To think people are crap at supporting bereaved

[growingweeble]

When someone’s partner, parent, sibling dies generally people get they need some tlc. But, that tlc doesn’t last long. AIBU to think people should intuitively understand that support is needed beyond the funeral?

@missingmydad
That's so sad, hope your ok.

Yes absolutely OP

Have you suffered a loss recently you would like to tell us about?

I think a big part of it is people don’t know what to say. I’m generalising older people seem to be better than that than younger / under 30s in my experience. I think it’s because people tend to get it when they have suffered a loss themselves.

I lost my DD as a baby and the hospital staff, funeral director, my work and family and friends were great in the immediate aftermath and at the funeral but it was v much back to normal after that.

A year on some close family members didn’t even acknowledge that a year had passed, haven’t acknowledged her birthday.

Having said that, some people have pleasantly surprised me.

I don't think it's fair to expect other people to guess what you need and then get angry when they don't provide it

I don’t agree with this. Even if we don’t know exactly what we want and tell people, I think most of us don’t want to be completely left alone without acknowledgment, and most people who have suffered a loss would (I believe) realise that. There are not many people on this thread saying “I had too much support!”

I also did tell a couple of friends when I thought they’d let me down. One used not wanting to “intrude” as an excuse but continued to not even call or text me after that. Once I’d had to tell her my thoughts a second time that was the end of the friendship. It wasn’t the fact that she didn’t know what I wanted that kept her away. Another friend was completely the opposite and stepped up after I was honest with her.

I think a lot of people are just wrapped up in themselves tbh.

DukeChatsworth
The one thing I need from people is to acknowledge it. To say they’re sorry for my loss. Those that don’t acknowledge it hurt me greatly.
Thanks for that. I always say “sorry for your loss* to bereaved people but don’t know what else to say. I worry that whatever I do say is too glib, too cliched, too sentimental, too awkward etc. To know that simply acknowledging the death really helps, thanks for that advice!

“Sorry for your loss” is one thing. Some people don’t even say that, granted, but what about after that?

My struggle was people not getting in touch after the funeral. They probably don’t want to ask how I am in case it sounds bad. They don’t want to offer to meet up in case I’m not up for it. Some people said the “wrong” thing but I appreciated that they’d said something!

The thing I always ask now is “How are you doing?” It’s open ended enough for someone to give you a clue what they need. I’m a big toucher too - a hand on the arm or shoulder shows you care when a full blown hug wouldn’t be appropriate.

I think a lot of people are just wrapped up in themselves tbh.

Totally agree.

It's hard for people to know what they want, it's hard for those around grieving people to know what is needed.

I lost my mum this year. My sibling and I reacted in totally different ways to it. What one of us needed was exactly what the other would most hate and vice versa. I loathed getting the cards, although I knew they were well-meant. It was just a daily "yes, she's still dead and you're even further away from her" reminder. My sibling cherished every card, displayed them for ages. I can't bear to cry in front of people, my sibling appreciates company and physical comfort when distressed. If you knew us before, you'd have assumed the roles would be reversed. Grief is strange.

OP, if you've lost someone, I'm sorry for your loss - and the losses of all those who've posted here. Tell your friends/neighbours what you need; I'm sure they'd love to help but don't know how.

I think sometimes people don't know what to say but really the point is that you don't need to say much- 'I'm so sorry, how are you keeping'; is probably adequate because it gives the person an opportunity to speak about their loved one.

I do think that people forget after a few weeks whereas the person who has suffered the loss has to cope with it for life.

YANBU. Mind you the bereaved are often crap at being bereaved. When I lost a parent a few years back whatever some said to me that they were sorry I’d spit out ‘oh it’s ok’ as a knee jerk reaction, every single time . Death and bereavement are awkward to navigate, not least of all because everyone reacts differently.

@Reginabambina I have done that too! It’s so awkward sometimes.

My mum died on new years day this year. When I went to work a couple of days later everyone did the "so sorry to hear" with head tilt and pat on the arm. Since then nothing, till this week everyone going on about mothers day has just made me feel like I am wading through treacle again. I have no mum. A customer asked "how are you coping?", that felt so warm and caring in comparison that I nearly cried. Just 4 words. They help make you feel less 'alone'.

Everyone is different and has different needs so how can you be intuitive about it.

Some don't want it mentioned in work in case they burst into tears when they are trying to compartmentalise
Some want to talk, others don't
Some want offers of food/company/a night out, others want to be left alone
Some want to spend time with close family only, others want outside contact

Everyone is different and you need to make a best guess what they are looking for and if the bereaved person doesn't give some clues sometimes people get it wrong.

if the bereaved person doesn't give some clues sometimes people get it wrong

That’s where empathy comes in and knowing how to elicit the clues.

@BunnytheBee I think it's true that most people would want acknowledgement but beyond that I think what people want is very very personal and it's very hard for anyone else to get it right without some steer from the grieving person.

Now, if you say what you want/need to a person and they just don't give it, then you have pretty solid confirmation that they're not much of a friend, which in one way is a good thing as you can cut your losses and move on. But if you don't say what you want/need then you can't really assume that the person isn't giving it to you because they're a bad friend, it may be that they're just worried and don't know how to approach you. Sometimes you have to be the person to make the first move, hard as that is. It's about looking out for yourself and making sure you at least try to get the support that will get you through.

@Alsohuman do you feel you're good at empathy and eliciting the clues? Do you feel you know exactly what to say to someone and how to support them in a tough time like bereavement?

I am actually pretty good at supporting people much of the time - it's pretty common for people to talk to me about things, bereavement included. I used to be quite angry about the fact that people didn't tend to do the same for me, but over time I've learned that if I'm much clearer about what I need it works out a lot better and actually it strengthens friendships as friends are able to confidently provide me with what I need without having to guess.

I suppose what I'm saying is that you can feel angry that people around you don't pick up your cues and get it right or you can state what you need and either get what you need or identify those people who just aren't going to step up.

We are all different though. I lost my Dad and my husband within a fortnight. I had enough on my plate and just couldn't be doing with people at all. Grief is very private.

How would anyone know what level of support another person would need unless the grieving person who needs support says so.

I wanted to be left alone.

@Alsohuman empathy isn’t going to work unless you know the nature of the relationship between the bereaved and the deceased as well as the bearded themselves quite intimately. When I lost my mother the first ‘cue’ that most people elicited was ‘oh do fuck off’ due to how insufferable they were being. Nothing worse than a smug consoler. Especially her friends who tried to ‘take me under their wing’, I suffered them as long as I could out of respect for their own grief but barring one they were terrible at reading my silent ‘I don’t feel the way you do, it should be pretty ducking obvious’ signals.

@Babdoc

That certainly doesn’t happen at the church I go to.

@TheDailyCarbuncle The thing is I’m not talking about specifics. I’m talking about a friend who didn’t send me a card, text or call for months after the funeral. Another friend who would text me and suggest meeting up and then not reply when I tried to arrange it (she had had a tough year too for different reasons). Another not v close friend who definitely knew as she works with one of my best friends. I can understand her not knowing what to say so not texting or sending a card but that’s made me feel uncomfortable now about meeting up. If we’re not close enough that you can send a card or a message to say sorry then we’re not close enough that we should be meeting for lunch / dinner. I’m talking about people no getting in touch. At all. I’m a private person and I’ve felt let down by people. I don’t think I’m wrong for feeling that way. I’m not having a go at you by the way but this feeling of having been let down had really added to my grief.

@BeyondMyWits I’m sorry about your mom. Those kinds of comments infuriate me. I lost my DD and I don’t talk about it at work and I don’t expect others to but don’t give me the “my kids are such hard work” when I only bump into you once a month and didn’t ask about your kids... and you know my only child died... Or people constantly talk about maternity leave to me when I just returned from my maternity leave and you all know my DD died...

Don't give flowers. You run out of vases really quickly.

I think people are very wrapped up in their own lives and just assume someone else will do it

I was part of a group of four friends. We’d known each other since we were children. My lovely friend died 18 months ago and the way the others, their partners and our wider friendship group have been with her widower absolutely shocked me.

People forget that days still hurt because they’ve immersed themselves back in their lives and it’s not an every day pain for them

Alsohuman do you feel you're good at empathy and eliciting the clues? Do you feel you know exactly what to say to someone and how to support them in a tough time like bereavement?

I seem to have empathy. Of course I don’t know exactly what to say but I have supported a number of friends through bereavement. The fact that I’ve experienced quite a lot of it myself helps. I’ve spent quite a lot of time mopping tears in coffee shops over the last couple of years. My friends and I have reached that age.

Everyone's different. My best friend of 15 years passed away the month before we were supposed to attend grad school together, and the best thing anyone did was to acknowledge it, and help me carry on as per normal. I hated the 'how are you doing'. I hated people 'checking up' to make sure I was okay. I hated being so-called babied and taken care of.

What I appreciated more than anything was this other friend of mine sitting next to me on the first day of school, 'stealing' my schedule and copying it because she'd 'forgotten' to print hers out. We went for a run after that, finished the day off at our favourite all-day breakfast spot, and just before we left I still remember her saying 'I think [best friend] would be really proud of us'.

Life went on and that normalcy from her I believe was what helped me get through everything.