Argument with MIL

[helpme7]

MIL has just come over to see us. For background, DH is one of three kids, he's the middle child and very much suffers from middle child syndrome. The sister is the golden child (eldest) and they do a lot for her. DH always goes on about it and a few years ago his aunt confirmed that he was not wanted and everyone has always noticed he's treated differently. It is quite obvious.

Anyway, over lunch I made a joke - she said how we shouldn't do something, and I said "but [DH sister] did it" and she flipped. She said she's had enough of me and thinks I'm a "cow" and that I give DH bullets and encourage him to feel less loved / hard done by.

He stayed quiet saying he didn't want the confrontation.

I am upset. This isn't true. I have my own reasons for disliking MiL (for example if I gain weight she will comment, thinks anyone above an 8 is fat and lazy etc, she's also very rude behind my back about my parents), but DH is the one who has always said to me he feels inadequate.

I don't know what to do. I feel so upset and angry.

No kids FWIW

OP, not being facetious, but what do you mean by 'middle child syndrome'? I've googled but it seems to mean a wide range of things.

Don’t see her again.

Why are you allowing her to stay with you?

Anyone who spoke to me like that in my own house would be shown the door. Especially if they were rude about my family.

I mean how does it affect him? And why?

Other than that, totally sympathise. Your MIL was called out and she didn't like it. I have one like this. You just have to withdraw.

What was the thing the sister did?

What was the thing the sister did?

THIS!!!

She is never going to change. Mine caused rows between DH and I. She barely visits now and picks on her other DIL instead who'll put up with anything for the money they are given

I think it depends what the “thing” was. Though she does sound awful for the other reasons you have given. I’d just avoid her tbh

The sister went on holiday after getting a new house, we have a holiday booked and she said we shouldn't go. It's only because the process has taken so long (5 months no chain) that it's close together. The holiday is paid for and non refundable.

Sorry that was badly written, by "the process" I mean house buying process - exchange and completion.

Both us and SIL will be going on holiday after completing on a house (2 week gap)

This kind of dynamic is dependent on keeping the disadvantaged person in a place mentally where they feel like they deserve their treatment. Merely showing your DH that he’s just as worthy of love as anyone else would be ‘giving him bullets’. Just ignore her.

Yes, it depends whether the thing was and how unpleasant you were being with your "joke"

I dont think middle child syndrome suggests an unwanted child.

@iHateJanuary2020 middle child syndrome - thinks both eldest and youngest are treated better, idiolised, not given enough attention. It does make sense as there's 9 months between him and his sister and a year between him and his brother. So his sister got the praise for doing things first (and well) and the brother is considered "the baby"

So your MIL called you a cow and swore at you in your own home but your husband said nothing?

So DH was genuinely an accident and the aunts let him know that. He had heard it in an argument between MIL and FIL when he was a child and remembered it, he told me now (he's 31) and his aunt said that when MIL was leaving FIL for his affair; she discovered she was pregnant with him and stayed.

@Pumpkinpie1 yep, I am upset by that too. He didn't defend me at all.

Middle child here too and I understand - I was also the scapegoat for precious older brother and golden child younger sister. I was the one that was just kind of ‘there’ left to my own devices unless either of my Grandparents needed somebody to punish for something or other. You’re neither the eldest with the adulation and ‘responsibilities’ (though my older brother always half arsed his way through chores and I had to pick up what he didn’t - he still got his larger allowance for having ‘tried his best’.) nor the ‘baby’ who is coddled and given a lot of leeway. Not saying this is true for all middle children but is a recurring theme from those amongst my social circle who are middle children as well.

On the MIL issue, I think she knows deep down that your DH feels as he does and that she is responsible for that to some degree, it depends on how bad it was for your DH really but her reaction seems so overboard because you touched a nerve. Not your fault.

Does your DH still want his Mum in his life? Is it a relationship he wants to repair/have more from? Honestly if you were just voicing what he feels and he didn’t step up to defend you then he effectively hung you out to dry.

I would speak first with your DH about the situation, if he feels unable to confront her yet then maybe you take a step back and he go to see her rather than hosting at your house again. Until he’s ready to have it out with her properly (and I don’t mean a huge argument but a constructive conversation if possible between the two of them) I’d keep myself out of it.

I’ve helped my DH repair his relationship with his Mum - there’s always two sides to a story which is important to remember and somewhere in the middle lies the truth. But don’t fight his battles for him, if he can’t speak openly with his Mum then you shouldn’t have to in his place (as tempting as it is to do so!).

YANBU for wanting to stand up for him, He WBU for allowing you to take the flack. She sounds a bit full on and spoke to you atrociously. Hope you can put this behind you and not allow her into your headspace too much OP.

It would depend why she doesn't think I should go on holiday.... there must be a reason? Can't be just because you're buying a house that makes no sense? Does she think u can't afford it?

I know I was a "surprise". Doesn't mean anything really. As long as the child is wanted when parents find out that's all that matters.

Ok, thanks, in this context then it makes sense.

It's awful for him but he just has to somehow accept that if she is bad enough to have treated them differently growing up she is just not going to change, ever. Just look after yourselves and back away.

I'd literally chuck anyone out who seriously insulted me like that in my own home - actually I wouldn't as DH would probably beat me to it. Please tell me she's still not there?!

@thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter she is currently cleaning my kitchen so I'll let her do that

@PrayingandHoping the house is expensive and we are young, she thinks we should be saving. True but also (and she says I'm ridiculous for saying this and that I'm meant to be intelligent) my mental health isn't great, I commute to central London every day, up at 6am never back before 8pm, it's stressful and hard. A holiday is all I have to look forward to, we earn well for our age!

Also she's never given us a penny so why would she have a say?

I'm the wife of a golden child. It's an awful family dynamic to witness. MIL has no idea why his two DSs resent DH and her over the vastly differential treatment. They also sympathise with me because she's never forgiven me for taking away her darling boy. We've been married for 25 years!

She called you a cow, makes comments on your weight and is rude about my parents?

Why is she still allowed in your house? You don't have to put up with that. Tell her to leave and that anyone who calls you names in your house is not welcome there.

Why is she cleaning your kitchen??

This is so weird.