Argument with MIL

[helpme7]

MIL has just come over to see us. For background, DH is one of three kids, he's the middle child and very much suffers from middle child syndrome. The sister is the golden child (eldest) and they do a lot for her. DH always goes on about it and a few years ago his aunt confirmed that he was not wanted and everyone has always noticed he's treated differently. It is quite obvious.

Anyway, over lunch I made a joke - she said how we shouldn't do something, and I said "but [DH sister] did it" and she flipped. She said she's had enough of me and thinks I'm a "cow" and that I give DH bullets and encourage him to feel less loved / hard done by.

He stayed quiet saying he didn't want the confrontation.

I am upset. This isn't true. I have my own reasons for disliking MiL (for example if I gain weight she will comment, thinks anyone above an 8 is fat and lazy etc, she's also very rude behind my back about my parents), but DH is the one who has always said to me he feels inadequate.

I don't know what to do. I feel so upset and angry.

No kids FWIW

Ditto OhCaptain!

I don’t think what your MIL thinks of your DH is the point here. Just the fact she insults me and my family would be it for me. Why does your DH tolerate this and not say anything? Her behaviour is unacceptable.

Also it’s not always true about middle children being overlooked. Just like it’s not always true that the youngest is always treated as a baby.

She's had enough of you & called you a cow & she's still there?

Wtf?

It sounds to me that she's angry because you've really messed things up for her. She had DH where she wanted him, now you've inconveniently come along to give him the love and support she hasn't and it makes her angry because it forces her to face her own failings.

I would keep calm. Keep to your side MIL over reacted to a comparison that was pointed out.

Don't get drawn any further in to it than that ''Mil reacted to a comparison''.

If you start giving it more context, start putting forwrard your side, it just looks like six of one and half a dozen of hte other.

You need to set boundaries. My MIL never interfered. She’d tell my husband what to do, but it irritated him and he’d tell her to mind her own business. My mother always gave me unsolicited advice. I just nodded and did as I pleased. She knew this, even commented on it once. She did the same to my sisters, who also ignored her.

You can either tell her that her advice is not wanted, or just agree and carry on as you please. She’ll get the message. But I think you need to separate from her. No popping by, no cleaning your kitchen.

"Not confrontational" well this is the way to become a bloody doormat.

I cant imagine having someone in my home call me a cow. Then stay. Or clean the kitchen. Send her home. By the way you have a dh problem too. Time he stepped up and defended his wife.

When you have all calmed down I would quietly but firmly tell her that if she ever swears at you or calls you a cow again in your own home she will not be allowed back into your home. As you should not feel insulted or threatened in your own home.

Does she know that you are aware she insults your parents? If not I'd tell her you know. I'd ask her how she thinks that makes you feel about her and would she like it if they insulted her to others.
Her behaviour is unacceptable. Your DH should make that clear. Tell him if he doesn't you will... Each and every time

I feel for you, OP. My partner's mother is the same. He's also a middle child.

My "MIL" turned up at 8am one morning after we'd been to a party the night before. We'd been drinking until 3am (good party!) and both still a bit pissed. She wanted my partner to drive her somewhere(she doesn't drive) but I said no way that neither of us would be driving until the afternoon the earliest.

She went mental calling me a spoilt bitch while he stood there silent.

It turned out to be great as she didn't come to ours for at least another year.

I feel for my partner as his sisters and their kids get everything (I'm "spoilt" but she spoils them stupid - weird that). My partner is hurt but never says anything. And that's where I get annoyed.

My stress levels won't take any more so I say my piece to him when he relays something else (that beggars belief) that any of them have been up to. It's best for my sanity and the sake of peace that I no longer get involved.

If your MIL is anything like mine she's a nasty bit of work. She'd drop in any time she liked (even had a key until after being fed up with leaving mine in the door and ignoring her when he wasn't in) until I had the locks changed after "losing" my keys one day. I had to threaten my partner that if he gave her another key I'd leave! She'd be sneering and critical and even told the rest of the family I keep a dirty house and she had a key so she could come over and clean (unpaid). She also slated me all over the village. She was angelic to me in front of him. Psycho!

Honestly, OP, you're best off telling your DP she's not welcome at yours any more and if he wants to see her to visit her. If anything needs to be said you must insist he says it or she won't accept it and you'll be blamed. She's not worth your breath and she'll never change.

Good luck.

Why would you make that comment in front of her though? It was rude and not your place as not your family - he’s big enough to defend himself if he wants to.

Why would you make that comment in front of her though? It was rude and not your place as not your family - he’s big enough to defend himself if he wants to.

Nonsense. The mil was criticising both the OP and her husband. The OP was right to call out her double standards.

There is 9 months between them and he hasn’t figured out himself he was an accident?
FIW most children are not planned.

she is currently cleaning my kitchen so I'll let her do that

And that's where you lose the argument. You and she are both playing a game (the emoji you added didn't help your cause). By doing something useful she's learned that you won't throw her out, so she can carry on being nasty as long as you get your kitchen cleaned. But you're playing along with it because you get your kitchen cleaned. You can't have it both ways.

Clean your own kitchen and never have her visiting again. Your DH can visit her at hers if he wants to see her.

Adrianna
I agree the fact that there’s 9 months between them means his conception was not planned. Basic biology.

helpme
Does he ever stand up to her?

"but [DH sister] did it" and she flipped. She said she's had enough of me and thinks I'm a "cow" and that I give DH bullets and encourage him to feel less loved / hard done by.

Hmm. Why did you say 'but DH sister did it?' You then say your MIL flipped which indicates this comment wasn't made in a vacuum, but that there's been a steady drip of you possibly (and I'm sure out of good intentions) alluding to this difference in treatment.

My ex was treated very differently from his Brother and sisters. Literally no photos in house of him, but all his siblings, etc it extended down to less favourable treatment being given to our children over their cousins. It was not a malicious thing however, it was a dysfunctional pattern that emerged during difficult times in his parents marriage where his mother had literally 6 children under 10.

But whilst I would listen to his concerns etc. I never ever would make it my business to draw attention to or enhance those feelings of negativity. His family still all got on. I wanted to facilitate that and actually would do the opposite; telling him to try and put things in perspective for the good of his own mental health. His relationship with his family was flawed but still important IFYSWIM

I think this is what your MIL dislikes, that it seems you are encouraging your DH to hold on to his grievances.

But you don't have to put up with being called names in your house. It's your house at the end of the day.

I don’t understand why you are letting her clean your kitchen.

Could her saying not to go be corona based?

A lot going on here, seems some of it is fanning the flames. He may be the least favourite, but that is not caused by being an unplanned pregnancy, which can be a very loved child, or by being a middle child of which there is a lot of tripe written, These are excuses. MIL was out of order critisising your choice of a holiday and you were very childish pointing out SIL did the same. She was definitely out of order calling you a cow, is that how you talk to each other in your family? I think you all need to learn some manners

@helpme7 i have been in shitty positions with my MIL and my OH has sometimes defended me, other times not. TBH i wouldn't expect him to defend me or answer his mother back, she raised him and gave him everything to be the man he is today and to answer her back in any situation to me is utter disrespect no matter the situation between myself and his mother. That is just me and my situation though, why drag in a third person when the issues are between MIL and myself (which after years have finally been resolved but took a lot of work and effort on my part to forgive and forget).

If you expected your husband to defend your corner and he didnt. Put the shoe on the other foot, would you damage your relationship with your family for your husband? Of course I wouldn't be happy about it and I would speak to my parents / siblings when everyone has had a bit of space and reflection time.

Also as a middle child myself, i dont think that's what middle child syndrome means. It's commonly known as being the bratty and moany one.

His aunt is out of order with her comment, unnecessary & no right to say that.

She’s cleaning your kitchen? Why would she do that?

To be honest, I can’t help wondering if she’s right about you trying to find a reason to dislike her? However, why the Aunt thought it appropriate to state that DH wasn’t wanted, is appalling. I’d certainly be letting MIL know that the Aunt had said this and see what she says.

OP, you need to grow up and learn some diplomacy skills rather than fanning the flames.

You need to ask her to leave if she's speaking to you like that in your home. She sounds, to use an old-fashioned word, rather common.
And your husband needs to grow up. You can sulk over being a 'mistake' at 13 but at 31, get over yourself!

YANBU. I would also calmly ask her to leave. In fact, I'd just presume that she was leaving and make it clear that that would be now.

Have you called her taxi yet?

Why not?

All the time you let her clean your kitchen I think you lose the high ground.
Maybe you should try to facilitate a better relationship between him and his mum rather than encouraging him to feel hard done by.
Lots of us weren’t planned he needs to get over that.