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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be quite clinical about this?

86 replies

redwinefine · 07/03/2020 20:43

Basically, my husband bought a house before we met. His name, he paid the deposit, he pays the mortgage (I pay other stuff so it all works out fairly equally). I bought a car before we met. I use it every day to commute, he uses it once a week, so I pay for fuel, etc while he contributes to the insurance once a year. Both happy about this arrangement. I'm looking into getting a new car and commented that I would pay for it again because 'if we broke up it would be easier as then it's just mine. Just like this house is yours.' He was very upset about the 'if we broke up', saying it's my house too as I pay bills, etc and why would I even think like that. I didn't mean to upset him, I just think it's prudent to be prepared and to actually talk about these things. AIBU? (btw, we have no problems, issues, breaking up isn't on the cards in any way, I just said it as I've seen other couples having bitter rows after break-ups about houses, cars, etc)

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 07/03/2020 21:15

@conduitoffortune he hasn't 'ring fenced' his assets - he owned the house before they got married. She hasn't signed a pre-nup Hmm

user1493413286 · 07/03/2020 21:18

In the first couple of years I’d probably have thought that about a similar situation but since getting engaged and married it wouldn’t really come into my head and I’d probably be upset by a similar comment

CoffeeRunner · 07/03/2020 21:20

If it was a boyfriend. A new relationship - then yes, absolutely you could say that.

To say it to your actual husband of a “few years” is really hurtful!

Thelaughinggnome123 · 07/03/2020 21:21

I'd be really upset if my DH said that.

StillWeRise · 07/03/2020 21:22

current situation seems perfectly fair and need only be questioned if circumstances change
eg OP's husband needs to use car every day
OP or husband lose job or are unable to work
OP has baby
but the point is, circumstances DO change,

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/03/2020 21:27

You’re being weird about this. We’re both on our second marriage, know exactly how ugly divorce can be and would never ever think or talk like this.

You’re married. What’s mine is yours and all that. Why bother to make a legally binding commitment to someone when you’ve got one foot out the door?

conduitoffortune · 07/03/2020 21:28

@GiveHerHellFromUs

Yet her name still isn't on the deeds.

SimonJT · 07/03/2020 21:28

If my partner valued protecting a car more than our relationship then it wouldn’t be a relationship I would be staying in.

If my partner and I get married my flat will become our flat, it doesn’t matter who has paid more. In a marriage you share your life with someone, if that’s something you didn’t want then why did you get married?

Summercamping · 07/03/2020 21:34

I can see where you're coming from op, I often make comments like this to my husband, weird as it may be. He takes it as I mean it, no offence taken

We have no intention of separating, it's more a hypothetical thing. There are no guarantees. But I can see how your husband could have been hurt, on the other side of it I would move to reassure him that you love him and want to be with him

FortunesFave · 07/03/2020 21:36

Why isn't your name on the deeds? That's quite telling.

My DH is set to receive a substantial amount of money from a relative. It will allow us to buy a house outright. There's no question of the house being half mine...no question of me not being on the deeds. If he were to die, he'd want to know that I had security. Why doesn't your husband? Why isn't this being addressed?

OneKeyAtATime · 07/03/2020 21:38

I agree with you but then we have separate accounts so what do I know?

chatterbugmegastar · 07/03/2020 21:38

If you split you'd be entitled to 50:50 everything. So your comment makes no financial sense

The thing which surprises me the most is that you didn't know your husband would be upset by your comment

fascinated · 07/03/2020 21:41

It’s prudent to think and act like you are doing, but I wouldn’t mention it out loud!

dodgeballchamp · 07/03/2020 21:42

I completely agree with you OP and would do/say similar. If I was him I wouldn’t put your name on the deeds either (but I’d also ensure bills were split but the mortgage remained his if you had no interest in the house).

I wouldn’t take offence if someone said it to me either. It’s sensible. Of course if you both continue to love each other forever that’s the ideal scenario but there are no guarantees that’ll be the case. Nothing in life is certain.

Floooopy · 07/03/2020 21:42

^ someone up-threat just nailed the exact feeling I got from your post: 'One foot out the door.

It's probably the fexact feeling your husband got out of that comment.

Floooopy · 07/03/2020 21:42

*exact!

ChicCroissant · 07/03/2020 21:43

OP, to look at how you would split big purchases in the event of your marriage breaking down doesn't really match up with your statement about feeling secure! It's the exact opposite.

Floooopy · 07/03/2020 21:44

Why don't you suggest that you sit down and talk through finances and put house into both names?

IceColdCat · 07/03/2020 21:44

I think you're being sensible OP.

dodgeballchamp · 07/03/2020 21:45

Surely though feeling secure is as much about feeling secure as an individual as a couple? I know personally it would be completely unacceptable to me to entangle finances to the degree that I’d struggle if the relationship were to break down. My security comes from knowing I’m functional and whole alone and wouldn’t be destroyed materially by the loss of a relationship

Chewbecca · 07/03/2020 21:50

You’re married right?

If unmarried, I would think you’re being sensible but once married, it’s like saying you didn’t really mean your vows and it’s only a matter of time before you divorce which is very hurtful.

DesLynamsMoustache · 07/03/2020 21:52

I think it's weird to be married to someone and sharing a home with them that you don't consider 'yours', personally. I think if you were just partners, then there's a degree of sensibility about it, but you're married and it feels like semantics for the sake of making some sort of point to talk about 'his and yours'.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 07/03/2020 21:54

If you seriously think your depreciating car is worth more than house equity you need to educate yourself quickly in personal finance. Don’t forget an in-depth exploration of pensions.

Then turn your attention to your awful lack of empathy towards your spouse, and ask yourself why exactly you got married.

I’m being harsh tonight but fair, I feel. You need to give yourself a bit of a check.

Bluegrass · 07/03/2020 21:58

You sound like a charmer OP. Still, good to put the thought in his mind that there’s life after you, it’ll help him prepare.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/03/2020 21:58

Soooo, tell him that you'll buy a 'joint' car when he puts your name on 'your and his' house. See what he says then.

I agree, you may not have put what you said in the best words but I understand your thought processes.

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