To think people are crap at supporting bereaved

[growingweeble]

When someone’s partner, parent, sibling dies generally people get they need some tlc. But, that tlc doesn’t last long. AIBU to think people should intuitively understand that support is needed beyond the funeral?

We are terrible at knowing what somebody else needs or wants in relation to grief.

I've just lost a second person to suicide in 3 months. I've got to go though the whole thing again, only last time it was a close friend, this time a new boyfriend, and I can't even understand what I'm supposed to do/feel this time, let alone expect anybody else to! I generally wanted people to know about my friend for practical reasons I.e. I'm going to be a bit quiet and red eyed for a few days. Please tactfully ignore that, I'll mention it when I'm ready. I'm going to need to take time off for the funeral etc. Please do not give me any sympathy, because sympathy upset the precious balance that was keeping me from being a sobbing mess at inappropriate times. I also rarely wanted to cry in front of people if I could help it, I much prefer that by myself in private. Well meaning people doing anything other than just being with me while I fell apart did huge damage - I haven't yet been able to speak properly to clear the air with the friend who mistook my words "I'm struggling" to be a request to be told how to grieve better - all I took away from that was "you're doing grieving wrong" which was an incredibly hurtful message. It was totally normal that I was struggling, I didn't need or want fixing, I needed somebody to hold the space while I went through it without judging or trying to fix me.

It's upsetting when people don't mention it. It's upsetting when they try to fix it. It's upsetting when they try to minimize it. It's unhelpful when they show sympathy when you're working really hard to keep a fragile veneer of having your shit together. Even those of us who are usually good at communicating what we want or need are often too fragile to know what we want or need ourselves, let alone communicate it effectively.

My best advice for what to do or say is to find a quiet moment when if you break their veneer they can pull it back together in privacy, and acknowledge the death. "I'm really sorry to hear about your loss" is enough. If you have capacity to offer somebody to talk to, or to give practical help for the funeral etc, then offer specifically that. If they talk to you, listen. Don't try to fix. Offer but don't assume a hug... or tea, tea is always a good offer! Over time, mention the deceased person occasionally, if it seems welcome. There's nothing weirder than everybody pretending they never existed.

@ShatnersWig Not much of a friend!

@InTheCludgie I think that’s a different thing though isn’t it? I had a friend who texted me and said the wrong thing but she didn’t need to text me me at all and I appreciated that she had because many had not. With a family member like the MIL who would have been around anyway I don’t think that’s about support so much as just being completely stupid / inconsiderate as to say something unfortunate when they are around.

I have a colleague who talks about her DDs and has said “I don’t care what she’s doing as long as she is living and breathing” I hated that she said those words to me, knowing my DD is not living and breathing. But she and another colleague were the only ones at work who remembered DD birthday and brought in flowers, card and gift. I was a bit embarrassed but I was pleased they remembered.

I lost my Dad a few months ago and was blown away with the level of support I got
Friends in particular understand it’s still hard - comes in waves - I think I’m ok n then it hits hard again
The one bit that really stands out is 2 of my friendly colleagues at work came to the funeral which I wasn’t expecting - they came to support me as didn’t know my Dad and I can’t tell you how much that meant - it was like a wave of love and care from a distance

I don’t really know how to support someone who is bereaved if I’m being completely honest. I will gladly let them talk to me about it or cry with me if they need to and I’ll try my best to say the right things but I don’t want to pry and push them if it’s not what they want. I guess I’m trying to say that I’d rather let them know I’m there if they need me and if they do, they’ll come to me. I might check in every so often but the last thing I want to do is make them feel any worse by badgering them.

@JaceLancs That is lovely. I had colleagues and friends some to the funeral (we lost a baby so not many people had met her) and it made all the difference.

@Isthistrueor IMO that’s enough. For me I have been frustrated with people who don’t even check in at all

I lost a parent at 17 and my other parent at 42. The support I got from my friends at 17 was waaaay better. Teenaged girls are good at rallying round and looking after their girlfriends. As adults, I think people are occupied by their own life shit. I had adult friends who sat in the pub with me a fortnight after my Mum's death and didn't even mention it, but then spent two hours moaning about their work/spouse/hairdresser/bin man etc....

I feel like people are embarrassed by /uncomfortable with my grief and want me to pretend it's not happening so they don't have to confront it.

It's been extremely hard. I miss my Mum so much and really want to talk about it. But I've come to realise how some people I counted as friends are really little more than acquaintances. It's very lonely and isolating.

I think it varies dramatically. I lost my adored grandmother on friday. Was at a party on saturday and didn't tell anyone she was dead because I didn't want their clumsy attempts at comforting me. I got cards and flowers when my dad died...what good is that, I wanted my dad not a bunch of platitudes written in a card and a bunch of cut flowers which are only going to die. I don't want people hugging me or trying to make me feel better. It doesn't help.

I always try to offer comfort when someone dies because I feel that's what we're meant to do but I find it hugely uncomfortable. Possibly because I've lost my dad and both grandmothers in the past 2 years and haven't grieved for any of them. Trying to help others deal with their bereavements makes my own losses raw and I struggle with that.

I had a lot of support when I lost my dad. Yes it does tend to tail off after the funeral but for me I needed to move on, not forgetting my dad but getting back to my routine. My friends all said they’d be there if I wanted to talk. I didn’t expect them to keep asking me, though many would drop me a ‘how are you doing’ message every so often

By the time i was 16 i had lost all 4 grandparents and my Dad - i also lost my niece to suicide and 18 months ago i lost my Mum

I still have no idea how to support anyone else through their grief.

I had loads of messages and cards and hated it - i did not want them. I appreciate it was done with the best motivation so i was not annoyed and would never say anything anywhere where those people might know it was me but i hated every single one of them.

My way of coping with everything is to retreat into my immediate family and i want no one else around me or contacting me - i re-emerge a few weeks later and still want no one to mention what has happened. i am one of those people who wants everyone to carry on as if nothing has happened.

I am just saying there is absolutely no right way to do this - but a well meaning message will be recognized for what it is - even by those people like me who really do not want it.

So if you do not know how to deal with someones grief - that's OK too - there is no one thing you should or should not do - I absolutely hate those comments that suggest that there is a right way - every single person will want something different - a different amount of messages, different time to grieve. I know what i wanted but i have no knowledge or understanding of what a single other person would need - and that is how it should be.

Just act out of your own heart with kindness every day regardless of what is happening in people's lives, recognizing every one is different. and i am sure you will get it as right as you ever could when they are grieving.

I appreciated flowers and cards. People are trying to express their sympathy in the only way they know. It’s unfair to say that’s cra* in my opinion

You're right, but I'm one of the people who are terrible at dealing with other peoples' bereavements.

But, when my mum died a couple of years ago I wanted to be left alone to be honest. If people had been 'better' and brought me food, cards, flowers etc I'd have disliked that very much.

Everyone's different I guess.

@OkMaybeNot - So sorry for loss of your mum. I lost my husband 5 years ago (whilst pregnant) and the range of support I received was considerable. Did not appreciate bloody flowers, did appreciate offers of childcare or cleaning.

My dear friend just lost her mum. I have opted to text daily and sent a delivery of luxury pre-cooked meals for her freezer (she has small children). I like to think I am better at grief support than average, given my experience.

'I appreciated flowers and cards. People are trying to express their sympathy in the only way they know. It’s unfair to say that’s cra* in my opinion'

There's a difference between saying 'that's crap' and finding that other people's actions add to one's distress. One may realize it's unfair to criticize them, and avoid placing any blame, and nevertheless find that other people's demonstrations of sympathy can make grief worse.