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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tinder date sex **Trigger warning - title edited by MNHQ**

107 replies

Ifeeldisgusting · 07/03/2020 21:52

I feel traumatised.
We spoke for a while. He was looking for long term, and so was I.
We met up for a drink, we ended up back at his and we got hot.
Everything amazing, until the sex. I told him to stop half way through and he wouldn't. He was too rough, I had to pretend half way through I was enjoying it. I did tell him to stop. I bled a bit too. I feel disgusting. I had just finished my period too and I told him to use a condom. He wanted to take it off and I said no I don't want anymore kids yet. Afterwards he moaned that he wouldn't normally had to buy condoms and that they were shit. My head is a mess. I feel dirty. I've never had a one night stand and only ever slept with boyfriends. It was the worst sex ever. I consented at the start. But he wouldn't stop when I said stop.

OP posts:
Xenia · 09/03/2020 11:15

At the very least it may be worth reporting him to the website so he doesn't do it to other women.

Puffalicious · 09/03/2020 20:40

How are you today OP?

Shinycat · 09/03/2020 20:43

@Ifeeldisgusting Fuckin' hell I am SOOOOOO sorry this happened to you, your poor thing. Sad

I don't know what to say, except please do NOT blame yourself, maybe get checked for STI, and PLEASE consider reporting this vile man to the police.

(((HUGS)) and flowers Flowers

Please keep talking to us on here.

Original poster
Ifeeldisgusting · 10/03/2020 04:30

Thank you for everyone's messages Flowers

I told both friends, one was I think in shock and didn't know what to say but she was there for me. The other, when I told her I slept with him she was all laughing and joking but when I told her he didn't stop when I told him to I got a bollocking from her saying I shouldn't of gone back there with him. I can see her point, I feel bad enough as it is and feel worse now she's had a go at me. But what I don't understand is why have a laugh and a joke when I said I slept with him but then give me a bollocking when I said he wouldn't stop! So my head is still a mess.

I get counselling and have had it since May last year so I will speak to her tomorrow on Wednesday when I see her.

I have reported it to Tinder when I unmatched him and have kept his Snapchat and phone number blocked. I don't know if I will tell the Police myself but I will definitely tell my counsellor and if she has to take it further then she can as I can't deal with doing it myself.

I just feel slightly shit cos of this one friend. Still not telling my parents.

OP posts:
Pandamoore · 10/03/2020 04:46

She is not your friend op. She is a cunt. Remove that frenemy from your life and surround yourself with better people. Anyone who kicks someone when they are down like that (let alone a friend!) is not a nice person. She lacks empathy. I'm sure you will have seen prior examples from her of shittyness.

I hope you feel better soon op. Good luck with whatever you decide on. Might be wise to see a ho either way and get the injury on record if you feel up to it. Then maybe if you decide to report it later there will be evidence of it on record

Pandamoore · 10/03/2020 04:47

*see a gp

Indiemeg · 10/03/2020 06:04

Can’t really add much except to agree with the other comments, please take advice from Rape Crisis on how to proceed and don’t try to contact him.You are not even in a relationship, he has committed a criminal act and don’t feel guilty this was not your fault.

Makinglemonadeoutoflemons · 10/03/2020 07:34

I am so sorry you were put through this!

Please please seek help, this man raped you, you didn't deserve to be hurt!
Please talk to a friend and get their support as you get professional help! You have nothing to feel dirty about, unfortunately sexual abuse does leave you feeling this way, but it shouldn't!

I'm sure you aren't the first woman he has done this to, tinder is a great hunting ground for him, and unfortunately until someone reports him and putsch stop to it, he's going to continue to do this to women.

My first sexual experience at 16yrs old with my boyfriend of 6 months was similar, he'd been putting a huge amount of pressure on me so I reluctantly consented, we started, I asked him to stop and his response was no it's too late! He didn't physically hurt me but
He was incredibly emotionally abusive
I didn't realise he had REN emotionally abusing me/- or that I'd been raped until I escaped when my family moved away.
It caused me a lot of emotional damage and I got into a cycle of choosing abusive men, thankfully I eventually broke the cycle and have an amazing husband.
I never reported him, or told anyone, I really wish I had!

Sending you hugs.

Helen0709 · 10/03/2020 10:42

Please dont feel bad about what your friend said..I'm not making excuses for her but she obviously wasn't expecting you to say you had been raped. I'd definitely text her and let her know how she has made u feel and see what her response is. If it's still as shitty I'd cut her loose and tell her to fuck off tbh!! But If shes a good friend and you weren't expecting that response from her,chances are she feels awful and didn't know what to say and said first thing in the heat of the moment. Please dont stew over her comments,but let her know that shes hurt you and go from there!
That's fantastic you already have a counselor,tell her all and get it off your chest. It maybe doesn't seem like it to you,but you are being so strong and you will get through this!! Big hugs xxx

somanydevices · 10/03/2020 10:47

what I don't understand is why have a laugh and a joke when I said I slept with him but then give me a bollocking when I said he wouldn't stop!

It's not possible to understand as it no sense. This all about her and no reflection on you at all. Who knows why, when told her friend has been raped, this women's response is to find a way to blame it on the woman, but it's her inappropriate response and nothing at all to do with you or with what happened. I suggest you give her a wide berth as she's not up to supporting you.

I'm glad to hear you do have a good friend. You don't have to tell your parents. You do what's right for you. I didn't tell them. As a parent I'd want my daughter to tell me, but as a daughter I totally understand not wanting to. There's no right or wrong way. It's about what works best for you in helping you deal with this.

Inappropriatefemale · 10/03/2020 11:12

Omfg this guy is a creep! Sending virtual hugs.

I can’t believe he even asked you why you became a mother! Weirdo.

Inappropriatefemale · 10/03/2020 11:17

Legally though it may be hard to prove, rape cases are and they often get flung out of court.

My friend got raped in September 2017 and it went to court in March last year and one of the guys got off and the other was found guilty, one of the guys punched her front tooth out and if he hadn’t have did that then she feels that he would’ve been found not guilty, how bad is that?! She was an escort though and the guys lawyer tried to make out that she had received payment and that it wasn’t rape, it was a female lawyer as well, I always wonder why a female lawyer would take a case like this on, I know it’s their job but I question lots of lawyers that take certain cases on, maybe she had zero choice, I don’t know how the law works that way.

Areyoufree · 10/03/2020 11:45

She was an escort though and the guys lawyer tried to make out that she had received payment and that it wasn’t rape

WTF??? Sorry for the derail, but that has utterly shocked me.

Original poster
Ifeeldisgusting · 10/03/2020 16:58

Thank you everyone for your responses. I am definitely telling my counsellor tomorrow, I took the pill today, cost me but its given me a little peace. My counsellor will more than likely have to report it herself so I will let her do that.

As for the friend, at this point I think I will just see if she contacts me.

OP posts:
Inappropriatefemale · 10/03/2020 17:44

Yes AreYouFree I know, it is shocking, the guy that got a guilty has another charge for rape as well so I don’t understand how one could be found guilty and the other not when it was a gang rape! I really don’t get the courts, female judge as well!

Lynda07 · 10/03/2020 19:02

I am so sorry about your friend's reaction.

I'm 70 years old but something like that happened to me when I was young; I felt numb but did confide in a couple of girls and they didn't believe me which was awful.

We really do have to be careful about whom we confide in. I know everyone should be sensitive and sympathetic but the fact is they are not so self protection is important. I would say only confide something like that to a person who is equipped to deal with it, not any silly friend - who may well not keep it confidential anyway and who wants everyone to know about such a personal thing?

I feel very sorry for you, it's hard enough to process a sexual assault without that.
Flowers

Inappropriatefemale · 11/03/2020 00:01

So true about being careful as to confide in, my GP once told me that friends weren’t always the best to confide in as they can get angry on your behalf or because they know you then their advice is based on how they think your emotions are, it made sense as soon as he said it, and I prefer telling complete strangers on the internet, or counsellors, my issues, if/when I have any.

MrsMoastyToasty · 11/03/2020 00:23

Get yourself checked for STIs. And report to the police.

madmumofteens · 12/03/2020 19:59

I hope you are ok OP and seeing your counsellor helped yesterday x

Original poster
Ifeeldisgusting · 13/03/2020 19:52

This week has been a bit of a roller-coaster, I haven't had a great week. I've felt sick all week and my apitite has been very low. I didn't think this would affect me much but it has a lot. I've been crying a lot too.

My counsellor reassured me that it wasn't my fault, and that my friend who had a go at me was her opinion and not mine, because she wasn't there. When we started to discuss something else she stopped me and said are you sure you're okay from the guy from Tinder, and she kept reassuring me that it was him and not me. I didn't think it would affect me this much. My counsellor could tell it was affecting me massively.

It's giving me so much anxiety at thought of reporting him.

OP posts:
toothfairy73 · 13/03/2020 21:14

I understand it's scary, it's a huge decision that you need the be ready for. No one can tell you want to do, I really recommend you talking it through (with your counsellor, or an ISVA). Not sure if I have already shared this, this is a blog that I and the other 4 warriors wrote about our experiences throughout the legal process. warriorwoman.blog/2019/03/07/to-report-or-not-to-report-that-is-the-question-febuary-2/. Sending you lots of love

madmumofteens · 14/03/2020 14:55

Oh OP be kind to yourself you have to give yourself time to heal do what you can to get through this 💐 x

Original poster
Ifeeldisgusting · 14/03/2020 17:16

@madmumofteens thank you Flowers

Sorry if TMI I'm currently in out of hours because I'm in absolute agony when I wee but it doesn't hurt where I wee it's just inside the vagina area, and I can't wee much either. The pain goes sort of after I wee but then comes back shortly after. I told them I couldn't wait until Monday because I was in so much pain. I don't think it could be an STI as he wore a condom. I'm hoping it's just stititus or whatever its called as that's what the pharmacy said it may be.

OP posts:
Lollygaggles · 14/03/2020 17:24

Perhaps you have got a tear in the tissue at the entrance of your vagina and bruising. I'm glad you're getting examined OP, I hope firstly they can make you comfortable and support you Flowers then if you decide to report him you will have the evidence.

This happened to me when I was a young woman. It was not your fault.

madmumofteens · 14/03/2020 18:33

Oh OP that's awful I hope you will be ok you poor soul 💐