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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tinder date sex **Trigger warning - title edited by MNHQ**

107 replies

Ifeeldisgusting · 07/03/2020 21:52

I feel traumatised.
We spoke for a while. He was looking for long term, and so was I.
We met up for a drink, we ended up back at his and we got hot.
Everything amazing, until the sex. I told him to stop half way through and he wouldn't. He was too rough, I had to pretend half way through I was enjoying it. I did tell him to stop. I bled a bit too. I feel disgusting. I had just finished my period too and I told him to use a condom. He wanted to take it off and I said no I don't want anymore kids yet. Afterwards he moaned that he wouldn't normally had to buy condoms and that they were shit. My head is a mess. I feel dirty. I've never had a one night stand and only ever slept with boyfriends. It was the worst sex ever. I consented at the start. But he wouldn't stop when I said stop.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 08/03/2020 00:41

Op sending you strength and good wishes.

I’m glad you plan to get RL suppprt from your friends. Some professional help might be good too. Eg rape crisis.

Your plan to get the morning after pill is a good one too.
Hope you are able to get some rest.

somanydevices · 08/03/2020 00:55

You can find your nearest SARC centre, should you choose to, on this NHS page:

www.nhs.uk/service-search/other-services/Rape-and-sexual-assault-referral-centres/LocationSearch/364

TheVanguardSix · 08/03/2020 01:07

God, your poor soul.
I’m at a loss for words. What an absolutely terrible experience, one you could not have foreseen!
You grab hold of every amount of support out there and take time to heal. And don’t lose sight of the fact that there is nothing wrong with casual sex/one night stands. You’ve just had the terrible, terrible misfortune of meeting a rapist!
You could not EVER have known this. I can’t emphasise this enough. Your healing starts now. Keep reminding yourself of this. Flowers

tulipsmith · 08/03/2020 01:10

That sounds horrible. You need to report him before he does it to others!

NiteWotcha · 08/03/2020 01:15

Hi OP Flowers

So sorry about your awful experience.
Rape is a crime.

I have asked MNHQ to put a trigger warning in the title of this thread - they will hopefully see this first thing in the morning.

Please think about contacting your nearest SARC.

Be gentle with yourself- you did nothing wrong. He is a rapist.

DaveTheDesigner · 08/03/2020 01:21

That’s plainly rape. He’ll do it again. Report him.

Yourteaisgettingcold · 08/03/2020 06:44

Dontjumptoconclusions - no need to victim blame, this wasnt her fault.

Bluewater1 · 08/03/2020 06:57

OP I am so sorry this happened to you. This is not your fault. You are not disgusting and it is entirely up to you what you want to do next. If you want to attend a SARC the NHS website lists them. They will support you. Rape crisis have a phoneline and they are very supportive. I am glad you are reaching out to your friends Flowers

toothfairy73 · 08/03/2020 06:58

I'm so sorry this has happened. Like the others said contact your lock so SARC, you don't need to have reported this and they won't pressurise you to do so. You have to do what you are comfortable doing. He may do this again but you are not responsible for his actions, he is. You have to be ready to report and it is a big decision. If you can't face SARC do you have a female GP that you trust? Get an appointment and get checked over /morning after pill etc. That way there is a record of it should you wish to report it later.

I really recommend calling rape crisis. They can put you in touch with an independent sexual violence advocate who you can talk through the options with. They won't pressurise you, it is entirely your decision and what is right for you.

The helpline here is an amazing. They really get it. You don't always get through but when you do you get 40 mins with someone who really understands and I always felt better. They are open every day.

Also here is a blog I wrote about deciding whether or not to report sexual violence, In my case it was child abuse. We (the other survivors and I) set up the website to support those thinking about reporting. There are lots of useful resources and self care tips. The blog describes what it is like going through the process. I'm sending you lots of love and strength

warriorwoman.blog/2019/03/07/to-report-or-not-to-report-that-is-the-question-febuary-2/

Tinder date sex **Trigger warning - title edited by MNHQ**
Igmum · 08/03/2020 07:05

So sorry you've gone through this OP. Yes, it's rape and it's not your fault 💐💐

toothfairy73 · 08/03/2020 07:12
  • local SARC
lmcneil003 · 08/03/2020 07:33

Please don't think being raped makes you silly. It's not your fault for being raped. It's his fault.
People put themselves in silly situations, bit it doesn't mean that they are responsible for being raped.

madmumofteens · 08/03/2020 07:37

Sending you strength OP 💐 I am glad to hear you are reaching out for support in RL it is not your fault he raped you please be kind to yourself xx

SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge · 08/03/2020 07:51

I just want you to know you have done nothing wrong.
This situation is absolutely wrong.
All you need to do now is whatever it takes for you to heal from this.
You are not alone, there are millions of women all over the world who silently stand with you.

Hmpher · 08/03/2020 08:11

So sorry to read this, you have done absolutely nothing wrong. Do NOT feel guilty or dirty or ashamed. You did not cause this. I have also consented during or just before sex and then withdrawn consent, but luckily, I wasn’t in that situation with a rapist. That’s the only difference - he was a rapist and you had no way of knowing that because they don’t walk around with it tattooed on their heads or make that clear in advance because then you’d never meet up with them. And ignore people saying you should have got to know him first. I’ve been sexually assaulted by friends I completely trusted, wives are raped by husbands... you have a right not to be raped and your behaviour has nothing to do with it. There is no amount of vetting you can do which will mean you somehow work out that they are a rapist before it happens. I mean, if you were having sex with a man and he said he was in pain or said he wanted to stop, you’d just stop wouldn’t you. You wouldn’t continue having sex with somebody who was no longer enjoying it, because a normal person wouldn’t be able to enjoy it knowing their partner wasn’t. And you wouldn’t continue on anyway and then blame him for having originally consented or not telling you forcefully enough. The only problem here is with him. He is scum and you didn’t deserve this.

Just know that lots and lots of women out there have sadly had the same experience and are sending you their love and thoughts right now. It’s great that you are talking to people in real life about this, I hope they can give you the support you need. Other posters have given great advice about some helplines, just think about what is best for you right now and look after yourself.

Sickandscared · 08/03/2020 08:19

I'm so sorry OP. What an absolute bastard. He raped you. It was not your fault.

Reach out to whatever support you think might help.

Big hugs to you.

Original poster
Ifeeldisgusting · 08/03/2020 12:38

I apologise for not putting a trigger warning.. My head is just all over the place.

Been trying to find a chemist open locally whilst my child is at a party but all are shut but I know of one open about 6 miles away so will go there and speak to someone in a bit.

OP posts:
incognitomum · 08/03/2020 13:47

Best of luck.

Original poster
Ifeeldisgusting · 08/03/2020 19:17

I'm going to some local chemist's tomorrow morning when my child is at school. Couldn't really get much help today being a Sunday. Had a nap earlier and he was in my dream. He probably hasn't even noticed I've blocked him. Probably onto his next victim already. One of my friends has suggested routes to go down and I'll hopefully see my other friend tomorrow before school pick up. No way telling either of my parents.

OP posts:
somanydevices · 08/03/2020 22:42

I'm really glad to hear you have real life friends about and the courage to speak to them.

You don't need to tell your parents unless you want to. I never have. Good luck for the chemists tomorrow Flowers

GoatyGoatyMingeMinge · 08/03/2020 23:19

Very sorry to hear about this. And your username is just wrong - there's no reason that you should feel disgusting. There's only one person who is disgusting here. I'd say: be kind to yourself and give your feelings time to settle over the next few days at least. Listen to what your friends say. And you will get good advice on here for issues like this. Flowers

WanderingTrolley1 · 08/03/2020 23:35

He’s dangerous, please report him.

Helen0709 · 09/03/2020 10:14

I'm so so sorry this happened to you,my heart breaks when I hear this happen to someone else too. I had a similar experience 10 years ago,I didnt tell anyone,at the time i swore I'd take it to my grave,as I truly believed it was my fault. I ended up with ptsd on top of my already chronic anxiety. The only thing that helped me was counseling,I ended up there after not being able to cope with anything in my life. It took months before I told my counselor and it finally clicked as to why I was so broken!!
You obviously have some great friends,so do open up to them,let them help you. Counselling I highly recommend,it saved my life and it's fantastic to have someone completely impartial to tell all too. For some reason a stranger telling me that I had done nothing wrong meant more than someone I knew and loved saying the same thing. And most importantly be kind to yourself,only tell people u want to tell,and report it if u feel strong enough. I never did, but i dont regret it either. Do what's right for you and give yourself time to heal xx

GinDaddy · 09/03/2020 10:55

Guys like that are fucking disgusting. The lowest.

Hope you can heal in every sense, asap OP.

Iooselipssinkships · 09/03/2020 11:11

You are the only one who can decide whether you report him or not. That is your decision and there's no right or wrong way about it. You need to do what's best for you.

I know it will all feel surreal and like it happened to someone else but use your friends as support. Your local SARC will help too should you wish to reach out.
None of this is your fault, none. The only one to blame is the rapist. He is scum and he will know exactly what he's done.
If you continue to bleed and suffer pain, your GP will be able to help. It would also be confidential between you both.
I wish you all the best, I think a fair few of us on here know and understand what you're going through so posting here is another line of support.