AIBU to be quite clinical about this?

[redwinefine]

Basically, my husband bought a house before we met. His name, he paid the deposit, he pays the mortgage (I pay other stuff so it all works out fairly equally). I bought a car before we met. I use it every day to commute, he uses it once a week, so I pay for fuel, etc while he contributes to the insurance once a year. Both happy about this arrangement. I'm looking into getting a new car and commented that I would pay for it again because 'if we broke up it would be easier as then it's just mine. Just like this house is yours.' He was very upset about the 'if we broke up', saying it's my house too as I pay bills, etc and why would I even think like that. I didn't mean to upset him, I just think it's prudent to be prepared and to actually talk about these things. AIBU? (btw, we have no problems, issues, breaking up isn't on the cards in any way, I just said it as I've seen other couples having bitter rows after break-ups about houses, cars, etc)

I'm not naive enough to think that things are forever

Ouch.

Would the house be split 50 50 in the event of a divorce?

I'm not in the UK so it may be different but I thought what people brought into the marriage would not automatically be split equally; unlike assets bought jointly which would be split 50 50.

I think it’s a slightly weird thing to say when you’re married, because your finances aren’t really separate. You may keep them that way for convenience, but if you divorced your assets would be split fairly between you.

Honestly, your finances in general seem like a bit of a hotch-potch so I think I'd try to resolve that.

We are married and the house is 'ours'. The cars are also considered joint expenses as we both use each others. DH needs a car for work and I need one to take our daughter around, so there's no 'you pay insurance for this and I'll pay MoT' pissing about, it's a joint expense and the money for all car stuff comes out of the joint account, along with all the bills and house stuff.

I'm all for fiscal independence – we have our own spends and our own savings – but when you're married, it seems totally bizarre to me to be living like you would with someone you've just moved in with six months into a relationship, talking about 'his house' and 'my car', especially as these are shared marital assets.

It's fine - indeed really important - to be able to talk as a couple about what might happen if things went wrong somehow - whether that's death or splitting up. Because we know that things don't always last. But it's a discussion to be approached cautiously and gently, with real awareness that this can be tough to talk about or to hear.

The house could become a shared asset if they've done work to it that has increased the value, for example.

Houses generally appreciate in value over time.

Cars depreciate over time.

Sensitivities aside and being totally clinical about it, not sensible to think of an appreciating asset as belonging to one and a depreciating asset to the other - regardless of who pays which specific bills.

Though maybe that isn’t the point.

But still. Not a sensible way to think!

All the crueller for being accidental, OP.

You've told him he's not the One - luckily he kept his house, eh.

Not a very tactful thing to say lol, you could've thought that but kept quiet about it.

Even someone you think is ‘the one’ at the time of marriage, you may not feel that way forever. You can’t say with 100% certainty that ANYTHING will last forever, whether that’s a marriage, job, interest in stamp collecting... whatever. I’m not sure why everyone’s getting so upset at that notion.

Of course when you get married you’re in love and think it’s right and that you’ll never stop wanting to be together and in an ideal world that would be correct, but it’s not a cast iron guarantee is it? That’s just factual/pragmatic thinking, nothing to get worked up over

Not your finest moment I should think op.

My friend moved into her fiance`s house, they married. No children six years later he told her it was over. She got 6k when it went to court. I am not sure it is safe to assume you get half of everything just because you live under the same roof.

I get where you're coming from OP.

I keep telling my husband I'm worried about my personal pension provision (already worked enough to get full state.) He tries to reassure me that between us we will be fine as his is quite substantial, but I point out that if we split up I would be screwed.

Before I met him I was financially independent and that was important to me. if I can't talk to him about my concerns, then there's something wrong.

However, I probably would have left a few times now if I could afford to, so what do I know.

If you're married, you both have a claim on all the assets of the marriage, house, car, savings, pensions, etc.

So what you're saying is basically nonsensical and pointlessly hurtful.

I genuinely can say it wouldn't bother me if he said that because I'm that secure in our relationship.

Doesn't matter whether it would bother you, it bothers him. He has clearly articulated his feelings: apologise and be more tactful in future.

If you are going to say his feelings aren't valid, and therefore not your problem, then perhaps you do need to prepare for the divorce.

If you are paying 50% into the household costs but his 50% pays for an appreciating asset and your 50% pays for consumables or depreciating assets (bills, food, the car), at the end of the marriage, he will walk away with a house and you with nothing. You may well receive some of the house but you are likely to have to go to court to fight for it.

If you have children, you will suffer the impact to your career of pregnancy and maternity leave and statistically you are likely to besr the burden of household tasks and childcare meaning that on top of the bias against women regardless of their status as a mother, your earning capacity over your working life will be significantly affected by the decision to have children.

Again, if you keep your finances separate in the way you indicate in your op, you will be left with a diminishing salary while your husband salary after costs will increase along with his appreciating assets.

Much as you think you are being sensible to keep things separate, you are being short sighted by not ensuring you are paying into long term assets and ensuring money, contribution and responsibility in your marriage is truly shared.

You're married, his and your property becomes joint regardless of how it was bought, although a pre nuptial agreement could work out shares.

You're married so all property is joint, unless there was a prenuptial agreement (even that's a bit dubious).

I don’t think they are married.

OP literally starts off by saying “my husband” - they’re married!

”I just think it's prudent to be prepared and to actually talk about these things.”

Indeed. To talk about them with your partner.

I'm not naive enough to think that things are forever

Why did you bother to get married, then? Marriage is a leap of faith that it will be forever, surely? You sound very cynical. I can understand why your dh would be upset. Have you been badly hurt by someone in the past?

I don't blame you for making sure you are protected in the event of a break up. When I was married, I owned the house we lived in as exh refused to put his name on the mortgage, I paid for our caravan & owned both of the cars we had, plus any furniture we bought it was my name on the credit agreement, not his. It didn't stop him trying to claim half the house & most of the furniture & the caravan when we split up, I lost out massively & for this reason alone would never marry again.

That was a dickish thing to say op..

”That was a dickish thing to say op..”

I agree.