To think people are crap at supporting bereaved

[growingweeble]

When someone’s partner, parent, sibling dies generally people get they need some tlc. But, that tlc doesn’t last long. AIBU to think people should intuitively understand that support is needed beyond the funeral?

I’ve lost many people.

The one thing I need from people is to acknowledge it. To say they’re sorry for my loss. Those that don’t acknowledge it hurt me greatly.

Then yes, support and understanding that it doesn’t end the day after the funeral.

Yup! When my husband died suddenly aged 45, I had people cross the road rather than speak to me. Everyone expected me to be ‘over it’ in 6 weeks! The people who did visit me - I frequently found myself comforting them!

Somebody at my DC's toddler group lost a close relative, I remember them saying that people would come to talk to them and it became about them.

I appreciated the - very few - people who took the trouble to write a proper letter after my mum died. I always make sure that I write rather than just send a card, but a card is better than no acknowledgment at all. But now I am of an age when friends are dying, it seems there is no protocol for acknowledging the loss of a friend - which can leave a huge gap in one's life, frankly more than most family members!

When my dh died I had the people crossing the road, my dh killed him self so I think that can make more people act strangely around you. I actively hated the people who carried on about him dying when they couldn’t of cared less about him when he was alive.

It doesn’t cost anything to acknowledge a death

My mum passed away last year and my parents had been married for 52 years . I don’t expect him to get over this at all
But I make sure I ring my dad every day & see him pretty much every other day & either myself or DH take him out for dinner / lunch twice a week and he visits my sister every week for dinner . He also visits his sister and other family members in rotation so he isn’t isolated and gets plenty of free food 😂
I do stuff for him to make things easier like admin
I dealt pretty much with the funeral getting probate and sorting out life insurance policies and closing bank accounts .
And I encourage him to get out as much as possible. He knows that if he needs anything someone is only a few mins away .

I can’t imagine how hard it would be for someone who has no one to do this for them when they just want to grieve
He has said that neighbours haven’t really said much apart from one who he is good friends with but I did explain that it’s not because people don’t care they just don’t know what to say

We're never taught how.

After my Mum's death everyone just fucked off back to their lives and left me alone, but I can’t blame them for that if I’m honest. I couldn’t even articulate what I needed but I wished some people had tried to understand and tried to help. I was in too much pain to even ask for what I needed but everyone just went on about their lives while mine crumbled. I know it sounds unreasonable when I read it back, but I had hoped someone would see the state I was in and helped me. I remember a few nights sitting with a knife on the side table thinking all I had to do was pick it up, use it and I would be free of the pain. I suspect if I had succeeded, there would have been a lot of talk about how they never expected that of me.

This is one of the things that churches do so well. You are certainly not expected to be “over” it straight after the funeral. Your minister visits you regularly, your congregation support you and pray for you. My dear old minister even visited every parishioner on the anniversaries of their bereavements, because he knew that would be a difficult time for them emotionally. He kept all the dates noted in his diary.
I think I ended up crying through every church service for over a year after DH died aged 36 - it was the only time I was away from my toddlers and not at work, so had space to grieve without upsetting anyone. And always either the minister or a fellow worshipper would give me a hug and ask if I was ok.
I think atheists might be less comfortable about death and less able to give support - they believe that you will never see your loved one again and that they are rotting in a grave or reduced to ashes.
It’s understandably difficult to find anything uplifting to say in the face of such bleak, nihilistic belief, other than a standard expression of condolence for your loss.
That might be why they cross the road to avoid you - not because they don’t care, but because they have nothing positive to offer, and find your grief a reminder of their own eventual mortality, which they may struggle to face.

When my dd died, my house was full of people. We recieved hundreds of mass cards and flowers were everywhere.
After the funeral I found it really difficult when several people I knew avoided me on the street. I suppose they felt uncomfortable. It didn't help that I gave birth to dd2 8 weeks after dd1 died.
Most people thought I was over it because I had a new baby hardly any of my friends mentioned dd1.
I wish people could understand that the grief never leaves you.

Its taught me that I will always acknowledge someone's loss.

Surely everyone's different and may not want constant ongoing 'support' after a bereavement. When my parent's died, at different times, it was enough that people offered condolences then got on with life. I returned to work the day after my mother's funeral, the last day of term, to get it over with and to be able to start the new term normally.
If people need more then they should let others know in some way, personally I found it became intrusive.

It not always the case. Some of my friends have been wonderfully supportive since my daughter died.

'The one thing I need from people is to acknowledge it. To say they’re sorry for my loss. Those that don’t acknowledge it hurt me greatly.'

I appreciate just that: saying 'I'm sorry for your loss'. But I am much more hurt by intrusive acknowledgements than by no acknowledgement. I get upset by any 'instruction' about grieving, whether it's 'You should be over it by now' or pressing me to do more to 'mark the person's passing' or insisting on coming to 'grieve with me' (especially from people who didn't actually know the person who died). Many years later, I still feel unreasonable resentment toward the person who, when my father died, tried to nag me to join a bereavement support group at a local church (she was not a member of this group; had just seen a notice about it, and neither my dad nor I was religious). I know she meant well, but it definitely made things worse at a bad time. What I wish is for people to carry on with friendship pretty much as usual: no avoidance; no condolence rituals; no advice unless I ask for it; look out for me just a bit more than usual, but no pressure of any sort.

I couldn’t even articulate what I needed
Then how are others to know?

I think the circumstances surrounding the death ie was it tragic, the relationship to deceased, the age of etc somewhat impact on people’s behaviours.

For example, I suspect most people despite not being able to empathise would show great sympathy to a parent that loses a young child. That’s an unbearable situation and shouldn’t happen. Ironically, given the above example is so tragic I think people can feel like they don’t know to say to the bereaved. It is a shame because it looks like people don’t care but I’m sure they really do.

Another example would be someone in their 60’s losing their 88 year old mother. It’s sad for the bereaved but in general terms it’s not tragic. I wouldn’t imagine people would have the same prolonged compassion as they would for the former example. It would be expected that they would be back at work much earlier than the former and wouldn’t need anywhere near as much support as the former.

Grief is a personal joinery of course, but there are time frames by which society would expect people to feel better etc (not to say that’s right, just my experience)

It's difficult when siblings grieve differently too. My siblings need a very different sort of grieving to me, they are more public about it and I'm not. We're now very LC/NC as a result.

Yes totally agree.

It took me 3 years to feel even partially normal after my brother's suicide.

Nobody understood why I found it difficult to work and study, or why i was miserable mostly. Especially as I had given birth not long before his death.

People are shits, but i guess they'll never really understand until it happens to them.

Everyone has different needs though. After my mum died several aunts started to "mother" me, thinking that that was what I needed. What I needed was some peace and quiet and to be left alone so I could process what had happened.

You want more tlc, I wanted less of it at that time. That is the problem with grieving, everyone does it differently and there is no right or wrong in doing so.

I felt let down by a lot of friends when my dad died.. they just went quiet and I felt unsupported, and some of the people who really stood by my side were acquaintances who I didn't expect to.

So from my experience I feel like I really want to support others who are grieving.. but my close friend who just lost her 45 year old brother has said she doesn't want it mentioned, doesn't want sympathy.. literally wants to carry on as normal or she'll breakdown. So people are different.

@user14366425683113 100% agree with everything you wrote. Noone is expecting people to give some beautiful speech or to make everything ok,- just bloody be there for me, be kind, let me cry and support me. Thats not asking too much of someone who is supposed to be a friend FGS.

Yes I remember when my dad passed years ago I was early twenties, I text my friend to tell her and she didn't reply for a week! That was very hurtful. Some people just don't even try because they don't know what to say which is worse than saying something awkwardly I think

Thats not asking too much of someone who is supposed to be a friend FGS.

Unfortunately I think it is. I have had two cards, both from distant family, and zero sympathy from so called friends. Not a single text, phone call or note.

and zero sympathy from so called friends. Not a single text, phone call or note

I am so so sorry @missingmydad

I think you should drop those so-called "friends", thats not how friends treat each other. Its mean and its cruel. I get sometimes people dont know what to say, but a "I'm so sorry, I'm thinking of you" is not hard or difficult to express and it makes you feel less alone. I often think those people will never truly get it until it happens to them, and it will happen to them eventually because it affects all of us in the end.

While I totally agree that some people are rubbish at providing support, I actually think the bigger problem is that people are very bad at judging for themselves what support they need and making that clear to other people. Obviously in a grief situation it's very very hard to have that sort of clarity of thought but it's always going to be the case that unless you state what you need or look for what you need, you're unlikely to get it. I don't think it's fair to expect other people to guess what you need and then get angry when they don't provide it - I think it's probably a normal side effect of grieving to feel that way - lonely and in need of recognition - but that doesn't mean it's healthy or productive or even accurate.

I do a lot with my kids to get them to articulate their feelings and needs clearly, using words rather than hints. At least when you ask for something and don't get it you can be sure the other person has let you down rather than assuming they have, when in fact they may just not have picked up your cues or signals.

I have. It's not the lack of support for me that hurts but the lack of 'something' I don't know what. He was on this planet for over 80 years and all his life was worth was two cards?

This thread is very interesting for getting perspective on how I am feeling.
Someone I loved died. This person was not a blood relative but had been important in my life. A blood relative did a lot to help me at that time even stayed over before the funeral and went to the funeral with me although they didn't know a single person there.
Many years before this at another death the same person did the best they could to help me between the death and the funeral, and after the funeral with clearing the house.
Later another person died. This was a very close blood relative and given that I was still upset about the first person, within an hour of the death I was left alone. No-one offered to stay over with me. No family member put an arm round me or even a pat on the shoulder/arm.
Now a number of years later I just don't feel anything at all. I am not happy with family and how they acted. I thought they would have had more humanity about them. I can not be touched by anyone and I feel that this is due to the lack of human contact at the time of the last mentioned death and to date.
I don't ask anyone for anything and I would never ask family to help me in anyway. I am functioning but mostly I think I am a lump of lead inside. I would given anything for a hug from family or even just a pat on the shoulder/arm. Now I keep clear of people most of the time.