To think people are crap at supporting bereaved

[growingweeble]

When someone’s partner, parent, sibling dies generally people get they need some tlc. But, that tlc doesn’t last long. AIBU to think people should intuitively understand that support is needed beyond the funeral?

@RaisinsRuinEverything I’m glad it helped. It honestly made so much difference to me and I’d never not say it to someone (and mean it). To know that someone felt sorry that I was going through a loss was the main thing they could do. Afterall, they couldn’t take my pain away, nobody could. But to say they felt for me really truly mattered. 2 friends never acknowledged my losses. They just carried on chatting as if nothing had happened. It still hurts when I think of it.

My husband died very suddenly when we were quite young , leaving me to bring up three little girls and hold down a demanding job on my own : so I didn't have the time or luxury to grieve, I just had to get on with it. The reality of it was that unless you'd experienced it yourself there was no way anybody else could truly understand or anyway you could fully explain so I didn't mind being left to myself. However I was lucky in that I had a wonderful housekeeper and amazing members of my family. I eventually remarried and had another daughter but there is no such thing as closure and you never really get over it. I still find myself in tears sitting at traffic lights, 18 years later !.

Then how are others to know?

Often something is better than nothing.

Often something is better than nothing

Exactly

If you really don’t know and don’t want to intrude I don’t think you can go wrong with a card or message saying “thinking of you” and “I’m here if you need anything at all” or something. If the person doesn’t want to be bothered then they are not forced into a conversation with that

I agree with Bunny's suggestion!

On the other hand, I don't think that something is ALWAYS better than nothing. There is a bit of a cliche that 'it's better to say the wrong thing than to say nothing. No, sometimes saying the wrong thing is far more hurtful. In particular, I don't want any special condolences for birthdays and holidays that my relatives may never have really celebrated when alive. Also there is a bit of a cliche at the moment that saying 'Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help' is wrong because it places too much responsibility on the bereaved person to ask. I agree that it's usually better to be more concrete about what you can do: 'I'm going to the supermarket on Saturday; is there anything you'd like me to buy you?' but some people have even suggested that you should 'just do things' and not ask. That would be about the worst for me: denying me the right to ask for what I want, rather than doing things I may not want at all. (I'm not talking about very close family members who may already know how I like things, but about people barging in to my home to cook a special meal, or do some housework without checking whether and how I would like it done.) One thing to note is that there can be a big difference between a situation where the bereavement was sudden, and the bereaved person may be in shock and need others to take over; and one where the bereavement took place after a long illness or decline into old age, and the bereaved person, who was possibly also a carer, developed their own strategies for dealing with the practicalities, and does not need interference and denial of independence.

It's over a year since my mum died after a horrible few months when she was very ill and I was pretty much being the strong one and dealing with everything .
I honestly don't think I've even begun to properly grieve but how on earth can I let people know that?! it's a year - even I'm fed up with my pain, let alone considering talking to anyone else about it. The kind words ( and there were many) tailed off pretty quickly and I'm still here with this lead heart. It just wouldn't seem acceptable to mention how sad I still am

I have lost most of my family over the last decade and there's only a few of us left! I tend to be a bit "life goes on" and practical. People have said I haven't grieved properly, but I don't think it's that. I think about my family a lot and sometimes it makes me sad but apart from a cursory "sorry about x" I don't need any other support.

Just goes to show everyone is different.

Oh Lepetitpiggy Is there someone you can tell? Surely it's fine to still be hurting after a year, and acknowledge that, it's such a short time. As mentioned before, best friend's DH is struggling a year on and we talk about his grief. Conversations veer all over the place from laughing, to crying to voicing regrets and going over the good and bad bits of her life and how things are for him now. Hopefully it helps him in some way.

DH has been bereaved (twice) recently and he doesn't want to talk about how he feels. Everyone is different I guess and so I just go along with his way of dealing with it.

I wish I had somebody to talk to. I don't and it's unbearable at times.

@missingmydad I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad, and the lack of sympathy you have received is awful. My mother died suddenly just over a week ago (she was 88), and I have been touched by the cards and messages I have been sent, some of them from unexpected people. I've even had flowers from the rest home she was in and a card from her doctor. Some who I thought might have been in touch I haven't heard from at all, while others have visited and taken me out for lunch etc.

Like @Chesntoots I am a practical "life goes on" sort of person and really don't need a lot of support, but at the same time I do appreciate the words and gestures of those who have take the time to offer it.

As none of us know just how another will react I think it important to acknowledge their loss, and be guided by their reaction.

That's lovely you've had that support. Sorry for your loss of your mom

I reached out to the one person I thought I could talk to in desperation last night but it became all about them. I hung up on them when they said "I hate funerals, I want to go straight from morgue to fire" I won't be trying again.

I had two anniversaries last week - my dm and ds. I don't tend to talk about them around friends unless asked (which is very rare.)
I attended a celebration at a friend's yesterday and got quite overwhelmed and emotional explaining how difficult the past few days have been. I've woken up today cringing about it because it just made everyone embarrassed and awkward. None of this set of friends has lost anyone close and we're all similar age. I've simply retreated back into my shell and won't be sharing unless specifically asked in future.

I think people find it hard to know how to support the bereaved. People are normally very well meaning but are probably afraid of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.
Everyone has their own stuff to deal with and people grieve in different ways. Some people like to get on with it and some people want to be alone, it's not going to be possible to know what support people need when.
I don't think yabu but as others have said it is difficult to know how to support someone.

@missingmydad Thanks for your kind words, and I am beyond amazed at the way you were spoken to by the person you reached out to for support, it was so insensitive. Hugs to you.

YABU. People have different reactions to this. When I had a bereavement in the family I wanted nothing more than to NOT talk about it - I just wanted to go on with life and distract myself. I’d have hated it if people were banging on about it all the time. Even the people who kindly offered condolences made me cringe, for some reason. I’d have been sooooooo upset and annoyed if even after the funeral people still treated me differently over it. People are different and there’s no one-size-fits-all cure of appropriate method of behaviour.

I totally get this OP.

Seven months since my mum passed and I am
Still struggling so much. I want my closest friends to not assume I am ok and forgotten. So don’t ask me if I had a fun birthday/Christmas etc ask if I found them tough without her. Don’t tell me such and such’s Mum died the other day, details of how she was found dead at home, acknowledge I could find that upsetting.

I have cooled towards a number of people who I think were not good friends to me since my mum passed. I really don’t think I can feel the same about them again.

I voted YANBU as I don't think you are being at all unreasonable. If you want people around you supporting you for a while longer than the funeral then hopefully some will do that.

However, people who want to be left alone to retreat into their shell are not unreasonable either. Nor are those for whom a return to some semblance of normality was the most important thing.

We are all different. There is no right or wrong way to grieve so it can be very hard to know what to say and do, which makes people fear getting it wrong.

When I lost df the only people who got it had been bereaved themselves. I also found out who were my friends.

www.npr.org/2005/08/08/4785079/always-go-to-the-funeral?t=1583727124772

How are you doing? ... I’m a big toucher too - a hand on the arm

I know you feel this is a good thing but it's definitely not for everyone.

I was doing ok, I was back at work and managing to compartmentalise my grief. Went out at lunch time to do a bit of christmas shopping and bumped into someone in the carpark that I hadn't seen since the funeral.

She did exactly this to me, with a slightly tilted head and I burst into tears. She left to do her shopping and I got into the car and broke my fucking heart, I coudn't stop sobbing for ages, I drove away blinded by tears because I was worried she would come back out and see the state I was in and want to offer some unwanted support.

I had to call work and say I'd slipped on some ice and wouldn't be back in that afternoon.

I know she meant well but had she just said a generic "Hi, how are you" , I could have said fine and chatted away about last minute Christmas shopping and avoid mentioning anything else. That, I think, would be sending a message that I didn't want to talk about the death.

Her question along with the touching made it clear she was enquiring about how I was coping with regards to losing my Dad.

I don't for a minute blame her for any of my reactions, she wasn't trying to make me cry in a carpark and I accept that is how she does things, just as I think people should also accept that some people just don't mention it at all and that is how they do things.

I agree with a previous poster that saying the wrong thing can be worse than nothing. My SIL's DH committed suicide 2 weeks ago. My MIL, who is famous for inappropriate comments and lack of tact, talked to her two days later about the time FIL attempted suicide but in her words, "I wouldn't let him".

My SIL has been blaming herself since the day her husband died, thinking there was something she should have seen or done to have prevented it. I'm still angry that her own mother came out with a comment like that - how on earth is that doing her any good?!

How are you doing? ... I’m a big toucher too - a hand on the arm

I almost picked up on this one. I would not like it and would see it as an invasion of my personal space. I wouldn't be rude enough to react in front of the person as I would know that it came from a place of kindness, but inside I would have recoiled a bit.

I am not a touchy-feely person. I like to retreat into my shell to lick my wounds by myself for a while. That works for me.

YANBU.

My grandad was taken into hospital. First person I let know while I was in A&E with him waiting for admission was my best friend. We saw each other at least once a week, speak at least twice a week. She was like my sister. I saw her two days later and she asked how he was doing. I told her his heart was failing and he wouldn't be coming out. That was a Sunday.

I didn't hear from her again until Friday when she sent a text saying "Off on holibobs, see you when I get back. Hope you're grandad is feeling better x" She was going with mutual friends. Feeling better? He's FUCKING DYING. How I didn't text back something extremely bitter I don't know.

She got back the following Saturday. No text or phone call to see what was going on. Nor Sunday. Nor Tuesday. I heard from her Wednesday because a mutual friend had heard on Tuesday night that my grandad had died Monday morning. Just a "Sorry to hear x"

There was a thing we were both involved with that I had to continue so was there Thursday evening as normal. So was she. She never came near me. Nor the following Monday. The following Thursday she did say hello as she walked by me.

Suffice it to say it's fucked our friendship of many, many years.

I just cant talk to anyone properly. DH and eldest DD are brilliant but say things like 'It'll take time...come on, you'll be okay..' and kind of change the subject as if I am embarrassing.
I know I cant bring her back, I know she was old, so it's somehow 'expected' but I miss her so much

Totally agree OP, speaking from personal experience.

Some are some aren't.

DH's 20 year old son died at Christmas. Cancer diagnosed 2 years ago.

What helped us was people who are OK to talk about it, acknowledge his existence, that he died, his life up to then.

It made me realise that it's OK to ask - how are you? How are you doing? How's the family. And then to listen.

Not mentioning it isn't helpful.

But also - when people are kind that kind be really difficult.

As a culture we don't quite get it though. I really agree with that. We've lost the rituals that go with it. I think mourning was such a useful thing.

As it happened just before Christmas when we all went back to work there was people who didn't know and it was hard to answer the 'how was your Christmas?' niceties. Wearing black would have been a signifier.