has to do his homework before he played anything electronic. At 9 he was not even reading books but this simple rule meant he cracked out his homework straight after school each day and now he is in grammar school.

It sounds like he is procrastinating which is a sign for anxiety. Take him through WHY he keeps putting his homework off. It could be he is worried about getting it wrong or worried about getting in trouble for not doing it which causes him anxiety and so he avoids the feelings of anxiety.

I'd look into this - have a talk. Seneca is free and had ks3 science - so if lessons are too fast or he's not understood something fundamental getting him to go through could be helpful.

Otherwise routine - at set time homwrok starts and try and get him out of any habits of leaving till last minute - which mine try every now and again.

he's only 7. Set time to it, sit down with him. Don't give in to tantrums. No homework - no screen time afterwards. He's too young to leave it entirely to his responsibility.

Why doesn’t he want to do it?

No phone. No games. No activities etc til his homework is done. Simple as that!

don't pathologize childhood. Kids procrastinate and throw tantrums anytime they need to do something that isn't their idea of fun - i.e. to go to bed, or have a bath, or get dressed.