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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be quite clinical about this?

86 replies

redwinefine · 07/03/2020 20:43

Basically, my husband bought a house before we met. His name, he paid the deposit, he pays the mortgage (I pay other stuff so it all works out fairly equally). I bought a car before we met. I use it every day to commute, he uses it once a week, so I pay for fuel, etc while he contributes to the insurance once a year. Both happy about this arrangement. I'm looking into getting a new car and commented that I would pay for it again because 'if we broke up it would be easier as then it's just mine. Just like this house is yours.' He was very upset about the 'if we broke up', saying it's my house too as I pay bills, etc and why would I even think like that. I didn't mean to upset him, I just think it's prudent to be prepared and to actually talk about these things. AIBU? (btw, we have no problems, issues, breaking up isn't on the cards in any way, I just said it as I've seen other couples having bitter rows after break-ups about houses, cars, etc)

OP posts:

raspberryk · 07/03/2020 20:45

If you break up the house is half yours...
I'd be so upset if my dp was deliberately keeping things clinical and seperate just in case we broke up!

AriadnesFilament · 07/03/2020 20:45

I agree with him. That would have seemed very cold and very callous if said to me, and I would have been very hurt indeed.

CorianderLord · 07/03/2020 20:47

That was a horrible comment. It may me smart to keep an eye on finances but in reality both the house and car will be cut 50/50 unless a very amicable split decided by yourselves.

Thisismytimetoshine · 07/03/2020 20:47

Awful thing to say! Can you really not imagine what it would have been like to hear that?

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 07/03/2020 20:48

I would be incredibly hurt if my DP said this to me. There’s being prudent and then there’s being an arsehole

itsgettingweird · 07/03/2020 20:49

Well he's a keeper as the house would be 50/50 and he's not even considering it as his.

You're comment was odd tbh. Your married with no issues.

I can see why he's hurt.

Original poster

redwinefine · 07/03/2020 20:50

@Thisismytimetoshine I genuinely can say it wouldn't bother me if he said that because I'm that secure in our relationship. He said he would never think that let alone say that.

OP posts:

Awrite · 07/03/2020 20:50

I would absolutely hate my dh talking about us breaking up.

Think it, yes but don't say it.

mumto2teenagers · 07/03/2020 20:51

YABU it’s as if you expect the new car to last longer than your marriage.

StillWeRise · 07/03/2020 20:51

how long have you been together? if it's only a few years then this might seem like a sensible solution in the event that you split up. But if it was many years, and especially if you stopped earning for any length of time whilst child rearing then you might see it differently. His response that the house is half yours as you pay bills is encouraging but again he might see it differently if for example his earnings paid the mortgage for many years and the deposit was substantial.
It seems a bit over sensitive tbh that he's upset but maybe you could explain it's always worth considering the worst possible outcome. Have you made wills for example?

WilheldivaHater · 07/03/2020 20:51

I think you're right, He's just being a big baby.

It might not be nice but these things do happen and it's fairly short sighted to entangle yourself financially with someone without legal protection. Should you break up in the future his romantic ideas of it being "your house as well" will quickly change.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 07/03/2020 20:52

It's pretty sad for you to suggest that you're paying for the car to protect yourself when you split up...

Thisismytimetoshine · 07/03/2020 20:52

I’m that secure in our relationship. Well then it really didn’t need to be said

WilheldivaHater · 07/03/2020 20:53

Sorry just reread and I see that you're married, in that case you should have a claim to the house.

Still think he's being a baby to get upset over the comment though.

AriadnesFilament · 07/03/2020 20:55

Someone THAT secure in their relationship does not talk about breaking up and actively consider keeping large purchases in sole names to cover that eventuality. Someone THAT secure in their relationship - someone like your husband - does not consider a future where that might happen, and therefore considers past large investments and future large purchases to all be jointly owned. You’re being at best disingenuous; at worst dishonest with yourself.

You need to think about what you’ve said and what lies beneath it.

Original poster

redwinefine · 07/03/2020 20:56

@StillWeRise We've only been together a few years. I think your point about the worst possible outcome is right. I do like to be prepared.

I do think that 'this house is as much yours' is all well and good now, but things change when couples break up even if there is no one else involved

OP posts:

ellenpartridge · 07/03/2020 20:57

Really weird comment from you

Original poster

redwinefine · 07/03/2020 20:57

@BiscuitBarrels I'm not naive enough to think that things are forever and I'm practical enough to know what to do with large purchases to ensure I'm protected

OP posts:

wildcherries · 07/03/2020 20:58

I also think you're right. There are enough examples on here of the consequences of being financially entangled when relationships break up. It's not clinical, it's smart, in my opinion.

Original poster

redwinefine · 07/03/2020 20:59

@GiveHerHellFromUs The main reason I suggested was that I was the one who used it every day. The other comment was an afterthought.

OP posts:

Ohtherewearethen · 07/03/2020 21:00

It sounds as though you're planning on your new car being your getaway vehicle. Why on earth would it even occur to you that you might split up within the lifetime of a new car? You say you wouldn't be upset by it, which is fine, but your husband is, which is completely natural. I think your comment was unnecessary and hurtful.

Bakedbrie · 07/03/2020 21:02

God..talk about hob-nailed boots! I cant believe you said that. It demonstrates very little faith in your future together I’m sorry to say. Might it have been more tactful to have asked for his suggestions on how you fund the car that you currently both use in a fair way?

AriadnesFilament · 07/03/2020 21:03

I'm not naive enough to think that things are forever and I'm practical enough to know what to do with large purchases to ensure I'm protected

That is not the comment of someone secure in their relationship.

The fact that you verbalised the need to keep a large purchase protected in case of future break up is bound to be deeply hurtful to your husband. You were being unreasonable. And cold. And hard. It didn’t need to be said. It shows that you and he are on completely different pages. He is planning for a joint future. You are not. Of course he’s upset.

conduitoffortune · 07/03/2020 21:11

He can't be getting upset about that when he's ringfenced all his assets! It's easy for him to be the person who says 'oh but that would never happen don't be silly' when the house is all in his name!

TopShelf · 07/03/2020 21:13

Would you claim half of the house if you did split?

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